Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

im so sad..

(58 Posts)
crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 17:08:03

I feel like I've wasted 23 years of my life.
Thats how long we've been together. 3 dc aged 2-10.
Husband has m.e/CFS and has become bitter, angry and depressed.
He doesn't do anything with the kids ever. I work fulltime, drop the kids to school and childminders, and pick them up again on the way home. I do everything at home, everything with the kids, just everything.
Dh sleeps all day hence the childminder. Wakes late afternoon to take medication. Stays up all night to admin a website he part owns.
He tells me he loves me and wants a physical relationship but I end up pushing him away as I'm exhausted and pretty much seething with resentment.
I have no social life, we go nowhere together due to his illness and I can't go out on my own becasuse I would never hear the end of it. He is very insecure, very jealous, will sulk and make sarky comments if I'm away from my desk and he can't reach me by phone.

I'm so sad. I don't know what to do. I'm getting more and more angry. Yesterday he couldn't reach me on my mobile on my way home so left me a shitty voicemail ( which he always says isn't shitty and I'm being paranoid ) so when I got home he was in the bath, which meant me doing dinner again. I lost my temper and started kicking the bathroom door. I'm so ashamed.
The kids are so good. They have no expectations from him anymore, they even excuse his shouting outbursts, saying they understand he's ill.
I don't want them to grow up with that though.
He sleeps on the sofa every night till I get up, then transfers to bed once we've all hone to work and school. My 2 year old thinks that's his bed !! I've asked him not to as we can't use the lounge but he blames it on me saying I get too angry if he crawls into bed at 5am.
I have got annoyed in the past as I just wanted him to share the same sleep cycle as the rest of the family but I've given up now. I don't believe thats the reason anyway as he sleeps in the bed if we have sex, it feels like its only worth sleeping next to me if he's getting some.
Were pretty skint as we live on my salary and my tax credits alone and I know not having his own money masked him feel

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 17:09:28

Worse.

I don't know what to do anymore. Its like living with someone else. He's turned into an angry, depressed man and I feel like I can't cope.

How can I go on ?

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 17:11:11

Just to add I don't see it as my money. He has access to my account.

LEMmingaround Wed 22-Jan-14 17:27:44

Christ, you are a saint if you stay with that man. You don't have to stay with him just because he is ill.

LEMmingaround Wed 22-Jan-14 17:33:53

I can understand why he feels depressed, but he needs to take responsibility for himself and not drag you down with him. I suffer from depression and it can be hard not to take it out on those that you love, but you realise that one day you'll push them away and that needs to be enough to make you change things. I think you need to tell him that he needs to buck up or ship out, don't fall for his attempts to make you feel sorry for him - does he really want that? For his own good as much as yours

OiMissus Wed 22-Jan-14 17:34:26

I think you need to share with him what you've shared here.
It can't continue like this. It's absolutely not fair on you.
Maybe relationship counselling is the way to go - if you want to save the relationship.
Good luck. - please don't continue as you are, that's really no life, and it's not fair on the kids.
I have no experience of his illness, but he needs to sort himself out.

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 17:37:11

That's what I wonder. Is it the illness making him like this or is he just being an arse.
I keep waiting for things to improve and they don't.
The kids say they love him and they understand but honestly if he wasn't here it would make no difference in any sense. I am utterly self sufficient financially, in fact according to benefits checker I would be much better off. I know I can cope with the kids, I am !! So why am I so afraid. He's the only relationship I've ever had so I've had no comparison. I've left it so long now, I m 40 soon. All those years gone. I feel so so sad.

juneau Wed 22-Jan-14 17:42:23

Okay, what's CFS? I know what ME and depression are.

He sounds bloody awful, TBH. Do you want this to work? If he got his medical shit sorted out and started pulling his weight could you love him again? Is there any chance in hell that he could or would do that? If the answer is 'yes', then you should drag him to marriage counselling and tell him it's his last chance, or you're gone. If the answer is 'no' and you can only see this awful situation continuing/getting worse then I'd go and see a solicitor and start the separation process. I couldn't live like that.

juneau Wed 22-Jan-14 17:44:55

P.S. You're nearly 40? Its a great age - in fact no age at all. You're maybe half-way through your life - or less. You haven't wasted 23 years - you have your DC - and better to start again NOW than waste any more time. Remember, you'll never be any younger than you are now.

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 17:50:05

He wouldn't go to any sort of counselling. He is fixated on the idea that his illness is incurable and so thats it as far as he is concerned.
If I moan I'm " giving him shit " and not being sympathetic. He says he does as much as he can and that I can't imagine what its like to be in pain all day. Yet he won't try changing diet or antidepressants as recommended by thge gp.
Honestly I can't do this.

I'm torn between feeling bad for him and thinking if I choose to stay I am also choosing this shitty skint lonely boring life forever.

He hates the world and its so horrible to see him sitting at his p.c desk or watching t.v sneering and ranting about everyone.
Just yesterday when we had the row about him not being able to get hold of me he denied it had annoyed him and said " do you really think I would stay with you if I thought you were a dirty cheating slag" . Its just vile there's no need to speak like that, he never used to !!!

tiredlady Wed 22-Jan-14 17:57:11

He sounds like a pathetic waste of space who shows no desire to want to get better.He takes you for granted and quite franlky you should cut your losses and go.
Being depressed is no excuse for acting like this.
You and your dc deserve better than this

RollerCola Wed 22-Jan-14 18:02:37

This was me last year. 23 yrs together, we separated. I'm happier than I've been in years and years, and the children are completely fine.

It's scary as shit but please please don't waste any more of your life like this. It doesn't have to be this way. You only have one life, and you have many years ahead of you to be happy.

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 18:05:48

Thank you roller !!!
I think the main thing is I worry I will do it and then regret it but it will be too late.
That sounds so pathetic. Its been so good in the past but the rows we have had have killed it, and I'm scared my girls will think this is normal. Why isn't that enough to push me, what's wrong with me !!

LEMmingaround Wed 22-Jan-14 18:07:08

I do feel sorry for him, because i know how depression can be, I used to make those sort of phone calls to DP, not because i didn't trust him, i did but i was so insecure and unwell. He sounds like his self esteem is at rock bottom.

The trouble is, you continuing to put up with this and allow him to treat you like this, and basically fester in his own shit, is enabling this behaviour. Yes he is unwell, it does sound like depression is his biggest illness just now - depression is a debilitating illness, make no mistake about it. BUT until he takes some responsibility, goes the bloody doctor, takes the medication he is offered (sorry, i don't know what cfs is either) and possibly some sort of talking therapy then he is going to continue.

Are you sure he is just dong admin when he is up all night on the computor?

Yes, he's ill, but thts not your fault, its your problem because you are a partnership but if he wont allow you to help and take an active part in the family then that is his decision, not yours.

Do you own or rent? where would he go if he were to leave? could you afford to leave?

oldgrandmama Wed 22-Jan-14 18:17:42

Dear OP, take it from me ... save your OWN and your CHILDREN'S lives, sanity and call it a day. It's not going to get any better and frankly, he sounds somewhat manipulative and controlling and .. just nasty.

Do you and your kids deserve putting up with this for years and years more? NO NO NO.

I be that he'll sort himself out pretty sharpish once you've gone.

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 18:20:32

We privately rent. I pay the bills. If he left he would apparently go to his mums or to the council and declare himself homeless he told me today. I suspect it would be the former.

He has no income of his own. He is in the support group of ESA but given no money because of my earnings, this is another thing he is enraged about.
He won't ask me for money until he's desperate even though I've made it clear its our money. He hates being reliant on me allegedly. Yet when I've suggested he contributes in other ways, like spending time with the kids, playing with the toddler, its ignored.

I'm quite sure about the admin. He's far to high up on his own horse to cheat. I suspect he looks at porn every now and then but that doesn't really bother me.

JackieBrambles Wed 22-Jan-14 18:21:09

Cfs is chronic fatigue syndrome I think??

So sorry you are going through this.

My friend has me/cfs and couldn't be more different to your DH. She hasn't been able to work for years but she's the life and soul of every room she enters! (Of course she has to limit what she does and she has to rest a massive amount), but it doesn't have to make you bitter.

You don't have to put up with this. Is he ever open to talking calmly about how you feel?

JackieBrambles Wed 22-Jan-14 18:23:04

In fact reading your later posts I think maybe it's too late and you'd be better off calling it a day. It doesn't sound like he'd be surprised!

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 18:28:03

Not really. Its like he thinks he has a trump card. He's I'll and in pain, I'm not, he wins.
If I try and tell him how I feel he treats it like a personal attack and then gets angry cos I'm accusing him of not doing enough.
We had this very argument this afternoon when I woke him for his hospital appointment. It was 12.30 so early for him. He was angry, cancelled his appointment, told me our relationship was pointless, that I was abusive becasuse I scream and shout ( I do when I lose it and it all comes out, but it takes a lot) and because I kicked the door, and went back to bed. Its now 6,30 I've done everything again and he is guaranteed to get up when the kids are in bed. He will also want to talk but I will be exhausted, nothing will get resolved and on and on.....

captainmummy Wed 22-Jan-14 18:28:39

CFS - cystic Fibrosis? It is incurable afaik. But manageable.

But he is pushing you away with all this - you already know youd be better off on your own. HE wuoldn't, but tat is not your concern. If he wasn't ill, what would you do? You are not his nursemaid, mother, carer.

iamonthepursuitofhappiness Wed 22-Jan-14 18:36:17

Crikeybill

Those years haven't been wasted, you were happily married and you have had your children so no regrets eh?

Though he is ill, it is not fair of him to take you down with him. You would definitely cope on your own, without a shadow of a doubt. You might be 40 soon and I know that is scary, I was 40 last year, but do you really want to spend the next 40+ years living like this?

I was married to an alcoholic, he didn't participate in family life. I had a relationship with a man that did not live in the same time zone as me even though living in the same house, used to sleep on the dofa etc etc, it is all jsut behaviour to devoid themselves of reponsibility/effort.

Yes, he is ill but if he will not help himself then you are flogging a dead horse. Obviously no one can tell you waht to do but what I will say is that when both of my previous relationships ended, my XH and XP moved out, and I sat down on the sofa, I felt a huge sense of relief.

Good luck!

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 18:41:52

pursuit you just made me cry an cry.

I have to put the baby to bed now. Thank you for all your advice. I have been with him longer then being without and I'm so scared.

oldgrandmama Wed 22-Jan-14 18:44:35

Or is CFS chronic fatigue sydrome?

crikeybill Wed 22-Jan-14 18:46:21

Yes CFS is chronic fatigue syndrome.

RollerCola Wed 22-Jan-14 18:52:46

I understand your fear. I had been with my husband since I was 15. We separated when I was 39. We were together our entire adult lives.

I was terrified of being on my own but at the same time I knew we couldn't stay together. My husband didn't have the same issues as yours but he did have various illnesses that he played on and I felt guilty because he was 'ill'

But ultimately you are not responsible for his health and happiness. Only he can do that. If you stay as you are he will drag you down and you and your children will never have the happiness you all deserve.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now