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I've fucked up...

(102 Posts)
PurpleFlamingo Wed 22-Jan-14 16:16:02

And now my marriage is at stake hmm

This may be long so I apologise in advance but I don't want to drip feed. I have name changed but am a regular. Yoni, pom bears, poo troll etc.

About 15 months ago I started a new job. And about 6 month into that job I struck up a friendship with a younger male colleague. It was just banter, sometimes a touch flirty but never anything innappropriate. I got on with him really well and we would quite often text eachother to see what we were upto and just general conversation. In hindsight it probably was too often BUT I had nobody else to talk to.

I have no contact with my bitch of a mum, I don't have a close relationship with siblings and my dad has made it perfectly clear I am not to bother him with any of my own issues.

I'd been having a few problems with my husband. We had been falling out, he had been aggressive and a bit violent towards me on a few occasions.

One night I let this slip to this man. I don't know why, perhaps if was just a relief at being able to tell somebody. He was obviously concerned. Then everytime my husband got aggressive I would leave the house and 50% of the time would text this man. He offered to pick me up and look after me for the night but I said no. I had children to get back for.

I do not have any sexual feelings towards this man. I'm sure if I offered it on a plate he wouldn't say no but other than that there has been no sexual talk or any advances made towards me. I couldn't physically bring myself to cheat anyway, I just couldn't.

Anyway my husband tells me our issues are just as much my fault as his. I spend too much time on my iPad, I don't really pay him much attention etc and I agreed with him. I made a conscious effort to stop this and at the sane time stopped contacting this other man other than the odd happy birthday text, like friends would. We are both fine with that, he is very much still in love with his ex and has casual relationships with other women (he is 21 after all). We see eachother at work maybe once a month for 2 minutes.

Fast forward to yesterday. I have been having problems with my mobile phone. Dh says he will help me with it, wants access to my account. It hadn't been working for about it yesterday but as soon as was fixed he wanted the password. I wasn't happy about giving it because I knew he would go over it with a fine tooth comb and he wouldn't be happy seeing all of the texts (about 30 a month, 6-7 months ago).

I gave it to him and of course he was livid. I can't blame him to be honest. He thinks I have been having a full on affair hmm which tbh I would too if it was other way round.

He has messaged the other guy and called him a cunt. Other man was like wtf? Sent me a couple texts asking what was going on.

Then I fucked up. I said I hadn't spoken to him. Now dh is going to see I lied. He doesn't trust me anyway.

I don't know what to do. I shouldn't have lied but I just didn't want a slanging match in front of the kids hmm

PurpleFlamingo Wed 22-Jan-14 16:16:19

I am sorry it's so long!

Twinklestein Wed 22-Jan-14 16:20:36

I'd been having a few problems with my husband. We had been falling out, he had been aggressive and a bit violent towards me on a few occasions.

How violent is 'a bit violent'?

Twinklestein Wed 22-Jan-14 16:23:36

It sounds like you need to leave your husband.

If he doesn't trust you, prior to this incident, then you haven't really got a relationship anyway.

PurpleFlamingo Wed 22-Jan-14 16:24:40

Just grabbing me by the throat for a second. He has punched me on the head before, several times.

Nothing that has left visible marks or bruises and apparently it's because I push him over the edge.

Yesterday though we had a civilised conversation about all of this and it was so much better. Usually we would be shouting at eachother. Afterwards he said now that I knew he could be calm and not violent he thinks I am going to take advantage of that and walk all over him. Or say that he did it on purpose before.

PurpleFlamingo Wed 22-Jan-14 16:26:28

No he has never trusted me. He gets very jealous and I hid contact with my ex from him when we first got together (have dd with ex).

I shouldn't have done it I know and boy has it bit me in the ass.

pinkyredrose Wed 22-Jan-14 16:27:41

Your main problem is that you're married to a violent arsehole. If this isn't what you want in life you need to take steps so that you're not married to a violent arsehole.

WaitingForMe Wed 22-Jan-14 16:28:29

This friend is a complete red herring. Your husband is abusive and you need to leave.

MrsWolowitz Wed 22-Jan-14 16:28:30

He is abusing you. The texts are the least of your worries IMO.

I don't say this lightly but get out. For the safety of you and your kids, get away and get help.

Sorry you're going through this.

millymolls Wed 22-Jan-14 16:29:33

Just grabbing me by the throat for a second. He has punched me on the head before, several times

Sorry, i dont say this often but you do really need to leave this relationship and protect yourself from him!

Do you have children?

Teeb Wed 22-Jan-14 16:30:26

Oh dear.

Please end this.

millymolls Wed 22-Jan-14 16:30:34

sorry, i see you do have children. Even more reason to get away from this man!

Pheonixisrising Wed 22-Jan-14 16:30:55

i think you it may be better if you put a bit of space between the two of you , he has been violent and doesn't trust you , that's not healthy

Twinklestein Wed 22-Jan-14 16:31:16

Involvement with this other guy is irrelevant, you need to focus everything on getting away from your abusive husband.

i'm sorry but i would leave my husband if he ever raised a hand to me and what you've descirbed to us is quite extreme.

PurpleFlamingo Wed 22-Jan-14 16:33:19

I've told him we need to go our separate ways but he won't have it hmm

I know his version of events may be different but he has told me he can't deny hitting me. He thinks that is what I will tell everyone. I have said nothing.

This other guy was nothing romantic. I've told my husband it was just nice knowing that there was ONE person in the world who I could call up and help me if I needed it.

PurpleFlamingo Wed 22-Jan-14 16:34:33

Obviously he thinks I have been shagging him hmm

Teeb Wed 22-Jan-14 16:34:53

You do not need his permission. You have the free will to say 'I am no longer In a relationship with you' and then take steps I.e divorce to extract yourself from it legally.

Twinklestein Wed 22-Jan-14 16:35:14

Your leaving is not up to him. You need to organise it in secret. Contact Women's Aid and get a plan together to leave with your kids.

PurpleFlamingo Wed 22-Jan-14 16:35:55

I think he would make my life hell hmm

PurpleFlamingo Wed 22-Jan-14 16:37:02

The sad thing is it's all my fault.

We have only been married 6 months! He begged me if I didn't want to then to not do it but I did. I wanted it at the time. Things have got worse since then hmm

Leverette Wed 22-Jan-14 16:38:48

You lied because you knew the reasonable truth would result in abuse to you - not someone potentially being possibly legitimately irked, but aggressive, violent and harmful.

Please contact women's aid.

Needadvice5 Wed 22-Jan-14 16:38:49

Hi Op, hope you are ok....

you seem to be minimising the violence and that worries me! Being grabbed around the throat is a massive concern when it comes to domestic violence.

I work in child protection/domestic violence and I'm very worried that you have to leave whilst he calms down.

The whole situation is very wrong, please get some help.

The man at work has been a good friend by all accounts and you've done nothing wrong.

How old are you're dc?

They're probably very likely to see how your cunt of a husband treats you even if they don't witness it they will hear it.

Please protect them, it is your job, please get some help......

TallGiraffe Wed 22-Jan-14 16:39:13

Just grabbing me by the throat for a second. He has punched me on the head before, several times.

There is no just about this. This is violence and you need to leave.

Leverette Wed 22-Jan-14 16:39:47

His feelings and behaviours are HIS responsibility NOT yours

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