Do I give him a second chance?

[Layla0000]

Can anyone tell me how you decide whether to let go or hang on to a relationship?

I am in a difficult situation during a very unexpected separation which both of us regret and wish had not happened. He thinks we are working towards getting back together. I feel like this some days, but other days I feel like it is just over.

Without going into too many specifics we were very happy until a few months ago. Before this happened, I would have never believed I would ever consider splitting up with him. I loved him completely and everything about the relationship was fantastic.

He did something to me that I find hard to forgive. No OW, no violence. Just something that made me doubt absolutely everything and I can't seem to see "us" in the way I used to.

He let me down big time. I do forgive him for it. There were extenuating circumstances, but at the same time it still happened.

Can anyone tell me if when you feel like this it is best to either give it a try and see what happens, or whether it is best to just walk away on the basis that "if it's meant to be it will be".

The situation is very complicated and while I don't want to drip feed I also don't want to make this post really long and confusing.

[anapitt]

please don't cave in to requests on mumsnet to reveal more than you are comfortable with.

If this was a one off big blip in a fantastic relationship and he is truly sorry and you want to give it another try (which I think you should) you MUST forgive and forget

[Purplegirly]

Do you have DCs?

[Layla0000]

Thanks anapitt.

My question is....what if it was a HUGE blip? Does the size of the blip matter, or more that he has literally never hurt me before in all the years we have been together matter more? (I really can't think of any other time he's let me down in 6 years)

I feel very confused. I know he wants me back, but I now feel no confidence at all. I am worried that after a few months apart, he is missing sex, his ironing getting done and am feeling just very cynical. I know the sex was really good. For him missing that is a big thing to adjust to.

I don't trust him. Don't feel like I can count on him. Don't feel like he is "in it for life" because what he did took all those things away from me.

Can they be rebuilt?

[Layla0000]

Purplegirly. Yes, but not together. We both have from previous marriages.

[Chyochan]

If you really dont trust him, and that seems to be what you are saying, then it has no future.

[anapitt]

do you love him?

[Layla0000]

Yes. It's not that I don't love him. That part is as much there as it was before this happened.

What he did was made me doubt that he really loved me.

And it's hard to explain but that changes how I feel about us.

He didn't have an affair...but I think the type of thing was fairly similar but maybe not quite as bad. Something on those lines that shakes your foundations. I really don't want to describe it here because a lot of our friends are on here.

[Layla0000]

Let's say he made me doubt the depth of his feelings and his commitment to me and us on a very basic level.

Whereas before I was always more sure of this than anything, I am now unsure. I felt betrayed and let down and just completely disrupted. It was the worst I've ever been hurt.

[anapitt]

what does he have to say about the big blip? How does he explain it?

[anapitt]

and did you find out by accident or did he tell you?

[KateAdiesEarrings]

I ok it might be Doctor Phil but I agree with him think there are two steps necessary to recover from a betrayal of trust:

1. he has to acknowledge that he is to blame. Has he done this? Does he understand why it was so upsetting to you? Has he taken steps to assure you nothing like this would ever happen again?
   
2. you need to be able to trust again
   
   If you can't trust him again then it won't work. You'll be living a half life waiting for him to mess up again. It is entirely your right to decide that is the case, and to admit this can't be fixed for you. In fact, if that is how you feel then it would be kinder to end it now than to try to limp on rebuilding a trust that you just can't recover.
   
   If you think it's a matter of time then ask for more time. If you feel deep down inside that the relationship is now broken then hold fast to that feeling and don't be pressured back.

[hellsbellsmelons]

Trust takes years to build, seconds to break, and forever to repair. If it's lost it's not easily found and if it is found it's never the same again

This is a quote I often post on here.
And it's very true.

I have no good advice for you but others will have.
If you feel like this there may be no way to recover.
Or can forgive and try to forget but it will always be there, in the back of your mind.

Do you have property together or any other ties like that?
How long have you been together?

Ultimately - this is how you feel, you can't change that.
Can you live like it though? That is the question?

[Layla0000]

It wasn't the kind of thing he could do "behind my back". It was the kind of things that I bloody noticed! His reason for doing it is fairly understandable in a way. I have found a lot of evidence to support his story as being plausible. Although he could have done many other things faced with the situation he was in which would have caused a lot less damage.

There's nothing he can do prevent it from happening again. I'd just have to trust that it wouldn't.

Right now, I do feel like I would be living half the life I had before, yes. I just don't know if that would be permanent. I know people get over affairs and that is similar in its quality....as in a total betrayal.

If I could...I would do literally anything to get back the relationship I once had. I just, in my heart of hearts feel like this is impossible.

I don't want to give up on him. He is begging me not to, but I feel like he just broke us.

[iamonthepursuitofhappiness]

I think that relationships can survive even the biggest blips if it is a one off event that happens in an unusual chain of events and if both parties recognise that, for the blip to have occurred there, there are problems in the relationship and both parties want to work together to fix those things.

Whatever the blip may be, the 'guilty' party has to be genuinely remorseful for their behaviour and understand that there partner may want to go over and over that event until they have exhausted their thought processes on the matter. There must be tranparency in the relationship and the ability to consider that whatever happened is 'rock bottom' and the commitment to make a stronger relationship out of what happened.

Only really yuo can decide whether you want to put in the effort to make it work. He will say the right things, do you believe him? Was the blip a dealbreaker for you (prior to it occurring)?

[Layla0000]

It did happen in a most unusual chain of events that would be very unlikely to ever occur again, and he does recognise the chain of events and wants to resolve that now by whatever means. He is doing al the right things. He is genuinely remorseful, I don't doubt.

OK...to make things easier..say for example it was an affair as this really is the closest sort of betrayal. Let's say he had sex with someone else during extenuating circumstances (such as we were long distance, we had a big fight that day, he was drunk) and he then told me about it, told me he regretted it more than anything and wanted to rebuild what we had.

(this isn't what happened, but for the sake of understanding concepts)

This is the same sort of situation where what he says and feels now doesn't change the fact that he was capable of doing it and that for that night our relationship was worth so little to him that he risked chucking it all away for selfish reasons.

I know there would be NO WAY IN HELL I would ever forgive anyone else for what he did...for him it feels like maybe I want to try. I am just not sure if I am kidding myself

[hellsbellsmelons]

It is so hard to decide.
My Ex had an affair.
After much soul searching I decided to give it another go.
He said something daft but ultimately, I just couldn't do it.
Knowing what he had done to me.
It just changed everything.
He went from someone who would always love and protect me to someone who could hurt me beyond belief.
I just couldn't do it.
You could try and see. Make no promises to him.
I couldn't get over it but many couples do.

[Layla0000]

Yes, the blip would probably be a deal breaker for 80% of people

[Layla0000]

He went from someone who would always love and protect me to someone who could hurt me beyond belief.

That's it in a nutshell really.

Can people move on one someone changes in their eyes like that. I suppose that is what the people who forgive affairs manage to make sense out of.

[lovemenot]

I understand how you feel. My H did something that showed me he didn't have my back. That was over 18 months ago. Despite counseiling since, we are on the verge of separation.

Admittedly, our relationship had huge communication issues prior to this, but it killed my belief that we could eventually fix things.

I would suggest some counseling for you both, as it sounds like he needs to really "hear" how you feel about all this.

[RatherBeRiding]

The relationship you had is gone - you can't turn back the clock and neither can he.

Are you prepared to accept a different relationship and accept that what you had you've lost? Can you accept that he's not the man you thought he was? Can you still see enough in him to want to be with him?

You say you forgive him but it doesn't sound like you have.

[Twinklestein]

It's very difficult to comment without specifics.

But I'm not a believer in 'unusual chains of events' - life comes down to choice: good ones and bad ones.

Did he actually risk chucking your relationship by his choice? And then regret it afterwards?

[Twinklestein]

choices not choice ^^

[Layla0000]

I think this is the problem RatherBeRiding. I want my old relationship back. the one where I saw him as wonderful and infallible.

I honestly do forgive him.

I used to me so smug about how happy we were!

[Layla0000]

Did he actually risk chucking your relationship by his choice? And then regret it afterward

YES. Blatantly.

[salonmeblowy]

Layla, what struck me is that you said there is now way you would ever forgive anyone else for treating you the way he has. I think it shows healthy boundaries.

I don't think making an exception for him now is in your best long term interests. Family and partners should be a soft place to fall, they should treat you better and with more understanding than others. If anything, I demand much more of DH and my family than I would of strangers, because I let them very close to me.

In order to enjoy close relationships at all, I have to feel that it is OK for me to be vulnerable with people I love/like. IME and IMO that is what intimacy and closeness is built on, feeling safe enough to be oneself and still be loved. Once that feeling of safety is gone, I think I would really struggle to carry on.

I am sorry this happened to you, whatever he did it clearly shook you.