Cant get over a termination. Trigger warning.

[selfdestructivelady]

When I was 15 I was raped by my abusive boyfriend and fell pg. I didn't press charges and have no interest in doing so that's not what this thread is about. But when I told my mum she refused to support me saying I couldn't possibly love a baby from such a abusive relationship and forced me to get a termination.

She took me to a Marie stopes clinic and sent me in alone after taking the first tablet I broke down in tears saying I wanted to make myself be sick and didn't want to take the second tablet. I remember they said I had no choice now that I had to take it. So I did.

Afterwords I was hemmoragging (sp) I knew it but I wanted to die so I hid it and went to sleep. My mother called upstairs to ask me to look after my sister while she went next door. When she did I began to feel urges to push I thought I was giving birth so I want to the toilet and saw something protruding from my vagina. I was happy I though I was further gone and was about to meet my baby.

So I hopped next door and told my mum she rushed me to hospital by which time my trousers were soaked through with blood and I was rushed straight in.

The gyne examined me and informed me I had had a prolapsed womb as a result of the hemmorage and some pieces being stuck.

At which point I vomited and was admitted to hospital for a month I had barely any visitors and I was placed right next to the postnatal ward so I could hear all the babies crying.

I also lied to everyone and said I miscarried as I felt so guilty seeing all the women who had miscarried their babies. I was told I'd have to have a d and c for retained products but luckily it wasn't necessary in the end. I was in physical agony for the whole month.

When I was released I went to see a friends mum who knew of the termination and had just had a baby when I held the baby I started sobbing and she took the baby and held me till I stopped. After this I was given a year therapy but ten years on and three dc later and my arms still feel empty and I'm still upset and effected by this memory. Well done if you got this far how do I fill this gap?

[selfdestructivelady]

Just so people know the psychiatrist encouraged me to name the baby and I choose Alexis and write a letter to my baby.

[EducatingNora]

I'm afraid I have no idea how you fill the gap, but I'm not surprised you still feel so upset by the experience. It sounds incredibly traumatic and you were so young with limited support. I hope you are able to find some peace.

[Dahlen]

I'm so sorry.

I think maybe you could go back and get some more counselling. It might not help but it can't hurt.

I'd have thought that at least part of the problem is not just the loss of your baby but the total sense of abandonment you must have felt as the result of your mother's behaviour. Working through that might help a little.

I think when you've suffered a traumatic bereavement you don't "get over it", you simply find a way to learn to live with it. Many people find that trying to turn it into a positive experience (e.g. campaigning for a charity related to the event) can help, but it's not for everyone and you shouldn't feel under pressure to do anything.

Best wishes.

[Blu]

You poor thing.

No wonder you are traumatised, you suffered an abusive relationship, rape, lack of empathy from your Mum, a horrendous physical condition, a termination process you didn't feel comfortable with.

It may be that it isn't just the termination, but that you have focussed all your trauma on to the fact of the termination because that's the part you maybe feel you could have had most control over, and even that was taken away from you. Also you are focussing on guilt - blaming yourself, when there were many many other people who are responsible for what happened to you.

You may even have PTSD (?).

Sending you lots of warm wishes and sympathy...others will have actual advice.

[AutumnMadness]

This is horrific. I wish I could say something sensible and practical that would make this all go away. But I agree with other posters that this may not be so much about the baby and the guilt for having a termination, but about your mother. This baby came to symbolise all the love that was missing from your life when you were small and vulnerable. Perhaps the missing baby is really yourself. Your mother rejected this baby in the same way she rejected you. Perhaps you could try giving it your own name and writing to yourself? And definitely more counseling, this time about your own childhood and your mother.

And this may sound a bit unethical and evil, but there nothing much constructive in guilt. If you are feeling really guilty, maybe try thinking that it's not actually doing much good to anyone. You do not need to keep punishing yourself to attain absolution. It just makes it worse.

Lots of hugs.

[amumthatcares]

I don't have any experience so can't offer any advice, but want to send you big ((hugs))

I agree with what other people have said. It sounds very much like the deeper issue is the relationship between you and your mother, her total lack of support and that fact that she took your decision away from you. She sounds like a very cold, controlling woman. Is she still like that?

If you had made the decision to terminate and she had fully supported you, the chances are you wouldn't be feeling the way you do now. Do you have a lot of resentment toward her? If so, this is what needs to be addressed

[selfdestructivelady]

My mum is not cold as such she had a young baby and no one to babysit so she waited in the car for me. The ward I was also didn't like children visiting so she couldn't visit the hospital much.

She was however mentally unwell and didn't cope very well with stress which is why she reacted like she did. She always made everything in my childhood about her and how it effected her mental health. Nowadays we are very close and mentally she is well. But yes I do resent her taking that decision from me. I'm also aware that I feel enormous amounts of guilt over that termination.

[amumthatcares]

I think you need to accept that it was not your decision to terminate - so how can it be your fault? You had the decision taken from you and despite your best efforts, you were practically forced to go through with it. You have nothing to feel guilty for. Feelings of grief, resentment, trauma, yes....but not guilt

[selfdestructivelady]

I see what your saying logically but I keep thinking I could of gone into a mother and baby unit and done it alone if I was stronger I would have. Other teens do it like this.

[callamia]

Not if YOU were stronger. You were a child, and you needed love and protection. I am so sorry about what happened to you.

I can absolutely understand why you feel like you do, but you are not to blame in any way. I wonder if you could write a letter to your fifteen year old self? What would you say to yourself? I hope that you find some peace - it's never too late to seek further counselling.

[Droves]

Sdl .... rarely I hav3 read posts and ended up in tears , like I have with this one .

You need to accept this was not your fault . Youve been let down by someone who was supposed to support you. I dont doubt your mum thought she was pushing you to the "best" option .

Unfortunately , your best option would have been to choose for yourself.

The empty feeling might never go away , but if you recognise that and allow yourself to greive for your lost little one , then it might hurt less.

[selfdestructivelady]

Thank you both I'm sorry it made you cry droves. I thought about maybe getting a star named after my baby I know it sounds cheesy but I'm no good at keeping plants alive and I can't afford a memorial bench or anything. That would make me have a place to put my grief. I have no grave to visit or a place where ashes are scattered so I find it hard to grieve I guess.

[callamia]

It's a lovely idea. It's such a mark of the person that you are that you remember this baby with such love.

[selfdestructivelady]

Thank you I'll do that I'll also write a letter to my 15 yo self as was suggested.

[EirikurNoromaour]

This may not help you, and apologies if it feels wrong to you. I lost a baby at 18 weeks and this devastated me for a while. 2 years later I was lucky enough to have my son. For me, the fact that I wouldn't have the son I have if the first baby had lived makes me feel ok. It doesn't make me glad the first baby didn't live in the least, but I feel at peace with it.

[EirikurNoromaour]

I also wonder whether your pain is more related to the trauma of the rape and your mother's coercion rather than the actual loss? And that you are focusing all the painful feelings on the pregnancy whereas what you really need to tackle is the abuse?

[selfdestructivelady]

I don't feel fully over the abuse and rape no. But I am a lot better I could right down some of the things he did to get them off my chest. I still love him and a part of me always will he was even hitting me while I was pg even though he claimed he wanted the baby. He also started taking drugs which he knew as my dad was a addict was a big no from me but I've no doubt it was done to hurt me.

He raped me both ways too and as I was a anal virgin at the time I have never been able to have anal sex since. But sometimes he could be so sweet and loving I guess I stayed because I believed it was my fault he hit and raped me because when we split I slept around and I flirted with other boys a lot.

I haven't got over it but my major trauma lies with the termination I guess after being raped it felt like I was being forces to do something else very traumatic against my wishes.