Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Would you have an affair out of spite?

(55 Posts)
Abbykins1 Tue 21-Jan-14 12:44:30

I am quite vindictive by nature,although very loyal and loving to family,friends,partner’s etc.

So the question is,if you found out your partner was say for example a serial offender when it comes to being unfaithful.
Would you consider having an affair,one night stand,kiss or whatever by way of revenge.

Would you feel better if you did,or have?

Please don’t go in to the principles and rights and wrongs of it,this is a hypothetical question asked out of curiosity.

Just to get the ball rolling.

Would I ?

Yes!

Onesleeptillwembley Tue 21-Jan-14 12:46:32

No of course not. I respect myself too much. To have an affair or even a kiss with someone just because you want revenge is cheap and nasty.

Kaluki Tue 21-Jan-14 12:47:28

No. I couldn't live with myself.
I have been in the position you describe and could easily have had a revenge affair but I couldn't bring myself to do it.
Must be too much of a goody goody I guess!!! grin

Beastofburden Tue 21-Jan-14 12:48:18

No. I would almost certainly want revenge, but I would do something else- I would take every penny I could, and LTB, and set myself up with a free and independent life, and very likely a lovely new partner.

eurochick Tue 21-Jan-14 12:49:51

No. I don't see that would be helpful to me in any way.

MissMilbanke Tue 21-Jan-14 12:49:51

No, 2 wrongs do not cancel things out.

familyscapegoat Tue 21-Jan-14 12:50:28

No.

Because I wouldn't do it to myself. It's also not fair to use other people in your own games.

If I found out my partner was serially unfaithful I would leave my relationship.

Revenge is a bit pointless if the person who hurt you doesn't know about it, isn't it?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Tue 21-Jan-14 12:52:07

No.

I'd leave him.

Logg1e Tue 21-Jan-14 12:55:46

No, I couldn't use somebody else like that.

Lonecatwithkitten Tue 21-Jan-14 12:55:54

I left. The OW's husband tried it on, no way I was going down that route. I would see it as lowering myself to their level. There is a lot to be said for occupying the moral high ground with dignity and good grace.

scaevola Tue 21-Jan-14 12:56:14

No. Even if it was a marriage ending moment, I think it would take a while to start seeing myself as single again. And as I didn't go in for ONS when young and unattached, I wouldn't want to start when older and in the immediate aftermath of a huge hurt.

I'd have no faith in my twat radar at such a time, and hope I'd have enough common sense to wait until I was in better shape.

Logg1e Tue 21-Jan-14 12:56:46

Actually, I think it sounds psychopathic.

Jan45 Tue 21-Jan-14 13:01:36

No, that would mean I needed a man to validate my existence.

Kaluki Tue 21-Jan-14 13:01:42

To lower yourself to the level of the person who hurt you makes you no better than them.
Moral highground and dignity count for a lot and the best revenge is to move on and be happy.

poshfrock Tue 21-Jan-14 13:03:54

Well I know someone who did this and it didn't end well. I have an ExH who remarried after we split. After a few years his DW had an affair and he found out. He then started a new relationship as "revenge". ExH and DW split. DW's new lover was married with kids and didn't want her when she was single and refused to leave his wife. ExH's DP left when she realised his kids ( including my DS) were more important to ExH than her.
So both now single. Not quite sure what any of it proved ( other than me leaving ExH in the first place was the right decision).

MorrisZapp Tue 21-Jan-14 13:06:59

I'd definitely plan a few flings, but they wouldn't be cheating, as I'd be single.

I wouldn't stay with a serial cheat.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 21-Jan-14 13:09:56

Who would you be spiting? What would it achieve? If your partner is a cheat chances are they don't really care what you do anyway. If they found out it could be used as rationalisation for their own behaviour. So, even if it didn't damage your self-esteem, ultimately I'm not sure what it would achieve apart from a childish tit-for-tat. 'Don't cut off your nose to spite your face'

2rebecca Tue 21-Jan-14 13:10:26

No, if you don't want to live with someone who has no intention of being monogomous you split up. Why drag someone else into it?
Tit for tat affairs sound very childish. If you want an open relationship then discuss it.

PoshPaula Tue 21-Jan-14 13:14:19

No, as that would only damage myself. You may as well ask whether I would kill someone else's loved one if that person had done it to me. One doesn't respond to immortal or hurtful behaviour by behaving in the same way. In my view.

Leverette Tue 21-Jan-14 14:13:47

My ex eventually said he'd had his affairs to hurt me. And expected to carry on a conversation after revealing that extremely disturbing thought process and behaviour. Grotesque.

2rebecca Tue 21-Jan-14 14:13:56

Also having an affair might not upset him. He may feel relieved, if he has had repeated affairs he would maybe be happy with you having affairs and feel that meant you thought it was OK.
It's also you behaving in a certain way for his benefit not yours as your affair would be all about you trying to manipulate his emotions not about you wanting an affair and enjoying it.
You have to think of what you want for your life here, not just what would annoy your husband.
Concentrate on improving your life, not making his more miserable.

higgle Tue 21-Jan-14 14:16:17

I wouldn't enjoy any sort of physical contact with anyone I didn't deeply care about - and I'd be worrying about using someone else for my own ends, it would be abuse of the man you chose, surely?

str8tothepoint Tue 21-Jan-14 14:33:38

If you feel that way this relationship is over, we are not in the playground

AnyFucker Tue 21-Jan-14 14:38:24

My knee jerk was "no"

But since my relationship would be instantly over, I would certainly be indulging all those little "itches" I had previously left unscratched due to being in a monogamous partnership whenever the fuck I wanted to

if that makes me a psycho, so be it smile

ProfJamesMoriarty Tue 21-Jan-14 14:43:41

journo!!!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now