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Relationships

Feeling completely lost......

38 replies

Ithurtssomuch · 21/01/2014 06:02

Sorry if this doesn't make any sense, but really need advice and MNers seem so wise, I was hoping someone may be able to help.

Been together for 6 years, married for 4 years, DS 15 months. Husband never been one for doing stuff around the house or helping with DS. basically he works full time and plays on his games console at home. I work full time, do all household chores and take care of DS whenever I'm not working.
20th dec husband out of the blue announced he didn't love me any more and had packed a bag with all his important documents and had it hidden at his place of work. He stated he hadn't loved me for some time but in his words "had been allowed to coast" so had never left before. After a long discussion he stayed over Christmas but was working a lot so we didn't see each other much. Then on 28th December I'd arranged for him to speak to a friends husband at a local pub as he doesn't really have friends of his own, and he didn't come home, I woke up at 2am to find he hadn't returned. I rang his phone and he didn't answer and messaged me that he didn't want to talk to me but was safe. The next day he came to the house collected his car and some belongings. He states he stayed at a male friends from work. He stayed there for the next week, then went to his parents for a week for some "space". All this time leaving me with a 15 month toddler and a full time job, house and all stresses to deal with. I kept going for my son. He announced he was looking at flats to live away from the family home but at the same time asked me to go to relate which I did.we went to relate and they suggested him moving back if he wanted to work on things which he stated he did. So he's been back home a week today. In that time he has not taken care of DS at all. Has gone to work and played on his games console. Last night I asked to speak to him explaining I didn't feel this was working...... We are basically living like strangers. He's staying in the spare room and will say bye to DS on way to work but not speak to me. I feel like I can't do anything right as whatever I do will be reflected to be awful eg.... If I offer to make a drink..... I'm controlling when he drinks...... If I don't make one..... I'm being moody and spiteful. I can't win. Our next session is Thursday. But he says we can't talk about things between relate sessions as he doesn't want to and this is going to be a long and painful road.....Which makes me feel like every day I'm going to have to wake up hurting like I am, spend all day hurting and go to sleep crying.... I'm not sure how much more of this I can take?

Sorry for going on. Any advice would be so so appreciated x

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JeanSeberg · 21/01/2014 06:10

It's no way to live is it? Kick him out back to his morher's and see a solicitor.

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Ithurtssomuch · 21/01/2014 06:14

It's like treading on eggshells, and I'm sure relate didn't mean for him to move back to live like strangers. Because he upped and left me for 2 weeks while he had "space". I think I feel like at any time he may up and leave again. Last night when he told me we couldn't talk in between relate sessions because he wasn't ready.... He was making out I was lucky he moved back as he states he could have disappeared into thin air but he hasn't. Tbh in my head he kind of has as the man I married isn't there any more, he is so cold towards me I feel like he's messing me about going to relate when I feel his mind is made up and he's only going so he can say he "tried everything". When it really doesn't feel like he's trying at all. I just don't want to be hurting any more, I feel well and truly heartbroken :(

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JeanSeberg · 21/01/2014 06:22

Don't let him treat you like this, take back the control.

Get yourself a free half hour legal session and go to some Relate sessions on your own.

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JeanSeberg · 21/01/2014 06:23

I don't believe the story about staying with the friend from work in December.

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isitsnowingyet · 21/01/2014 06:25

He sounds very immature. Is he ever a good Dad to your DS?

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antimatter · 21/01/2014 06:26

He's made his mind up.
Can you afford to stay in your home?
What documents has he taken with him?

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Ithurtssomuch · 21/01/2014 06:29

Thankyou :)
I have been wondering where he was staying in December before going to his parents who live about 400 miles away. He states its a bloke from work, he's only been at this place of work for about 9 months and I'm not sure how many people I could ring at midnight to pick me up that I'd only known for 9 months. I've asked him several times if there's anyone else, so did the relate counsellor and he states not..... But obviously is going to deny it if there is/was. I've been reading quite a few of the threads before posting and have found generally a OW comes out of the woodwork eventually. I just don't get how it got to this.... Without him saying a thing before 20th December. Most men would have loved his life, basically no responsibilities, apart from going to work. Everything done for him. To me this just all doesn't make any sense, I've just played it all over and over in my head.

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linda731 · 21/01/2014 06:29

just let him alone, maybe he needs time and space.

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linda731 · 21/01/2014 06:30

just leave him alone, maybe he needs time and space.

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Ithurtssomuch · 21/01/2014 06:33

I'm getting the feeling he's very immature. I honestly thought when we had a DS he would be a good dad when I was pregnant he was going to do this that and the other. Since having him he has done nothing. I work long hours and have always done all meals I pop them in the freezer for DS. I drop him off at child care, pick him up, meals, bath, bedtime routine etc, take care of him over night, then do it all again the next day. Even on his days off DH doesn't want to take care of him. When he was living away he saw DS for 3 hours on 2 days in 2 and half weeks......

When he left I tried to make a plan for me and DS and I feel really thankful that when I did some calculations I'm pretty sure me and DS can stay in our home, which I'm so great full for. He took his birth certificate, passport, car registration documents, documents for work..... Everything you would need to set up a new life. :(

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JeanSeberg · 21/01/2014 06:34

Are you also sure he went to his parents?

My first thoughts are another woman but that's kind of irrelevant as he's treating you like shit and you need to get tough whatever the reason.

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CalmaLlamaDown · 21/01/2014 06:35

He's only going to relate to pretend he gave it a go to make himself look or feel better about himself. We have done relate and it's essential you talk between sessions; we were given exercises to work through. Tell relate everything you told us. Agree with the poster that suggested having some sessions on your own.

If he can't speak civilly to you and prefers to play computer games to playing with your DS then ask him to leave - what are you gaining from him staying? Again, I think he's only moved back in to pretend he tried everything possible to make it work.

You sound lovely, he sounds like the worst kind of selfish arsehole - sorry you and DS are going through this x

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Ithurtssomuch · 21/01/2014 06:41

Definitely went to his parents in the second week, as DS got conjunctivitis so I rang his parents once to let him know and he was put on the house phone so was definitely there.

That's exactly how I feel about the relate thing. It all feels like a front so he can say he tried everything. That's the thing, I really don't know what I feel I'm gaining by him staying, a part of me thinks its because its scary to be on my own. Thankyou, I did everything for him because I kept thinking he was stressed and wanted to take the pressure of him so just put it onto myself anyway. I don't know what I could have done for this to be different. I feel like I'm being punished for something that I don't know what for :(

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JeanSeberg · 21/01/2014 06:43

Has he got a strong attachment to his phone?

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Ithurtssomuch · 21/01/2014 06:43

On a aside when I did ring his parents, his dad later threw it back at me saying I had bothered him when he was up there when he should have been having space, even though I personally thought I was doing the right thing letting him know DS was unwell. But then maybe I don't know what the right thing is anymore, as tbh I could never ever have walked out on a 15 month old baby.

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Ithurtssomuch · 21/01/2014 06:45

Yes takes his phone everywhere, always has done though so isn't really new. We did have a couple of weeks before Christmas when his phone was going off all the time he was at home. I even made a comment about it as it really was continuous and he said yeah a friend from work is going through a break up so is leaning on me.......

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JeanSeberg · 21/01/2014 06:47

I think you need to get angry...

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Ithurtssomuch · 21/01/2014 06:51

I seem to go through periods of sobbing, then feeling frustrated at how he could do this to us, then wondering what I could have done to make this different, then wondering if someone has caught his eye, then wondering if it could ever all be sorted, then back to sobbing again, all in the space of a day..... I feel like its making me crazy.

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JeanSeberg · 21/01/2014 06:52

One step at a time - surely you couldn't feel any worse with him living out of the house?

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JeanSeberg · 21/01/2014 06:54

Have you brought the affair up in the Relate sessions?

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Ithurtssomuch · 21/01/2014 06:56

When he was living away for those 2 and a bit weeks, it was hard knowing it was just me and DS but in a way we got on with our little routine and it felt a bit like we were a little team, just me and him against the world.

I think a part of me is hoping he realises what a plonker he is being and that he realises how much I'm hurting, although he must know as I was just sobbing last night on the sofa, but his eyes are cold, I'm not sure there's any part of him that cares one little bit.....oh I'm rambling now....

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Ithurtssomuch · 21/01/2014 07:00

He brought it up saying I had accused him of having an affair, when in fact it was a friend, the lady asked me if I'd been cheated on in the past, which I have. He straight faced denied it. I'm not sure if its something we will come back to in the sessions. See I know it's best to keep going to the sessions but a part of me is like why am I going when he's obviously called a line over it and its a front, the sessions are in an evening because of work, I feel like I should be looking after DS during that time rather than leaving him with his grandparents, to try and sort out something that I'm wondering if there's any hope at all to it :(

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AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/01/2014 07:03

What do you get out of this relationship now.

Its not done to you solely to try and fix things and he is patently not interested. This man seems to be an entitled manchild who's checked out of this relationship on all levels.

I think you are seeing the real him now and I'd become bloody well angry with him. Such men too do not change.

You and he should not be together any more; this is no life for you or your child.

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Worriedkat · 21/01/2014 07:04

Wheres his bag of documents? Still at work? Are you able to access bank statements, savings accounts, prove his salary?

I suspect hes spinning his dad and others a line to make himself look and feel better and blaming you, which is why they appear to be supporting him.

Probably another woman, he sounds like a complete arsehole, youll feel so much better without him around.

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antimatter · 21/01/2014 07:04

Looking back at time when I was separating with my ex I wish I went for counseling on my own.
I was (as you do) finding endless excuses for his behaviour and was afraid of confrontation.
Temporary separation can also be good. Look into that. You are already doing everything yourself, can afford to support you and ds. Some space with well defined boundaries would do both of you good.

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