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Am I as unwanted as I feel?

(36 Posts)
Thatisall Mon 20-Jan-14 22:33:11

I had an argument with my 'best friend' of 25 years, just over 12 months ago. I say best friend but we'd drifted, we still saw each other just as much but for around 3 years I got the impression that she liked understood me less and less. There are so many details I could give to explain why, but you'd get bored smile

Anyway this person, I'll call her Lou, has a terrible temper. She knows it, worries about it etc. We were like family, but not always in a good way, like in the sense that one way or another, family will always look to forgive and take you back, whatever you do. She spoke to me like shit whenever she was tired, angry, lonely. People, me included would just say "oh but you know Lou, she has a temper" and let her get away with it. She wasn't very loyal either, leaving my wedding early to get laid (despite the fact that she was meant to take my dd home with her after the party and instead I spent the last hour of my reception trying to arrange childcare). But there were good times and I loved her like a sister.

The argument. I'd found out my gran had cancer that day and she snapped at me for calling her when she was having a conversation and interrupting her hmm . I was already emotional and it was the straw that broke the camel's back and I flipped. I told her not to speak to me until she was prepared to speak to me like a human being. That was November. The week before Christmas was spent with me receiving abusive texts from her and her sister and then a call from her mum all saying how UR I was. Actually I was called a cruel manipulative bitch for 'breaking her heart'. The sis hoped that my dd might be taken away so that she didn't turn out like me. Merry Christmas eh? It only ended when I puled out the big guns and said I'd call the police if it continued.

A year has gone by and basically our mutual friends, a very tight knit group are gone from my life and Lou has pretty much become bosom buddies with anyone who has ever fallen out with me...ever. I've just been politely (and it really was, I felt sorry for her) uninvited to a baby shower because Lou says she wont attend if I do. I said I wouldn't go because I'd be leaving earlier than most and I'm sick of being the bad guy.

Nobody seems to care enough about me as a friend or want my company as an individual to risk her wrath and see me.
While I know it says more about them than me, I can't help feeling like if everyone thinks I'm a dick then I must be? DD misses all these adults who have been in her life since she was a baby (now 11) and asks why she doesn't hear from Lou (her godmother) even on birthdays and Christmas.

I feel horrid, like mould.

I don't know what advice anyone can give, I know that I would advise someone in my position, that time will heal the pain and that she should find new, better people and I have. I have some wonderful newer friends who are positive, like minded people, but its not the same. Theres no history with these new friends. I miss the history more than the person/people I think.

I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else has experienced something similar? Does this 'happen often' or am I really just a completely bitch that nobody wants anymore?

Tinks42 Mon 20-Jan-14 22:44:19

A lot going on here OP.

Yes, you are missing the history of a long term thing. But she sounds like a total nightmare.

Why have you fallen out with others? what happened there then?

Thatisall Mon 20-Jan-14 22:50:55

Tink I suppose I changed. I got happy smile I recovered from depression and didn't need them in the same way. I stopped being someone you couldn't be mean to. The first event that I wasn't included in was something she organised and the next time was something that was organised at the table with her there (so I'm not even asked). It kind of went on like that. Any mention of me and she'd say well I'm not going then.
Time just went on. I tried to organise things at first but got tired of it, when friends would have birthdays and not invite me because Lou was coming. Once that happened a few times, it just became the norm and over 12 months I ended up without a Christmas card from 10 people who used to be like family.

stayanotherday Mon 20-Jan-14 22:55:58

They sound like a bunch of children.

Tinks42 Mon 20-Jan-14 22:57:40

Oh honey, they are lambs to the slaughter then huh. sometimes you have to get rid of shit and all the arsewipes follow. You are doing the right thing in moving on, just think in a couple of years with the new friends you will have healthy history with them.

Notawordfromtheladybird Mon 20-Jan-14 22:58:55

When friend A and friend B fall out with each other, rest of us adults can manage to still be friends with both.

Agreed, sounds like a bunch of teens.

If this was family, you'd be calling them toxic.

I think she's done you a favour by letting you see just how one-sided your friendships with these others was.

stayanotherday Mon 20-Jan-14 23:00:38

I couldn't be doing with all this playground nonsense. You find that when you get better you and your life changes and you see through the rubbish. They'll see through her.

Thatisall Mon 20-Jan-14 23:01:06

I feel like I shouldn't care but I do. You sort of wonder if everyone thinks you're a bitch, then there must be some truth in it. I know she will have ben in their ears and I haven't really said my piece, but if they believe whatever she's said (and it must be bad for us to have ended up here) then they cant have thought much of me in the first place.....but that just makes me feel worse! Because I loved them! And my dd loved them. They were there when she blew out candles, started school, they loved her I thought. Now they're gone and when I try to rekindle, they don't seem interested or more, they seem scared to rock the boat.

Tinks42 Mon 20-Jan-14 23:08:21

They aren't there now though, silence is golden. Don't speak to them anymore, don't ask them what happened. I know you care but act like you don't and you soon won't. Your daughter is young, she will find her own friends, she doesn't need yours and what goes with them. Put your energy into the new ones and build a new history.

Tinks42 Mon 20-Jan-14 23:11:52

I also don't care who thinks im a bitch and believe me Ive been called it (quite like the tag), I know im not and that's all that matters..... the past is just that.

walkdowntheavenue Mon 20-Jan-14 23:15:48

I have a similar situation and it is horrid. I weep for the relationships and trust and love I thought I had with this group of people. In my case they have set out to destroy me and we're looking at financial ruin to try move and get as far away from them as possible.
I know I should be glad to have seen this side of them and be rid of them from my life but it's not that simple. It's like a serious long term relationship has broken up and I'm still picking up the pieces.
I don't have the confidence to make new friends, I'm scared it will happen again so I'm completely isolated with not a soul in the world to call a friend. It's devastating. All I can do is take it day by day and know in my heart that I'm not a bad person or any of the things they have said about me.

Walkacrossthesand Mon 20-Jan-14 23:19:07

Nasty people seem to have such power don't they? But it's not a power I envy. It's a pity 'Lou' has been able to lie and terrorise your friends into falling into line behind her - I suspect it's not for ever, one of them will break ranks and then her queendom will crumble. Trouble is, I rather think you'll forever be wary of these people who didn't have the wisdom and awareness to challenge 'Lou' right at the beginning and refuse to let her dominate - I doubt the friendship will ever recover, that's a shame, and that's why you're grieving now. The very fact that you are worried that you might be a 'bitch' makes it very unlikely that you are, BTW - you've been 'Wendied' and it hurts.

Thatisall Mon 20-Jan-14 23:24:50

walkdown. I've made new relationships but they don't feel as natural. Plus I wonder whether because we were all so close from such a young age, I was lazy and didn't really learn how to make friends as an adult. The first friend I made was a very kind old friend from outside this group. She noticed that if been unhappy when we bumped into each other and was nice to me. That was all I wanted.

Abbierhodes Mon 20-Jan-14 23:25:50

It is horrid when a long term friendship breaks up- I totally get what you're saying about 'like family' not always being a good thing too.

I had a similar friendship go wrong- although it doesn't sound as bad as yours, there was no nastiness afterwards. My DCs asked for months and months about why we didn't see my friend and her DD any more. I ended up telling them they'd moved away- so they asked why we didn't get to say goodbye- ugh- heartbreaking, hideous mess.

I have no advice, I'm afraid, as over a year on I still don't know how you get over it. But lots of sympathy.

Thatisall Mon 20-Jan-14 23:29:24

walkacross. What does wendied mean confused

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Mon 20-Jan-14 23:33:56

They sound awful.
And shallow.
Some people are like this, they like you when you're down, depressed, a victim.
You either give them someone to feel sorry for, someone to gossip about, or someone to gossip to, as you're 'so far down the pecking order that your opinion doesn't matter, neither do your feelings ect'

I hope I worded that how I mean it.
Emotional vampires?

Now you're happier, they don't have that any more.
Your 'Lou' may be the catalyst, but it appears it's time to go get yourself some new friends, who match your new outlook on things? smile And eventually it would have happened anyway.

What her sister said was shitty.
But, did it harm you (well apart from being hurtful) ?
Hint. You need to care about a person before you give a flying fuck about their opinion. So what she said matters about zero much wink

Move on, leave them behind. Friends move with you, feel happy for you, support and side with you, they don't make you feel the way these people have.
You're not worthless, or 'mould'

Fuck em'
grin

Walkacrossthesand Mon 20-Jan-14 23:37:56

There are threads here from time to time about people whose friendship group is invaded by a newcomer who then proceeds to alienate all the friends from the 'original friend'. The first time it happened, someone said 'my friend, let's call her Wendy' and the name stuck. Not quite the same for you because it was an old friend not a new one, but the principle is the same. Someone who can link to previous Wendy threads may be along directly.

Thatisall Mon 20-Jan-14 23:39:08

Thanks thingsthat your comment means even more coming from a sparring partner wink. I appreciate it.

AttackOfTheKillerMonsterSnowGo Mon 20-Jan-14 23:51:47

Whilst I don't have the same issue of having friends in common who are being forced to 'take sides' (which sounds really childish of them and pretty horrible for you.) I have also fallen out with my best friend, of over 20 years, who has a real temper and from whom I took a verbal beating and decided to just let go of as it was too hurtful to keep holding on.

It feels so weird to have such a long running root pulled out from under you doesn't it? I've had several other unconnected friendships drift off in the last year too and I am very familiar with the 'is it me??' Feeling. You come across as being pretty self aware, so I'd guess that it's NOT you. They sound like they are happy to let her rule over them, which is very sad...not just for you, but for them and ultimately her as that type of dominance has no relation to true friendship.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is a very lonely, emotionally battering time when you lose a good friend. Take it easy on yourself, believe in your likeability and as a VERY wise woman once told me 'when people hurt you, ignore you or discount your feelings, it is usually due to something going on in your lives rather than there being something deficient in or wrong with you.' I try to remember that, because I do tend to take things personally, and do you know what? The more I see people moving about their daily lives the more I believe she is a genius. People just don't think about others as much as we'd like them to...

Walkacrossthesand Mon 20-Jan-14 23:51:58

Trying out a link:
Wendy

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Mon 20-Jan-14 23:52:32

Lol wink how long have you been on mn? As well as learning about what it means to be wendied.. You'll come to realise a poster you want to slap on one thread you agree with on another.

This is what's decent about most people, a little spat doesn't stop them coming to handhold or offer support when you need it smile

Seriously. I had long long term friends who I rarely see but when I do, they welcome me as if they saw me yesterday.
I used to be friends with someone like 'Lou' a long time ago and took an emotional punchbag role in her life too.
She twisted a lot of old friends against me and as I didn't see them often, I didn't know till it was too late. The best thing was, I introduced her to them as she was single white female type lonely and new to the area.

She had to find a new victim once I'd gone.
Then another and another until she'd drained them all.
Then they wanted to know me again.
Well, friends like that I don't need, they should have known me well enough not to fall for her divide and conquer crap, or at least let me know what was going on which would have been the decent thing.

You do not need people like that in your life. Yes, it's a wrench and very sad to lose people you've known a long time, but if they have had their heads this easily turned then they're not really friends at all.
Rather be alone on a desert island than reconnect with my old 'friends' now.
I hope this helps and doesn't make you feel even more rotten, because it's not really a solution. Sorry you're going through this. thanks

AttackOfTheKillerMonsterSnowGo Mon 20-Jan-14 23:55:00

In THEIR lives, not yours...doh.

Thatisall Tue 21-Jan-14 00:04:15

Ah wendied, I've been educated haha! Probably about 3 maybe 4 years on mn. Though I go through phases of not logging on for a couple of months to logging on every day. Never heard that one before though smile

Also I'm all for MN spats one min and then support the next bit I'm aware that some posters aren't and take things very seriously. It's refreshing and it's one of the many things I love about this place.

BillyBanter Tue 21-Jan-14 00:12:18

Did you change before the argument?

I think maybe your friends were comfortable with the dynamic in the group and their relationship with you as thatisall before you changed. When you changed that altered their relationship with you. So when there was this argument, it wasn't that they thought you were in the wrong it's that had already vacated your role in the group?

With her temper it's only a matter of time before she snaps at one of them like she did you. It's unlikely they'll all be as tolerant as you and it won't be long before her new wide social circle starts to shrink.

Enjoy your new friends. It must be much less stressful not having her in your life. Snappy friends that you have to walk on eggshells around aren't fun.

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