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If your DH stays in hotels for work, do you know details?

(69 Posts)
oldzebra Mon 20-Jan-14 20:11:10

If you have a dh that has the type of "city" job where he is all over the country/sometimes in Europe at meetings, conferences etc. Masses of social events with clients - ie. attending sporting events and "dressy" occasions ie. at the races, lots of black tie dinners etc. - how much info do you have about what hotel he's at etc.? Do you have access to the hotel details or does he just say "I'm in Edinburgh tonight".

Been together 24 years (with an 18 month separation about 14 years ago) he left me for younger colleague. We got back together and not really had any suspicions in all that time.

Just over a year ago I suspected he was developing a crush on someone at work (also married, junior to him and 18 years younger). Also noticed the distancing behaviour and checking out of the marriage, phone never leaving his side.

I confronted him and he said that basically there was no “spark”, he didn’t think there ever had been etc.

I'd put on a lot of weight (3 1/2 stone)/completely stopped taking any care of myself. I said I’d been very depressed and if he was patient I’d get anti depressants and get fit, start taking care of myself and see if there was still no spark. (I have a busy job working from home as well as doing everything to run house, kids (17 and 9) bills etc.

He said he didn’t hold out any hope for our relationship. I found a couple of flirty emails between him and colleague X and walked out and left. I would not be made a mug of again. I should say here, that I don't believe anything has ever happened between him and colleague X. I think she is very much a woman in a man's world and flirts to get what she wants etc. However, my husband falling for this and running around after her etc, I find frankly cringe worthy.

I knew I needed to build a new life for myself and said he was full time parent, i'd be disney mum. I didn't worry about the kids as he is a loving father and would do everything for the kids.

I was gone for two weeks. He took that time off work and said he couldn't believe he'd left me alone to cope with everything and he wanted to make changes etc. For the first time in his life he'd felt the sheer relentless monotony of washing, cleaning, feeding children etc. He said he wanted to get back for the right reasons as we deserved to be a family again. He said if I didn't want that, he could get an au pair etc.

He always denied he had a crush. He said he accepted that maybe he'd been slightly inappropriate by responding to flirty emails as he was married etc and he understood it was disrespectful.

I agreed to come back, but only if he was completely open about passwords etc so that I could build trust up again.

A few months into our new start I found out he’d lied about a trip he was on. He told me colleague X wasn’t going to be there. Turns out he’d actually done her booking for her and was staying for 3 nights at the same hotel. They had meals near the hotel at the end of each working day.

He says he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me overreacting to something he couldn’t change. His job does involve staying away with various members of the team. They were both working at the same event, and couldn’t eat separately.

I can understand this, however him booking her into a hotel was far too considerate and treating her like a princess – let her book her own bloody rooms. He said yes in future he would do that etc. Anyway that blew my trust away when I saw receipts etc that he’d been eating out with her and booking her into same hotel whilst saying just ran into her occasionally at the event. We spoke about it and he agreed to just say if she was going to be somewhere with him rather than "avoid me reacting" etc. I was very much swayed by his calm reaction and wanting to reassure me. I knew if he had something to hide he typically "storms off" etc.

The affair he'd had 14 years ago was now very much in my mind and I felt waves of insecurity etc. I'd question him where he's been etc and sometimes felt ill from worry. Gradually the trust started to return.
Sometimes hotels are booked by the travel department, but he says he prefers to do it himself as he can check for gym facilities etc. and in the past he would have used laterooms.

Cut to last week, the transparency we spoke about last year seems to have slightly disappeared at some stage. I was thinking things were ok but last week he was away overnight. I've had access to his account on laterooms, but hadn't logged on for about six months as things seemed ok for us.

I tried to log in to laterooms, but he’d changed his password. I mentioned this to him and he said he doesn't really use laterooms much any more and offered a suggestion as his password for laterooms, but it didn't work either.

Being able to know I could log into laterooms to see where he was staying, was part of me building up trust again.

I then realised he wasn’t having his work credit card statements sent to our home address anymore. I asked him and he said he didn’t really use laterooms anymore, didn't know about the credit cards.

He's been bit evasive and I haven't directly asked for new passwords etc. as I know what he's going to say. He feels like he's being checked up on etc. I'm very much if you've got nothing to hide, there's nothing to hide etc. Massive row yesterday.

I can't live without openness etc about where he is (based on previous infidelity). He says that was years ago and he's proved himself since then etc.

What do you think? In my position would you want access to hotel details? Or am I being unreasonable?

ForalltheSaints Sat 25-Jan-14 08:35:49

Could you contact him if one of the children was involved in an accident, or if you were seriously ill? That should be the main concern.

CookieDoughKid Sat 25-Jan-14 00:03:35

And that's a MAN's perspective.

CookieDoughKid Sat 25-Jan-14 00:03:02

Op - Quite frankly, it sounds to me your dh has no interest in being with you. What is it do you want to change given that it's impossible to change your dh? Yes, your dh may be on the ASD spectrum etc but IMO, did he not have a perfectly functional mind when changing his passwords and getting in touch with these women?

Whatever you do, please don't make excuses for your dh as he is an adult, and I assume control of his own d$ck. I read your post to my dh about booking the hotel rooms etc and my dh responded with just one reply 'He just wanted to get into her knickers'.

MissScatterbrain Thu 23-Jan-14 12:46:18

I agree that its easy to blame ASD/aspergers.

However it could be that he has chosen affairs as his coping mechanism and that he is self medicating by using the ego boosts and thrills he get from from cheating.

Still a very messed up situation. He sounds very detached and has no interest in making it work so I am afraid you have no chance of succeeding sad

Cut your losses and focus on yourself and rebuilding your life.

Jaffacakesallround Thu 23-Jan-14 12:05:37

A very close friend's DH had an affair 2 years back and they went for counselling afterwards. His affair was with a colleague on another continent. Their counsellor told them that having exact contact details for hotels etc was the absolute minimum expected between couples when one works away.

I don't think this will help your situation now- but just to throw it in to the mix.

I think your DH has just checked out of your marriage. Sorry.

It's easy to blame ASD or Aspergers for behaviour but if he can manage to ntertain at work etc then he can't be that badly affected. has he had a real diagnosis or is it your diagnosis of him which gives him a 'reason' to behave as he does?

I once thought my DH had Aspergers( he hasn't) and my counsellor gave me a book to read Aspergers in Love. It's worth reading and if your marriage survives could be helpful.

But his self-absorbed behaviour and reluctance to engage with you on any meaningful level does not bode well.

Are you going to be able to make the break? Or put up with yet more shit from him?

oldzebra Thu 23-Jan-14 11:21:21

Thanks for all your comments. I've had lots to think about and it's really helped to see it from the outside.

Someone above mentioned, how would it prove he wasn't being unfaithful to know the hotel details. It's more the fact that he's changed his password at some stage, and now apparently books direct etc means he's starting to be secretive again. That's the issue really.

However, I still haven't had this particular discussion with him. He said he's had enough of 20 questions and thinks some space will do us good. So not really seen him all week again.

Was always more or less a tee-total person. However, the last few years I've started drinking wine late at night. As well as the over eating all adds to leaving me "stuck" with the weight issue and "stuck" with my life.

Haven't had any wine now since Saturday. Haven't stayed up late to avoid going to bed. Haven't been overeating. Also feel calmer.

Although, intellectually I knew the eating and drinking was caused by not dealing with my feelings, it wasn't emotionally getting through. Literally, the food is just stuffed down on top of my feelings so I don't feel anything. This meant I've just carried on in the same circle. I really feel like I've stepped outside of the circle and can say what I feel for a change. Felt numb before, but now feel detatched, which doesn't seem like a bad feeling, given the situation.

What I feel is more alone when he's here, than when he's not. When he's here he's always tired (which I fully understand). He's either in the bath, laying on the bed looking at ipad or reading, or sleeping. He doesn't ever want to sit in the same room in the evening once the kids have to bed etc. Says hes bored with tv and has no interest in watching it. If I sit with him while he's going through work emails then "i'm spying" on him etc.

I absolutely hate smoking and I am sick of seeing him pacing around the garden smoking and on his phone (to be fair we don't have a good signal at all, live on edge of forest etc). However, it all adds to the impression of a caged animal that doesn't want to be with me.

However, if I address this, then I'm wrong. He's just tired etc. But just saying out loud, you know what I don't care you say you're fine etc, don't want to split up. Every fibre of your body screams the opposite.

Really don't think I'm going to have any trouble losing weight and getting fit now.

Obviously, his side would be a long list of problems he has with me etc. and you know what I say, if you dislike me so much then fuck off. But it all just stays "stuck".

We are all on the high functioning autistic spectrum. My son was diagnosed at 3. My daughter covered it up so well, that even I wasn't sure, but she was diagnosed at 6.

Having it myself, I know how difficult it can be to spot and how "normal" we can appear to others. I took my dd to one of the top specialists in the country, as I knew we needed someone that understood how effective "covering" techniques are; after the diagnosis, they told me that they were extremely surprised themselves and could understand my reasons for seeking out very experienced autism experts.

I'm just giving this background info to explain we all have it, but to all intents and purposes no one else would know. My husband's job involves continuous entertaining of clients, networking etc and he's able to keep his act up, however it does mean he crashes and burns and needs lots of down time to unwind. Covering the asd is exhausting at the end of each day. Time is needed by everyone to to process and "think" about the day, but with the asd it's a little more intense and you need to think without being interrupted etc. IYKWIM? a little more than people not on the asd.

So I do cut him some slack, but even so I know I don't want to be around this pacing, caged, secretive person he becomes.

Littleen Wed 22-Jan-14 23:32:35

It sounds very dodgy, and I can understand your anxiety. My other half does not work away, but I was commuting away 3-4 days a week for 2 years. He always knew where I was staying, and what I was up to that day - even who I was hanging out with. This was just stuff that we would chat about every day, nothing to do with infidelity or anxiety on either part, just the (for us) normal "update" of what's up. We have each others pw's, details for most stuff, and I do the boring bank stuff, so open his bank statements, which he doesn't ever look at anyway! This is also how me and my ex had it, completely open and no doubts about what was going on. Seems normal to me anyway. I'd be very suspicious to your husband. Perhaps give couples counselling a go (you are "entitled" to demanding this) as a last resort, but like others have said, you are worth more than this guy - most men are not like him. I wish you the best of luck! brew

Lambzig Wed 22-Jan-14 21:28:55

OP I hope you are ok. I think your issues are way bigger than knowing which hotel he is in, but I think you are absolutely right to have concerns.

Up until recently, I didn't know what hotel DH stayed in, didn't need to, but now we have two small DC, I tend to get the name off him, just as a back up if I needed to get hold of him.

However, I don't think that's the problem here.

feelingvunerable Wed 22-Jan-14 21:05:25

Are you ok op?

Jaffacakesallround Tue 21-Jan-14 15:48:23

My DH works away a lot and I insist I have the details- sometimes the mobile signals are poor or don't work and I want a landline and location for emergencies- how else would I- or you- contact them if we needed them home fast?

But I don't really see why knowing which hotel he's in has anything to do with proving or disproving an affair.

He could sleep with a woman in his room- or hers at another hotel.

Location is not an issue surely?

Re. the credit card statements, my DH uses a card purely for expenses and it's registered in his name and arrives here. If yours has changed his address then that is something only he could do.

It seems rather dim though because unless he is accounting for his personal dates on an expense account, why would he need to hide the statements?

I'm sorry to be blunt but your whole marriage seems a bit dodgy. He had an affair when you had a 3 year old, 14 years back. You now have a 17 and 9 yr old. I can see the 9 yr old takes up your time but the teen ought to be helping around the house now!

A year ago your DH said there was 'no spark' and you offered to lose weight and start taking ADs. Do you not see anything wrong in that behaviour? Yes, you should sort yourself out re, weight and depression, but for you- not to 'keep a man. It makes you sound desperate and lacking in self respect.

Have you got to the route of why you are depressed? hHve you had any talking therapy via your GP? Is your marriage the reason you are depressed?

I don't know if he is having an affair but his behaviour raises questions for sure.

I think you sound on the back foot all the time. You jump to his tune. If he says there is no spark, well what is he going to do about that? Why is it down to you?

Maybe you ought to think about whether you want to be with this man or not, whatever. He doesn't sound much of a catch.

Joysmum Tue 21-Jan-14 15:33:06

I can totally relate to you not trusting your judgement, I was the same when I'd discovered my husbands lies. I won't lie, I didn't trust him, didn't trust myself. As it was, the way I look at things is that I was dead right not to trust him, right because he was lying, wrong because it wasn't my biggest a fear of infidelity, 'only' him lying.

Difference is, my husband is nothing but understanding. If I'd posted my fears on mumsnet at time, or posted about the extreme levels of fear and mistrust I was going through back then, the majority of responses I'd have got would have been to LTB and that there was no hope given my levels of mistrust and that I'd either push him away or drive myself crazy. It's been a good number of years since those dark days and I'm glad we both thought it worth working through.

Getting to the stage of leaving needs to be a process, and only occur when all hope has gone of either one, or both people wanting to try to improve things.

oldzebra Tue 21-Jan-14 14:03:12

Thank you, I will think about it. Just processing lots of stuff really. I've told him we need some space to be sure of any decision. Feels like I've completely stepped outside of the situation and I'm looking at the two of us now. Don't want to be drawn into any arguments. Detached.

MissScatterbrain Tue 21-Jan-14 13:52:23

Seeing a solicitor will help you feel more in control of your life even if you do not decide to split up.

Diagonally Tue 21-Jan-14 13:41:12

Splitting can be easier when you have nothing.

Have you taken any legal advice? It might be worth finding out where you stand now.

Twinklestein Tue 21-Jan-14 11:34:40

I'm sorry to hear about your mum OP.

The frozen feeling is probably a mixture of all of these factors. The more distress you experience the more numb you become.

Can you arrange for some counselling through your GP? You sound very much in need of support right now.

oldzebra Tue 21-Jan-14 11:27:47

No, they were down to investments made just before the credit crunch. It's invested in property developments abroad, banks stopped lending and nothing really moved forward since then....

At the same time he was working at a smaller company which basically stopped paying him and promised him this, that and the other - not of which materialised. He was effectively working for nothing for nearly a year helping them to prop things up. They always had a convincing reason to delay things.

MissScatterbrain Tue 21-Jan-14 11:22:37

He has done a great job of stamping on your self esteem - you sound so crushed and empty sad

How did the financial worries happen? were these down to his spending?

oldzebra Tue 21-Jan-14 11:18:12

Thanks for the responses. I think part of my being frozen problem is I can't really trust my reactions recently. This is because a lot of the depression was contributed by us losing everything financially.

We may get it back at some stage in the future, but equally it looks as if we may not. So we've been renting for 7 years now. This means on splitting up, there won't really be much to split! He earns a very good salary and I run all the money stuff and we don't have any debt as of this month.

He works for a large firm and his company credit card statement, which used to arrive here, doesn't anymore. All the spending he does is really on that card.

Also last year my mum died after a long illness.

I don't know if I feel frozen because of the financial worries and my mum and can't move forward. Or, if it's because I feel I don't trust him.

MissScatterbrain Tue 21-Jan-14 10:54:47

*what made him have the affair

MissScatterbrain Tue 21-Jan-14 10:54:12

Its sounds like things were swept under the carpet 14 years ago and he never really addressed what made him after the affair and as a result he is still behaving like a selfish entitled dick.

I agree with the poster who says that its not surprising you have depression - it must be a real headfuck having to eat a shit sandwich and put up with his behaviour.

I am sure that he is a serial cheater -after all he knows he got away with it before.

The fact that there isn't total transparency, that he still lies and sends flirty texts/emails etc show he has NOT learned his lesson, that he does NOT give a shit about his marriage or you. He has NO respect for you at all and sees you as the skivvy raising his kids and keeping his home.

Get rid. You are worth much more that this.

Joysmum Tue 21-Jan-14 09:50:58

My hubby works away a lot. I had been cheated on in a previous relationship and scared it'd happen again, although didn't believe anything had happened.

Then hubby thought it'd be better for me and him to omit to tell me have was staying away with a female colleague and I only found out when he answered the phone when in hands free and I could hear her. That played to all my fears, I went fucking nuts, he came home. I believed his reasons for doing it but my fears tore me up. I explained that I can't abide liars, if he lies (by omittence) then being lied to hurts me more than my fears that lead me to imagine infidelity ever could and I need transparency, no matter how much he thinks otherwise. Despite this, he omitted to tell me again and admitted he never would have if I hadn't found out. I went fucking mad, asked him to imagine how he'd feel if I'd kept something like that from him, despite him never having been cheated on and me never having given him cause to doubt like he had once before. Point made, we've never had an issue since.

That was years ago, he now fully realises how wrong he was given how much more relaxed and confident I am now he's fully transparent.

I don't get given hotel details, don't ask for them but if I needed to ask there'd be no issue. Having details if hotels won't tell you anything about possible fidelity issues anyway.

Now, things are much better for me. Of course I still fear he'll cheat or that he will suddenly decide I'm not his true love, difference is that it is just a fear and not fed by lies by omittence. To me, it's the same as my reoccurring nightmare I have about my daughter drowning. Both are based on fears founded from previous experience (I nearly drowned as a child) but neither are increasing likely given the situation today.

In short, both hubby and I fully accept and acknowledge my fears but ensure that we manage life to ensure that those fears aren't fed. If you break your finger hitting it with a hammer when knocking a nail in, you'll always be wary, that'll never leave you and will feature in your thoughts till the day you die. Same thing goes where you've had a partner be unfaithful in the past, more so if it's your current partner. Both of you need to fully understand and appreciate this will always be so.

My DH always tells me the name of his hotel, but that is partly because the nature of his work often means that there is very limited mobile phone reception so I would have to call the hotel if I needed to contact him.

When I was travelling, I always told him where I was going to be. And I would eat with male colleagues if there was someone around to break up the monotony. But DH always knew that, because all my colleagues were male.

I think your DH needs to take your concerns more seriously. At the moment he is taking you for granted, patronising you and minimising your (reasonable given his history) concerns. He seems to think that you will not leave.

Tonandfeather Tue 21-Jan-14 00:21:22

I'd say your husband has done a cost-benefit analysis.

Stay married, keep assets, extra shags paid for by the corporation's hotel/expense policy, being able to say "I'm married and I can't leave the children" versus paying for an au pair, losing over 50% of assets, paying divorce and lawyer costs and having to be honest with the latest woman.

It looks like he's at it again, so cut your losses because this one ain't never going to change.

shey02 Mon 20-Jan-14 23:14:52

Agreed. And btw you are being more than reasonable and are bending over backwards to accomodate him emotionally... At the absolute least owes you complete transparency given the ordeal that he has put you through.

I've been in your situation, I was scared to leave, scared to stay. In the end I did what frightened me the most because the end product was the unknown, a slight chance that I'd be happier.... So I left and I was, after a remarkably short time, happier. No regrets about that, only that I wish I'd done it sooner.

Sorry about what you're going through. Hugs

Diagonally Mon 20-Jan-14 22:56:44

I quite agree, in those two weeks he saw his future life flash before his eyes and realized he'd be mad to walk out on you. Where would he find someone else willing to cater to all his domestic needs while he swans around having dinner and sharing hotels with "crushes" 18 years his junior?

He's taking the absolute p***.

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