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If your DH stays in hotels for work, do you know details?

(69 Posts)
oldzebra Mon 20-Jan-14 20:11:10

If you have a dh that has the type of "city" job where he is all over the country/sometimes in Europe at meetings, conferences etc. Masses of social events with clients - ie. attending sporting events and "dressy" occasions ie. at the races, lots of black tie dinners etc. - how much info do you have about what hotel he's at etc.? Do you have access to the hotel details or does he just say "I'm in Edinburgh tonight".

Been together 24 years (with an 18 month separation about 14 years ago) he left me for younger colleague. We got back together and not really had any suspicions in all that time.

Just over a year ago I suspected he was developing a crush on someone at work (also married, junior to him and 18 years younger). Also noticed the distancing behaviour and checking out of the marriage, phone never leaving his side.

I confronted him and he said that basically there was no “spark”, he didn’t think there ever had been etc.

I'd put on a lot of weight (3 1/2 stone)/completely stopped taking any care of myself. I said I’d been very depressed and if he was patient I’d get anti depressants and get fit, start taking care of myself and see if there was still no spark. (I have a busy job working from home as well as doing everything to run house, kids (17 and 9) bills etc.

He said he didn’t hold out any hope for our relationship. I found a couple of flirty emails between him and colleague X and walked out and left. I would not be made a mug of again. I should say here, that I don't believe anything has ever happened between him and colleague X. I think she is very much a woman in a man's world and flirts to get what she wants etc. However, my husband falling for this and running around after her etc, I find frankly cringe worthy.

I knew I needed to build a new life for myself and said he was full time parent, i'd be disney mum. I didn't worry about the kids as he is a loving father and would do everything for the kids.

I was gone for two weeks. He took that time off work and said he couldn't believe he'd left me alone to cope with everything and he wanted to make changes etc. For the first time in his life he'd felt the sheer relentless monotony of washing, cleaning, feeding children etc. He said he wanted to get back for the right reasons as we deserved to be a family again. He said if I didn't want that, he could get an au pair etc.

He always denied he had a crush. He said he accepted that maybe he'd been slightly inappropriate by responding to flirty emails as he was married etc and he understood it was disrespectful.

I agreed to come back, but only if he was completely open about passwords etc so that I could build trust up again.

A few months into our new start I found out he’d lied about a trip he was on. He told me colleague X wasn’t going to be there. Turns out he’d actually done her booking for her and was staying for 3 nights at the same hotel. They had meals near the hotel at the end of each working day.

He says he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want me overreacting to something he couldn’t change. His job does involve staying away with various members of the team. They were both working at the same event, and couldn’t eat separately.

I can understand this, however him booking her into a hotel was far too considerate and treating her like a princess – let her book her own bloody rooms. He said yes in future he would do that etc. Anyway that blew my trust away when I saw receipts etc that he’d been eating out with her and booking her into same hotel whilst saying just ran into her occasionally at the event. We spoke about it and he agreed to just say if she was going to be somewhere with him rather than "avoid me reacting" etc. I was very much swayed by his calm reaction and wanting to reassure me. I knew if he had something to hide he typically "storms off" etc.

The affair he'd had 14 years ago was now very much in my mind and I felt waves of insecurity etc. I'd question him where he's been etc and sometimes felt ill from worry. Gradually the trust started to return.
Sometimes hotels are booked by the travel department, but he says he prefers to do it himself as he can check for gym facilities etc. and in the past he would have used laterooms.

Cut to last week, the transparency we spoke about last year seems to have slightly disappeared at some stage. I was thinking things were ok but last week he was away overnight. I've had access to his account on laterooms, but hadn't logged on for about six months as things seemed ok for us.

I tried to log in to laterooms, but he’d changed his password. I mentioned this to him and he said he doesn't really use laterooms much any more and offered a suggestion as his password for laterooms, but it didn't work either.

Being able to know I could log into laterooms to see where he was staying, was part of me building up trust again.

I then realised he wasn’t having his work credit card statements sent to our home address anymore. I asked him and he said he didn’t really use laterooms anymore, didn't know about the credit cards.

He's been bit evasive and I haven't directly asked for new passwords etc. as I know what he's going to say. He feels like he's being checked up on etc. I'm very much if you've got nothing to hide, there's nothing to hide etc. Massive row yesterday.

I can't live without openness etc about where he is (based on previous infidelity). He says that was years ago and he's proved himself since then etc.

What do you think? In my position would you want access to hotel details? Or am I being unreasonable?

CookieDoughKid Mon 20-Jan-14 21:57:08

He won't explain his credit card statements.
He won't show them to you.
He won't give you passwords.
He's over-reacting.
He's hiding something.

Sorry but I would go mental and would not back down or be at ease until he provides me all that I'm asking.

He should be trying to outprove you that's he's on the straight & narrow. Not the other way round.

FluffyJumper Mon 20-Jan-14 21:58:03

Have you thought you might be flogging a dead horse?

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 22:06:29

I work away a lot. My ex never even knew which country half the time! We weren't getting on, no closeness - current boyfriend would know just from chit chat - but not the hotel name. Now we all have mobiles, it's irrelevant really.

This struck me though, in your OP: "Being able to log in to laterooms was part of building up trust again".

I'd say that checking rooms isn't part of building trust - it's part of the shit effect of fidelity that you lead a crappy life you don't want, checking up, "forcing" honesty. Where trust is rebuilt, you don't need to check hotels. My ex cheated on me loads (not work, prostitutes) so I do understand that crazy checking, and how awful it is.

Look, I think a man gives you reason to trust again not by giving passwords but by being scrupulously honest, always. You wouldn't need to be checking hotel names if you could trust him to say "I know this will be hard for you, but in staying at the same hotel as X. I want you to know I'll avoid her as much as I can, and call you every evening". (better still, book a different hotel, but as a work traveller I know that's hard)

Rebuilding trust is something HE has to do, not you.
Honesty, you sound so sad - and I think you'd be happier calling it a day. You don't HAVE to forgive him. You simply may not be able to trust him again. Too often women seem to come across as thinking that's a failing on their part. It isn't - he broke this, not you.

I'm sorry x

something2say Mon 20-Jan-14 22:10:29

Old zebra it think my partner would not behave like that with other women, not because he thinks it is wrong, but because he loves me and isn't interested in other women. You can check up on your husband as much as you like but what your long long op smacks of is that he doesn't love you. I think that isn't good enough for you. Fuck him off, lose the weight and being again, your children are older, get back out there and have an absolute whale of a time. This man is a complete waste of your life and beauty my dear, seriously. You can have a much better time than this, and you deserve one x

something2say Mon 20-Jan-14 22:11:37

Lovely post cabrinha x

LadyLapsang Mon 20-Jan-14 22:14:15

Sometimes I'm even a bit hazy on the country, but no news is good news, if he misses a flight he'll soon be on the phone! He has stayed in apartments for a few months and I don't have the address but he has no history of being unfaithful. He's away tonight and I know what city he is in and the travel details and type of accommodation but not the details. (I know the details now - he's just rung.)

OP, I thought it was a bit strange in your original post that you mentioned he had booked the hotel for a colleague. I travel too and we normally book our own accommodation through a booking agent or occasionally a junior colleague / PA will arrange a big booking for a conference etc. but we wouldn't normally book for a colleague although we would make sure we were in the same hotel with anyone we needed to work with or wanted to socilalise with.

MeganBacon Mon 20-Jan-14 22:15:22

I don't think you are overreacting. I think he sounds like a person who is only ever reluctantly faithful. That's not a reflection on you or even your relationship, and the tragedy of posts such yours is that women are made to feel that it's all down to them. It's not. It's just the make up of his character that he feels he can check out of his commitments, and fundamentally that is unlikely to change except possibly with encroaching old age. Until then, he may make effort for a while, but it would always require effort because reluctant fidelity is his default position. You deserve way better than this and I really hope you inch your way, one step at a time, bravely towards that outcome.
My DH and I both travel for business and don't really bother telling each other which hotel, fwiw, but if I asked I'd get the full low down.

MeganBacon Mon 20-Jan-14 22:17:13

Sorry that sounded a bit harsh. Just want to say I have been where you are and it made me an utterly miserable human being for many years. So I do sympathise.

ITCouldBeWorse Mon 20-Jan-14 22:17:33

If either of us travels we leave precise details of where we can be contacted in case of emergency - accident illness etc. mobiles alone are not infallible where dh travels. If he holiday, we leave contact details with my sister - just good practice surely?

So, yes I think he is up to no good.

I also think your depression and misery would be alleviated if you were to separate.

He does not sound like a caring, interesting, thoughtful, respectful man.

WhereMyMilk Mon 20-Jan-14 22:24:08

DH always leaves full details of flights and hotels TBH-I hardly ever look, just will note country for time difference!

He gives me the details in case I can't get hold of him on his mobile-if reception is shit for example and need to get him in an emergency.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 22:25:02

I don't think it's helpful to get into whether it's normal to book for a colleague or not. We just don't know in his case. As it happens, in my team of 9, we often do - within particular friendship groups -we've worked together a long time. It's only relevant if the OP's husband doesn't usually do it, but does for one person.

But this is what I think is important: this having to post on the internet to ask what's normal... THAT'S the shit infidelity leaves you with. It grinds you down so much more than you realise, until you no longer care and stop doing it. I didn't know the weight that was on my shoulders until it lifted.

If you still feel like you need to ask these questions, then he hasn't done what he needs to.

sebsmummy1 Mon 20-Jan-14 22:25:36

I have absolutely no idea where my OH stays and half the time even which country he is in when he is travelling, but I trust him implicitly and that's the key difference here.

In your situation I don't think I would trust your husband either, he seems very slippery about details. I'm not sure I would expect to have open access to all accounts and passwords, however him no longer getting the credit card statements sent to his home address is very fishy. Unless he has just gone paperless.

Tinks42 Mon 20-Jan-14 22:25:58

He wonders why you are upset about a "couple of flirty emails" I haven't been through anything you have but I can say with certainty I would be furious about a them, and yes I'd be hauling him over hot coals. I would also think he was cheating.

Sorry also x

uggmum Mon 20-Jan-14 22:28:17

My dh works away from home. He's worked away for years and most of the time I don't know where he is staying.

However, about 18 mths ago he was travelling back home and had a serious car accident. Hit head on at high speed by a drunk driver. I was at work at the time and assumed he was home already when I got a call from the police. It was a massive shock.

This has had an impact on me and these days I like to know where he is staying. So me usually texts me the name of the hotel. He also keeps in touch with me during the day/evening. We will text/call eachother during the course of the day.

As a previous poster suggested he has loyalty cards for the major chains and earns points with his stays. This means that we can stay for free whenever we want a weekend away.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 22:31:11

Also OP, I'm sorry this is harsh but...
That business of him dealing alone with kids for 2 weeks and realising the monotony and therefore appreciating you?
Utter bullshit.
He realised he didn't want to do it. Not quite the same thing as appreciating you.
He said he didn't see a future in your relationship. Why would a bit of washing up change that?

stickysausages Mon 20-Jan-14 22:33:01

As above, don't have details as don't need to know. He's at the end of a mobile, although he usually tells me afterwards where it was, in conversation as in it was nice, or that we should go sometime, or like last time that he was freezing & practically slept in his clothes!

OddFodd Mon 20-Jan-14 22:39:17

But it wasn't 14 years' ago. It was last year that he was flirting with X and that he told you he'd checked out of the marriage. You came back because he wanted life to carry on as before.

Apart from that, what's changed? He's seeing X. Whether it's a physical affair or not is kind of irrelevant. You're back to being the housekeeper and nanny.

And his lines about booking hotels himself because he can check details or that he has to eat with colleagues are rubbish, sorry. I've travelled a lot with work and ALL big corporate hotels have gyms. And I hate eating with colleagues so unless client entertaining is involved, I have room service (I don't like to eat out alone).

feelingvunerable Mon 20-Jan-14 22:50:14

I'm sorry but I think the truth is staring you in the face.

Your dh is capable of shagging another woman and not caring too much about how this affects you or his family.

How do you know that it was just "flirty texts" this is what my ex told me, the trith was somewhat different.

He has only admitted to that much because that is all you have concrete evidence for.

He asked you to come back because he doesn't want to do his own domestic chores. Sorry that is harsh but true. Who the fuck is he trying to kid that an au pair would do as much as you do-seriously?

He wants to have his cake and eat it.

He is hiding receipts and covering his tracks because he is lying to you.

The 2 choices you have are:

Suck it up and accept this second class life of constant lies, fear and deceipt, or

Leave/tell him to leave and rebuild your new life where eventually you will feel happier.

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Really it is insignificant what others do, think about your own happiness from now on.

oldzebra Mon 20-Jan-14 22:55:48

Thanks everyone for your comments. Yes I feel very sad. Sometimes I see him as someone I can love and take a risk of jumping fully in, but also sometimes I see he's an immature, selfish dick.

Diagonally Mon 20-Jan-14 22:56:44

I quite agree, in those two weeks he saw his future life flash before his eyes and realized he'd be mad to walk out on you. Where would he find someone else willing to cater to all his domestic needs while he swans around having dinner and sharing hotels with "crushes" 18 years his junior?

He's taking the absolute p***.

shey02 Mon 20-Jan-14 23:14:52

Agreed. And btw you are being more than reasonable and are bending over backwards to accomodate him emotionally... At the absolute least owes you complete transparency given the ordeal that he has put you through.

I've been in your situation, I was scared to leave, scared to stay. In the end I did what frightened me the most because the end product was the unknown, a slight chance that I'd be happier.... So I left and I was, after a remarkably short time, happier. No regrets about that, only that I wish I'd done it sooner.

Sorry about what you're going through. Hugs

Tonandfeather Tue 21-Jan-14 00:21:22

I'd say your husband has done a cost-benefit analysis.

Stay married, keep assets, extra shags paid for by the corporation's hotel/expense policy, being able to say "I'm married and I can't leave the children" versus paying for an au pair, losing over 50% of assets, paying divorce and lawyer costs and having to be honest with the latest woman.

It looks like he's at it again, so cut your losses because this one ain't never going to change.

My DH always tells me the name of his hotel, but that is partly because the nature of his work often means that there is very limited mobile phone reception so I would have to call the hotel if I needed to contact him.

When I was travelling, I always told him where I was going to be. And I would eat with male colleagues if there was someone around to break up the monotony. But DH always knew that, because all my colleagues were male.

I think your DH needs to take your concerns more seriously. At the moment he is taking you for granted, patronising you and minimising your (reasonable given his history) concerns. He seems to think that you will not leave.

Joysmum Tue 21-Jan-14 09:50:58

My hubby works away a lot. I had been cheated on in a previous relationship and scared it'd happen again, although didn't believe anything had happened.

Then hubby thought it'd be better for me and him to omit to tell me have was staying away with a female colleague and I only found out when he answered the phone when in hands free and I could hear her. That played to all my fears, I went fucking nuts, he came home. I believed his reasons for doing it but my fears tore me up. I explained that I can't abide liars, if he lies (by omittence) then being lied to hurts me more than my fears that lead me to imagine infidelity ever could and I need transparency, no matter how much he thinks otherwise. Despite this, he omitted to tell me again and admitted he never would have if I hadn't found out. I went fucking mad, asked him to imagine how he'd feel if I'd kept something like that from him, despite him never having been cheated on and me never having given him cause to doubt like he had once before. Point made, we've never had an issue since.

That was years ago, he now fully realises how wrong he was given how much more relaxed and confident I am now he's fully transparent.

I don't get given hotel details, don't ask for them but if I needed to ask there'd be no issue. Having details if hotels won't tell you anything about possible fidelity issues anyway.

Now, things are much better for me. Of course I still fear he'll cheat or that he will suddenly decide I'm not his true love, difference is that it is just a fear and not fed by lies by omittence. To me, it's the same as my reoccurring nightmare I have about my daughter drowning. Both are based on fears founded from previous experience (I nearly drowned as a child) but neither are increasing likely given the situation today.

In short, both hubby and I fully accept and acknowledge my fears but ensure that we manage life to ensure that those fears aren't fed. If you break your finger hitting it with a hammer when knocking a nail in, you'll always be wary, that'll never leave you and will feature in your thoughts till the day you die. Same thing goes where you've had a partner be unfaithful in the past, more so if it's your current partner. Both of you need to fully understand and appreciate this will always be so.

MissScatterbrain Tue 21-Jan-14 10:54:12

Its sounds like things were swept under the carpet 14 years ago and he never really addressed what made him after the affair and as a result he is still behaving like a selfish entitled dick.

I agree with the poster who says that its not surprising you have depression - it must be a real headfuck having to eat a shit sandwich and put up with his behaviour.

I am sure that he is a serial cheater -after all he knows he got away with it before.

The fact that there isn't total transparency, that he still lies and sends flirty texts/emails etc show he has NOT learned his lesson, that he does NOT give a shit about his marriage or you. He has NO respect for you at all and sees you as the skivvy raising his kids and keeping his home.

Get rid. You are worth much more that this.

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