Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Please can you either put my mind at ease, or tell me if I should be worrying??

(39 Posts)
AlwaysOverthinkingAgain Mon 20-Jan-14 14:59:56

Have name changed to protect the (not so) innocent!!

Background info,
Been with my boyfriend nearly a year, and we are really happy. We don't live together.

He lives in a bit of a bachelor type pad in the middle of town. Because of this, when we go out in big groups people that live further out are always told they can stay over at the end of the night if need be, either on floor or sofas. Just a place to crash really.

Month or so ago, I was out with my friends, and he was out with work colleagues. We were texting a bit through the evening and he text me to say he was on his way home, and had "J" with him as she was too drunk to get across town alone, on buses etc. he said he would text when he was in (always has done without fail). "J" is a girl, I have met several times, she often gets pretty drunk and crashes at my BF or someone elses place as its safer than letting her travel a long way home alone.

Anyway, he never text to say he got home. I just presumed he'd crashed out drunk. Absolutely no problem at all in my opinion.

The next day we were out for dinner alone. I ribbed him a bit for not texting to say he was in.....I did it purely in jest, expecting him to say something like "god, I was hammered, just fell straight to sleep". But instead, he lied (pretty obviously) and said his battery died. When I pointed out he does own a charger....he stammered a bit and said he was just too drunk and fell asleep. I asked why his immediate reaction was to lie, he said he panicked and thought I'd be mad. I told him to not be ridiculous, I wouldn't be mad about that, but basically don't fucking lie!!

Anyway, last night, there was a bit of lovey dovey pillow chat.....and he said he had to get something off his chest, and that "J" had come onto him, and that was why he went to lie, he just panicked and thought I'd jump to conclusions. Apparently he told her no....set her up with a duvet on the sofa and went to bed.

He said its been eating at him that he wasn't 100% truthful, doesn't want anyone but me, and that totally nothing happened.

I checked his messages from her....she says thanks for letting me stay, I've just got home, he said no worries, glad you got home okay....and then she says "yep, sorry I was pretty horrendous". Apparently she left when he was still in bed.

I'm pretty sure I believe him, teeny bit uneasy though.

Does it sound legit?

Hedgehead Mon 20-Jan-14 15:04:31

It sounds legit to me. Especially considering those texts. And she sounds embarrassed.

A post coital text doesn't go: "Sorry I was pretty horrendous."

I would suggest that you ask your BF not to let her stay over in future though, right?

And be aware that she doesn't have your back!

It sounds legit to me.

x-post w Hh

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 15:12:53

I'd want a boyfriend who was a bit more grown up really - drunk himself, friends who are incapable of getting themselves home...

His default was to lie, which isn't good.

I would want to see a text reply from him to her saying "all forgiven for being horrendous, don't worry. But just to be clear - I'm uncomfortable with you coming on to me, and it is best if you don't stay at my place after a session, to avoid any misunderstandings. I'll always see you into a taxi".

This woman cannot be trusted. And even if he CAN, he shouldn't put himself in that situation, especially when drunk himself.

AlwaysOverthinkingAgain Mon 20-Jan-14 15:26:51

Thanks for your replies. Much appreciated.

I'm well aware she doesn't have my back.....the first time I met her I kind of got the impression that she wasn't one that values sister hood if I'm honest.

I will have to see her again in social circumstances.....I will be polite and smile. There is no way I would want her to think that I think she is a threat, IYSWIM.

I won't be "telling" him not to let her stay over again. He is a grown up, and I am certainly not one that will "protect" him from cheating by setting rules up. However, I do think the honourable thing would be to not allow her to stay again when I'm not there, just out of respect for me. I will ask him what he would do if the situation came up again.

Thanks for posting ladies....wink

AlwaysOverthinkingAgain Mon 20-Jan-14 15:33:34

Cabrinha- I probably should of put in my OP that we are both early 20s, I have a child, he doesn't.

I don't really see getting drunk as immaturity when you're 23. He is young, a professional, living in the city....I don't think he is wrong to be out enjoying life at the weekend. The biggest reason for people staying over is distance from where they work and go out. Taxis would be insanely expensive, and its nice not to have a 2 hour bus journey home after a night out.

But, I do agree that he could of text back explain nothing will happen, and he is happy where he is, or something. I guess he just thought that by not texting back he wasn't engaging anything. Men, eh??

Jan45 Mon 20-Jan-14 15:38:01

After what happened he's justified in telling her she can't stay at his anymore, I'd expect that as a minimum.

Tbh, they all sound a bit flaky, all that plastered they can't even get themselves home. I certainly wouldn't feel easy about my drunk boyfriend having a female staying overnight who was also mortal - recipe for disaster.

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld Mon 20-Jan-14 15:38:05

I wouldn't worry too much. He refused, that's the bit you should focus on. Everyone has friends that their partners aren't keen on, and we all do stupid stuff when we're drunk. She was clearly very embarrassed, so I doubt it would happen again.

Fudgeface123 Mon 20-Jan-14 15:42:35

Don't really get why he wouldn't text you though if he did nothing?

DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld Mon 20-Jan-14 15:47:29

Possibly he was very drunk and fell asleep, like he said? Simplest explanation is often the right one.

Abbykins1 Mon 20-Jan-14 15:47:52

Legit.

AlwaysOverthinkingAgain Mon 20-Jan-14 15:54:52

I hate it when OPs ask for advice and the moan about the responses....I think it's really rude.
However people saying he and his friends (and myself included I guess, as I socialise with them regularly) are somehow "flakey" or immature.

I have explained that its mainly a distance thing and that's why people stay over, or we stay at other people's etc.

BF had a very professional, and serious job, that no one could ever describe as flakey or immature. All the people we socialise with do the same job, maybe in a slightly different area. Going out and eating and drinking and being social and enjoying life is nothing to be concerned about, as long as everyone is enjoying themselves and not doing anything ASBO-ish or illegal.

Thanks again for everyone that had given me balanced views regarding the concerns I have/had. Again, I appreciate it.

JustSpeakSense Mon 20-Jan-14 15:56:41

Sounds legit. I'd also encourage him not to have her over alone again (without having to tell him not to, of course)....and beware of this 'J', she'll try her luck again (her type always do!)

GarlicReturns Mon 20-Jan-14 15:59:40

Yep, I believe him smile

I recommend showing your appreciation that he told you about it, having a bit of a bitchfest with him about this girl's inability to manage her booze or her manners, and re-doing the thing about trust & not lying.

I assume he didn't text you because he was busy figuring out how to get his drunk guest off him without hurting her!

Jan45 Mon 20-Jan-14 17:23:01

I wasn't referring to his job, I was referring to the state they all seem to get themselves into, I have a 28 year old daughter and she drinks regularly but nothing like you describe. You said yourself J often gets pretty drunk, you also don't sound convinced nothing actually took place. In short, I wouldn't be happy if any female who was pretty drunk often was staying with my boyfriend overnight.

If you don't like answers, don't post, not everyone will have your view but at least we are taking the time to give you our opinion, your last post smacks of indignation.

GarlicReturns Mon 20-Jan-14 17:26:47

I have a 28 year old daughter ...

OP says they're 23. That's only just finishing uni for many.

Oh FFS everyone lighten up! At 23 I was lighting up the town too with all my friends, young professionals with money to burn and lots of fun nights. It's what being in your early 20's is all about.

OP I think it all sounds quite legit, but keep your eye on that J. She's a slippery one.

Jan45 Mon 20-Jan-14 17:29:45

Yeah I was drunk plenty of times in my 20s but I didn't spend the night with someone else's boyfriend when mortal.

AlwaysOverthinkingAgain Mon 20-Jan-14 17:41:18

Jan- I'm sorry I felt I had to say what I said. But I do see it a lot on here. An OP asks a question, or some advice and another poster(s), find a different thing to put the mockers on the relationship.

I don't have an issue with him having people (drunk or not) to stay.

I don't have a problem with his behaviour in general.

I don't think woman should protect their BF/DP/DH from situations where cheating may occur. No one is drunk enough to not consent. Or rather, if they are, then it would be classed as rape surely.

I was almost sure he was telling the truth, just wanted to check I wasn't missing a huge red flag or something. Other posters have backed me up saying all seems legit. I'm now happy with his version of events and happy for the support and opinions other posters gave me. Genuinely.

What I didn't ask for was what your opinions were on his drinking and socialising habits.

selfdestructivelady Mon 20-Jan-14 17:52:19

I think he sounds legit but I don't think j should stay again.

GarlicReturns Mon 20-Jan-14 17:53:40

poster(s), find a different thing to put the mockers on the relationship

Do you think the Relationships board is full of people bent on ruining other people's lives? WTF?!

Quite often, someone might post a query similar to your own, and respondents will ask a few more questions. Quite often, it turns out the man's enjoying a very active social life, while the OP never goes out and is expected to entertain his pissed-up mates in the middle of the night. She may have posted about her 'insecurity', but she'll be told her partner is abusing her. Because he is.

You will have noticed that most on your thread have defended your boyfriend's behaviour as appropriate for a 23-year-old with his own place. Context is everything. It's a little bit stupid of you not to get that.

scornedwoman67 Mon 20-Jan-14 18:02:54

OP - I'm in my forties now but worked in the City in my younger days and understand exactly what your BF & his pals do & get up to - it is nothing unusual. I really wouldn't worry - he had a heart-to heart, the texts back up what he is saying. I would just agree that it isn't appropriate for this particular 'friend' to stay over again. He sounds like a well-rounded bloke to me & whilst he shouldn't have lied initially, he has explained what happened. I really wouldn't worry.

AlwaysOverthinkingAgain Mon 20-Jan-14 18:03:46

Garlic- I totally get that. And have continually thanked the people that have commented and helped put my mind at ease. You being one of them. My reply was more for Jan TBH.

Nobody had asked me any questions about the differences in social life or any similar questions, which, if they were asked in order to help give a balanced view and an insight into insecurities, I would of happily answered.

All I got was one person saying that she'd rather her boyfriend was more grown up (in terms of drinking, not the lying about the text message) and another saying they all sounded "flakey".

I didn't have an issue with anything or anybody else.

GarlicReturns Mon 20-Jan-14 18:05:10

smile Thanks for replying.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now