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Help me settle a argument?(49 Posts)
My partner and I have been together 8 years, one DS 31 weeks pg. We have had many money issues in the past, but finally we have pulled ourselves out of the shit and are a bit more sorted.
We have always had crappy cars, there has been a couple of points where we have had to have 2 crappy cars for work purposes but the past 2 years or so have managed with just one, a 13 year old heap!
I have been doing some internet work (nothing dodgy!) in order to pay back my mum 12 k from a business my mum and I started, but we never made a profit for 2 years (hence many of the money issues in the past) and decided to pack it in, this was half her redundancy money and I vowed to pay it back, a month ago I finally did it. She decided that she didnt need the money for a couple of months and we could borrow 3k to get a decent car, I planned to carry on with the internet work, to pay it back. The main issue with having just the one car being having to get both me and DS out of bed at 6am to take partner to work and pick him up, it was making me shattered, and was only going to get worse with a new born in 9 weeks, therefore a second car would be used for family use and the old banger for partner to get to work and back.
Now we both earn around the same amount and have always shared our money, however I kind of see this new car as mine, I worked to pay for it, and will continue to do so, wouldn't have been able to do but it without my mum, partner sees it as ours, says that as we share money bills etc that it is "our" car. Its only been a week since we have had it and has caused many arguments already, he wont even get in it if I am going to drive it, he insists on driving it everywhere, and he has kicked off twice today as I asked him to take the old one to work, he says that our relationship is not equal, that I dictate who should drive the car etc etc. It all sounds to petty written down, but its causing me some stress (and tears!) and I am tempted to just sell the bloody thing but its been the nicest thing I/we have had for years. Sorry its long, am I being unreasonable here?
It was previously an issue that you got to use the car whilst he got chauffeured to and from work by you?!!!
My YABU-ometer just swung massively his way.
I think it's your car OP. Since you share finances etc - I would settle on 'family car' and 'old banger'. Children go in the new car. Whoever is driving the children has the new safer car.
I do think he's got a bit of a cheek taking the new car - when you were the one who arranged the funding, and did/are doing extra work to pay it off - leaving you and the dc with the banger.
Ok so i was all I am the one being all unreasonable and ready for a compromise, now the last 2 replies have left me all confused. Am trying not to drip feed and also trying to be succinct. Yes he hated being driven around, and hated the fact that we couldnt "find" the money for a 2nd car so he had a bit more freedom, to be fair to him we live on the outskirts of town and if I took the car, as I said I am here there and everywhere (I work part time as well as doing the extra stuff) he was stuck in the house when not working, no bus routes or anything, it was a disagreement that reared its ugly head as I he saw it that I also saw the old car as mine. The issues stem from, ill keep this short as poss, I was nearly always the breadwinner, the house is in my name as I was the only one with a stable job, bar the business, I control the finances and only in the last few years has got his head down and kept hold of a job, he was more of a cocklodger before that, that is all the past but I think he thinks I dont see him as equal, and that what i want/say goes.
He's got a point. Wouldn't you feel that way if the boot was on the other foot?
So, how are you going to address his concerns and make him feel more valued, more equal?
Long ago I was the only driver, and before H lost his job I would load DS in carrycot into the car morning and night, and drive 16 mile round trip to ferry H to and from work.
When we finally got 2 cars, one was "mine" the other "his" - in terms of Keeper, main driver and insurance. I had fully comp on mine, he would drive mine sometimes as need arose. But he wouldn't put me on his or let me drive it (not that I really wanted to, but could have been useful) - at first because I had had a recent claim, but then just because he was an arse.
He was also a cocklodger. He is now my Ex. I hope yours has changed. Mine got worse.
I'm surprised you got the replies you did, actually, OP.
You arranged the new car, worked extra to pay it off - you should at least have first dibs on it's use.
It sounds like it's more appropriate for you to be the main user of the new car. However...
If it was the bloke in a relationship saying "I paid for it so even though we share finances it's actually mine not ours" or "I still control the finances and the house because you used to be crap with money even though you're not any more" we'd probably be outraged. Given that, I'm not surprised he's got the hump on this even if he is behaving like a child now.
Just a thought. You might want to examine your attitude to finances in your relationship (both of you) as it sounds like you might be stuck in the mindset of old when actually things have moved on and are a bit more equal now.
We have shared our finances for many years but we have separate cars & always have had. Your DM has lent you the money for the car, you are going to work to pay it off, you need a car to transport your DC around, I think your DP is being totally unreasonable.
oh dear, men can be verrrrrrrrrry funny about breadwinning. My mum had it with her partner: she earnt more because his business was small and shite, and had a big flash car that SHE paid for entirely (NOT joint finances) and he had an older but still perfectly good car. Mysteriously the newer car always seemed to be in his posession though, and when she couldn't afford it anymore and wanted to sell it, he freaked out and became an absolute SHIT for a while before she bollocked him because this was ridiculous about a CAR.
He only calmed down when he got himself a better job and started seeing himself as the breadwinner again (tho mum still earns more).
This is how it works in my house.
Money is shared so there isn't a 'my' car or 'his' car.
However we both need one and one is 'DH car' as he always uses it to go to work and he choosed it to his taste.
One is 'my car' as I always use it to go to work etc... and I choose it to my taste.
We needed one small car and one 'family' car so we choose the rough type of car in accordance iyswim. And I happen to have the 'family' car as I am usually the one with the dcs.
It would annoy me if DH said that it's 'his' car because he paid for it (and I didn't as I stayed at home for the dcs...).
I am getting the feeling that your DH would much prefer to go to work with the newer one as it 'looks better' than the old 13yo car and he is resentful that you always have 'the better deal' ie you had the old car for yourself and he had to be driven around. Now you have the new car and he is getting the old one etc...
I may be way off here, but going on your posts, it reads like although you talk about shared money and being equal and it's all ours, etc, it's really more lip service than anything because somewhere deep inside, maybe unacknowledged, is some simmering resentment for him having contributed less than you, historically. And you really don't see everything as yours jointly, you feel its all come from you but you have to say otherwise.
If you share money then surely it belongs to both of you? I think however from a safety point of view the person who is driving children around should be using it. That would be you. Obviously when using it as a family either of you can drive it...
He may be your partner and you may share money, but you are not married, and you made the effort to buy it, so it is yours if you want it to be. It is presumably in your name, and the insurance with you as the main driver, so you should be using it.
That he doesn't want to be in it if you drive it and wants to drive it all the time, reminded me of my ex. In a bad way. And more so in your last post. Watch out.
It depends upon the manner in which you announced it was going to be your car, maybe that's why he has taken offence. And I doubt you would like it if the shoe was on the other foot.
This IMO is not an issue to get upset over. I would take your statement back and tell him you don't know what got into you. Then just get on with life. Yous have something. And that's worth something.
I dont really see things as mine and his, but the work I have been doing to pay for it is time consuming and totally separate to our household finances, therefore it is not our money
This is where is doesn't sound right to me.
Because you have been doing extra work, that somehow isn't part of the household income?
I don't get it.
I understand it may make sense for you to use the new car more, but I think your "ownership" of it is the cause of the problem.
The way I see it is that the OP has put extra effort so that she, and the children, could have a safer better car for them to use.
Now, her OH is taking advantage of that effort (and the loan by the mother) to use the car almost exclusively.
It's as if the OP made a particularly nice meal because she wanted to eat it and the OH came and ate it all.
If he wants a good car, why can't he go and earn the extra money, or make a special effort to save so that he can have a better car too?
I'd be really pissed off in your place, OP.
I'd hide the keys.
Or sleep with them around my neck.
"...She decided that she didnt need the money for a couple of months and WE could borrow 3k to get a decent car..."
Its interesting that "WE" borrowed the money, but you think of the car as yours alone. Is this just unfortunate wording, or does it reveal something about where your mind is really at?
Actually, it looks like the partner is taking over the family car, selfishly, for himself. Yet, accusing the OP of doing it.
Is it wrong to sidestep the topic and ask what job you are doing cos I really need a home based computer job!!
I wondered that Handsoff
Maybe it's just us but our baby car seat is really heavy. I also keep stuff in the car like shopping bags and the baby buggy so it would be a huge pain for me to switch over all the time with a newborn.
My husband drives us around at the weekend and that seems to keep him happy.
I think once the baby has arrived he will need to change his way of thinking.
In a house with shared finances you can't really regard your work as being in order to pay off your M for the car, money should be seen as a pool from which outgoings are taken regardless of what they are for.
If you worked for 2 years without making any money, he might be putting that into the equation he's doing when working out entitlement.
That said, 6 miles down a dual carriageway at 6 am, which isn't exactly the busiest time of day, is right in bike-it-in-all-weather territory. And no cycle lane - it describes exactly the trip I used to do when money was tight. Tell him to get pedaling for the good of the family finances and get rid of the old banger.
A thought: who is going to doing things like check oil and tyres?
Our money was shared, the cars were bought from our shared money, yet somehow it seemed natural to designate one as "mine" and one as "his" (partly because I like driving a small car, he likes a slightly bigger one).
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