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Help me settle a argument?

(49 Posts)
rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 14:30:25

My partner and I have been together 8 years, one DS 31 weeks pg. We have had many money issues in the past, but finally we have pulled ourselves out of the shit and are a bit more sorted.

We have always had crappy cars, there has been a couple of points where we have had to have 2 crappy cars for work purposes but the past 2 years or so have managed with just one, a 13 year old heap!

I have been doing some internet work (nothing dodgy!) in order to pay back my mum 12 k from a business my mum and I started, but we never made a profit for 2 years (hence many of the money issues in the past) and decided to pack it in, this was half her redundancy money and I vowed to pay it back, a month ago I finally did it. She decided that she didnt need the money for a couple of months and we could borrow 3k to get a decent car, I planned to carry on with the internet work, to pay it back. The main issue with having just the one car being having to get both me and DS out of bed at 6am to take partner to work and pick him up, it was making me shattered, and was only going to get worse with a new born in 9 weeks, therefore a second car would be used for family use and the old banger for partner to get to work and back.

Now we both earn around the same amount and have always shared our money, however I kind of see this new car as mine, I worked to pay for it, and will continue to do so, wouldn't have been able to do but it without my mum, partner sees it as ours, says that as we share money bills etc that it is "our" car. Its only been a week since we have had it and has caused many arguments already, he wont even get in it if I am going to drive it, he insists on driving it everywhere, and he has kicked off twice today as I asked him to take the old one to work, he says that our relationship is not equal, that I dictate who should drive the car etc etc. It all sounds to petty written down, but its causing me some stress (and tears!) and I am tempted to just sell the bloody thing but its been the nicest thing I/we have had for years. Sorry its long, am I being unreasonable here?

Juno77 Mon 20-Jan-14 14:32:48

Sorry OP, but YABU.

It is a shared car. It's not your car.

Why won't you let him take it to work? Why not do alternate days with the nice new car?

LeafyGreen13 Mon 20-Jan-14 14:37:55

Alternate? But then you have to move the car seats over every day. What a huge hassle!

I think he's being childish.

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 14:41:27

Its not that I wont let him take it to work, just the newer car is safer with me being PG and having to drive DS about, he only goes 10 mins down the road to work and back, whereas I am here there and everywhere.

Juno77 Mon 20-Jan-14 14:41:40

Really? A huge hassle?

We have one car seat. It is literally no hassle to swap it into each others cars/grandparents cars/babysitters cars etc.

Takes 2 minutes!

Juno77 Mon 20-Jan-14 14:42:15

If it is a safety issue, then make sure he knows that and tell him you feel safer in the new car.

If he doesn't care after that, he is a knob.

QualityJanitor Mon 20-Jan-14 14:42:48

If his work is only 10 minutes' drive away, why the hell can't he walk or ride a bike? Then you could cope with just one car.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 14:45:20

You're definitely unreasonable to think of it as yours. Not if you've always merged finances. Would you like him saying "put that mug back in the cupboard honey, that's one I bought"?!

I'd have a big issue with my partner insisting that he always drove though... did that happen when you had just one car? Is it because you're pregnant?

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 14:45:34

Its ten mins away but down a dual carriage way so probably about 6 miles, no cycle route unfortunately. Thanks for the replies so far.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 14:45:55

Also - work is a 10 minute drive and you've been getting up at 06:00?!!! Bike?!

HauntedNoddyCar Mon 20-Jan-14 14:47:59

Somebody's name has to go on the paperwork and insurance!

It makes more sense for pg wife and dc to have safer car rather than it being parked at his workplace. Why does he drive to work?

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi Mon 20-Jan-14 14:48:01

YABU massively unreasonable to see the car as yours. Do you view everything paid for by your DP as only his?

The car should be used by whoever needs it most in the best way to benefit everybody

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 14:50:56

I'm curious about the safety thing. Is that just an excuse cos you want the newer car? How much of an old banger is the other one? For £3K you could get two 10 year old Ford Focuses - I choose that as it's what I drive, and I believe it has a good safety rating and airbags. If the other car isn't safe enough, neither of you should drive it. You'd have been better off using part of the money on a new car, and part on another - perhaps after saving up a bit longer.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 14:53:30

He's being totally unreasonable with the refusing to get in if you are driving it though.
I'm interested in whether he's digging his heels in because you've been insisting it's yours... or whether he's always a knob.

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 14:55:25

So the safety issue is not the biggest issue, the new one has side airbags and feels safer, but obviously i have been driving the old one (13 year old micra) about without issue previously, it was just kind of roughly agreed that he would use the old one as he only goes down the road and back in it, and the newer one would be a family car. I dont really see things as mine and his, but the work I have been doing to pay for it is time consuming and totally separate to our household finances, therefore it is not our money but I guess its my mums as it was to pay her back, maybe I am being a bit unreasonable and need to reach a compromise.

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 14:56:25

Cabrinha, a bit of both me thinks!

Seems sensible to me that he has older car for work and you have the newer one for your work-from-home-with-LOs.

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 15:05:12

My ex and I had separate cars, very much each our own. His far nicer, so tended to get used for joint trips if long trips. In which case, he'd tend to start driving and I'd take over for a break. Short trips where there'd be alcohol, we generally took my car as I'm not a drinker. So there was a bit of a default that we each drive own car, and took whichever car matched the driver. Mine would get used for the tip trips as older - so again, I'd default grab the keys.

I do think you really need to get past the "my car" thing, when everything is joint. I'd probably even apologise to him for that - difficult to say, as can't tell who has been unreasonable most ;)

Who drives it more depends on practicality - e.g. If the micra is a3 door and you have a baby car seat - you! All things being equal, just alternate weeks.

As for him default driving it when you're together... Would irritate the tits off me, but think you have to think about how it was with the Micra. Did he always drive? You can change that, but if this is what you've accepted or even preferred before, you can't blame him entirely!

When you took him to work in micra, did he drive there and you drive back?

Cabrinha Mon 20-Jan-14 15:07:24

I do see why having earned the money as extra, you feel it's yours. Well done on paying your mum back btw - that was some slog!
But I guess you have to consider how you'd feel if your husband got a month of unexpected over time and then only after it was done said "I'm spending it all on a car for me".

BigBoPeep Mon 20-Jan-14 15:10:22

I think from the sounds of it it is a shared car, but it was bought for family and the kids must take priority froma safety POV so I would say wherever the kids are thats who gets that car. We have the same here - new car is for the children, old banger is for whoever does not have the children.

HSMMaCM Mon 20-Jan-14 15:13:08

Why doesn't he drive the old car to work (the work car) and then either of you can drive the new car (the family car) when you're together? It makes sense for the children to travel in the newer/safer car.

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 15:28:11

That was the idea HSMMaCM but he appears to be back tracking/digging his heels in to prove a point its not "my" car, think the only logical way forward is to me not see it as mine, and have alternative days until the novelty wears off.

I nearly always drove the older car, he was never that great at being driven about, and it was always an issue that I got use of the old car and he had to make do with being driven to and from work, so we get another car and hes still not happy!

rubyrubyrubyrub Mon 20-Jan-14 15:30:46

Its just seems so ridiculous that we are fine and happy in most respects and a big lump of metal is causing this much stress and resentment!

BigBoPeep Mon 20-Jan-14 15:41:40

it IS a bit wierd, if it happened with my husband we'd be having a 'chat' about what was really the problem hmm

Shenanagins Mon 20-Jan-14 15:43:20

I would say yabu to refer to it as yours. However i think it should be driven by the person who is doing the most driving on the more dangerous roads.

We have two cars, one nice and one shit. I tend to drive the shit car as although i may be out and about during the day more its short journeys' which are typically local whereas my oh does motorway driving in rush hour. If i do have a longer journey to do which involves motorway driving we will swap over as its a safer car and I have the kids with me.

Funnily enough we refer to the shit car as mine and the good car as ours.

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