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My partner's ex is destroying me

(115 Posts)
Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:00:14

I'll try to make this as brief as I can. My partners ex is ruining my life. We have been together a year now and I've had constant harrassment from her. She just won't leave us alone. She believes that we started our relationship when they were still together. We did not. She has hacked his Fb, damaged our property, threatened me with violence, called child services on me, tried to lose him his job. She goes quiet for a while and then starts it all again. I suffer with anxiety and depression which was controlled until all of this, I can't even think straight anymore. I've tried to finish things with my partner because of her. She has a personality disorder but also has serious physical health problems which is why my partner won't report her to the police as he feels sorry for her. I'm at my wits end. She has made me ill to the point I started having seizures caused by stress. Has anyone been through this and what can I do?

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 13:45:32

Honestly, don't you think it's best to walk away? You don't want your kids to have to cope with all this, do you? Even if it's not her at them directly, but seeing you unravel, or witnessing the problems it causes between you and your partner?

sometimes, you have to walk away even from someone you love because it is more damaging to be with them than to be without them.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 20-Jan-14 13:46:53

OP your partner is putting his ex ahead of you. He should be putting a stop to this and could if he wanted to, but he isn't. So leave.

You can report this, fb messages are evidence.

DrankSangriaInThePark Mon 20-Jan-14 13:47:47

So, apart from returning her calls, and allowing her to get in touch with him, what is he doing to show you he wants her out of his life?

He doesn't sound insecure in the slightest to me. He sounds like a)he gets off on having 2 women catfighting over him and b) It might not be as over as you think.

See them hills? Get running.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 20-Jan-14 13:48:17

So he's more concerned about a crazy ex's health and wellbeing than yours?

Who's he in love with again?

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:51:31

You are all correct, my best friend told me the same thing. Leave him, he can't stand up to her. It's a pity it has to be like that because he's the only one who can solve it...and he won't. She is hell bent on revenge for whatever imaginary wrong I did her and it won't stop unless he does something about it.

lottiegarbanzo Mon 20-Jan-14 13:51:44

I think I'd tell him that when he's actually single and available, he can come and find you and you'll give him due consideration.

In the meantime, look after yourself and your children and only consider attaching yourself to a man who will do the same.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 20-Jan-14 13:52:07

If you are afraid of another report to SS then you should consider leaving. I doubt the ex will be reporting you if you are out of the picture, and getting your children away from this mess sounds like a good move. It isn't worth staying to fight for someone who will not stand up for you or protect you.

Tonandfeather Mon 20-Jan-14 13:53:50

Ok well if neither of you are going to do anything about it officially, you've only got one option then haven't you?

Get out of the relationship with this guy if it's making you ill.

Though if i were you, I'd only hold against her what you've seen and heard yourself and can prove. I expect there's a lot your partner says that doesn't much stack up and that's why he won't go to the police.

FuckingWankwings Mon 20-Jan-14 13:54:11

What lottie said.

Talk to the police (as someone suggests, call 101 and ask for advice).

But your ex needs to be on your side. If you're having seizures and he's still not willing to deal with her, you need to seriously question your relationship.

Pobblewhohasnotoes Mon 20-Jan-14 13:55:59

He feels sorry for her but doesn't care that it's making you ill. Either he's in love with her or he's enjoying having two women wanting his attention.

CosyTeaBags Mon 20-Jan-14 13:56:16

The only acceptable response from your DP to this situation would be for him to stand by you, defend you against his ex, and sort this out so that she can no longer hurt you.

He isn't doing any of that. He's choosing her wellbeing over yours.

QualityJanitor Mon 20-Jan-14 13:56:48

Are you frightened of your partner, OP?

You talk about him coming home in a temper - are you walking on eggshells?

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:57:36

I actually felt for her in the beginning ton, because I did believe he'd probably messed her about....until she started her hate campaign against me. She's evil to me, threatening to smash my house up and I think...what have I ever done to deserve this? I didn't even know who she was until she started harassing me.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:59:56

Qj, I am a little. Not physically, he'd never lay a finger on a woman...but he's so nasty with his words. His ex gets in touch, winds him up and then he takes it out on me.

Tonandfeather Mon 20-Jan-14 14:01:47

He SAYS his ex has been in touch. You don't know if she has. She isn't to blame for him being a nasty bastard to you though.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 14:02:39

So I'm getting it on both sides, if I'm with him, she harasses me, if I try to finish it, he doesn't want it to end and won't leave me alone. I didn't want to admit that....I feel so trapped.

DelightedIAm Mon 20-Jan-14 14:05:21

How do you know it isn't your oh not his ex at all? Maybe he did the same to her?

lottiegarbanzo Mon 20-Jan-14 14:08:03

Right, so they're at least as bad as each other.

I'd report to the police, telling them your story, not his. Include your experience of fearing him and his harrassment of you.

Then leave.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 14:08:32

If you need help to get out (and it sounds like you do) there is help available.

There is a limit to how long you can live like this before it breaks you. And as well as yourself, you have your children to consider.

If you want help, it is out there for you.

QualityJanitor Mon 20-Jan-14 14:09:05

he'd never lay a finger on a woman...but he's so nasty with his words.

if I try to finish it, he doesn't want it to end and won't leave me alone

Call Women's Aid. You need to get away from this man. His ex is a red herring - he is abusing you and you need to get yourself and your DC out.

VelvetGecko Mon 20-Jan-14 14:10:15

I think you should get out now OP. Just think of the lovely peaceful life you and your dc could have.You say he won't leave you alone when you try, well then you call the police on him for harassment. Close you fb account, change your number, do whatever you have to.
This is affecting your health, your dc need you healthy to take care of them.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 14:11:16

I do know its her, I've seen emails, Fb messages, texts, phone calls but I do suspect he's probably given her false hopes that they would get back together now and then. She has caused trouble, we have argued, then he he has called her to tell her to back off...they end up talking because he feels sorry for her, then everything he says she uses against us. On and on it goes....

QualityJanitor Mon 20-Jan-14 14:13:38

OP, seriously, forget the ex. The problem is your partner.

He is getting off on messing with your head and keeping your miserable and vulnerable.

He is not your friend. Get help to get out, please thanks

fromparistoberlin Mon 20-Jan-14 14:14:24

I know you dont want to hear this, but this is down to HIM and his baggage

I get you love him, but if due to his baggage your kids are at risk , its worth facing up to the fact that...:

finish with him = the threat to your family goes away

DelightedIAm Mon 20-Jan-14 14:14:55

Has he told you about any mental health diagnosis he has himself? He may need some help and if the police get involved to stop this, it may help him and his ex as well.

As has been said tell YOUR story about what YOU have seen/heard and can prove yourself, don't say what he told you etc. You and your children deserve to be safe, and you will not be safe with this Man and his baggage in your life.

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