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My partner's ex is destroying me

(115 Posts)
Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:00:14

I'll try to make this as brief as I can. My partners ex is ruining my life. We have been together a year now and I've had constant harrassment from her. She just won't leave us alone. She believes that we started our relationship when they were still together. We did not. She has hacked his Fb, damaged our property, threatened me with violence, called child services on me, tried to lose him his job. She goes quiet for a while and then starts it all again. I suffer with anxiety and depression which was controlled until all of this, I can't even think straight anymore. I've tried to finish things with my partner because of her. She has a personality disorder but also has serious physical health problems which is why my partner won't report her to the police as he feels sorry for her. I'm at my wits end. She has made me ill to the point I started having seizures caused by stress. Has anyone been through this and what can I do?

FunkyBoldRibena Mon 20-Jan-14 13:01:16

End it? The relationship I mean. It's not doing you any good is it?

Dahlen Mon 20-Jan-14 13:02:50

End the relationship. Until your partner realises he has to stand up to his X, you will never be free of this woman.

AnyFucker Mon 20-Jan-14 13:03:52

I think your problem is your partner, I am sorry to say

he is unwilling or unable to take the steps required to protect you, so really your relationship is game over

HollaAtMeBaby Mon 20-Jan-14 13:13:57

If she's harassing you, you can report her to the police. Your partner doesn't need to do it.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-Jan-14 13:15:36

Why are you dependent on your partner to call the police? You're being threatened, not just him. If he prioritises her over you then don't stick around for more punishment. Leave him to her.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:17:20

You are right AF, I have, at times, risen to it and asked her to back off..twice in a year, but dp rises to it, loses his temper and phones her every time she does this which really, is just giving her the attention she craves. He's stuck I understand, he doesn't want to tell me when she has been in touch because he knows it will stress me, but I always find out anyway. When he comes in from work in a temper, I guess she's been in touch again and then I always find out. He changed his number twice, she still found it, she emails him, messages him on Fb, turns up at his mum's house, his daughter's house, his friends....she just won't give up.

Tonandfeather Mon 20-Jan-14 13:20:34

Is this the ex that your partner stayed with for a week over Xmas, with their children? Who you didn't see for that whole time?

If she threatened you with violence and damaged your property, why didn't YOU go to the police?

If you're the same poster as the one on last week's postings, the problem is that your partner isn't being honest with you and still has strong feelings for his ex.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:20:48

I can report her, but really I don't have any proof of what she has done to me, just him. She has admitted it was her but I don't have any evidence really apart from Fb messages...would the police even take that seriously?

msrisotto Mon 20-Jan-14 13:21:26

If it's making you ill, leave! There are other men out there and if this one isn't being proactive in solving this issue then walk. He is letting you be bullied, how horrible is that?

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:22:47

No that's not me ton, I've been a member on here for ten years but haven't posted for a year probably, maybe longer.

ISeeYouShiverWithAntici Mon 20-Jan-14 13:26:26

I would walk away from him, tbh. I don't think a bloke, any bloke, is worth the hell you are living.

Maybe if he loses someone he claims to love, because of her, he will do what is necessary to stop her, instead of protecting her at the expense of the well being of the person he claims to love.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-Jan-14 13:26:38

There's nothing to stop you calling the police 101 non-emergency number, describing the problem and asking what they would advise going forward. Stalking & harassment is taken pretty seriously. I would expect them to say that you should keep careful records of incidents that you either know or suspect she is involved in. They may even send round a community support officer for a chat.

ateddybearfromdelaware1 Mon 20-Jan-14 13:28:49

You can report her for harassment. You should have a long time ago. I reported someone once and the police were great. Went to his house and gave him a sharp warning, and told me if he did one more thing to call 999. it stopped.

Tonandfeather Mon 20-Jan-14 13:30:36

Can you clarify then?

How would FB messages confirm she reported you to Child Services?

Are you saying that all the other threats and reports of damage to your property have come via your own partner?

If the only evidential source for her behaviour is your partner's say-so, then yes the police might look at his claims more closely...

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:31:16

I'm scared of the consequences too if I'm honest, she comes from a pretty nasty well known family, has been arrested so many times for assault, and she knows a lot of people. I'm the kind of person, I like a peaceful life with my handful of good friends. She scares the living crap out of me.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 20-Jan-14 13:33:53

The police exist to deal with scary people on our behalf. It's their job to round up violent types so we don't have to put up with their crap.. You're already suffering consequences whilst nothing is happening to her. So what if she knows lots of people?

Tonandfeather Mon 20-Jan-14 13:34:10

Forget the gossip and rumour machine.

What can you actually prove she's done or said, yourself?

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:34:44

It's definitely her ton, I don't have an enemy in the world, I generally keep myself to myself. There was some stirring between families at the time....I don't want to go into too much detail on here. smile

BillyBanter Mon 20-Jan-14 13:34:46

You have a right not to be stalked harassed etc.

Splitting with your partner is a very real option even with a lot of sympathy for his situation. It's also a real possibility if you 'push the issue' by reporting when he doesn't want to do that.

Alternatively there may be ways to bring him round to a position where he will stand up to her more and be more willing to report/make her take responsibility for her actions. Men, as with women, struggle to make a stand against partners or exes who abuse/harass them.

AngelaDaviesHair Mon 20-Jan-14 13:35:43

Your options are:

1) Put up with the status quo;

2) Report her to police with as much evidence as you can pull together and stick to your guns whatever she and her family do;

3) Leave your partner and get yourself and your child(ren) as far away from this awful situation as possible.

It's very hard but I don't see that there are any other choices, so you have to pick one of these. In your position, I suspect I would have picked option 3 a long time ago.

ToniViolin Mon 20-Jan-14 13:36:11

Start logging it all.

I'm not convinced your DP is doing everything he can to stop this. If he loves you then he should be doing everything he can to protect you from her harassment.

My ex did some of this stuff, I changed numbers, passwords, privacy settings on FB so that strangers couldn't send messages, there are things that he can be doing.

I suspect that he, consciously or not, does not want to give up the attention, from her.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:36:37

And that's the point also, she's admitted it via phone calls, but I can't prove that.

BillyBanter Mon 20-Jan-14 13:39:12

fb messages are evidence.

Harrassedandstalked Mon 20-Jan-14 13:42:03

I think in a way he does like the attention, he's very insecure, but he doesn't seem to realise what a serious impact this is making on my life. I'm a nervous wreck. It's no game to me. His children are adults, mine aren't. Ss are my worst nightmare and now it's constantly stuck in my mind that she will call them again. I know I've nothing to hide, but still, I worry about it all the time.

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