Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

I fyou felt as a child that you had zero emotional support from your parent(s) etc

(411 Posts)
SoleSource Sun 19-Jan-14 16:47:24

How has this affected how you deal with your emotions as an adult?

Do you find emotions hard to deal with?

Are you afraid of asking for help or just being yourself or not know how to word your feelings from being afraid of being vulnerable and attacked?

As I do sometimes...as I had zero emotional support as a child and was emotionally abused and verbally attacked constantly by my Father. I have been NC for nine years now.

I'm single and have had a course of therapy but feel I have been hurt far too much and am scared of letting others 'in'.

RandomMess Tue 18-Feb-14 15:54:24

shock

Hope you said no!

Think I'd have made some comment about I'm sure they can't wait to have you out the way to invite their partners over wink

Andro Tue 18-Feb-14 17:09:42

I told her that it would be inappropriate for them to stay with me, that their expectations would at best send the wrong message to my children and that in my opinion the twins need to grow up - it didn't go down well (I'm a selfish, uncaring bitch with no regard for my family...apparently)

I refuse to wait on my husband and children, I'm not about to play host to 2 man-children/spoilt brats who don't know how to do the most basic of tasks.

PurpleRayne Tue 18-Feb-14 17:13:51

Well done you. That was clear, honest and assertive.

stooshe Tue 18-Feb-14 18:38:04

I just realised in talking about "life" stuff the other day (with my adult daughter) that I was never reassured by either one of my two parents. If If I had grown up as, I suppose the "golden child" that realisation may have given me a breakdown.
However, I've come to terms with the fact that I had two narcissistic parents. My mother couldn't even stand her own self. Rigid, but capable of moments of hilarity. Very sharp. not good at making definitive decisions about my sister and I that would cause "tension' with my father. So I made them. She never liked me, she did that "blow me and bite me" thing that I couldn't find a word for, but I pointed out her treatment of me from the age of say, ten.
I only ask questions that I half way know the answers to. I'm very self sufficient. I used to have what some would consider a "good heart", but I always wonder if that wasn't a "result" of some need unfulfilled in my childhood. So I've wound down and really ascertained who are friends and who are acquaintances. I only see my dad at family functions. I think that he knows that I know that he isn't completely 'righted". He tried to fuck with me through my daughter (who he tried to boost as the "golden grandchild" until I worked through his machinations) and got embarrassed by me.
I think that my weaknesses are my strengths and vice versa. I just make sure that I am not averse to criticism. That seems to be a the start of a lot of people's foray into being complete arseholes. I've always been blessed with identifying and owning my feelings, which may have saved me from more pain. So I can (as everybody) be manipulated, but I will realise that that is happening.

Mitzi50 Tue 18-Feb-14 23:36:17

I've read most of this thread and it is ringing so many bells. Both my parents had tough childhoods and I have made so many excuses for them over the years. The truth is that they are incredibly selfish and self obsessed and both my brother and I have suffered as a result (my brother more than me). They have caused so many problems - they are completely unaware of boundaries and are just interested in appearences - during my divorce they berated me for being a bad daughter. My brother is here at the moment - he is severely depressed and an alcoholic but they have declined to visit because it "upsets"them. They always disappear when anyone needs any kind of support - I have been shocked over the years as I have watched them distance themselves from "friends" who are ill or bereaved. They have offered no support to my brother over the years and have been useless when I would have benefitted from support. I have coped by being quite "hard" and very self sufficient - my brother has crumbled. They are in their 80s and I know they won't change, but I feel like shaking them. When I talk to my mother about my brother she turns it back to herself - she seems genuinely shocked and upset when I tell her "this is not about you". Sorry to rant.

metoo22 Wed 19-Feb-14 13:28:08

Hi Mitzi We all need to 'rant' it seems! My parents divorced about 25 years ago, I had left home already, and I think they have both separately tried to change. I do wonder how they would be if still together - much worse I think. My dad says he feels bad he wasn't more involved when we were little. I think he didn't 'protect' us from my Mum's anger and unpredictability. He likes to think that everything is fine and everyone is lovely. My Mum I think has tried to hold back criticism since I had kids but I still feel it. She is an incredibly strong seeming person and I am scared of her, I realise. They both had horrible childhoods too and I have also made excuses for them.
Is your brother getting support/ therapy now? Since I revealed I am depressed I have become closer to my oldest brother who has also had bouts of it. I think my youngest db may have had too but he has never said. I cant believe I am only just working this out now at 50. But better late than never.

wontletmesignin Sun 23-Feb-14 10:54:48

Cant believe the similarities we all seem to face! Comforting in a sense. Yes to all of the questions!

My dm was an abusive aloholic, and my df was her enabler. I was stuck in the middle constantly.
My dad would leave for work and give me whisky to hide, and money. Id be told not to give it to her no matter what. Thats when id be physically and verbally attacked off my dm. Then i would get a bollocking off my df for not just giving her it to keep the peace. Still cant get my head around the fact that there was no way of winning!

That was just the beginning of a long night of verbal abuse from my dm, everynight.

Ive struggled to express my feelings, wants and needs ever since. Often ignoring my own wants and needs myself in order to please others. Usually resulting in more discomfort for me but its as though ive been conditioned to want the discomfort more than comfort. Iykwim!

I still try and please my parents - and get shit on in little ways left right and centre.
In a way, i think there is some form of dependency there. Even though its not wanted!
They sometimes make decisions for me and i dont have the strength to stop them. I kind of shirvel into a shell and let them do whatever.

I have stopped them spending my money for me. But they still try.

notso1 Thu 24-Apr-14 00:33:38

Leverette, from the age of 17 you were able to report your uncle to the police yourself, legally there is no requirement to have an adult with you.

Setup1 Mon 28-Apr-14 18:37:48

Leverette, if you were so worried about your uncle's children why didn't you warn their mother.

ChickenMe Tue 29-Apr-14 08:09:42

Not abusive but just never felt safe. I was always desperate to be close to someone and envied other families. I was terrified of being abandoned (still am) and used to fear I'd come home from school and they'd all be gone. Dad permanently critical so that has made me quite paranoid. Mum in awe of dad and a people pleaser who denied all negative emotion which has made me anxious. Lucky I have a great OH. His family are close and normal. I would love to have a DD in a way to be able to love her - like I wang to break the cycle. I've had therapy so I don't think I'll repeat the emotionally distant behaviour. I adore little girls and want to mother them. Almost like I wasn't mothered properly and am desperate to get it right. Any

NotNewButNameChanged Tue 29-Apr-14 08:21:57

I have no problems expressing my emotions at all. I just don't regard my parents with much affection or love. They are just people. Whereas I adore my friends and would do anything for them.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now