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Too sensitive for AIBU...

(245 Posts)
fackinell Sat 18-Jan-14 20:09:32

...but very gently, am I?

I posted earlier about my fantastic DP on MC thread but actually, if I'm not wrong, he's being a bit of a shit tonight.

I'm threatening MC (no3) Loss of pg symptoms, bleeding and cramps yesterday but its calmed down today. DSD 17 was supposed to be with us Tues and fri but decided last minute not to (these are her scheduled days. Welcome any other time too but tends to stick to her usual times.)

At lunchtime I asked DP if we had any plans today and was relieved we didn't as I feel like shit and want to just veg. DSD text at teatime to say she would like to stay tonight instead as she missed her days. I said that I really wasn't feeling up to seeing anyone and would it be ok on this one occasion to say not tonight, sorry. I was very nice about it but it doesn't matter who it is, I'm not feeling up to seeing anyone. After a massive argument he has stormed out. I think he may have told his DD the truth which I am totally pissed off about as her mum's family have had a go at me before for daring to be pg! So as not to drip feed, she left him years before we met.

Now I feel even more shit and stressed as he is furious at me. Is it so wrong to need time and space given the circumstances? I didn't suggest she not come round yesterday (but as I was feeling rubbish I was relieved she didn't.) I don't mess with her usual days, I just needed to feel crap tonight with DP knowing the situation and not make small talk.

Be kind please. After saying how wonderful he is I'm now thinking LTB! I agree his DD should come first but not at the detriment to me if there's a genuine reason. sad

MyBachisworsethanmybite Sat 18-Jan-14 20:13:48

I'm afraid I think you are being unreasonable in the circumstances. Even though they are awful. [massive sympathy]

Can you just go to bed now and then the daughter can come and you don't have to see her or be polite?

owlbegoing Sat 18-Jan-14 20:19:13

Sorry but I disagree with MyBach Given your current circumstances I think it's perfectly understandable to just be able to relax! She chose not to come on her normal day! In the grand scheme of things one night shouldn't matter to her. thanks

MissPryde Sat 18-Jan-14 20:19:38

I'm sorry. This is such a delicate situation. I don't think you're in the wrong for wanting a quiet evening and I don't think he's wrong for not wanting to deny his daughter the chance to visit. I don't think he should have stormed out, and he really should be more sensitive to how you feel right now. It might be difficult for him if he thinks you're trying to put a baby before DSD but he should really understand where you're coming from. I should think he could tell his daughter you're feeling ill and it wouldn't be the best time for a visit without revealing everything.

I'm sure he is wonderful and he'll come round soon. Sometimes even the best men have terrible tunnel vision in these situations.

Good luck with everything, I sincerely hope all goes well and everything turns out ok with your pregnancy, I'll be sending good thoughts your way.

fackinell Sat 18-Jan-14 20:20:10

Thanks for being honest, he has already told her no and he has stormed out. It's not just that she would be popping round, she wanted to stay over and it would be all day tomorrow too. The only thing worse than how I feel now would be to be lying in bed staring at the ceiling. I wanted the space to just chill out and watch tv as a distraction. He always does this non stop joviality all night when she's around and I'm really not in the mood for that. I'm neither jovial nor sociable, but your point is on board thanks.

PaulaFletch14 Sat 18-Jan-14 20:21:41

Fackinell
I miscarried two weeks before Christmas my first baby. My DP has a 17 daughter and I too wouldn't want her staying at that time

I think you're totally reasonable!

Offred Sat 18-Jan-14 20:22:12

I don't think you are being unreasonable to say you need privacy just now but I think you're unreasonable to be angry he told her the real reason. Could he not go to visit her just this once or take her out somewhere if he doesn't want to miss seeing her?

Twinklestein Sat 18-Jan-14 20:22:19

I have to agree, that I think you are the one being unreasonable, even though I understand why.

She's family, if she wants to see her dad, then she should be able to come over any time day or night. If you want to go to bed & not socialise, that's fine, they're not going to mind.

I also don't think it's very realistic to try to prevent her from knowing about the miscarriage, particularly in the circumstances. If it happened when she was away, there was no particular reason to tell her, but as it affected her seeing her dad, being honest with her may have helped her understand the situation.

Twinklestein Sat 18-Jan-14 20:23:21

with MyBach^

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 18-Jan-14 20:24:24

I think it was best he told her the real reason too.

Also..remember ..this will also be stressful for him as its his baby too. So I'd cut him a bit of slack. It will be easier for you both to stick together at this time.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 18-Jan-14 20:25:24

I think the 'test' for all these things is whether you'd react the same way if there was no 'S' in her acronym. Appreciate that you feel terrible and need quiet time but she's your DD and, as family, there shouldn't be any secrets. Hope you're OK.

fackinell Sat 18-Jan-14 20:26:58

Thanks Owl and MissPryde. I asked him to say I was unwell and could we reschedule but he said I was basically denying him seeing his daughter. Each time I have lost a baby he tends to invite her round when it's not her usual day (and in the at its happening.) I pointed this out last time to him and he denied it. I'm not convinced that she did ask, maybe he suggested it. Maybe it makes him feel closer to the one he has but it makes me feel crap, like he's rubbing my nose in my lack of success. I'm probably just being paranoid but it never seems to happen any other time. I enjoy DSDs company, we've been on holiday together and I'm always pleased to see her. Just not tonight.

HumphreyCobbler Sat 18-Jan-14 20:29:06

Actually, I think that as you are going through such a terrible time, and that you normally never stop your step daughter from coming round and that she is 17 not seven then you are well within your rights to get a little privacy. You wouldn't have messed around with her normal schedule.

So sorry you are going through this.

FanjoForTheMammaries Sat 18-Jan-14 20:30:11

Yes..am sorry too.

But do make up with him. .Don't make things harder

Offred Sat 18-Jan-14 20:31:14

There is clearly some tension in the relationship about dsd. He is not rubbing the lack of success in your face that is utterly unreasonable, it is understandable that he'd want to be close to his dd in these circs but equally if you need private time in order to grieve and recover it is reasonable to expect he doesn't invite her round. Can't he take her out instead if he wants to be close to her? He wouldn't be actually spending time with her while she was asleep anyway and he could see her out of the house tonight and tomorrow if he wanted and you'd be able to rest and recover in privacy. Or could you go to your mum's?

fackinell Sat 18-Jan-14 20:34:51

Thanks for all other inputs. We decided to tell no one this time and after the shitstorm before I really didn't want her to know until 12 wks. The first time she made a hole in the wall kicking the front door in temper. Told him her other family were furious at him and that we were disgusting. I don't need a repeat performance of that. As for the S aspect, if that was a child of mine acting that way first time around, their laptop and iPhone would be in the local charity shop! That is where the S makes the difference.

I do genuinely care about her but the little things make me realise its not reciprocated. For example she changed her no but never gave me it and only gave me the last one under embarrassing duress from her Dad. After a few moments of silence I told him not to force her and then she felt obliged.

Lazyjaney Sat 18-Jan-14 20:35:04

Sorry, its terrible circumstances, but you are BU. To you she is a SD, but to him a DD. He would see her as part of his closest family, you clearly don't, and everything else stems from that. You simply cannot order a parent about when they can see their kids.

handfulofcottonbuds Sat 18-Jan-14 20:37:43

Try not to get too stressed, what's done is done now.

Take it easy, rest and I wish you all the best with your pregnancy, I lost 2 little ones myself and I hope you get a good outcome.

fackinell Sat 18-Jan-14 20:38:18

I could, Offred but Mum's in another town and has had a wine. I don't have a car and Mum's under stress ATM herself. Don't want to offload.

I know that sounds U about rubbing my face in it but it's happened three times now, it's hard not to feel
Like that.

Offred Sat 18-Jan-14 20:44:51

I really am sorry for your situation and feel it must be terribly difficult but want to gently say that she doesn't need to reciprocate, she's still a child and this situation is hard. Parenting is very difficult precisely because it is a thankless task full of giving and giving from the parents with not much expectation of anything back. If she's struggling to adjust to the new situation then she needs love and care and time, sometimes punishment for bad behaviour and setting of boundaries by her parents but also at 17 she doesn't actually have to have any relationship with you at all if she doesn't want to. She does need to treat you with respect as she would any other person though. She isn't any other person though she'd be a half sibling to any children you might have and if it is disturbing her contact with her dad she deserves the proper reason. Her reaction, though scary and nasty for you should be dealt with away from you by her mum and dad.

Offred Sat 18-Jan-14 20:46:06

And yes, I can see it is very hard not to feel like that but letting it descend into that is going to make you hate your OH and kill your relationship. Have the NHS offered any counselling to support you? Must be very tough. sad

brokenhearted55a Sat 18-Jan-14 20:47:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

quietlysuggests Sat 18-Jan-14 20:48:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WhenWhyWhere Sat 18-Jan-14 20:49:16

I understand that you would want a quiet night but I think you were U telling your DSD she couldnt come. You should have just asked your DH to be less jovial confused

Is there a reason that your DSD texts you to ask if she can visit?

ThinkFirst Sat 18-Jan-14 20:49:42

I don't think you are being unreasonable. You're in a vulnerable state atm and you don't want to be dealing with a possible childish temper tantrum, with vandalism, from your DSD. She's not a young child anymore, and she changed her dates, both she and your DH should be understanding of your position atm.

I hope things turn out ok for you.

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