Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do we all cope with the mundanity of very long term relationships?

(238 Posts)
Mintyy Sat 18-Jan-14 19:50:38

I have been with dh since 1991, married in 1994.

He is fabulous in many ways. Infuriating in many ways. And also has things about him that I would not tolerate in anyone else, but then anyone else is not the father of my beloved dc.

I sincerely wonder about the next 20-30 years. I'm not sure I can put up with sharing my life and being answerable to someone for all that time! I think I'd like to live on my own, but is that unrealistic? Would I be lonely?

I guess this is classic mid life crisis.

YesAnastasia Sat 18-Jan-14 19:52:29

I don't know sad

I too await some inspiration so I'm here for solidarity.

SoonToBeSix Sat 18-Jan-14 19:52:38

Unless he is abusive you remember your marriage vows and stop being selfish.

AnyFucker Sat 18-Jan-14 19:53:48

I don't have to "cope" it is quite easy, sorry mintyy

we were married in 1993 so v. similar to you

what kind of things would you "not tolerate in anyone else" ? Those are quite strong words. You shouldn't be tolerating anything in a marriage that you wouldn't outside of it.

Sorry if this sends your thread off in the wrong direction, feel free to redirect it

MadeMan Sat 18-Jan-14 19:58:16

I always get the impression you play Scrabble for the rest of your life together.

AnyFucker Sat 18-Jan-14 20:00:37

That just isn't true (or it shouldn't be)

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HowGoodIsThat Sat 18-Jan-14 20:03:02

Also been with DH since 1991 but took longer to get wed than you did!

I agree with AF - if there are behaviours that you wouldn't tolerate in anyone else, why do you tolerate them in your H? Or are they things that because its your H you find you can't tolerate them? My Mum is like this about my Dad. She is amazingly tolerant of most people but she has decided that certain aspects of my Dad (well most of him) are infuriating and consequently she reacts really badly to him a lot of the time. I have called her on it and she does admit that she needs to work on how she views him. He has becomes the focus for many decades of her suppressed anger I think.

DH has habits that, on a bad day, drive me insane but then I know that I do things that get his goat too. You have to keep looking past the minor irritations and see the relationship from the the long term picture. DH still makes me laugh more than anyone else and on the odd occasion we are out with others, I still look at him across a room and think he is lovely.

I am better of with him than without so that gives me hope for the next 20-30 years. IF you can't say the same, then you need to try and work out why.

Wine wink

Bunbaker Sat 18-Jan-14 20:05:53

I met OH in 1978 and got married in 1981. I don't feel I have to "cope" with it. Perhaps we are both boring, but I wouldn't want my life to be any other way. We give each other space and he travels a lot for work, so we don't get a chance to be tired of each other. We share the same values and not only love, but respect each other.

I don't find being married is hard work and don't feel that I have to work at the relationship. It just is.

Sorry, but I don't really have any answers.

Bowlersarm Sat 18-Jan-14 20:12:02

My timescale is about the same as yours OP, but I find your post really sad. The fact your dh has earned the right to be tolerated because he's fathered your DC. sad You both deserve more passion in your lives than revolving round the word 'tolerate'

I love my DH. My life would be grey and dull without him. Tbh, I don't think I could settle for less in a partner.

Twinklestein Sat 18-Jan-14 20:14:02

I think it helps if you're not under each other's feet all the time, so that you're always wanting more rather than less.

Toleration question... depends... I wouldn't tolerate anyone else leaving their surf board in the spare room for several months... wink

Homebird8 Sat 18-Jan-14 20:15:05

SoonToBeSix I'm not sure the OP is being selfish. Is it wrong to muse upon such matters or to ask whether anyone else does too? She is not looking for permission to leave her DH, just to have a whinge amongst friends about the endlessness of life and the mundaneness of a good marriage. Correct me if I'm wrong OP.

There are things I would not tolerate in anyone else but my DH and I am in no way experiencing abuse. I wouldn't tolerate the lack of day to day information on arrangements that affect me for example.

A case in point; last night DH had arranged for 8 friends to come for a meal joining our family of 4. He hadn't quite remembered this, or passed the info on to me, when another friend with 2 children arranged to come over too (which he knew about). No biggy, we had a lovely evening with a house of 15. My point is that if he had not been DH, and had not thought to mention that my home was being filled with 11 other people when I had hoped for an evening with a glass of wine and a DVD, I wouldn't have tolerated it.

Things that I tolerate in my DH cause eye rolling but not shouts of LTB.

Bonsoir Sat 18-Jan-14 20:15:58

If your life together is mundane you need to create some excitement and interest. Life doesn't show up on your doorstep - you have to go out and find it smile

ThinkFirst Sat 18-Jan-14 20:25:51

DH and I have been together since 1991, married in 1993. I don't have to "cope" or work at it either. I can't imagine being without him for the next 30/40 years.

What exactly is it that you find mundane, your relationship with your DH or daily life, chores etc.? You could well find yourself lonely if you leave, but the mundaneness of life could still also be there. If you're looking to spice up your life would you not want to include your DH in that?

You don't say whether or not you actually love him. If you do, I suggest you find ways to improve things (talk to your DH) before making a decision that will impact the rest of your life and leave you with regrets.

granny24 Sat 18-Jan-14 20:27:02

Spot on agentprovocateur. Sitting here with DH about to have dinner and sort of doing a crossword together.

MostWicked Sat 18-Jan-14 20:45:54

cope with the mundanity ???

I have been with DH the same amount of time as you have with yours.
I cannot even begin to relate to your question. There is nothing to "cope" with about being in the relationship. There probably are things we tolerate about each other, that's part of the deal when you share your life with someone, but they are tolerated on a sub-conscious level.
I love being with him. I love the stability and security of our marriage. I love knowing that we will be together for another 20+ years, however long we live for. I could neither imagine being on my own, nor with another man. I cannot even imagine life without him. He is my soul mate.

So coping with the mundanity simply makes no sense whatsoever.

Homebird8 Sat 18-Jan-14 20:47:09

I think that's the thing I can't imagine being without him for the next 30/40 years. I don't think any of us can imagine the next 30 or 40 years. Possibly best not to try. If there are things wrong now then fix them, or try to. If you make every step in the right direction you get to 2050 eventually, God willing. What matters is not all that time, but the things that make up each step.

Mintyy Sat 18-Jan-14 20:50:52

Yes, I do crosswords with dh, I do conversing with him about the practicalities, I do all the mind-numbing conversations about shopping and holidays and childcare and money and who is where and all that stuff that all of us do. And I appreciate him fully for that.

I wouldn't tolerate anyone else in my life not knowing where I am, or wanting me to be available to them for a conversation at any time, or having a go at me for the things they find irritating - that's the kind of thing.

Its the lack of privacy and autonomy that I can't stand!!!

I find it hard enough with the dc but at least I know they'll leave home in due course.

V hard to explain.

I am quite an independent person, I realise, and its hard to compromise all the time.

But am happy to hear of so many entirely compatible partnerships
flowers on Mn.

Bunbaker Sat 18-Jan-14 20:51:01

Many years ago someone famous (I forget who) said you should marry the person you could not live without, not the one you could live with. I agree.

Bunbaker Sat 18-Jan-14 20:52:26

"Its the lack of privacy"

Why does your husband not give you privacy? OH and I are both private people and we respect each other's privacy. DD is 13 and I respect hers as well.

SirChenjin Sat 18-Jan-14 20:54:23

I get where you are coming from OP...kind of...

I've been with DH for 20 years, have our ups and downs, but still love him to bits (most of the time!). He's my best friend, partner, most loyal supporter, lover, and a great dad to the DCs. However, there are times when I look at my life as a whole and think - is this it?? It all seems very mediocre - although I know that I have a hell of a lot to be grateful for, and I know that one day we'll do the things that we want to do. As others have said, is it him you find boring, or your life generally? Have you got goals and ambitions, and if so, do they include him?

HerGraciousMajTheBeardedPotato Sat 18-Jan-14 20:58:53

It makes complete sense to me.

Sometimes all I want to do is snuggle into the mundanity, complete with Scrabble board and mug of cocoa. Other times I want to throw caution to the winds and say something nasty to him just to get him to react and do something different, with passion.

Of course I don't want to hurt my dh. But our lives seem to be chugging along nicely in a groove, and it's getting boring, and u seem to be losing my identity as an individual.

My marriage vows were about togetherness. Not about losingyself in coupledom.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Sat 18-Jan-14 21:02:40

I've always disagreed with that saying bun baker, smile

tilliebob Sat 18-Jan-14 21:06:12

We were also married in 1993 and were together for over 7 years before that. I can't say that thought of spending the rest of my life with DH has ever worried me. I often think about how fast we can get the dcs off our hands so we can get more couple time though wink. Being together is kinda why we got married. Hope you sort your thoughts out soon, OP.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now