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Sickening photo's

(165 Posts)
Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 17:15:07

Regular user but DP knows my usual name.

Quick back story:

Been together for 2 years, he's the one.

I have ongoing massive issues with his ex, they had separated along time before we got together and have a ds aged 7 together, she's a very difficult person and I dislike her so much for so many reasons.

He had told me they had been to fetish/swingers clubs together and had participated in threesomes at their house.

I'm very open minded but find it all a little bit seedy, but its his past so I try not to dwell on it too much.

Was clearing our shed out today and found a very well hidden photo memory card, intrigued I put it in my phone and found literally hundred's of photo's of them in various sexual positions with various different people and I feel physically sick and don't know what to say/do?

All advice great fully received!

THERhubarb Wed 22-Jan-14 16:59:02

I have anger issues too.

I used to self harm and break things (once broke a window) and tear my own clothes in pure rage.

Half of that was down to hormones and when I came off the pill, I felt like a different person but I also have to take responsibility for the fact that half of it is just who I am.

I had years of my stepdad knocking my confidence, making me feel shit, telling me I was a waste of space, etc. I thought I was unloveable and at times I do feel this urge to drive my dh away. I don't think I deserve him.

I know this is what I do and I have come to terms with it. I no longer take any form of hormonal contraception as that makes it worse. I haven't gone for counselling but then I don't think that I'm quite as bad as you seem to be. I realise when I'm trying to push him away and I am now able to stop myself, take myself out of that situation and come back when I'm calmer.

Your abusive past has made you very very angry and also very defensive and vulnerable. It's little wonder you have so much rage inside you. I urge you to see someone about this so that you can deal with that anger, find another outlet for it and accept that you are a loveable, generous and kind person whose dp finds her sexy and attractive. You need to love yourself again.

Best of luck. You deserve a great future x

Needadvice5 Wed 22-Jan-14 16:51:06

Hi Rhubarb, thankyou for posting.

I think you're right, I do need some help, I've been "strong" for so long for my dc and can't do it any longer.

I'm like a bomb constantly waiting to explode, my dp has taken the last 2 days off to spend time with me, we've been on nice dog walks/meal etc. We've talked lots which has helped. I've told him about some of the violence that I've never discussed before, not even to the police.

He's been as supportiq as ever, he's concerned about my anger. We've talked about lots of incidents where I've "lost" it. I threw the kettle at the wall last week and he says he's on egg shells which is really bad.

so this thread has ended up being about me! But its made me realise I need some help to deal with the past.

Thanks xxxxx

THERhubarb Tue 21-Jan-14 11:54:17

Ok so you found some vile pictures.

I think those pictures have reminded you of the abuse you suffered at the hands of your ex. You were sexually abused and even though no-one is abused in those pics, you have put your now dp in the role of abuser, because you can't picture anyone consenting to such sexual practices?

I also think that you are looking for an excuse to drive your dp away. You feel you don't deserve him, that you should be punished for the way you are and therefore you need to throw him out and be miserable because being happy is not something you are comfortable with.

You desperately need some counselling - specialist counselling. You have a destructive streak and I think (I may be wrong) that it all boils down to your low self esteem and feeling that you should be punished.

Let's take the focus away from you for a little while and think of the children. They have grown used to having your dp, a decent bloke, in their lives. They put up with an abusive father figure, escaped that and now that life is back on track you want to take that away from them? Don't you see that you will just be perpetuating this vicious cycle? What will you say to them when they ask why you split up with him?

I think you need to deal with your abusive past. It's a bit like having post traumatic stress syndrome - you've been confronted with images that provide a stark reminder of the abuse you suffered. Unless you deal with that abuse head-on, this will happen again.

You need to explain this to your dp. Tell him that reason says, he is not to blame and this is just from his past, but that unfortunately your past is not reasonable and your emotions are all over the place because of what happened to you. He needs to understand what you are going through.

If you need time apart, it may help, but I urge you to see a specialist counsellor about your abusive past. You are in danger of throwing away your future and the happiness not just of yourself but your children too.

You have a long and difficult road ahead but it is so worth it if it brings you peace and means you can firmly shut the door on both yours and his past.

Lazyjaney Tue 21-Jan-14 07:12:08

"He forced me to do things sexually and although I've briefly told my lovely dp I've never discussed it with anyone else"

That sounds like the root cause OP.

Neither your DP, The Card or the Ex is the problem.

DownstairsMixUp Mon 20-Jan-14 22:13:56

PS - you don't sound pathetic or ridiculous at all, i've had some real downers about myself before, I think most of us have! Keep us updated op!

DownstairsMixUp Mon 20-Jan-14 22:12:47

Hi OP do you think because you view his ex as unattractive and he had quite a sex life with her that it I don't know, de-values what you have together because he can perform for someone who is what you view as "unattractive?" i could be well off the mark but I had an ex friend who ended up splitting up with her boyfriend because of his ex, i never saw the ex but the way my friend described her she made out like she was some monster and she felt like what they had was nothing as her ex had "no standards" yes it sounds like a nasty thing to think and it's not nice but if it IS that then i do suggest you go to a gp for counselling because if you keep questioning him/thinking about them photos you will drive HIM mad and yourself to.

Clearly this is his past and as you say, it was tucked away so probably forgotten about, you need to work on your own self esteem and it sounds like you are taking the right steps so far. Seriously smash the thing up with your dp, do it together if you want! and good luck!

lunar1 Mon 20-Jan-14 21:58:16

Oh, I read it wrong then. I thought she had asked to look again. Please don't look at these pictures, they were taken years ago and are private. Hand the memory stick back.

Things I said and did with previous partners are private, the thought of parts of those experiences being seen in such detail and picked through would feel like such an invasion. My first boyfriend and I took some with a Polaroid camera when we were 17, after we broke up he gave me the ones he had and we burnt them all.

shey02 Mon 20-Jan-14 21:43:53

God, please take a hammer to this memory stick! It's upsetting, but it's not a deal breaker. He's done nothing bad to you, he deserves no punishment, keep remembering that, he is ticking all the boxes, don't forget that. I bet if you told him how low you feel (without necessarily mentioning the photo's/past again), I bet he'd want to boost up your confidence, tell you how much he loves you. Look at how well he takes care of you all... That is because HE IS HAPPY, with you.

Unhappy people withdraw and are disengaged. He's your husband now and has been for years and boy it seems like he really cares for you. You need someone to talk through things with it seems. Do it for yourself and before you know it you'll have been happily married for more years than he was ever with her. But find someone to talk to...

Namechanger102 Mon 20-Jan-14 21:07:43

In an earlier post, you said that the ex had behaved quite violently towards your DP. Is it possible that this might contribute towards your feelings towards her? Sometimes it can be very easy to be very angry with someone who has hurt a person we love - more angry than the hurt person is themselves iyswim.

Allergictoironing Mon 20-Jan-14 21:01:17

lunar her P didn't show her the pictures, the OP has kept the card and looked at them herself; I doubt he even knows she's looked a second time.

OP please don't use giving him the card back as a sort of test, with "if he doesn't immediately and with no suggestion from you destroy it in an extravagant way then he must still be hankering after that life" type of thinking.

By all means give him the card but at the same time ask him to destroy it, and also ask that he does it when you can see and explain that's NOT because you don't trust him, but because you know you are a little paranoid about the subject and it will make you feel more secure.

Logg1e Mon 20-Jan-14 20:58:23

You don't sound ridiculous or pathetic to me. You sound threatened and scared and on the defence. I'm wondering if all of this has reminded you of the sex acts you were forced to do in the past. You're on the attack to protect yourself, but it's not something that's going to help now, in this relationship.

I would give the memory card back to its owner. Tell him you wish you hadn't looked because it's upsetting you. Tell him you hope he destroys it, but really you know it's his to do with as he pleases.

lunar1 Mon 20-Jan-14 20:48:31

I think you need to step away from your partner until you sort these feelings out. Your hatred for his ex will not be as hidden from his ds as yo think and it is unfair for a child to be exposed such feelings towards his mum. It doesn't read as though she has done anything to you, it just seems you don't like the man your dp was when he was with her.

Your partner should not have shown you the pictures the second time, the other people in them didn't plan to share them with you, I would think less of him for doing that.

I hope you can get your cbt started soon, I would take a step back from this blended family until you can sort your thoughts out and understand why you feel the way you do.

Needadvice5 Mon 20-Jan-14 20:44:30

Thanks Logge, that's probably a really good idea, we haven't mentioned it since we first argued. He hasn't asked for it but will give it him back later when dd is in bed and see what he does, hopefully destroy it like he should have done when they separated.

Thanks AF, I think seeing it written down has made me realise how ridiculous/ pathetic I'm being.

It's his past, I'm hopefully gonna be his future,he certainly seems to want it to be like that.

Not sure Sparkly, possibly, I have no contact due to a restraining order and dc don't see him on advice of social services.

maybe its part of the problem.
I've never dealt with some of the things that happened between us.
He forced me to do things sexually and although I've briefly told my lovely dp I've never discussed it with anyone else.

I'm safe and happy now (mostly) and more importantly so are my dc.

Thanks all xxxxxx

need has all this triggered something in you about your abusive ex? Don't mix your ex up with your DP.

BOFtastic Mon 20-Jan-14 20:19:57

Bogeyface has nailed it, I think. This looks a lot like sabotaging yourself to me.

Logg1e Mon 20-Jan-14 20:12:32

Just another voice asking you not to throw away a safe and happy relationship. All good advice just now, but especially Bogey's point about if you leave your husband over this you'll be taking the problems with you.

Can you give the memory card back to your husband and ask him to throw it away?

AnyFucker Mon 20-Jan-14 19:52:52

I understand the ick factor, really I do. But this was way before you got together, love x

AnyFucker Mon 20-Jan-14 19:50:54

The I am sorry to see that you are tying yourself in knots in this way, about a decent bloke

I can only tell you my own opinion, but the only thing in a bloke's past that would be a complete deal breaker is violence, sexual violence or the use of the sex industry/prostitutes

I don't actually know what my H sexual past is like, I haven't ever asked him and I don't want to know (and vice versa)

being confronted with actual evidence of it would be an almighty shock and distressing to see, but it wouldn't be a dealbreaker

Needadvice5 Mon 20-Jan-14 19:34:12

Counselling isn't a problem,I work for the NHS ( we both do) and I can access free Bupa at any time.

I had it before after the domestic abuse with my ex and hated it, cried at every session!

He's sat playing a board game with dc at the moment and I'm in the kitchen in floods of tears ffs.

I really don't know what the fuck is wrong with me, this man is brilliant In every way and I want to separate because he's had a threesome 6 fucking years.

puts it into perspective seeing it written down.

Hi AF, you've always made sense and have pm'd me when I first left my ex....

Bogeyface Mon 20-Jan-14 19:32:29

I could be way off the mark here but something has occurred to me.

You say things were simpler with your ex, and I agree. You werent happy but at least you knew where you stood. Being treated well and with respect is so new to you that you dont know how to handle it. Then you find this memory card and instead of throwing it away and moving on, you look at it again even though you know it will hurt, you book a GU appointment that you dont need, you haul yourself over the coals every second.

ITs almost as if you are using this to abuse yourself (iykwim), because that is what you know. As if you feel safer being abused because that fits in with your own lack of self esteem. Feeling that you are shit, but being treated like a princess is hard to deal with.

Lweji Mon 20-Jan-14 19:28:21

I do think you should destruct these photos asap. You'll always have the temptation to look at them and it will destroy your relationship.

Only1scoop Mon 20-Jan-14 19:25:46

Why GU now OP? Did you ever go when you first got together? When is counselling appointment likely to come through?

Bogeyface Mon 20-Jan-14 19:19:31

Why on earth are you going through a GU exam with no evidence at all that you need it?

This has nothing to do with his previous sex life has it? You are so used to being treated like shit that yes, things were more straightforward with your ex. He treated you like utter crap and you believed you must deserve it otherwise he wouldnt do it.

With your DP, he treats you very well, loves and respects you, and you dont feel that you deserve that. You dont feel good enough for him and you expect him to leave or cheat one day when he realises that he is way above your league. you have no experience of being treated well and are therefore on tenterhooks for the day when things go back to "normal", and you are abused again.

You need counselling urgently. Could you afford to go private?

Only1scoop Mon 20-Jan-14 19:14:06

Op you sound down today. Your last post sounded quite positive regarding the pending counselling etc.
you must be wearing yourself out with all this. It's not up to you to question so intently how/why he spent x amount of years with his ex partner.... He did ....it's past ....he Chooses to be with you now..It's just not worth the energy.
How are the two of you together have you had a good discussion since finding the card?

Needadvice5 Mon 20-Jan-14 19:13:01

I know I have anxiety and paranoia issues, awaiting CBT and dp has supported me really well so far, when I'm down he will arrange for us to do something nice to try and cheer me up.

I have an appointment at the GU clinic tomorrow, even though we've been together for 2 years and I have no doubts about him ever cheating on me.

My life feels like such a shit mess, I'm sure things were more straightforward with my abusive ex!

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