Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sickening photo's

(165 Posts)
Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 17:15:07

Regular user but DP knows my usual name.

Quick back story:

Been together for 2 years, he's the one.

I have ongoing massive issues with his ex, they had separated along time before we got together and have a ds aged 7 together, she's a very difficult person and I dislike her so much for so many reasons.

He had told me they had been to fetish/swingers clubs together and had participated in threesomes at their house.

I'm very open minded but find it all a little bit seedy, but its his past so I try not to dwell on it too much.

Was clearing our shed out today and found a very well hidden photo memory card, intrigued I put it in my phone and found literally hundred's of photo's of them in various sexual positions with various different people and I feel physically sick and don't know what to say/do?

All advice great fully received!

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 18:35:43

FTR my point was that it was not a child protection issue.

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 18:37:21

Man or no man, women deserve lives of their own and happiness of their own.

Wow.

something2say Fri 17-Jan-14 18:37:55

...in a good way?

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 18:38:58

(Sorry something I just found your contribution a bit, er, obvious. And I disagreed with some of it. I should have found a far more polite way of saying that though, so I apologise).

scottishmummy Fri 17-Jan-14 18:39:24

I'm afraid if you're arguing about his ex,that's quite significant in your relationship
You said you can't accept his past.well it can't be undone.so what you going to do?
Having a niggle bout ex,not accepting past.thats surely recipe for disaster

something2say Fri 17-Jan-14 18:49:07

Um well, cheers... On with the debate!

peacefuleasyfeeling Fri 17-Jan-14 18:56:55

Poor you, that is a horrible predicament. It's a pity you can not "un-see" what you saw. To me, it sounds as if he has been very honest with you and by your own account he is a good man. Did you feel more at ease with his swinger past before you realised he had this memory card in the shed? I bet, because it was in the bag with other bits and bobs from his glove compartment, that it is quite insignificant to him and that he probably hasn't looked at it for years. For what it's worth, I'm pretty sure I have old photos of exes in various states of undress and degrees of sauciness tucked away in a box somewhere, and DP definitely has pictures of his exes in his photo albums, but more of the innocent doey eyed "look at how in love we are on holiday" variety. My point is that because we are together now, neither of us is interested in looking back. and there is no charge around it. I have a pretty checquered sexual history, but now that I'm with secure and sensible DP I couldn't give two hoots about titillating (sp?) myself with pictures of past conquests, I'm just not interested. I'm sure this is how your DP feels about you, OP. Just put the card back and appreciate him for all the reasons you have given here.

Needadvice5 Fri 17-Jan-14 19:00:58

Thank you Scottish.

I have text him to tell him I have looked at it, states he's really sorry, forgotten it was there, asked me to destroy it straight away....

I'm so mad with him, feel pathetic for maybe making a big deal but i'm just so upset.

Be back soon, need to collect my dd from an activity.

Thanks to everyone that has replied!!

FluffyJumper Fri 17-Jan-14 19:04:22

Mad with him - I don't get it, why?

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 19:08:11

Why are you angry with him? I'm not sure what he's done wrong, and I can't imagine a reaction I'd rather get than that one.

Parsley1234 Fri 17-Jan-14 19:10:12

I liked what you said something ! When I've felt insecure it is more about me than anyone else and if I feal great I can cope. Re the memory card it is his past and his ex might look great but she is his ex for a reason and re the sexual past he shared with her it is the past cannot be undone and nothing on earth Wd incite me to look at photos memory cards of anyone's as its hard to erase images from your mind. He will always have contact with his ex because of the child accept it no matter how you feal about her the child is always going to be part of his life.

Was it deliberately hidden?
Or was it lost and forgotten?

If you feel that the location you found it in tallies with his claim to have forgotten it then, yes, destroy it and move on.

Or do you think he is lying to you?

beachside Fri 17-Jan-14 19:15:41

My Granny used to tell me - if you look under stones, you'll find slugs.

lollerskates Fri 17-Jan-14 19:25:06

Just to be clear: the fact that he had a relationship with his ex makes you so angry that the mere mention of her name is enough to make you start a fight with him? Is that correct?

EverybodysStressyEyed Fri 17-Jan-14 19:39:19

Your dp was with your ex for a reason and I think the way you talk about her pretty vile. She is the mother of his son and I hope you don't argue about her in front of any of the children.

As for the memory card, just destroy it and try to forget what you saw. The past is the past and it should stay there.

Bogeyface Fri 17-Jan-14 19:44:36

what is the issue with his ex? Why do you hate her so much? I am just struggling to see why you can stand to even have her named mentioned. He is the mother of his child and will always be in your lives, if you cant be adult about it then perhaps he isnt "the one" after all.

Freyalright Fri 17-Jan-14 19:47:51

Is looking at someone's memory card the same as snooping on someone's computer, phone or camera?

It sounds like he through all his shit from his car in to a bag and stuck it in the shed. I wouldn't be mad at him. It sounds like he forgot about it.
OP it sounds like you need to work on not getting upset by the ex.

Bogeyface Fri 17-Jan-14 19:55:31

Freya if I found a memory card stuffed away somewhere I would check it, who wouldnt?

It isnt the same as snooping imo, because the OP wasnt actively looking for anything, just found it and wondered what was on it.

Nanny0gg Fri 17-Jan-14 20:03:12

what is the issue with his ex? Why do you hate her so much? I am just struggling to see why you can stand to even have her named mentioned. He is the mother of his child and will always be in your lives, if you cant be adult about it then perhaps he isn't "the one" after all.

That would be my question.
She is his ex. What does it matter what she looked like or that she is 'illiterate'. How do you feel about his DC as it's her DC too?

Jemma1111 Fri 17-Jan-14 20:12:42

Op you seem obsessed with his ex , why ?.

Can't you bear the fact that they share a child ?
Or can't you stand the fact your dp loved someone else at one point ?.

Only1scoop Fri 17-Jan-14 20:17:01

Why do you feel mad with him?
I think it's sensible that you confessed you had found it.
You say your relationship is great other than how you feel about the ex.
She is his ex for a reason. Try not to get hung up on his past.

Logg1e Fri 17-Jan-14 20:25:03

Can't you bear the fact that they share a child ?

I read it more that she can't understand how her husband once loved and was intimate with somebody who in her opinion lacks so many qualities.

msmoss Fri 17-Jan-14 20:34:35

This is your issue OP, you sound very insecure, his ex is in the past and he can't undo the things that went on between them, there is absolutely no point in arguing about their old relationship, what do you hope to gain? All that will happen is you'll push him away.

It sounds like the card was sort of lost, I wouldn't agree with the conclusion that he still looks at it from your description of where you found it, I would have been suspicious if he's said he'd destroy it.

Lweji Fri 17-Jan-14 20:35:25

She may be all that she is, but she is an ex. He is with you.
And by the look of things the card had been forgotten about.
It's not as if it was under his undies in a drawer, or disguised among other cards.
He probably did forget about it and I'd assume there had been other cards.

Don't be too hard on him.

I'd find this grim too. I hope you can both move on from her? She seems to have power over you which is sad?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now