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Too much of an age gap?

(133 Posts)
fluffyduckie Thu 16-Jan-14 19:04:17

So it isn't really an issue as it is just a crush but do you think a 20ish year age gap is too much?

LoisPuddingLane Thu 16-Jan-14 19:15:05

According to Joanie Collins, no.

TawdryTatou Thu 16-Jan-14 19:16:35

15 years between me and DP.

Not an issue. You have a relationship with a person, not a birth certificate.

something2say Thu 16-Jan-14 19:23:51

For me it would be yes. I will be 40 this year, so that either 20 or 60. I would prefer 60 to 20 definitely as I think going with someone that young reveals an issue. I am uncomfortable with age gaps like this because at either end of the spectrum lurk issues in my opinion. But we are each different and plenty of people wouldn't be bothered, I guess you have to decide for yourself.

Offred Thu 16-Jan-14 19:27:41

For me yes, agree with something2say, would think there were issues both sides.

fluffyduckie Thu 16-Jan-14 19:28:06

He is about 18ish years older than me and I have a crush on him (which is crazy as I don't know much about him!) and I don't think he knows that I am alive!

I am quite old fashioned and the age gap doesn't bother me. He really is lovely - quiet and sensible and you never hear anyone say anything bad about him.

I don't know if the age gap would make him less likely to notice me. sad

GingerPCatt Thu 16-Jan-14 19:28:55

My PILs have a 20 year gap. It us getting hard on MIL since FIL's health is going and she knows it's very likely that she will outlive him by 20 or so years. But they've been married (at least usually happy) for over 40 years

fluffyduckie Thu 16-Jan-14 20:14:46

I never really thought much about age gaps (just assumed I would end up with someone around my own age) until I met this man and his age doesn't bother me at all. I think my friends would comment and maybe my family and maybe the gap would bother him ...... or I am just invisible to him!

CogitoErgoSometimes Thu 16-Jan-14 21:16:00

The worst thing about age-gaps IME is that the terms of reference can be all wrong. Being a bit of an old codger with an 'eighties' provenance I want to be able to watch an old rerun of Wham! on TV and not have to explain to my partner that.... no, I'm not kidding you, that really is the same George Michael from the Comic Relief sketches and, what do you mean, even with that hairdo we didn't twig he was gay?

fluffyduckie Thu 16-Jan-14 21:28:21

Hadn't thought about the terms of reference .... I am 28 and he is in his 40s but I am not sure if my own reference is true to my age.

Lweji Thu 16-Jan-14 21:36:42

Cog. grin

ALittleStranger Thu 16-Jan-14 21:43:12

For me, it would be too much. And I think there is such a narrow window where a 20 year old age gap could function. Too young and it's not going to work and there's a risk of a power imbalance, too old and the younger person becomes a carer.

nickymanchester Thu 16-Jan-14 21:46:25

My dh is 13 years older than me and we have generally had a very good relationship and have two lovely dcs.

One thing I would say is that I don't know how old you are currently and a lot of people change during their 20s. Certainly the person I was in my early 20s was very different to the person I was in my late 20s when I met my dh - he was in his early 40s at the time.

So, I certainly know that it can work, but long term success really depends on how likely you are to change in the future. If he's that much older than you then he probably won't change much in the future - so don't go thinking that you can change him at all - very unlikely to happen.

WipsGlitter Thu 16-Jan-14 21:46:31

One person I know has a husband 20 years older. He has a youthful outlook on life which I think helps. Another friends husband is 15/16 years older. They have young children which I think helps keep him on his toes!

AnyFucker Thu 16-Jan-14 21:48:03

whaaaaat

George Micheal is gay ?

Tell me it's not so

nickymanchester Thu 16-Jan-14 21:48:04

fluffy

Sorry that was a x post. I see that you are the same age I was when I met my dh.

All I can say is that it worked for us. And yes the difference in references is correct. Although we usually end up taking the mick out of each other about it.

oversomeniagara Thu 16-Jan-14 21:52:54

I've heard formula for determining whether an age gap is socially acceptable is half your age + 7.

WingDefence Thu 16-Jan-14 21:55:25

There's 16 years difference between me and DH and it's fine. He's young for his age (early 50s) in appearance and behaviour and I've always felt older than my years grin but we have young children (5 and 9 months) and I think that helps to keep him on his toes!

I get sad the most when I think of the years I never knew him ie in his 20s and 30s when I'd have loved to have grown up with him but I don't really think about the 'what ifs' of the future as we could have another 30-40 years together and even younger people are tragically widowed at relatively early ages.

Obviously I take the mick out of his love of 70s prog rock on a regular basis wink

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Thu 16-Jan-14 21:57:43

AF & Cog grin

over is that half the older partners age plus seven?

oversomeniagara Thu 16-Jan-14 21:59:06

That's to determine the youngest you can go without raising eyebrows. To find out oldest, just reverse it.

It is obviously highly scientific!

TheTitleSaysItAllReally Thu 16-Jan-14 22:00:31

Reverse it? Double it then take away seven?

Well there are 12 years between DH and I. There was 26 years between my mum and dad. They were together for 40 years and married for 34 years when my dad died. My dad was 54 when I was born. He was a brilliant dad.
Go for it. Life is too short too worry about this.

oversomeniagara Thu 16-Jan-14 22:02:27

Yeah...Sorry I'm v bad at explaining 'mathematical' stuff. You can look at this handy graph en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Half-age-plus-seven-relationship-rule.svg

neiljames77 Thu 16-Jan-14 22:03:42

Bruce Forsyth seems happy enough.

oversomeniagara Thu 16-Jan-14 22:03:45

(As in I'm shit at maths and get easily confused/ second guess myself, not to be patronising with offer of graph..)

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