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Can I forgive affairs?

(42 Posts)
golfwidow53 Tue 14-Jan-14 23:08:57

Hi, I'm new to this so hope I don't go on too much but basically I found out my husband had an 18 month affair with a work colleague, when she messaged me on FB 9 months after it ended! It's now over a year since I found out and things have been difficult but my HB is trying his hardest to make things up to me! The OW gave me the name of another girl she was sure he had also had a relationship with and recently I contacted her as it was playing on my mind! Sure enough she confirmed they had sex a few times but not really a full affair. This seems to be around the same time things started with the OW!
Both said they would not be surprised if there were more and I am going mad wondering if I should try and find out or accept that thing's are better in our marriage recently and he has since changed his job and is not away so much.
We have been married 20 years ( happily, I thought!) and have a 14 year old DS.
I still love him and just want my life back!! Has anyone else managed to continue their marriage after so much deceit?
My DH is treating me very well and is very remorseful for his behaviour.

Dontlaugh Tue 14-Jan-14 23:11:55

What has he said himself about his alleged multiple affairs?
Is this what you deserve in a loving relationship? No, I would think. There will be others with much better advice than me I am sure, but perhaps assessing your legal and financial situation would not be a bad idea right now.
Also was it unprotected sex? Clinic visit.

Twinklestein Tue 14-Jan-14 23:25:42

Remorseful doesn't mean he'll stop though, and he may just be remorseful he was found out.

I think you need to figure out if this has been going on for the last 20 years and if he has thus put you at risk of long term complications of untreated STIs.

You can't ever have your 'life back' because he is not who you thought, the question is do you want a life with the real him?

golfwidow53 Tue 14-Jan-14 23:31:40

As soon as I heard from the OW I had all the tests done at the doctors! I know he did have some unprotected sex as she told me she had a miscarriage, although he denies that she did.
I don't think he would have had any affairs as such before these 2 as he had never worked away before but he was getting to be away more and more and for longer. Of course he was driving all the way to the OWs flat but couldn't make it home to us! He had to drive past the turning to our town to get to her!

Dontlaugh Tue 14-Jan-14 23:45:47

He's lying about unprotected sex, and lying about a miscarriage (easy to prove if OW wishes), he passed his own house to get to his mistress. He's has 2 OW at the same time, on the go.
Tell me, what are his redeeming features? Truly?

WallyBantersJunkBox Tue 14-Jan-14 23:51:12

So rather than spend an evening after work with his son, he drives past your house for a quick shag?

That makes me feel so sad.

All this unprotected sex, miscarriages etc. Aren't you waiting for someone to turn up with a child one day?

Will the relationship only work if he comes home every night for his tea? What happens if he gets sent on a conference, or gets stuck in traffic without a mobile. How nauseous and distressed are you going to feel?

So sorry op, this is such a huge thing to cope with. thanks

tawse57 Wed 15-Jan-14 00:12:26

The OW put you in touch with the other woman who also is supposed to have had an affair - both then told you that they suspect that your HB has had others?

Has he admitted to having more than just one affair with more women than the OW? How did the OW know of the second woman and how did they both know about others?

I was just wondering whether the OW is scorned that he did not leave you for her and has perhaps got one of her friends to lie to you, to mess with your head and put the idea of your HB having numerous affairs in your mind.

There are some really nasty women out there who would do this kind of thing. The miscarriage thing could be a lie on her part also.

Yes, one affair with the OW is terrible - I feel for you - and my concerns echo much of what other posters have already said. But is it not possible that he has just had one affair with this OW and she, now scorned that he has stayed with you, has decided to make up lies about him having numerous affairs and also having had a miscarriage herself?

I wish you all the best.

TaraKnowles Wed 15-Jan-14 00:24:32

tawse so if he's just had one affair with a woman bonkers enough to lie about a miscarriage and to get her friends roped in, well that's OK then.

tawse57 Wed 15-Jan-14 00:26:15

@TaraKnowles - 'tawse so if he's just had one affair with a woman bonkers enough to lie about a miscarriage and to get her friends roped in, well that's OK then.'

I didn't say. Try reading and undertanding posts before you jump in and bite people's heads off.

tawse57 Wed 15-Jan-14 00:26:53

Oops, typo.

'I didn't say.' = I didn't say that.

TaraKnowles Wed 15-Jan-14 00:41:08

I didn't bite your head off. It just seemed that you would rather say ow was derranged rather than dh was bad. It takes a bad dh to get a derranged ow. That's all.

Tonandfeather Wed 15-Jan-14 01:13:22

No way.

I've heard some ludicrous explanations for men's terrible behaviour in my time, but inventing conspiracies between women who allegedly get their kicks from lying about being involved with a married man is deranged thinking.

Even your awful husband doesn't seem to be that far gone poster, but as he isn't denying having unprotected sex and can't possibly disprove that a woman had a miscarriage, accusing a woman he was in a relationship for 18 months of lying is obnoxious behaviour.

I think it's likely there are more skeletons in this closet, but 2 simultaneous extra marital affairs and no protection used is bad enough.

Don't you think you're worth more than this?

tawse57 Wed 15-Jan-14 01:24:43

There are plenty of scorned women in the world who, not having got the man to leave the life, have conjoured up all kinds of lies to try and get the wife to leave him.

I am not saying this is the case here. I am saying it is a possibility.

It is something for the OP to consider and to get to the bottom of. The OP might forgive one affair but, quite rightly, not numerous affairs.

Wouldn't it be awful if all the other affairs turned out to be lies made up by a Mistress scorned who didn't get the man? If the OW has lied about all the other affairs and the OP does leave her husband then the OW wins doesn't she - she gets what she wanted all along.

Bottom line, the OP should not be believing a single word the OW says - listen, take it in but think long and hard about what the agenda of the OW is in saying these things.

After all, the OW DOES NOT have the best interests of the OP at heart does she. When the OW was sleeping with the OP's husband - sorry OP - the OW did not care about the OP or the OP's DC. But now that the OP's husband the OW have split up along comes the OW wanting to warn the OP about all these alleged affairs? Isn't that suspicious?

Hang on, why wasn't the OW peeved off with the husband when she was sleeping with him - wasn't he supposed to be having other affairs at the same time also.

Doesn't sound right OP. Sorry. Be very careful what this OW and her friend tell you.

Best of luck OP. I hope you get through this and go on to have a happy life.

Tonandfeather Wed 15-Jan-14 01:48:38

You talk about men like this as though they are a prize worth winning.

They are not.

You also assume for some reason that every woman who has an affair with a married man actually WANTS him to leave his wife.

They do not.

It's more likely that if the two women knew about eachother, they were willing to have some no strings sex with someone who wouldn't expect commitment from them, or be in a position to give it to them.

If the woman who miscarried got no support from him, it's quite possible that it took her a few months to get over her child's loss and then started thinking straight.

You must have a really terrible opinion of women if you think they can really corral their friends into pretending to an innocent woman that they had sex with her husband and that they were just two of many.

justgivein Wed 15-Jan-14 06:26:12

Op I know of four marriages that have survived such deceit, one being my Parents .I think of your son with his exams maybe worth giving your husband another chance.Good luck.

meditrina Wed 15-Jan-14 06:31:24

Could you clarify, when you quoted the description of his apparent new interest as 'another girl', how old is this child?

For if there is any chance she is under age (16 or 18 if your DH stands in a defined position of responsibility to her), then the potential seriousness is considerably more.

golfwidow53 Wed 15-Jan-14 10:35:19

Thanks for all your comments and I can see there are two ways of looking at it! The OW is most definitely annoyed that he didn't leave me for her as she has fed me lots of details about where, when etc! The other girl, as I call her was 28 at the time and she also worked with my DH but I wouldn't say the two of them were friends as she had only recently joined the company. Neither is attractive, infact the OW is positively revolting, common, sluttish, but isn't that what men want in the bedroom?!! I think he tried it out with the first one then moved on to the OW when he thought she might be more exciting, willing, adventurous etc but she got in deep and he couldn't get out. He has said he never intended leaving us and it just got out of hand & in the end he was afraid what she might do! which she has done now anyway!!

golfwidow53 Wed 15-Jan-14 10:41:37

wallybanters, I agree with you, it is extremely hard when he is away and I wonder if I can ever trust again! Infact I question everything anyone says these days!!

Jan45 Wed 15-Jan-14 10:48:11

Eugh, so it was her sluttiness that attracted him - what does that say about his standards, has he actually got any?

I would doubt very much that he has only been this way with these two woman, he's probably been doing it for years and just got away with it, he appears to have a problem with being in a monogamous relationship where mutual respect is the order of the day. He may love you but it's a strange love, if I was you, I'd be looking for someone that could give me the basics, this guy seems incapable, if you want to mumsy him and spy on him for the rest of the relationship, then that's your decision, don't you think you'd be happier with a man that actually had some morals?

TurnipCake Wed 15-Jan-14 10:48:43

'Common, revolting, sluttish' He still chose to fuck her for 18 months.

These are two that you know about.

And of course he's going to be remorseful. He stands to lose the nice comfy life he's used to with you. He also wants the bit on the side.

Where's your anger?

Decco Wed 15-Jan-14 10:50:47

Read Chumplady.com. So sorry you are dealing with this. Have been through similar and can safely say I am coming out the other end, happier than my stbxh. Good luck

golfwidow53 Wed 15-Jan-14 11:19:41

Decco, does that mean you broke up in the end or managed to stay together?
I have been extremely angry, shouting, crying , the whole thing!! Also tried not thinking about it, speaking for 3 months with a counsellor, who I am seeing again tomorrow!!
will the thoughts ever go away?

WallyBantersJunkBox Wed 15-Jan-14 11:44:47

And how is his counseling going op?

Is he dealing with his issues?

golfwidow53 Wed 15-Jan-14 11:55:29

He has not seen a counsellor but he seems like the person I married again! I think he has had a big wake up call and as Turnipcake pointed out he doesn't want to loose his comfortable home, golf club, love of his DS etc!
Why does part of me still need to know more!???

WallyBantersJunkBox Wed 15-Jan-14 11:59:11

So he doesn't need counseling? Is that his opinion?

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