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He took DD to meet OW without telling me.

(40 Posts)
Marymoo73 Tue 14-Jan-14 13:13:47

OK, I kicked him out when I found out about the second affair. Have let him see DD (3.5)as much as he wants to. Have been so damn reasonable about the shit he has thrown my way since he left. He announced 2 weeks before Xmas that he would be moving in with OW and her son at the end of Jan, approx 100 miles away from DD. We talked and agreed (or so I thought) about access, how DD would be introduced gently, no big shocks etc. Sunday, he arrives back late with DD, who announces "I've been to house". They had spent the day there. Not a word to me. I am bloody furious. He cant see the problem as "You knew it would be happening at some point" He's never been the most upfront of people and lying is pretty much second nature, but something this important I would have at least expected to be consulted about. AIBU here...just need a sanity check please sad

Applecrabs Tue 14-Jan-14 23:51:30

I'm so sorry this is happening to you OP. That's the difference between how you see things (focusing on DD) and how he sees things (focusing on himself).
There's nothing wrong with expecting him to prioritise his daughter, however I'm sure he will make it more awkward than necessary for now, it will be about easing his conscious rather than the bigger picture.
It won't be like this for ever, all you can do is your best, that will always be good enough for dd. Best of luck and keep posting, I, for one, have been there.

olathelawyer05 Tue 14-Jan-14 23:47:44

"Flowerpot, if one of my parents cheated on the other, I would feel cheated...."

'Feelings', although relevant to each of us, are not facts. Your cheating parent has not cheated on YOU, simply because YOU feel cheated.

If this guy was going to introduce daughter to his new GF, then yes he should have been prepared to do the explaining. If he didn't do this, then that's a parenting failure on his part. That being said, there's nothing to be done about it now really.

Sasquatch75 Tue 14-Jan-14 23:26:00

This happened to me and my DCs, eldest is 7. Exh left and moved in with the ow and her kids (7 and 9) within a month. He took our DCs to her house 7 weeks after leaving - the DCs told me, not exh. Eldest cried his eyes out when he realised who 'she' actually was and that daddy had been lying about getting his own place. Hate exh for that as the DCs were so excited about having sleepovers at daddy's house. He rarely has them on his own - his gf and her kids are there most of the time.

Basically, I just keep telling the DCs that both daddy and mummy love them loads. They still ask me why daddy doesn't love mummy anymore and why he's living with her. Eldest even said to exh that he left because he didn't like them anymore! How awful is that! But I can see why he might think that... Exh left our family and moved in with another. What a shit head.

anxiousnow Tue 14-Jan-14 22:16:12

OP, I agree he should have discussed it with you. You state that you had both already agreed that anything should be taken slowly. That was his opportunity to say if he didn't agree rather than slyly pretend to agree then do exact opposite. It bugs me so much (as I have stated before) that the original partners have to put their hurt aside and act so responsibly or be accused of trying to control or use children, yet the cheating dishonest party is told they are an equal parent and can do what they like. Even if not in best interests of the child.

Having an affair is not in the best interests of anyone. If possible, children need two secure loving parents, both doing the best for DCs. Even if they cannot stay together, totally devastating one and all the deceit it entails, isn't helping the kids in anyway. Cheats do not just cheat on the W/H, the whole family is affected, the DCs, Grandparents, in-laws, close friends. The very least your H should have done was called you to say he had rethought your agreement and would like an introduction. SOrry he is continuing the dishonest pattern he had while you were together OP. Hope your little girl adjusts well.

Lweji Tue 14-Jan-14 16:51:03

I think you'll have to get used to him backtracking, lying and so on.
He has been lying his way for years, so why should it change now?

I've had exH send a message on the same day saying he's going to ring DS and then be silent and no contact.

Just keep contact stable and establish rules regarding times. What happens on his end, unless you think it's abusive, it's his responsibility and I'd stay out as much as possible.
He'll only tell you what you want to hear at the time and then do what he wants.

MostWicked Tue 14-Jan-14 15:35:25

if one of my parents cheated on the other, I would feel cheated. I would feel hurt and betrayed on behalf of that parent. It would affect me and that's what people are referring to.

But a 3.5yr old shouldn't even know that one parent has cheated or even comprehend what cheating means.

OP, I can see that this would be difficult, but I think you are going to have to let this one go. What he did was annoying, simply because he should have been more considerate that it could be confusing for a small child, but I doubt he would even understand that.

Marymoo73 Tue 14-Jan-14 15:30:16

Thanks for your replies. I will ensure I firm up the contact pattern Offred, so at least there is some structure for dd going forward.

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 15:12:41

See making it easy on dd would mean talking to her mum about this introduction. That doesn't equate to needing permission for it but it is something the child is going to have feelings about and given she lives with her mum something her mum should have been able to prepare her for.

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi Tue 14-Jan-14 15:10:55

Also you said you were tired of being reasonable about changes he wants to make? I think that's fair enough and while it's good to be reasonable and amicable it has to go both ways so don't agree to any changes you aren't happy with or will inconvenience you more than you'd like

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi Tue 14-Jan-14 15:08:13

I can totally see why this is so hard for you, it's a horrible position to be in and I'm sorry you're having to deal with it

But I do think when where and how he introduced the gf was up to him. I don't think you should have been consulted, though that goes both ways and any introductions you might make are entirely up to you. As someone said earlier if you try it control that side of things you will be fighting a losing battle and it will only make things harder for you

I hope he makes things as easy as possible on your dd from now on and that she copes well with all the new changes

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 15:06:50

I think you need to agree a regular contact pattern and if he says he can't make it just shrug casually and say "oh dear, that's a shame, would you like to talk to dd? Will see you next <arranged time>"

Marymoo73 Tue 14-Jan-14 15:03:44

I'd just like to reiterate Flowerpot, I have not called him an uncaring parent and associated that with his affairs. Thats not the point of my post. I just wanted a sanity check on the way he's dropped my DD into a new situation after he promised he wouldnt and hopefully some guidance on how to deal with it.

hotblacktea Tue 14-Jan-14 15:02:34

He may be a selfish twat, but there's not a lot you can do here unfortunately.

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 14:59:09

No I don't think that either but sometimes, and I think the evidence suggests it may be true in this case, the reasons you have an affair are the same things which cause you to be a bad parent.

It sounds like how he's been with dd is quite selfish and disruptive tbh which is only associated with the fact he had an affair because that was also an example of him being selfish and disruptive.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 14-Jan-14 14:56:17

No, but selfish git = unloving parent

flowerpotgirl12 Tue 14-Jan-14 14:54:46

offred I understand what you're saying and do agree. I however still don't agree that an affair = unloving bad parent.

Tonandfeather Tue 14-Jan-14 14:52:06

Exactly. It's like when divorcing parents have more children. Older children can feel very pushed out if it's not handled sensitively. This guy's other children might have felt like that too. Double whammy now he's moved even further away from them too. Have they been invited to visit?

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 14:50:12

So priorities for parents who split up in whatever way should be stabilising their lives, having stable contact with their dc and good communication/co-operative parenting with their ex and when things have settled down you can start acclimatising the dc to your new life, whatever that may be.

BitOutOfPractice Tue 14-Jan-14 14:48:32

Flowerpot I'd say that someone who puts their own needs first, moves 100 miles away from his child to get his end away, and is a liar and a cheat is, by that very definition, an uncaring parent.

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 14:47:10

I can see what you are trying to say flowerpot but there is no telling how long they will be together or how many new gf's and new houses dd will have to visit if he jumps straight in.

When parents split up children usually feel a bit insecure about their position in their parents' lives - 'daddy said he loved mummy but now he doesn't, has he stopped loving me too?' Kind of a thing. That the new gf also has a child may be even more difficult for dd because it might make her wonder if he left her and her mum because he likes the gf and her child better than he likes her.

This can be made much worse my a parent who has left getting all gung-ho about making a new life with a new family. The best way to deal with it is to help make the dc secure in their relationship with you and your place in their life/theirs in yours now things have changed before you start introducing new people,

Tonandfeather Tue 14-Jan-14 14:42:49

As usual, a woman who'd moved 100 miles away from her children (two lots by the looks) had multiple affairs and kept letting her children down by backing out of arrangements, would be treated very differently by other women. Terrible double standards. Yet first wives left with the main care of the children are told they've got to put up with it for some reason. Men left with the children wouldn't be told that, or told off for being angry. Massive sexism at play here.

Are you divorced and have you got a contact agreement? What about the financial agreement too?

The best way to deal with questions from your daughter is not to lie, but also say 'i don't know' if you can't answer something.

ToffeeOwnsTheSausage Tue 14-Jan-14 14:42:16

Poor child. She should have been prepared not thrown in at the deep end. What a twat.

flowerpotgirl12 Tue 14-Jan-14 14:41:42

I am in no wat saying that the cheating is correct and obviously as the partner you would feel devastated. i am saying it doesn't make him an automatic bad father. your dd is very young and he has introduced his new partner so as time goes bye she will only know them as a couple and not remember that you and her dad where together, , therefore it is the most fair thing fot your dd is to accept what has happened, answer any questions or refer them to her dad and not show bitterness in front of your dd.

CarryOnDancing Tue 14-Jan-14 14:33:04

Flowerpot, if one of my parents cheated on the other, I would feel cheated. I would feel hurt and betrayed on behalf of that parent. It would affect me and that's what people are referring to.

He has cheated on his family. He has treated the mother badly and is therefore showing disrespectful behaviour to them both. It is his equal job as a parent to teach the child how to act and behave by example. He's failed to do that.

I do think OP that considering it past this point is the sure road to madness. If you can't talk to him and work together as a unit then you need to protect yourself. You need to be matter of fact with your daughter and explain the situation in a general term, whilst remaining respectful about her Father.

She will make up her own mind about him in due course. Right now the only one thing you can do is remain honest with your DD and as absolutely horrible as it is, normalise the situation to some extent as she's too young to let her mind get caught up in it.
The last thing you want is for her to feel stuck in the middle.

I'm so sorry you are faced with this situation. I really doubt there is any better to deal with it then you are already doing.

Marymoo73 Tue 14-Jan-14 14:31:35

smile Lweji.
I wouldnt say (and havent as far as I am aware) that he is a bad father, flowerpot, he simply puts his needs above everyone else. Our relationship (as far as I was aware) was fine. He started having affairs when DD was 5 mths old. He's further away from work, his DD and DS (from previous marriage). The move is foremost based on his financial issues. The moving in part isnt the issue I have, its that he makes promises about doing the right thing by DD then promptly does what he likes and leaves me to sort out the fallout.

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