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Is he out of order or am I too clingy?

(89 Posts)
Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:19:22

I'm totally fed up with my relationship. My partner never wants to do anything with me, would rather spend hours playing battlefield whilst I sit in the living room alone then spend any time with me. I feel like he's just using me to help him pay the mortgage and as someone to travel with. Whenever I bring up marriage he shuts down, says his last one was traumatic and he can't think about that for years (I do however have suspicions that this is simply him financially protecting himself) and despite how many times I've asked him to name me on the mortgage and him saying he will sort it out he still hasn't after a year of living here and me paying half of it saying its "awkward" and would cost us money we could spend on other things.
He went away with work Monday morning to return this evening. Sunday night we'd arranged to watch a movie together - it got to 9pm and he finally drags himself off battlefield and says we might not have time for the movie now as he still hasn't sorted anything out for his trip. He'd had ALL DAY (I was at work all day and kids at their dads, he had the house to himself!). Like I say he'd rather play on battlefield. He begrudgingly comes to watch the movie half hour later and it turned out to have tons of marriage references in it. It just upsets me, he won't even talk about it. So anyway he says he'll call me from his hotel room last night. It got to 11.30pm so I sent him a text saying "take it I'm not getting this phone all then? Goodnight anyway" no reply but I could see he'd read it. I couldn't sleep and it is out of character for him to ignore a text so I called him, no reply. I sent another text saying "are you ignoring me or what? At least let me know you're ok" (as I said, out of character) and still no reply.
Am I just a mug or what? To add insult to injury I stumbled across a load of pics and videos of his ex wife on the computer last night, even a video of her walking around topless. I feel like I'm flogging a dead horse.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 10:24:17

Life's far too short to spend it with someone that doesn't care if you exist or not. He has no intention of marriage, no plans to put you on the mortgage, happy to take your money in the meantime and moon over his exW. How insulting. This horse is no more. It has ceased to be, It's expired & gone to meet its maker. A stiff. Bereft of life.... Put your whip away and give it a decent burial.

brusslesprout Tue 14-Jan-14 10:25:21

How old is he? I'm a bit wary of guys who play computer games all day as it screams immaturity to me.

Doesn't sound as if he is very committed to you with regards to the mortgage. Do you ever do things together as a couple?

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 10:25:53

I think you are flogging a dead horse. There is no way I'd be paying for a mortgage on a house that wasn't mine without marriage. If he wants you to pay for his house he needs to put you on the mortgage.

However, realistically it sounds as though he is using you and has little respect for you. I can't see what you get out of this relationship at all and I think you should chalk the mortgage payments up to experience and move out ASAP.

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 10:28:08

You feel like you're flogging a dead horse because you are.

Why do you bother? Surely having no-one is better than someone who makes you feel irrelevant.

Helltotheno Tue 14-Jan-14 10:28:15

Yes in the nicest possible way, you're a mug. Run like hell and don't look back....

AngelaDaviesHair Tue 14-Jan-14 10:29:21

He's completely detached from you and very unkind.

'Am I flogging a dead horse' is not quite the right question, to me. 'Any reason I should stick around?' would be better. Can you think of any reasons, OP? Because I think you deserve better than this.

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:30:10

I feel like giving him an ultimatum. I want to be on the mortgage by the end of February and engaged by the end of the year - alternatively I feel like I should have to force the issue. If he wanted it like he should - he'd do something about it himself.

From "forcing" him to watch movies with me to "forcing" him to come out with me to "forcing" him into marriage ... Bollocks to that, I'm worth more, I know I am

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:31:05

Shouldn't have to force the issue I meant

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 10:35:02

I think giving him an ultimatum is only going to be humiliating for you tbh.

I would take control of your own life and simply sack him off. I don't think he really cares about you very much, either that or he's stonkingly self absorbed and incapable of providing the care necessary to maintain a relationship. He sounds still hung up on his ex. Staying any longer is not advisable and giving him an ultimatum will not work.

CogitoErgoSometimes Tue 14-Jan-14 10:36:20

A good relationship isn't characterised by ultimatums and arm-twisting tactics. 'Ask me to marry you or else... ' Just how secure would you feel after that kind of start? hmm All you get from being on the mortgage btw is a lingering liability for the outstanding debt long after you've moved out. I could be wrong but I don't think it confers ownership

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:37:34

See another thing, in all the time we've been together I don't think he's ever bought me anything. I'm not one for expecting lavish gifts but he's on good money, good responsible job and I can't recall one thing he's ever bought me just because. He got me a £5 orchid from asda after me nagging for it for weeks and at christmas I asked for a onsie, the one I wanted was from next for £25. He ordered me one from ebay instead and I can't wear it because the material causes a rash. Why not just get me the one I asked for? Am I not worth £25?
Then it cuts me to the bone when I see this pictures of his ex with a huge sparkly engagement ring and necklaces etc he'd bought her - he even bought her a bloody horse yet says I can't have a dog!!

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 10:37:42

If you're reaching the point of ultimatums the relationship is pretty damaged/dead but they will only ever have an effect where the person actually cares about losing you.

I think this is looking at it the wrong way, he's not making you happy or fulfilling your needs so why exactly do you want to keep him so much that you'd get drawn into texts battles about phone calls and ultimatums about mortgages and marriage?

I wouldn't give an ultimatum. What if he says yeah sure, we'll be engaged by the end of the year -- then you spend the whole year waiting to see if it actually happens. Fuck that.

He knows well enough you want to get married but he doesn't want to. He knows you want to spend time with him but he doesn't bother. I'm sorry but I don't think he can truly care about you and still act this way.

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:40:01

No I agree, if he asked me to marry him after an ultimatum I'd spend the marriage thinking/knowing he never really wanted it. Then of course if he ever cheats he can throw it at me that he never wanted marriage in the first place

Kewcumber Tue 14-Jan-14 10:40:27

You want to be on the mortgage and tied to him!? shock

Seriously?!

I've been through break ups - I know how bad they can be and how much you don't want to accept that its over. But you know this behaviour isn;t going to change if you are on teh mortgage and/or married to him, don;t you? Surely you do really.

If he caves under pressure, in 5 years years time you'll be back on here saying "I have two small children and my DH couldn't be less interested in me, I don't think he loves me at all and I doubt her ever did"

In your position I would be saying to him "I'm sorry this relationship isn't working for me any more I'm going to leave and rent on my own". And start again with a new partner who actually like you and want to be with you.

teaandthorazine Tue 14-Jan-14 10:41:52

Why do you want to marry this man?

Offred Tue 14-Jan-14 10:42:12

Exactly, but you are still making this all about him. Does that betray the state of your relationship more generally? Is everything all about him because essentially he doesn't particularly care about you and you care about/for him?

You need to be thinking more about you?

What is he giving to you and your life?

Do you want to be with someone like him forever?

Are there any signs at all that this man loves you?

Any?

I think you should keep your dignity and move on.

It is nice for him though, have a live in cleaner and cook, who pays his mortgage for him. Thats what you are. Sorry.

xxMrsCxx Tue 14-Jan-14 10:45:47

I would get out BEFORE he finally decides to marry you .... Will be a whole lot harder to walk away then! Run and keep running I would say, he doesn't deserve you x

bdbfan Tue 14-Jan-14 10:45:52

Why would you want to marry him? He sounds like an arse. get out now, you deserve someone who wants to be in a partnership with you; who adores you and who will go to the ends of the earth to make you happy. This is not that guy.

curlew Tue 14-Jan-14 10:46:54

Why do you want to marry him?

Gladys71 Tue 14-Jan-14 10:49:03

I suppose I want him to ask me to marry him because I want to know he genuinely loves me that much. I love him and I feel like a total bloody mug because I know deep down the love is not mutual, despite what he says. Anyone can say "I love you" but it's the actions you look for isn't it

AngelaDaviesHair Tue 14-Jan-14 10:50:33

Gladys, hand on heart, do you really think this mean, grudging man is the best you can do? Do you honestly think this is the best relationship you can get?

What do you get out of this so called relationship now?.

Why have you paid half towards a mortgage that is not even yours?.

Why do you value your own self so low that you have put up with this from him for so long?. You are to him nothing more than a housekeeper.

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