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Cheating .... should she know ?

(105 Posts)
smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 15:42:55

Hi
New here so please be gentle

I recently started a casual relationship with a really fun guy - it was a good friendship as well as the rest.... However I found out he is married !

We are not longer together, for me he betrayed my friendship and broke the fragile trust I had in guys.

Anyway my question is do I tell his wife ? I know with certainty he has seen women before me and within a week was seeing someone else. I also found out he is bi and seeks to meet guys with his new woman for bi fun 3sums.

He has 2 children and from what I can gather his home life is good - this is all about the thrill for him.

Can I have your thoughts please ? I am feeling partly pee'd because of his lies to me, I feel guilty even though I didnt know and I feel annoyed he can just move on to another without a thought ...

perfectstorm Tue 14-Jan-14 13:09:06

I've never read such tosh regarding the outrage here over the use of Bunny Boiler. Misogynist? Offensive to women? Christ what kind of ivory towers are you living in???

Every single woman I know in life would hold the same view on the term. It's nasty and it's sexist - that's the world we live in, sure, but why on earth should we collude in it?

I'm sorry you find the concept of being disagreed with so personally difficult, as that must make life a real challenge for you, but I'm afraid it's unreasonable to expect us all to alter our views to reassure you that your own are correct.

As for you Leaven I too wonder about the motives of someone who can say.*I don't give a stuff whether the OP tells or doesn't'* but who keeps coming back to take other posters to task who happen to have differing opinions.

I suggest you reread your own posts, in that case.

No he is very lax re protection. Only used with me because insisted and reminded him.

Again: I would want to know. If she doesn't, she can tell herself that you're just crazy and after her pearl of a man. But you are at least giving her the option.

Tonandfeather Tue 14-Jan-14 13:14:23

Surely the people who don't get why bunny boiler is a horrible term are the ones who live in ivory towers, not the people who actually live in the real world and who get out more? If I used that term at work or in company, I would be pulled up on it. It's no different to slut or slag, like a pp said. Besides anything, it's an inaccurate term for what the poster is thinking of doing. She's not talking about assaulting his wife, children or pets because he stayed with them and finished with the poster. She finished with HIM and proposes letting his wife know in a calm way.

Some of the posts having a go at the poster for not getting to know the guy better before she got involved are I'm sure just the usual judgemental bullcrap women get for having casual sex with relative strangers. I don't think a guy posting would get that sort of crap.

It's good you're getting yourself checked out. I'd tell his wife for her health reasons too. This guy is into risky sex and would ditch protection if he could get away with it.

smilingeyes79 Tue 14-Jan-14 15:01:12

If I decide to tell her, how do you think would be best ?

I know where they live but I dont have home or wifes number. I know its been suggested to tell her face to face.
I am not so sure it would be a good idea to just turn up at her home, she works full time so when she is home so are the children. Its a real personal in your face invasion of the place she feels safe.

Oh I wish I had never met him

Tonandfeather Tue 14-Jan-14 15:13:17

Can you do a bit of webwork and find out where she works? Is she on LinkedIn for example? You might find a contact number on there so you can speak to her and ask to meet her after work, or at a time/place of her choosing. If she asks you to tell all on the phone, do check she's got someone supportive close by.

smilingeyes79 Tue 14-Jan-14 17:40:59

Thank you

I will add that to my thinking... Not just if I tell but how.

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