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Cheating .... should she know ?

(105 Posts)
smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 15:42:55

Hi
New here so please be gentle

I recently started a casual relationship with a really fun guy - it was a good friendship as well as the rest.... However I found out he is married !

We are not longer together, for me he betrayed my friendship and broke the fragile trust I had in guys.

Anyway my question is do I tell his wife ? I know with certainty he has seen women before me and within a week was seeing someone else. I also found out he is bi and seeks to meet guys with his new woman for bi fun 3sums.

He has 2 children and from what I can gather his home life is good - this is all about the thrill for him.

Can I have your thoughts please ? I am feeling partly pee'd because of his lies to me, I feel guilty even though I didnt know and I feel annoyed he can just move on to another without a thought ...

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:03:56

How ever do I approach this woman and start unravelling her world in front of her ?

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 17:10:51

After reading your other posts OP, I'd be telling her just to knock the bloke down a peg. Does sound like the type to talk himself out of it though - bet the wife knows already on some level.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:10:57

Cosy
I have no desire to hurt anymore than he is. If I do this I want to be able to give her print outs so she has physical evidence because he will try and wriggle and then leave it up to her

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:12:38

Rosencrantz
He needs it. I dare say he will wriggle out of it, he is so confident and can lie without blinking

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 17:18:01

Then do it OP. I would. Tell her.

Jaffacakesallround Mon 13-Jan-14 17:18:24

Revenge is never a good thing. You're hurt, feel duped and want to get your own back.

Don't. It will be his word against yours. And even with 'evidence' she might blame you.

Bunny boilers - not nice.

Lj8893 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:20:18

I would tell her but be prepared for some backlash.

When I was younger I met a guy and we shared a few kisses and a couple of dates, I was then told by a mutaal friend that he had a long term girlfriend. I asked him and he admitted that yes he did but wasent happy etc etc. I knocked it on the head but he kept on trying it on everytime I saw him out and about.
One evening he was out with his gf who must have noticed something was up as she came and asked me if I knew her bf, I decided that was her chance to find out the truth.
They stayed together for a while untill he did it again and she seeked me out to apologise for not listening to me, he decided to tell her I was a psycho and obsessed with him and I was lying. She is one of my closest friends now!!

meditrina Mon 13-Jan-14 17:23:54

"We are not longer together, for me he betrayed my friendship and broke the fragile trust I had in guys."

Does this mean that initially you did not know he was married?

Jaffacakesallround Mon 13-Jan-14 17:24:05

Op- how do you know that she doesn't know already?

How do you know they don't have a reciprocal arrangement?

Why do you want to be the messenger of (possibly) devastating news which may break up a family.

Just to make yourself feel good, eh?

Get your own back?

That's what you have said- that he walks away 'free' while you are hurt.

All it shows is that you are still hurt and still emotionally involved.

Far better to leave them to it, cut your losses and move on.

CosyTeaBags Mon 13-Jan-14 17:27:17

Whether he wriggles out of it or not is not your concern - If you tell his wife, and give her the evidence as you suggest, than you will have done everything that you can.

How they deal with it then is up to them, and it's probably best that you don't know, as it might piss you off if he does wriggle out of it.

Do you know anything about this woman? How she might react? Do you even know how to contact her?

I feel for you OP, it's a horrible situation for you. You've done nothing wrong, I just hope you don't become the focus for the wife's anger.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:29:15

Meditrina - no, didn't know at start. Had a feeling after a little while. He told me eventually

Jaffa - he wouldnt have threatened me if she knew
Yes i suppose i want to get my own back, being lied to is a v big thing for me

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:30:39

Cosy - I know where she lives and works but no telephone number.

meditrina Mon 13-Jan-14 17:30:50

If the motive is revenge, then I do not think it would be wise to tell.

If your personal philosophy is that people should know the truth about important things in their lives, then it's rather different.

If there is going to be hurt to the W, it arises from the actions of her H. I suppose you have to think whether you would want to know if you were in her shoes. Different people reach different conclusions on that one.

Grumpasaurus Mon 13-Jan-14 17:32:25

I think you have to tell her. I would want someone to tell me, however painful!!!

Jaffacakesallround Mon 13-Jan-14 17:33:40

It would be more mature to walk away.

Being lied to is not nice- but it happens in life. Just deal with it and don't be a Bunny Boiler.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:33:59

First thought is I would want to know. As prev said I was told before, didn't appreciate at the time but better to know ugly truth than ignorancpt bliss

Revenge is a by product

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 17:36:36

Throwing a phrase like bunny boiler around is quite provocative. She's not jealous is she?

More on the personal philosophy point someone made. Is it in your personal philosophy to not let men go around feeling entitled and abusing the trust of women, leading to an over inflated ego? It's not in mine.

CosyTeaBags Mon 13-Jan-14 17:37:05

I would be careful to stick to the hard facts though OP. Tell her about your relationship with him, but avoid speculating about what he might be up to online unless you have physical proof that it was him.

I'd still be inclined to do nothing if I were you - perhaps sit on it for a few days and see how you feel. As a few people have said, revenge isn't the best motive.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:42:29

I am not jjealous. I don't want to be anyone's second fiddle. Nice guy when I thought he was single but whole different side I never knew.

I have proof with photos of his online stuff.

Not doing anything today just thinking out loud on here and gathering thoughts

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 17:44:04

For what it's worth OP, i don't think you are jealous. Just obvious annoyed and trying to get your head around the situation and what to do next.

Bunny boiler doesn't sit correctly for me in this situation - so don't worry at all.

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 17:45:01

I once had an anonymous message giving me some information about my now ex. It wasn't earth shattering (could have been, had I not already known), ...it was something in the past, before I was on the scene.

I was furious with the 'messenger' for trying to destroy my life (and his) by imparting this information (personally addressed to me) which I was already in possession of. It didn't cause any issues between me and the ex. Nor did it take much detective work to find out who the messenger was and, because she had breached a position of professional trust, I reported her and she lost her job. So it backfired on her in a big way...and her family were horrified that that she'd done such a spiteful thing....only one loser in that scenario OP.

Leavenheath Mon 13-Jan-14 17:45:17

Ah, these threads always follow a familiar script. There's always someone who throws in the misogynist 'bunnyboiler' term. It won't be too long now before someone tells you to stop being bitter and angry wink.

It's fine to be angry about the way this bloke treated you. And it's fine to want revenge too. As long as you have no expectations of what this woman does with the info and are willing to answer her questions, go right ahead if you think it's the right thing to do.

Do bear in mind that on these threads, a lot of the people who say 'don't tell' are projecting about their own secrets. Plus a lot of people have real difficulty giving women permission to be angry, so they call them names instead.

My only caveat ever on these threads is that you do it personally and accept that person has the right to do nothing with the info.

Rosencrantz Mon 13-Jan-14 17:47:15

Completely agree Leavenheath. Bunny boiler is awful, so anti women.

Women are allowed to be angry after being mistreated and lied to. It doesn't make them deranged.

smilingeyes79 Mon 13-Jan-14 17:52:58

Fiftyandfab thank you - this is nothing to do with work and there are no breach in trust issues.
I have actually spoken to my family about this, mom thinks keep out of it, my dad and sister both think she should know and are happy tp drive me there if i want. All will support me.

Leavenheath and Rosencratz - thank you. I dont mind admitting it smarts being used. I deserve better

fiftyandfab Mon 13-Jan-14 17:58:27

You are right to be hurt and angry OP, so would I be. But spreading the misery will be on your conscience. Won't it? You will ultimately do what you feel is right by all. My point was that it might have ruined my life....the messenger never considered me or my reaction at all. How could she? She didn't know me.

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