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Sexting/Phone Sex Etiquette

(80 Posts)
DizzyGoat Mon 13-Jan-14 13:51:50

Have NC! (Naice Ham, Poo Troll, entitled to goats)

For the last 3 months I've had a very slowly developing relationship with a guy who has decided he needs to work on his priorities, work/life balance etc. He's been in this country (previously in the US) for 3 years and not had a girlfriend. But he's chosen me as being top of the list if he ever gets the time. (For short I'd call that commitment phobic but there we go).

Anyway, we've held hands once, snogged twice and one day (TMI) he got over excited and <splat> - did make sure I enjoyed myself first though!

In the last couple of weeks we've "sexted" twice (NO PICTURES!!!) and last night had phone sex for the first time in my life. Damn fine, can recommend it grin

But in neither format have we ever described going all the way, just the kind of thing we've done so far (and I did introduce some lace and massage oil last night!)

So, when we do it again (pretty sure a precedent has been set now) should I take the conversation in the direction of full sex or not? Perhaps he doesn't want to go that far IRL because he can't commit so would it be appropriate to describe such things if they won't happen. Or would he be completely overjoyed and rush round to my house immediately? Or could I scare him off?

Selcouth Wed 15-Jan-14 19:37:47

The whole situation sounds hideous and that's coming from someone who became overly attached to a man who only wanted to send me photos of his cock... I was slow to catch onconfused

The normal response from a woman with healthy boundaries and decent self watermelon, upon discovering that they're being used as a cheap, easy thrill is to run away. Why are you not?

JupiterGentlefly Wed 15-Jan-14 19:41:01

Self watermelon?

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 19:50:24

that's an interesting auto correct smile

Selcouth Wed 15-Jan-14 19:53:11

Bloody hell. Watermelon?!

Esteem!

Hogwash Wed 15-Jan-14 20:01:14

Watermelon grin. That's got to become new Mumsnet slang, surely!

JupiterGentlefly Wed 15-Jan-14 20:07:23

I did think that was autocorrect!! Very funny. Having just been picked up for using there instead of their I wouldnt be so petty. Missing apostrophe from wouldnt too and I don't give a fuck

DizzyGoat Wed 15-Jan-14 20:07:31

I don't think I've really ever given a thought to self esteem. Can't remember it anyway. Perhaps I'll give a bit of background and you might be able to tell me where I left it?

When I was in Year 8 a boy and I decided we'd better get that virginity business out of the way, did it and saw each other casually for a bit longer. Not very satisfactory. Then the next year some girlfriends and I ended up in a situation a bit like the Rochdale case. OK, it was a different racial and work set up, the tactics were much the same but we were a bit older 14-16 rather than 11+. It seemed to us that WE were doing the exploiting by choosing who we were going to go with next, but we probably weren't and it probably was damaging.

Then I went to college and was celibate from 17 to 21. At 21 I met my exH who seemed very nice on the surface (from a naice family and area of which my parents approved)(trying to please parents = bid mistake) and we got married when I was still 21. He turned out to be an alcoholic and cheated on me, and I cheated on him (getting pregnant by the other man and having a m/c). We divorced after a year and to keep him away I enlisted some "bodyguards" - bona fide gangsters. Probably the country's most famous at the time.

So I stayed in that for around 10 years, making some great female friends (all of us had got into boys and sex too young), but it was the same as when I was a teenager - we thought we were hunting in a pack choosing men but were we really? I thought it was a pretty good feeling being on the VIP list wherever we went and scaring civilians. (Although when 'Splatman' said he likes to be hostile and scare people so they don't take advantage I did tell him that years of doing that would leave him feeling pretty empty).

So then I met DS's dad and suffered the DV which I didn't escape because I kept trying to rationalise it. Finally I gave up trying to do that (after 6 years!) and moved away. ExP's smackhead friend followed us to where we were living and I suppose I allowed the situation to develop where he was "protecting" us from ExP but in reality I was using him to enable me to feel I was staying strong and not going back to ExP. He did exploit me financially though, and after 4 years he hit me for not giving him drugs money. He went and I never saw him again.

So 3 more years of celibacy, never seeing anyone who didn't seem to have a whole bundle of faults (losing hair, being too loud, alcohol, bad shoes, too much emotional baggage). Nothing round here to attract me, so I thought, until 'Splatman' started paying me attention and I was hooked.

DizzyGoat Wed 15-Jan-14 20:08:42

Where did I leave that watermelon grin

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 20:22:01

Gimme some of the watermelon and some wine to glug it down with

That's a hell of a background, lovey, and tbh it goes a long way towards explaining why you seem content with so little sad

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 20:23:38

Sweetheart, the crumbs you are accepting are demeaning to you. He is demeaning you. Please could you stop letting him ?

DrNick Wed 15-Jan-14 20:25:22

you had sex in year 8? have i read that right?

JupiterGentlefly Wed 15-Jan-14 20:29:04

Dizzy this sounds terrible! It doesn't sound like you have ever had a functional relationship. (Neither have I but I hope to because I have been working on myself as in my low self watermelon!

DizzyGoat Wed 15-Jan-14 20:29:58

DrNick - yes. He was the same age, btw. Still not good I will admit.

Selcouth Wed 15-Jan-14 20:30:31

Wow, quite a story. You've had a rough old time.

Splatman <vomit> will be the latest addition to a string of truly terrible relationships.

DizzyGoat Wed 15-Jan-14 20:42:13

Thanks all. I will read any more replies tonight but probably won't be back on the PC to reply till tomorrow.

I think I have had 2 decent relationships (which I didn't even think to write down) but I've always done my best to fuck them up. Or used them as a cover to continue my hunting behaviour. But in fact both of them turned out to have weird and deep seated personality problems.

Cabrinha Wed 15-Jan-14 23:06:12

You've been beaten by an ex and now you're choosing to be with someone who tells you that he likes to be scary and hostile?
Come on. You show some self awareness in your posts. You KNOW this man is treating you like shit. He's telling you that he's hostile, so that you can't complain when he is. He's outright, cruelly and rudely told you he's using you until he finds someone younger.

Walk away. Get counselling. You can have better than this.

There's nothing wrong with phone sex, or taking things slowly. How much better to do that with a man who CARES about you though. Good luck Dizzy, you've had a rough ride... But right now you are setting yourself up for more.

Once again you're saying that abusive behaviour is fine cos you're getting what you want from it. But you're not getting what you want; not really. This will end badly, or you can end it now.

Talk to a professional, then take it slowly with someone who is thinking about YOUR needs.

Vixxxen Wed 15-Jan-14 23:18:47

You sound like such an intelligent, fun, nice person.
Forget splatman or any man for now.
Go treat yourself, take care of yourself, love yourself.

Hope you find a lovely relationship when you are ready.

Do you get on well with your son?

LittleBabyPigsus Wed 15-Jan-14 23:53:34

'<splat> is when you have something in your hand and after 2 minutes its been sick on your thigh!'

Well that's me done with heterosexuality.

More seriously, OP you are worth so much more than a handjob when he has time.

kingbeat23 Thu 16-Jan-14 23:25:51

Sometimes subconsciously choosing relationships and people like this can be an act of self-sabotage in itself as you know these relationships are doomed to fail or allow you to put yourself in positions 'to allow you to continue to hunt'.

I think you know the answer to this person and the relationship that you seem to have with this person.

By all means go ahead, but from my view it seems a no win situation on all aspects of this person and almost seems like a "see I told you relationships are shit" mentality.

Mandy2003 Thu 13-Mar-14 13:11:28

This is an update, and a whinge, and a request for ideas re damage limitation. I do remember that everyone has said "Don't bother with him".

Well, since January things have plodded along quite amicably and the situation has made me happy. Mainly text and phone based with a bit of a fumble every couple of weeks.

Still no nearer to any invitation to his house (clearly I'm not to be seen by the almighty housemates!) but I did have slight cause for hope of moving things along a bit the other day when he actually mentioned (in a text) wanting to actually have sex for the first time ever - stands back in amazement?! And put the word "Love" in it too - OMG!!!! This is not necessarily what I was expecting.

So I just happened to see him in the usual place near work today and I asked him if he wanted to meet tonight. "A date?" he said "Yes" "Oh yes, with someone younger please". Grrrr. Apparently the look on my face when he said that betrayed all kinds of possessiveness and making assumptions about having a relationship etc etc He was really quite angry and felt obliged to say I was only a bit of fun to him and had no right to an opinion.

I texted him and said "That was a misunderstanding wasn't it?" and why. But will it be possible to backtrack (on both sides) and keep things as they have been which is really all I want at the moment.

chateauferret Thu 13-Mar-14 13:21:59

Bleeurgh. The only way I'd text him about sex if if I mentioned travel at the same time. And I 'd do it in seven letters and three of them would be Fs.

StillSeekingSpike Thu 13-Mar-14 13:49:30

'He was really quite angry and felt obliged to say I was only a bit of fun to him and had no right to an opinion.'

So he's a premature ejaculating misogynist with no manners who's only putting up with you because he doesn't want to pay for a 'happy finish'??
Frankly, as my friend used to say, I'd rather sit on my finger.... get that watermelon and tell him to go fuck that angry

Jan45 Thu 13-Mar-14 14:02:38

Oh please stop it, he's not giving a shit about you, you're the next best thing to his hand, he even has the cheek to be angry with you, please get rid and look for someone with at least an ounce of imagination.

purplebaubles Thu 13-Mar-14 14:09:57

Seriously???? You have such low self esteem that you're ok with this shit situation? Please tell me you're 21 or something and not older and wiser?

He sounds like a jerk, and you sound as though you need a major reality check.

purplebaubles Thu 13-Mar-14 14:12:45

Sorry - just caught up with one of your posts.

You need to start valuing yourself. You deserve much better than this. Get rid of this loser please. Have you any RL friends you can confide in for support?

You are in a dangerous situation here which is not going to end well for you imo. Please leave this tosser to his own devices and start looking after yourself.

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