Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sexting/Phone Sex Etiquette

(80 Posts)
DizzyGoat Mon 13-Jan-14 13:51:50

Have NC! (Naice Ham, Poo Troll, entitled to goats)

For the last 3 months I've had a very slowly developing relationship with a guy who has decided he needs to work on his priorities, work/life balance etc. He's been in this country (previously in the US) for 3 years and not had a girlfriend. But he's chosen me as being top of the list if he ever gets the time. (For short I'd call that commitment phobic but there we go).

Anyway, we've held hands once, snogged twice and one day (TMI) he got over excited and <splat> - did make sure I enjoyed myself first though!

In the last couple of weeks we've "sexted" twice (NO PICTURES!!!) and last night had phone sex for the first time in my life. Damn fine, can recommend it grin

But in neither format have we ever described going all the way, just the kind of thing we've done so far (and I did introduce some lace and massage oil last night!)

So, when we do it again (pretty sure a precedent has been set now) should I take the conversation in the direction of full sex or not? Perhaps he doesn't want to go that far IRL because he can't commit so would it be appropriate to describe such things if they won't happen. Or would he be completely overjoyed and rush round to my house immediately? Or could I scare him off?

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jan-14 20:56:41

Nicky, would it have killed you to simply type "I agree with AF" ?

Or, alternatively, type something similar if you concur ?

What you did do just looks simply rude and unwarranted

Vixxxen Mon 13-Jan-14 21:03:16

Well, if you are not thinking long term, than go for it. You are enjoying the situation and it suits you.
Go with the flow.

Also take in consideration what solidgoldbrass said. Work from home, earning a few bob, doing something easy and you enjoy/is good at.

Anyway, what is <splat> ????
I have no idea.

nickymanchester Mon 13-Jan-14 21:04:07

AnyFucker

I'm sorry, you're right, that was unwarranted of me

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jan-14 21:14:05

Ok, fair enough. No hard feelings.

JaceyBee Mon 13-Jan-14 21:15:20

I don't think there's anything wrong with having him for phone/text sex if you enjoy it. Doesn't really matter whether or not anything comes of it (so to speak) wink i do it with guys I'm sleeping with or planning to sleep with, it gives me a flavour of how they like to fuck and it's good foreplay.

As for how to approach the next time, well it's a fantasy so you can say any old thing you like! Doesn't mean you're obliged to do any of it in RL unless you want to. Just say what you'd like to do to him, what you want him to do to you etc etc

LineRunner Mon 13-Jan-14 21:19:31

<splat> is it that thing that Rachel said Ross did?

bestsonever Mon 13-Jan-14 21:20:28

So you left an abusive relationship and somehow ended up with his crack-head mate - for 4 YEARS !! Now you have gained FWB, doubtless when the time suits him, not you. You are bothered about etiquette and asking on here, showing that you care what he thinks so already showing that you don't really want an FWB, but will probably accept it anyway.
What's wrong? I'd say they are finding you and you are going with any crap that is out there. Take charge of your own destiny, you don't have to repeatedly fall into a pile of crap. Next time a sleasebag shows some interest, do what most sane people would do and tell them to jog on.

DizzyGoat Mon 13-Jan-14 21:24:16

Jeez I don't think I could go professional - not had nearly enough practice yet!

I just don't want to upset the status quo by talking about full sex if its not going to happen with him IRL.

<splat> is when you have something in your hand and after 2 minutes its been sick on your thigh! Euphamism alert!

After last weeks txt session he said he wished we could have actually done one quarter of what we'd described smile

PurpleSprout Mon 13-Jan-14 21:47:48

If that's all your comfortable with, I guess (and I'll caveat I've never sexted in my life and I'm no prude), then just:

- Make your boundaries as clear as his (don't do all the running - any increment in involvement should be on both sides)

- FGS don't fall 'in love' in this situation. If you think you might be, LTB.

- Keep yourself open to better opportunities and while I don't suggest you belabour the issue, make sure he knows you're not waiting around for a slot in his calendar.

In all honesty though, if anything did happen to deepen the relationship, he doesn't sound a good shout for a DH, DP or father to potential kids (not that everyone cares about that, I'm CF FWIW).

Finally and god I hate myself for saying this as a 30-something CF poster, you didn't mention what you want out of life. If it's a family and particularly kids, then unless you're really young (I don't get that from your post) LTB right now and work on yourself until you're comfortable to pursue the relationship you want. I think (but I could be wrong, because I'm no expert), that by pursuing this, you might be missing an opportunity to enjoy being alone, work on things you want to work on (if needed) and be open to much, much better offers.

I can say OP, I've had some shit offers in my time, but never 'you'd be top of my list but I'm committing nothing' with an expectation of explicit phone calls.

There is nothing wrong with having a FWB/phone-sex-only relationship. It's fine to be single and absolutely fine to have casual fun with people as long as no one is leading anyone on or being dishonest/unkind.
Some mundanes posters forget that relationships are not compulsory, and that a shag or a flirtation doesn't have to progress to marriage-n-kids to be 'real' or 'worthwhile'.

AnyFucker Mon 13-Jan-14 22:56:21

That's all well and good if both parties are comfortable with it and getting equal gratification from it

But Op is anxious and questioning strangers about how far to go. Why can't she ask him if this "casual fun" ? It should be easy and angst-free, yes, by very definition ?

Op isn't having "casual fun" as far as I can see.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Mon 13-Jan-14 23:49:50

Imho, if he does progress to sexting pictures, that might be a boundary to not cross and ring off at that point.

Perhaps these circumstances suit him best as it could be that 'splat' may be an issue for RL all-the-way encounters.

And what purplesprout said. I would not be banking on emotional attachment here, sorry.

Top of the list? Did you clarify exactly which list that'd be? hmm

kingbeat23 Tue 14-Jan-14 00:00:54

I can relate to having a relationship with someone on the other end if the phone. If you've come out of a DV situation somehow it can make it a little easier to handle. They can't get physical near you.

However. The fact that you state you are too of his list when he finds the time screams all kind of bells and flags that you need to be aware of.

If you're happy with being 2nd (or 3rd or 25 millionth) best and are happy to accept that you might not be heading in a direction that won't be equal to both of you, then go ahead and enjoy it whilst it lasts.

Fwiw, I DONT think that this guy has any other ideas than keeping this as anything other than a memory he can go back to when he wants to and can keep you hanging. However, I only see what you've written on the web and stories have many sides. Just take care to protect your emotions rather than anyone else's when you do it.

DizzyGoat Wed 15-Jan-14 14:43:46

The list was to stop lodging with his boss (achieved) and "I need a woman" - I think I ended up in this situation because I looked at him hopefully and made a little yelp when he said that, and invited him out for a drink (which we still have not been for - it seems he likes a smoke but doesn't drink).

Today's developments were unexpected. I saw him on a break from work and he mentioned Sunday's phone sex, which he was basically knocked out by. But then he said in retrospect that rather than phone sex he ought to have been in bed actually doing it with someone his own age!! angry

I am a lot older than him, although not as old as he'd thought (he got DS's age wrong by 6 years). And some thoughts about the possibility of settling down and having a family "before he gets to old". He still thinks he has not got time for a girlfriend plus he might still go back to his own country so that's not really going to happen soon is it? Physically I could have another child, emotionally I am 99.99% certain I will not.

So basically I'm all right to fool around with but too old for anything else. Hmm. That's telling me isn't it? So I told him that I was not planning to get serious and that DS has put me straight that he will never accept any sort of "father figure" and we don't want or need one. I also said he may find it a relief that I am older so unlikely to be emotional, high maintenance or demanding of his time.

He said if I was this horny and up for it now, what must I have been like when I was 20 hmm I surprised him by saying that I was celibate from the age of 17-21. I didn't say I was probably making up for it now. I am still troubled by the Old business though, possibly as it happened only an hour after someone at work had asked after my "grandson" when I'd been talking about my DS. Ouch.

After that chat maybe things are straighter, I dunno. It appears I'm forgiven for the age thing (HaHa) because another quick snog followed and yes <splat> again grin

Andthebandplayedon - you are probably right - before I laid hands on him today he said his ex had always told him she was amazed how he was ready for sex all the time (and I'm pretty sure she must have said something about him being too quick!!) Maybe it won't proceed to full sex between us - I can't imagine even being able to get a condom on him without it all being over before it begins. There will be no pictures, I agree with you about that being a line that should not be crossed.

PurpleSprout thank you for your words of wisdom. What is CF by the way?

But having been patient and waiting for him as he requested 3 months ago I would find very it annoying if he suddenly went off with someone else. That is my only vulnerability I think, not wanting to have the piss taken and lose out in some way by not being assertive.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 15:38:06

Forgive me for not understanding the coy euphemisms but are you saying you had a kiss and he came in his pants ?

confused

Is this normal these days (outside of the behind the bike sheds situation) ?

Hmm. OK,. OP, I think you maybe are expecting this man to reward your kindness and patience by becoming your boyfriend. That's not a good idea. I think he's telling you, nicely, that he likes you but doesn't want a relationship. If you do want a relationship, look for it elsewhere. If you don't, and are happy just to play around with him then by all means enjoy - but you need to be able to wave him goodbye with a smile when he wants to move on - or when you do.

DizzyGoat Wed 15-Jan-14 16:39:21

AnyFucker - you are so perceptive - that's exactly where we were!! But it was in my hand, not pants!

I don't really want a relationship but on the other hand I don't really want to be hidden away in a corner. The house thing for him is difficult, when he was saying about having a woman in his bed it was kind of theoretical because he lives in like a student house and doesn't want to be the first to have a girlfriend round.

He says he's going to his country for a holiday in the next couple of months. I am pretty sure his family will have a succession of "eligible" women lined up for him. When he goes that will be a test of my ability to wave goodbye I think.

But why, after 3 years in this country meeting women every day did he choose to get physical with me first? I suppose it works both ways - why is he the first person I've been interested in for 3 years also?

Jan45 Wed 15-Jan-14 16:40:07

Yes he's definitely not wanting anything other than a cheap thrill on the phone, if you're up for that then fine but I wouldn't be analysing what you should and shouldn't say, I wouldn't be giving it so much importance, it's sexting and he's made it pretty clear, even if condescendingly put, that's not interested in anything else.

Just make sure you look out for someone who is actually wiling to get off his ass and take you out cos as far as I can see, you're a sex chat line worker but without the dosh.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 17:29:36

Dizzy, I don't understand why you don't find this whole thing demeaning

All you are fit for is a sneaky handjob ? Really ? Have you no self respect at all ?

Heathcliff27 Wed 15-Jan-14 18:06:24

^^ what AnyFucker said

Twinklestein Wed 15-Jan-14 18:13:59

OP you have two appallingly damaging relationships behind you. Please see this situation, not as, 'not nearly as bad as the others' but quite bad enough in its own grotty little way.

He has given you a multitude of crap explanations for why he can't get involved (his boss?!), told you after phone sex that he would rather be shagging a woman half your age for real. All he is looking for is sexual relief, and you're the nearest willing bucket. Please, please see that none of this us good for your self esteem in the long run, even if right now you feel want to grab the crap crumbs he's throwing you. You are worth so much more than this.

AnyFucker Wed 15-Jan-14 18:15:33

You could get 25 quid for that on a street corner

What is in this for you, exactly ? (Other than some rather teenage sniggering about < splatting >)

Hogwash Wed 15-Jan-14 18:20:45

'But why, after 3 years in this country meeting women every day did he choose to get physical with me first?' Dizzy I actually feel a bit nauseous after reading this thread. I think you take allowing him to, er, splat on you as a compliment. I'm not sure that being the only person he is prepared to splat on is a compliment though. He sounds like he is just too tight to afford a sordid sex chat line but is too insecure about his trigger-happiness to engage in a 'normal relationship' with commitment. Eww, run for the hills.

JupiterGentlefly Wed 15-Jan-14 18:25:39

Don't take this the wrong way op but you really do need to work on that self esteem of yours because its on the floor. You sound like you have been through shit and as a result you have lost track of what is decent behaviour

Vixxxen Wed 15-Jan-14 19:30:59

Maybe the women that he has been meeting everyday won't give him shit.
You do, but he won't appreciate it and he even goes as far as saying that he would lie to do in bed, all the things you talk about, with not only other woman but a younger one.

Please wake up now.
Counselling/therapy will make you so much happier than this "relationship".

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now