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Sex... Again

(77 Posts)
Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 01:33:34

Have got myself into a silly situation... Again... <head desk>

New bf... The one who can be flakey and immature... <yes I know although he has been a bit better recently>

Been doing BDSM, he is mostly the submissive ATM.

Was initially reluctant to play dom but found I enjoyed and was good at it. Have discussed with him previously that my ability/desire to be cruel comes from having been abused by men and is directly tapping into those (well repressed) feelings of hate.

He initially found this exciting. I know... He's quite immature, the relationship is not particularly serious. I felt this was better than freaking out, we discussed it...

I have discovered he is not particularly good at knowing what he is comfortable with though. He wants me to be ever increasingly cruel, which I am. He usually is very excited by this.

However, the other night I broke him... Literally... When he said the safety word, we were doing something he decided he wanted as a reward, it was ill advised in my view, but he was insistent without really thinking/knowing about what it would be like/listening to me about necessary preparation. I did stop immediately when he pretty much inevitably didn't like it, but felt utter contempt and full of hate for him and found it very hard to mellow and become sympathetic and comforting.

He was extremely emotional for a good hour after but said he was excited by it the day after so confident I haven't hurt him. What I'm concerned about is how it made me feel and where those feelings were coming from - pure hate and contempt, thinking 'you utter privileged weakling to get to say no and not endure the pain and humiliation your kind has heaped on me.'

We talked about it and thought we should back pedal to just having normal sex, he suggested I should speak to rape crisis about my repressed hate. But this whole thing now feels quite fucked up.

Maybe it is. But I don't feel interested in 'normal sex'. It's like I need it to be painful and cruel in some way for me to be interested.

I haven't name changed which is perhaps unwise but I don't like to. I'd appreciate it if you could be a little kind, even if you tell me the obvious, and help me work out what is going on and how to fix myself... Is it the relationship or is it me or both?

lookatmybutt Mon 13-Jan-14 23:28:48

I'm not much help, because I'm a sub... but

If it is far too triggering for you, maybe it's best if you set aside the dom stuff for a bit. I do know a few doms who had to call it a day (and even get divorced) precisely for the same reasons you think you should - I think this sub is asking too much of you and it's taking too much out of you. You're also (understandably) worried about the impact of your own responses on the sub.

I still think it would be helpful to seek out a kink friendly councellor - unfortunately I have no connections anymore so can't think of anyone specifically, but I know that Relate used to be good at helping to iron out any problems in the bedroom department. It may be a good idea, just as insurance for the future and to help with your anger problems.

PurpleSprout Mon 13-Jan-14 21:58:12

Best wishes Offred - hope the reading & subsequent conversation goes well.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 21:56:27

Indeed Purplesprout. Need to talk to him about this topping from the bottom and how important it is to him that I am dom. Have found some good reading on it so that helps.

PurpleSprout Mon 13-Jan-14 21:53:57

And yes I have no wish to be a better dom. Or particularly to be a dom at all after this. Gave it a try, some of it was fun but it isn't safe for me so that's that.

Reckon that's what you need to tell him then. It's causing you nothing but grief and if it's a deal breaker, best find out early.

Joysmum Mon 13-Jan-14 21:51:07

Non-vanilla I think is potentially very damaging in all but the most stable and comfortable of relationships. I'd did trust anyone except my hubby. Also, you won't know unless you try but if you are going to try, think in terms of baby steps, of exploring your boundaries rather than smashing through them.

Also, I'm a firm believer that whilst BDSM is a great addition to the sex lives of those who like it, it's just another strand to the sex life and not the majority of it.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 21:45:06

And yes I have no wish to be a better dom. Or particularly to be a dom at all after this. Gave it a try, some of it was fun but it isn't safe for me so that's that.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 21:43:06

I don't think he's deliberately trying to blur my boundaries, it could equally be my failure to adequately maintain them too to be fair. It is correct that this is something which has crossed a boundary of mine. I've not had a problem with refusing to do it when he's asked since. I think we do need to have a further talk about it so he understands better maybe.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 21:40:08

Nicky - I think the PIV thing can happen if you feel your partner has been emasculated by being dominated maybe. It's not something I have experienced though and don't know any other BDSM couples.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 21:37:24

Well all I can say is he wasn't aware, or said he wasn't aware, until I spoke to him about it the day after. At which point he was concerned, that "it was no good if it made you feel that way" and made some suggestions about talking it through with a counsellor and said we should not do it again. Although he's not actually wanted to stop in practice and is continuing to ask for more of the same. Although I have said no each time:

PurpleSprout Mon 13-Jan-14 21:34:43

You might want to look into a kink friendly counsellor? I've never had cause to use one, but I know they do exist.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship. He wants something you can't or are uncomfortable giving him. He's trying to blur your boundaries sexually (deliberately or otherwise) and neither of you are enjoying it. You are not able to say no to him in a situation where you are primarily responsible for his welfare. Not good all round.

I can see why you would want to go vanilla for a while. From the sounds of it, you have more you need to work through than prioritising how to be a better Dom and both you and your DP need to recognise this.

nickymanchester Mon 13-Jan-14 21:34:07

Kisses correctly identified IMO, understanding BDSM herself, that the issue is he's topping from the bottom and I'm not safe being the dom because of unresolved things which need to be worked on

Having read the thread, I think that I might agree with you.

Two close friends of mine - ok, I know this is a cliche, but in this case it really IS close friends and NOT me - are involved in BDSM, although they are quite a bit older than I think you might be. One is really very experienced and she has mentioned to me before about ''topping from the bottom'' and how she can't be doing with it all. The other mentioned that she was sort of pressurised into being a dom - she'd never had any involvement before at all with BDSM - and had many of the same feelings that you've expressed here.

The more experienced one is very very careful indeed about who she gets involved with now and my other friend has had a lot very very long talks with her dh - it was him that was pushing her to get into this - she is more able to cope with this.

Just as an aside, and I would genuinely be interested in your experience as well. Both my friends said that they really didn't want any penetration, or PIV sex after they had dommed (sp?) their partners. Is this common? I would be interested to know what other women think

Logg1e Mon 13-Jan-14 21:32:34

I think most people would be aware if the other person felt irritable towards them, never mind disgust and hatred, and especially if they had an intimate relationship. So, yes, I think he has a problem.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 21:29:06

But yes, ok point taken about the wording.

I'm not shocked about my behaviour, simply about the feelings the experience provoked. To clarify.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 21:27:57

Like I said I stopped immediately and I found it hard to mellow and become comforting. I did not say anywhere that I treated him with disgust.

Do you not think he might have had a problem with it if I'd behaved contemptuously towards him when he felt vulnerable?

Logg1e Mon 13-Jan-14 21:22:36

Were you immediately comforting and loving towards him or did you find it "very hard to mellow and become sympathetic and comforting" towards him?

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 21:16:58

Y, that's what I personally was concerned with and the reason I posted. Not something I've ever denied or needed to be made to acknowledge because it is the very reason for the post. I'm aware of all that and was aware of it at the time I had the feelings too. He was not left uncomforted or unloved or hurt because I, being aware and shocked, was comforting and loving towards him.

But other posters have stated they are concerned he's being pressured and trying to please.

Logg1e Mon 13-Jan-14 21:10:16

I don't think people are concerned about you forcing him to do something. I, personally, am concerned that after something happened which hurt him, he immediately regretted and was upset about for some time afterwards you felt nothing but hate and disgust. This is not ok in a relationship which is supposed to be trusting and respectful and fun (if not loving and compassionate).

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 21:02:55

I'm still concerned about the actual incident although feel I've taken some helpful insights and ways forward from this thread. I'm not saying it is his fault either. Why do people always have to attribute blame? I'm simply trying to correct certain posters who are reading into the situation that I'm driving me being the dom and pressurising him into it or he is somehow doing it to please me which is simply not the case and is actually massively important and relevant. He hasn't got a problem with this, he enjoyed it, I didn't.

That clarification of something not apparently asserted strongly enough in the op actually has no effect on how I feel about the actual specific thing that happened either. I have not ever been shaken to the core and in need of urgent medical intervention as some posters have implied. I was concerned with myself.

I've also said repeatedly I agree with the suggestion that it would be helpful to have some therapy and asked other posters for some advice about what kind, looked into it myself but didn't realise I'd be required to post about that particularly and decided I agreed that it would be better to finish the current round of cbt first which is sensible advice.

The marriage breakup, if you'd like to get technical, had been going on for at least a year by the time the relationship finished in sept. I don't think in spirit I've been any different to usual on here even if I've been different in manner. But people change. I'm certain my manner has changed anyway, but it's not because I'm struggling emotionally, tis because I've become leases cowed as a person recently.

But it is all quite non-specific these accusations and where there's stuff it's based on - like I'm somehow pressuring him into something he wants to do to please me, the stuff is just factually incorrect. 'Twas not me who suggested it, he is and always was happy with it. I'm not. Although can see if you don't understand BDSM and someone therefore being happy with being broken then that's the logical assumption to make.

With BDSM of course there are elements of SM and also of submission which obviously can come across as wanting to please. Kisses correctly identified IMO, understanding BDSM herself, that the issue is he's topping from the bottom and I'm not safe being the dom because of unresolved things which need to be worked on.

Leavenheath Mon 13-Jan-14 19:55:00

Oh I didn't mean the latest stuff Offred. You've been going through a marriage break-up for the last few months haven't you? I'm thinking of months, not weeks when I referred to the sinking feeling.

Anyway, I've said my piece and it's up to you what you do with just one person's observations. I wish you peace.

ALittleStranger Mon 13-Jan-14 19:35:00

Offred you do seem to have minimised throughout the day. You started being shaken, then everything was fine, and now it's his fault. It doesn't sound like you are independently getting to grips with what went on, which is why I agree talking to someone would be helpful.

Jaffacakesallround Mon 13-Jan-14 19:30:01

If what you posted is 'what SD is all about' why on earth did you post asking for advice?

I am sure there are degree of SM and you clearly felt you had overstepped some mark.

Your last post seems to say that everything's fine.

I'm confused.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 19:12:19

Xmusician - that's helpful.

Yes, I think we do need to talk about the consent. As it stands he has got out of it what he intended and wanted and it has pushed me further than I want. Which is no good.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 19:09:18

Oh and would like to clarify it is definitely not something I am choosing and pressuring him into or that he'd feel would impress me. He's spent a long time convincing me about it and if anything I've felt under pressure.

Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 19:05:43

Jaffa - that is really what sadomasochism is.

Although I think it is a valid opinion to feel all BDSM is therefore wrong. I'm not sure it follows that people who enjoy BDSM need help.

Leavenheath - it doesn't cut close to the bone. I remember the threads you mention and I was equally disappointed to find we disagreed but I stand by what I said on them - that I'm not projecting.

Apart from anything else those threads predate this incident and therefore issue and I understand the temptation to make the BDSM stuff into a Big Thing, but tis this one thing within it which has upset me and I agree I've got thinking to do and would maybe benefit from some therapy but I think the 'psychiatric help' and the extrapolating is not on the money.

One in particular thread was exceptionally worrying and I made a decision that it was better to challenge the potential victim blaming than simply agree with the op. That turned out to be exceptionally strange and I had a look at the forum the husband posted from and it did not do much to dispel my concerns tbh.

Although I probably agree that I've been more short tempered over Christmas and said as much on another thread, it's nothing to do with abuse or my sex life, Christmas was difficult to negotiate with xh and my ridiculous family.

I don't think I need to take a break from anything in particular, maybe uni which is intense being that I'm studying equivalent of full time until april, although I probably will be posting less here as have assignments due etc MN always goes like this for me anyway; I post loads then fall out with it and go away for a while. Really don't think I've changed much in that regard, been on about 5 years.

salisburysteak Mon 13-Jan-14 17:52:58

I think you are being too hard on yourself. You did what he asked and u did stop when he asked. If it was me the anger and cruelty would be the resentment of him topping from the bottom. He is meant to be doing what u want submissive but basically he is playing at that but really he is control telling u how to dominate him basically another man controlling the sex. Maybe not maybe I'm projecting. But if you just stop doing it and realise its triggering I don't know what harm has beeen done. It seems like it gave u a horrifying insight into how powerful abusive men feel and how gratifying it is and this would be upsetting to suddenly find youself on the other side. But he asked u to do it. So don't be so hard on yourself

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