Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Sex... Again

(77 Posts)
Offred Mon 13-Jan-14 01:33:34

Have got myself into a silly situation... Again... <head desk>

New bf... The one who can be flakey and immature... <yes I know although he has been a bit better recently>

Been doing BDSM, he is mostly the submissive ATM.

Was initially reluctant to play dom but found I enjoyed and was good at it. Have discussed with him previously that my ability/desire to be cruel comes from having been abused by men and is directly tapping into those (well repressed) feelings of hate.

He initially found this exciting. I know... He's quite immature, the relationship is not particularly serious. I felt this was better than freaking out, we discussed it...

I have discovered he is not particularly good at knowing what he is comfortable with though. He wants me to be ever increasingly cruel, which I am. He usually is very excited by this.

However, the other night I broke him... Literally... When he said the safety word, we were doing something he decided he wanted as a reward, it was ill advised in my view, but he was insistent without really thinking/knowing about what it would be like/listening to me about necessary preparation. I did stop immediately when he pretty much inevitably didn't like it, but felt utter contempt and full of hate for him and found it very hard to mellow and become sympathetic and comforting.

He was extremely emotional for a good hour after but said he was excited by it the day after so confident I haven't hurt him. What I'm concerned about is how it made me feel and where those feelings were coming from - pure hate and contempt, thinking 'you utter privileged weakling to get to say no and not endure the pain and humiliation your kind has heaped on me.'

We talked about it and thought we should back pedal to just having normal sex, he suggested I should speak to rape crisis about my repressed hate. But this whole thing now feels quite fucked up.

Maybe it is. But I don't feel interested in 'normal sex'. It's like I need it to be painful and cruel in some way for me to be interested.

I haven't name changed which is perhaps unwise but I don't like to. I'd appreciate it if you could be a little kind, even if you tell me the obvious, and help me work out what is going on and how to fix myself... Is it the relationship or is it me or both?

PurpleSprout Mon 13-Jan-14 21:58:12

Best wishes Offred - hope the reading & subsequent conversation goes well.

lookatmybutt Mon 13-Jan-14 23:28:48

I'm not much help, because I'm a sub... but

If it is far too triggering for you, maybe it's best if you set aside the dom stuff for a bit. I do know a few doms who had to call it a day (and even get divorced) precisely for the same reasons you think you should - I think this sub is asking too much of you and it's taking too much out of you. You're also (understandably) worried about the impact of your own responses on the sub.

I still think it would be helpful to seek out a kink friendly councellor - unfortunately I have no connections anymore so can't think of anyone specifically, but I know that Relate used to be good at helping to iron out any problems in the bedroom department. It may be a good idea, just as insurance for the future and to help with your anger problems.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now