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I want a baby, he wants to wait.

(13 Posts)
Claire1988 Sun 12-Jan-14 19:59:10

Hello, I am really upset after approaching this subject with my BF today for the second time. The first time, around October last year we had decided that after our holiday in 2014 I would have my implant out and go from there...well today's discussion has changed and he now says he would like to wait 2 years. We have been together over 3 years...lived together almost 2 years. He has 2 children from a previous relationship, I'm 26 he's 35. His excuse is money. He is going through a divorce which is almost over and has racked up about £5000 on his credit card. As of sept this year he will be free of one of his debts which will make him £200 better off per month! Leaving him just the credit card. I just can't help but think that this money scenario is a poor excuse. This has come as such a blow after getting my hopes up after discussing it previously and agreeing to start this year. I don't feel his heart is in the relationship like mine is and this has just made me question everything. He says I'm pressuring him...although I have only mentioned it today! I really don't know what to do. It hurts that I know he was the one that was persuasive for his ex to have their children and now he is making excuses to have them with me! It feels like he's being selfish, he has his children so I don't matter! Feeling very upset.

CaptainHindsight Sun 12-Jan-14 20:07:18

I don't think he is being unreasonable to want to be in a better financial position before supporting an additinal child.I think he is quite sensible.

Do you work now? Are you planning on being a SAHP? How are you going to finance any maternity/paternity leave? Childcare?

Why is he racking up Cc debt? Is he struggling financially or is it irresponsible spending?

ALittleStranger Sun 12-Jan-14 20:08:47

Honestly, at 26 I think wanting a child after just three years together is quick. You have plenty of time.

The only thing to be sure of is that he's not going to keep insisting two more years. It sounds at the moment that it's sensible to wait, but you have to make sure that he is being sensible and not just too cowardly to tell you that he doesn't want kids with you.

FaerieBells Sun 12-Jan-14 20:10:34

I don't feel his heart is in the relationship like mine is and this has just made me question everything. He says I'm pressuring him...although I have only mentioned it today!

He doesn't want another child. He's already got two. He's trying to tell you this but you aren't listening.

You're very young. How about you ditch him and find someone who shares your outlook on life?

In the meantime, use contraception. I say that with love. So many threads on here started by women who can't escape shit relationships because they have DCs with uncommitted, feckless men.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 20:10:54

Whatever else is going on the 'money scenario' sound like a reasonable reason for delaying, not a poor excuse. Babies can be very expensive luxuries and lack of money doesn't do anything positive to a relationship.

NatashaBee Sun 12-Jan-14 20:12:08

I don't think 200 pounds a month is enough to cover the costs of a baby and childcare. I would sit down with him, work out a budget for after you have the baby, then look at his debts and when they will be paid off or at least reduced enough to fit into your post baby budget. If he still hedges after that, then you know he's not telling the truth about it being down to money.

AuntieStella Sun 12-Jan-14 20:25:13

I can see waiting until debt free, and waiting until divorce is finalised, as reasonable.

But you don't.

So the question you need to ask youself is whether he is making excuses altogether or if it is a delay for practical reasons. And if either of those is a deal breaker for you.

ROARmeow Sun 12-Jan-14 20:59:17

It's hard to want to wait when the hormones are pumping and you're broody. I remember that feeling well!

But I agree with others that at 26 you do have time to wait.

But see how you get on with him and his level of commitment in other regards and don't let him delay for years and years.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 12-Jan-14 21:10:20

Have you discussed marriage, how your maternity leave will be financed, will you return to work full or part time, childcare, shared finances, shared property ownership, what happens in the event of his death(not nice to think about but would his children have a claim on your home), etc? I think you need to make firm agreements on those issues before you even consider TTC.

I think his 'money scenario excuse' is perfectly valid and in the nicest possible way he would have more of an idea than you about the financial realities, given that he has two children already whom I presume he also financially supports?

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 23:08:04

his responsibility is firstly to provide for the children he has. and then consider if he can have more.

he is being responsible. he is saying he cannot afford more children at this time. he is right.

NotNewButNameChanged Sun 12-Jan-14 23:36:38

Sorry, OP, this probably isn't what you want to hear but he is being reasonable in not wanting to start a second family while his finances are the way they are.

You are 26 and have been together three years, living together for two. There is still plenty of time for you yet.

Whether he wants ANY more children at all, as mentioned by one other poster, is another subject altogether but based solely on finances, he is right. You have to remember he is ten years older and already has two other children and he has to be in a position to finance them properly and then ensure he has funds to have another child with you. This is something you need to bear in mind and people always need to bear in mind when getting together with someone who already has a family.

Offred Sun 12-Jan-14 23:51:26

Agree with others. He is being perfectly reasonable and responsible, having 2 dc already, in wanting to get his house in order before trying for another.

I'm not sure it matters that you are young enough to wait if what you really want is a baby now.

If I were you I think I'd be concerned that at 35 with 2 children already he may not want anymore at all or that there was a danger that once his finances were sorted he might then feel too old.

I think if it is a baby you want you probably should leave and start again with someone else. If it is specifically a baby with him you really want you need to ask him to be completely honest about his feelings and whether he wants one and then take your decision from there.

Things for him are obviously going to be very complicated and he may have worried relating to starting a second family and the effect on his existing children that he is only just confronting as things with you become more real.

Do you want a baby because you want to have a child, or do you want to 'make sure of' the man? If what you want is parenthood, then it's hard to have to wait but, honestly, at 26 you do have a few years' breathing space. It's not as if you have to get pregnant NOW or your ovaries will wither.
If you think that having a baby with this particular man is a way of making him 'more into the relationship' then you are heading for disaster. Having children with his last partner didn't make him stay with her, did it?

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