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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Porn

81 replies

emtee · 12/01/2014 19:53

I've had a brief look at other threads with a similar title but I just wanted to see what people think.

I found out a couple of months ago that my OH watches porn. I've had partners before who watch it, but with them I've always enjoyed a very healthy sex life. However, ever since we got together, I've struggled to get my OH into bed. He always had an excuse and wouldn't talk about it when I tried. He would get grumpy if I even proposed the idea of sex and then wonder why I was upset. I had sort of accepted this and when I was pregnant, it was actually a bit of a blessing. However, as soon as I found out he watched porn, understandably I was pretty upset. (doesn't help that I caught him at it as I walked out of our baby's bedroom after putting him into bed). I tried talking to him about it and he claimed it was a stress relief and didn't happen very often. I then explained how I felt about the severe lack of sex and he had a plethora of excuses about how he thought I wasn't happy with my body post baby and he didn't want to make me do anything I didn't want to do. I ignored the fact that I think they were just excuses and went with it and explained the more attention he pays me, the happier I will be with myself. After that, things improved and sex has finally become a slightly bigger part of our relationship and although he still doesn't ever initiate things, he no longer huffs and puffs about it all quite so much and definitely seems to enjoy it.

However, he watches porn at every available opportunity it would seem. He works shifts and I am still on maternity leave. Whenever I leave the house he has a wank, and even does it when me and the baby are having a nap. I really don't mind the occasional wank, what bothers me is when he does it and how often he does it (not to mention the porn he is watching). If I try and talk to him about it he completely shuts down. I really don't know what to do! I'm really not happy at the moment but he just won't get that.

Am I being unreasonable?! I know blokes wank and watch porn, but daily and whilst I'm downstairs with the baby...

OP posts:

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2014 20:08

YANBU. He's being insensitive, indiscreet and it's negatively affecting the physical side of your relationship.

ALittleStranger · 12/01/2014 20:10

YANBU. Orgasms are a good stress reliever, but it's unacceptable to reject your partner time and time again.

emtee · 12/01/2014 20:13

I'm at a loss how to approach it though. I know he's still doing it because of the disgusting tissues he leaves in the bin. But tonight I did what I probably shouldn't have and snooped at his computer. He downloaded a whole load of new stuff yesterday and had a look at it all today (I've not left the house today). I wasn't expecting the amount or the type that I found. It was all 'milfs' or 'bigger ladies'. It makes me feel sick just thinking about it, especially as I'm 10 years younger than him and am in the process of trying to shift my baby weight...only to find out he's watching rather huge women and older ones :-(

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2014 20:17

How you approach it is that you tell him it's an unacceptable habit that's making you feel very insecure, it's taking up way too much of his time to be healthy and for chrissake, if he's going to wank, do it the way everyone else does... privately, discreetly & flush the bloody tissues afterwards.

Logg1e · 12/01/2014 20:18

There's three connected issues here I think. Firstly, a sex life you're unhappy with. Secondly, his excessive use of porn. Thirdly, his masturbating at inappropriate times.

No wonder you're at a loss where to start.

emtee · 12/01/2014 20:36

Is it wimping out/going too easy on him to leave his two latest tissues on his desk with a note "this has to stop. you won't talk to me about it so this is your chance to sort it without having to. if it carries on, we need to rethink us."

OP posts:

Logg1e · 12/01/2014 20:46

I wouldn't take that route myself emtee

emtee · 12/01/2014 20:48

any suggestions?!

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CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2014 20:49

It's too PA, sorry. If you're talking in terms of rethinking relationships then you need to make him look you in the eye when you do it or he won't listen & he won't take you seriously... again.

emtee · 12/01/2014 20:50

PA? No idea what that means!!

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SailingToByzantium · 12/01/2014 20:52

It's easy to get addicted to masturbation and porn and use it as an easy substitute for intimacy. Can you cut a deal with him 'in me or on me' which means he can only ejaculate when he's with you? See how long he can last without the easy release of porn and masturbation and he should realise what he's missing.

wallaby73 · 12/01/2014 20:53

Dunno, i actually think it's not bad as an opener......leaving his detritus lying about is distasteful and thoughtless to say the least..

ROARmeow · 12/01/2014 20:56

PA = passive aggressive. You need to be more direct and sit him down and have a grown-up talk.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 12/01/2014 20:56

Passive Aggressive... sorry for the shorthand.

emtee · 12/01/2014 21:00

He won't talk though. He just walks off and refuses to talk unless it's about something else. It's completely ridiculous. Half of me wants to use more of a threat to make him think, but I'm scared he'll just say okay and I'll end up alone with the baby and nowhere to live. I don't think he's that type of person and I'd like to think he thinks we have something worth giving up porn for, but it's hard not to worry! Gargh! Why does life have to be so complicated?!

OP posts:

Logg1e · 12/01/2014 21:05

There's no point in making an empty threat. At the moment he knows you'd rather be with him and unhappy than be without him. What's the motivation for him to change?

emtee · 12/01/2014 21:07

Well there is none. But I have no idea what to do instead. It's so hard

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SailingToByzantium · 12/01/2014 21:07

So having a bet with him to see how long he can go without masturbating is out of the question?

emtee · 12/01/2014 21:09

I would imagine so! He'd still shut down and tell me I was having a dig at him and he won't talk to me unless I change the subject.

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Logg1e · 12/01/2014 21:10

A bet? I wouldn't want to be with a man who had to be in a wager to show me respect and love.

Logg1e · 12/01/2014 21:11

He's stonewalling you OP and that's not fair. I'd try counselling, on your own, to bounce some ideas about where your boundaries lie and what options you have.

SailingToByzantium · 12/01/2014 21:16

Emtee - point accepted - a new year's resolution then to abstain or just reduce the frequency of masturbation.

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Logg1e · 12/01/2014 21:24

But he refuses to discuss it Byzantium.

Tonandfeather · 13/01/2014 01:10

What's stopping you saying that there is no earthly reason why a woman should be prevented from having a sex life and a relationship with someone who is willing to DISCUSS things and if you can't achieve either of those things with him, the relationship will have to end?

Why DO you think this is all you're worth? Do you really think this is the best man you can find, honestly?

Do you think all men are like this? Men who prefer porn to sex and who won't discuss anything?

They so aren't.

emtee · 13/01/2014 06:24

No, I know not all men are like this. I guess it's because he's the father of my child and for all his faults, the man I love.

I wrote him a long letter in the end as it was the only way he would listen to what i had to say (although I did have to sit with him whilst he read it as he initially refused). Included in it was that I wanted him to delete all of his porn, which he has agreed to do, if somewhat reluctantly.

I suppose I'll just have to see what happens from here. Wish me luck!

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