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Dating new man...his ex looks exactly like me! Red flag?

(23 Posts)
hmmmwhattothink Sun 12-Jan-14 16:49:52

I've been dating someone new for a couple of months and all is going well so far.

Today I was idly looking through his old Facebook pictures and came across one on a group night out which included his ex.

I couldn't believe how much she looked like me - same hair, facial features, taste in clothes, etc...and I'm not exactly generic looking so that fact that anyone looks like me, let alone her took my by surprise!

They were together for 13 years and they broke up almost 3 years ago, instigated by her, but according to him they'd both fallen out of love.

So...I know that some people have a "type" and that's fine, but if you were in the situation, would you view the fact that she is SO similar to me as a red flag?

hermionepotter Sun 12-Jan-14 16:55:25

shock yes bit creepy! I know what you mean - I'd be concerned about whether he liked me as a person. Yes, some people do have a type - see Rod Stewart for instance with similar looking string of wives. That's the trouble with facebook. Dunno - my exh takes gfs to same restaurants, holidays etc as we used to do confused

LyndaCartersBigPants Sun 12-Jan-14 17:02:02

I don't think it's a red flag on its own, but if he starts buying your her perfume or taking you to their favourite places I'd be alarmed!

I found it more odd that I'm the polar opposite of DP's ex, she is tall, busty, slim, blonde and high maintenance looks-wise. I'm short, curvy, short dark hair - the complete other end of the spectrum physically. However, people have noticed a similarity between DP's long standing friend and me!

hmmmwhattothink Sun 12-Jan-14 17:16:12

New man still lives in the house he shared with his ex (he bought her out)

When I first visited I absolutely loved the decor - I've never been somewhere that was so "my" taste...that was when he told me that she's an interior designer and she'd chosen every last detail!

Bizzarre...confused

piratecat Sun 12-Jan-14 17:19:07

what sort of look do you share? if not 'norm' (nosy)

cheeseandpineapple Sun 12-Jan-14 17:24:49

Hehe, just thinking same thing as pirate!

Are you first GF post ex?

RandomMess Sun 12-Jan-14 17:28:12

That's a bit creepy but presumably he is just wanting a replacement - whether consciously or sub-consciously is the question!

hmmmwhattothink Sun 12-Jan-14 17:30:18

We're both of an unusual dual heritage, dark hair dyed with exactly the same purple hue, she was wearing my favourite colour (a bright shade of green not many people would wear), same pose in photo - crooked smile, head tilted at an angle, exactly the same style of glasses...she looked like she could be my twin sister!

I'm not saying the look is not 'norm' in the sense that it is "out there" alternative, but even my own sister looks nowhere near as similar to me as this woman.

hmmmwhattothink Sun 12-Jan-14 17:30:41

Yeah, I am first girlfriend post ex...

Notawordfromtheladybird Sun 12-Jan-14 17:35:49

Could be what first drew him to you but honestly, the longer he gets to know you, the different you will look. Personality, mannerisms, and voice add a lot to how people "look" in 3d (and you're comparing 2d photos).

Unless of course she also sounds like you and you're very similar.

Has he ever used a pet name for you (that could be her old pet name?)

Sleepyhead33 Sun 12-Jan-14 17:39:23

have his friends made any comments to you about how similar you are? or his family? If you are that similar I would have expected other people to comment?

hmmmwhattothink Sun 12-Jan-14 17:40:22

He's never used a pet name for me.

She does sound similar to me personailty-wise from what he's told me. I too work in a creative profession and he told me that she was the "earthy" one in the relationship, which I could definitely see applying to me.

To be honest, I think that if I'd met her under other circumstances, we'd probably be friends!

To make things even more bizarre, even though I've lived on the other side of the city for half my life now, his cottage is on the same road where I grew up and where my parents still live!!!

hmmmwhattothink Sun 12-Jan-14 17:40:58

I haven't met any of his friends yet, nor his family (who live miles away)...

Lairyfights Sun 12-Jan-14 17:46:44

I don't think it's a red flag, people have types and gravitate towards similar types of people. If they were together 13 years then I'd be more concerned if I was the polar opposite which would, to me, suggest that something bad had happened in that relationship!

KouignAmann Sun 12-Jan-14 17:50:12

I found the same OP and it freaks me out a bit.
DP was married twenty years until his wife left him for someone else. I met him two years later and all is lovely. But I share the XW looks, lack of dress sense, values and politics.
In many ways this is a good thing because DP and I are very compatible, and it makes it easier to get on with her. In others it is a bit freaky and makes me wonder if I am just a replacement. But I am kind and loving and she was cross and critical! At least for the last ten years according to him....

hmmmwhattothink Sun 12-Jan-14 17:54:02

I see what you mean lairyfights (great name by the way)

My latest ex was the polar opposite of my previous ex. Because previous ex was totally my type physically it blinded me to how incompatible we were personality-wise. Subsequently, I overlooked that latest ex wasn't my physical type at all, purely because I didn't want to date someone who remind me of first ex in any way...needless to say, that didn't work out either, because personality-wise he was also an absolute arse!!!

hmmmwhattothink Sun 12-Jan-14 17:58:22

That's what I'm thinking Kouign

If I ever do meet new man's ex, I think it would be fairly easy to get on with her, not that I envisage I will, because they never had DC.

I'm the same age now as she was when she left him (34).

I can't help wondering whether the real reason she left is because she wanted DC and he didn't...he's 44 next month and says he's still "on the fence" about whether he wants a family.

KouignAmann Sun 12-Jan-14 18:06:18

What does he say? Does he think he will ever be a dad?

I know exactly why XW left- my DP is obsessed with his hobby and is a messy clutterer. He has many of the same faults my XH had. I was as irritated by my XH being obsessive and messy as the XW was by DP. And just as nasty, for which I am ashamed.

But somehow this time round I am more chilled and don't feel responsible for him. XW still turns up and lays into him regularly as she expects him to provide a nice home for their adult DC!

I don't think history is going to repeat itself. But it makes you think!

hmmmwhattothink Sun 12-Jan-14 18:16:38

New man is extremely tidy, just as I am (makes a refreshing change to my exes!!).

He has exactly the same taste in music and literature as I do, has a rewarding creative job, enjoys his creature comforts, is thoughtful, articulate, young outlook for his age...everything that resonates with me.

He's just said he's "not sure" whether he wants to be a dad. He doesn't come across as irresponsible in the slightest, just someone who is very contented with his current lifestyle. Given that he has a demanding job where he's often required to work late (senior designer for advertising agency) I just don't think he's entirely sure he'd be able to give DC the time and energy they deserve.

Twinklestein Sun 12-Jan-14 18:17:46

I think it's highly likely she left him because he didn't want kids OP.

I have a type and all my exbfs looked very similar - tall dark hair brown eyes, but I feel my husband was the one I was looking for, the others were auditions. I wouldn't date a man who didn't want kids though.

MadIsTheNewNormal Sun 12-Jan-14 18:23:31

I don't think it's a red flag, no. And I don't think you were 'idly' looking through his fb pictures when you just happened to stumble across photos of his ex, either. I think you were curious about her and you went hunting. Nothing wrong with that - it's normal to be curious about your boyfriend's past, and it's normal to look at his ex and try to analyse why he was attracted to her, and to compare her to yourself.

He may have a definite 'type' or she may look nothing like you.

Either way, stop over-thinking it.

hmmmwhattothink Sun 12-Jan-14 18:31:09

Mad I had no idea she'd crop up in the FB pictures - he's not a frequent user at all and I've looked through the handful of pictures he has on his profile before and there was none of him with a partner. He's not friends with her on FB, but I think one of their mutual friends must have changed their privacy settings so that a new photo of theirs from 2008 was visible to me. I knew it was her because I recognised her distinctive name.

fizzlerooo Mon 13-Jan-14 05:39:11

if you're that similar you may end up out of love with him too!! I wonder if u would be better being friends with her and binning him off lol!wink

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