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Afraid DH will have an affair as I am so FAT that our sex life is non-existent.

(61 Posts)
FattyBumBumMum Sun 12-Jan-14 13:40:51

I feel fat and ugly. I am currently 6 stone over weight after 5 DC (no excuse for it). I was a size 8 and very attractive when we met but immediately piled on weight as soon as I found out I was pregnant, got bigger afterwards due to PND. I have been 3/4 stone overweight since 1st DC (16 years old) but got much bigger after having DC5 4 years ago.

DH has consistently kept himself slim, has always worked out and is very proud of his physique. Other women have commented on him being good looking and I have had women telling me they wouldn't mind a 'bit' of him to my face shock. My self esteem is so low that I constantly question him as to whether he is doing anything behind my back, check his phone etc, as I cannot believe that he is going this long with so little sex (about once every 6 months) and think he must be getting it elsewhere. Have never had any evidence of it though.

He tells me that he wants me to lose weight as he did not marry me looking like this, he wants more sex and he wants me to be fit and feel good about myself. Well so do I and I know he's right but I just can't seem to stick to anything! He will never refuse sex but no longer instigates it and it is quick with me hating myself the whole way through. I can imagine that I would be very pissed off if he had put on as much weight as me. I find myself feeling breathless and very uncomfortable most of time, well basically I feel like utter shit!

I seem to be just waiting for him to leave me or to find out he has had an affair. Why can't I change this? I am stumped.

whodunnit Sun 12-Jan-14 17:05:45

Op your timing is perfect. Tomorrow morning is the startvof low carb bootcamp. It is easy to do, does not involve exercise necessarily and you will lose weight quickly. Channel your energy and frustration now into starting that. Don't plan and worry and fret. Just start making some changes. Sorry if this does not sound sympathetic enough - i do feel for you and feel that you have to use your present energy to your immediate benefit. Hope you are feeling a bit better.

mrsgboring Sun 12-Jan-14 19:37:02

I do wonder if your gaining weight is a by product of low mood, depression, exhaustion etc.

Personally I can't ever lose weight while hating myself and feeling down. I think you need to work on those irrespective of weight and diet issues.

FestiveSpiritedwolf Sun 12-Jan-14 20:00:43

I think others have made some of the points I was going to, like making sure that you had child free time to exercise and cook/eat properly.

One thing to remember if you eat with your DH is that you probably need to eat less than he does to maintain your ideal weight. If I eat the same amounts of food as DH does I put on weight while he maintains (blooming irritating isn't it?).

I also think that one of the problems you have is low self esteem. You need to think that you are worth taking care of to do the self care that your DH does. Yes, you weigh more than you did when you got married but that doesn't mean that you are unattractive, can't enjoy sex or that you deserve to be cheated on (I hope this is just a anxious thought you have had rather than a threat from your H). Fat is just storing a bit of excess energy, its something you have not something you are. You are still the fantastic person you were at a size 8, with the added life experience and superhumanness that comes with being a mum (of 5! wow!).

If you can have a bit more time to look after yourself, to eat well and move more and can find things to like about yourself hopefully your confidence will improve, and you'll have more energy and enthusiasm for your sex life. But more importantly you'll feel good about yourself and will be fit and healthy.

I don't know whether your DH has done anything other than have a lower sex drive than he used to to warrent your suspicions about an affair, or whether it is just your low self esteem ('Who would want me?') that is making you a bit paranoid. Either way, finding more time to look after yourself and enjoy your own interests will hopefully give you more perspective on the situation.

What do you enjoy, and what did you enjoy before having children that you'd like to take up again, can you devote more time to these things?

FattyBumBumMum Sun 12-Jan-14 21:05:43

I am a vegetarian which is the main problem. I cook meat meals for the rest of the family and just have veg or mostly carbs bread to fill myself up. I get very hungry. I am very stressed out and we have had a lot of crap to deal with over the last few years. DH is constantly telling me to eat more protein. My stomach is very bloated and I am very sluggish so I think my system is finding it hard to tolerate carbs after so long over indulging on them. It's not that I eat a whole loaf in one sitting - more that I will have 2 x toast for breakfast, sandwich for lunch, veg for dinner and more toast before bed.

I have been depressed due to some very adverse life events and that has not helped.

Before DC, we used to go clubbing 3x a week, I was a demon dancer and would walk everywhere. I have loads of dance CDs for exercise but the thought of doing any makes me want to reach for some more toast!

I have had gym membership for a year blush but can't bring myself to go and DH gets furious about it. He is more than happy for me to have time to myself to go. He has a gym on site at work so goes at lunch time. We can't go together due to the DC.

The low self esteem is a big thing and has hounded me for a long time. I put myself last on the list all the time. The 5:2 is something I plan to do every morning. I have no motivation angry at self.

Thanks for the replies. You are all really lovely! I need to pull myself out of this hole I'm in. I WILL go to the gym tomorrow.

whodunnit Sun 12-Jan-14 22:25:21

Hello op, nice to see you are a bit more upbeat now. Good on you for deciding to take action to make you feel better about yourself. The only way is up, I bet you cant w as it to see the old you appearing again. And welcome back to you.

Custardo Sun 12-Jan-14 22:30:55

if toast is your down fall

bin the toaster

not being glib, if it is an easy to reach for alternative snack for you - bin the toaster

bread is full of sugar, the reason you are on an emotional rollercoaster daily, feel sluggish, massively hungry all the time=sugar.

dont set youself up to fail. make your meals before hand so you can microwave them in a jiffy and not be tempted by a quick biscuit

AuntieStella Sun 12-Jan-14 22:31:23

Toast is a real devil!

5/2 might be a good option for you. Getting through a day in lean rations (when you're already eating differently) might be more achievable than you think.

I hope you can find your way back to dancing again - it's great exercise and it just feels good. And I think a bit of feeling good would make a world of improvement. It sounds to me as if everything has got a bit stagnant, and if you can get going again everything will lift (even if the weight is long haul).

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 22:35:17

Well, i reckon i could suggest a good way for you to lose about 50kg of dead weight - get rid of your fuckwit husband?

This is unbelievable - your DH makes you feel like shite, tells you he wants you to lose weight, not because its healthy, but because HE doesn't want to have sex with you because you don't look like you did when you met him?

Well my advice, go on a diet, join a gym, feel better about yourself and dump him

Come back and tell us how your gym visit goes. You know we'll all be here to offer support and motivation.

Mollydoggerson Sun 12-Jan-14 22:45:14

I don't think your dh is a fuckwit, I think he sounds ok.

Apart from your relationship you need to loose weight for your health and weight loss is a mood booster too.

Can you set yourself a challenge to diet and exercise for 1 month, make yourself do it for you and commit to it 100%. You will feel so much better after 1 week!

Slow and steady is the way to go. Lets face it we are all responsible for ourselves and your problem is your weight and your mounting trepidation about it (not your husband). You have the power to change this.

The lack of motivation combined with dissatisfaction can be a bit turn off, essentially it is apathy. You need to change your patterns for yourself, no matter what happens, you will feel better when you are healthier.

WhoNickedMyName Sun 12-Jan-14 22:47:26

I don't think your DH sounds like a fuckwit either. And if he only weighs 50kg then he needs to drastically cut back on the gym visits grin

Good luck tomorrow!

neolara Sun 12-Jan-14 22:47:55

I also suggest binning the bread. I stopped eating bread as an experiment a couple of months ago. I found that I ended up eating much more healthily (lots of couscous and roasted veg), but also I stopped having massive food cravings 3 hours after eating. When I ate veg instead of bread, I didn't get the whole sugar high / sugar low thing so I stayed feeling fuller for longer. I also stopped feeling bloated and getting tummy pains. Bread never filled me up and when I ate it, I used to put loads of butter and cheese on it which wasn't particularly healthy.

I did 5 /2 for one day. I felt starved and deprived one day and ate like a maniac the next. I gave up on day 2.

I agree with starting by making small changes that you can stick with. 5:2 sounds over ambitious right now and isn't for everyone anyway. Tomorrow bin the bread and dance for ten minutes at least once in the day (doesn't have to be DVD, just stick some music on, with the dc's is fine). Report back tomorrow evening!

And btw I think your DH sounds reasonable and supportive too.

FunnysInLaJardin Sun 12-Jan-14 23:12:02

actually for all those saying the DH sounds OK, if my DH says he would like me to lose weight as 'he did not marry me looking this way', he would know instantly how far to shove it.

That OP is rubbish and he is being an arse and dressing it up as concern. I have been anything from 9 to 15 stone and my DH would never be so crass as to comment on it. That would be up to me.

Do what you want to do to make yourself feel happier, not what your DH thinks you should do!

MorrisZapp Sun 12-Jan-14 23:21:20

Bread haters, are we including wholesale/ granary types too?

MorrisZapp Sun 12-Jan-14 23:22:54

Bread haters, are we including wholesale/ granary types too?

I would say yes, to begin with Morris. I'm not a bread hater by any stretch, but OP sounds over dependent on it, I think if she did just 2-3 days of alternatives she would feel quite different, probably much better, this would hopefully motivate her to make more healthy changes.

wiltingfast Sun 12-Jan-14 23:26:44

It does sound to me like your dh is putting you under pressure about it. I gained a stone and a half after 2 dc and they were 4 and 2 before I found the head space and energy to focus on myself and do something about it. I cannot imagine how long it might take to surface after 5!

The thing is, it is just about organising yourself so you can make good choices. You are talking to another toast junkie here, it is delicious but the devil's food! But my dh never mentioned it and seemed to want sex just as much etc. I think it is more difficult to start if you feel someone is watching.

I joined ww and then made the space to organise myself in a way that included limited treats. I also built in a 40m walk 5 days a week. That is just in and out to work btw. No way was I motivated to join a bloody gym.

Once you start to see a change, it becomes easier.

Hth op, good luck.

Pannacotta Sun 12-Jan-14 23:30:35

Dancing with your DCs would be a great way to start, perhaps the gym is a bit too much if you are feeling self conscious.
It is also good exercise for them when it is hard to get outside and run around (ie when its cold/dark/wet etc).

wiltingfast Sun 12-Jan-14 23:32:02

Start with one small change. Just one thing. And see how you go from there.

LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA Sun 12-Jan-14 23:34:13

What size are you op? My dp says I should loose weight. So should he. The difference being is because despite me weighing almost double what I weighed when we met, he still wants lots of sex and makes feel sexy and attractive. You have to want this for yoursrlf. Not to make someone want you. Love should not come with conditions

DownstairsMixUp Sun 12-Jan-14 23:43:52

Try the 5:2, it worked ok for me to lose a few lbs but it wasn't sustainable. I found swapping things were easier. I won't give up bread, I love it, but I was being a pig with it. I'd have a bread product for breakkie (like a muffin, all carby) then a sandwich for lunch. I switched to having toast for breakfast with natural yoghurt or granola with natural yoghurt. Lunch would be two ryvita with fruit and a small slice of cheese or vice versa. On a saturday I'd treat myself to a bacon sandwich. Swap sugar for sweetner in coffee, if your a coffee addict like me, that cuts a ton of cals on it's own.

How are you with sweets? I'm mostly savoury but get the odd pangs for something sweet so stopped keeping crap in the house and replaced it with more fruit or weight watcher pud's. Skinny cow ice cream is pretty nice to and a good fix for a sweet fix.

Swap cheese for half fat stuff, not much taste difference. Change full fat butter for half fat/low fat. Use spray oil instead of olive oil. Replace white pasta with wholewheat, fills you up as much, not that icky bloated but ravenous feeling a while later like you do with white pasta.

Cut out the jar stuff! I used to always use ragu for spag bol (a popular dish in this house) now i just use tomatoes, a stock cube, a sprinkle of salt, onion, a splash of red wine and a bit of gravy to thicken it with some tomato puree, yum and not packed full of hidden sugar! It comes up so many calories less to making your own sauce. (I know you don't eat meat but same thing applies, the jar stuff always has a ton of shite in there)

Don't think "I can't have this" just replace it with lower calorie options. I'm a crisp fiend so I just changed my usuals (flame grilled steak mccoys or cheese and onion walkers) for velvet crunch and snack a jacks.

Good luck OP!

(ps bike riding with the kids, long walks in the woods/beach, jillian michaels dvds are good to)

GarlicReturns Sun 12-Jan-14 23:49:07

he is being an arse and dressing it up as concern - Agreed.

FBB, being hungry a lot is what's making you fat. Have you tried snacking more often? Keep stuff that you like to eat nearby - make them whole & healthy snacks, not processed, but don't worry about the calorie value. You want to keep your digestion going, and your brain feeling confident there is enough food.

I'm a definite omnivore but, due to being painfully poor, have to eat a lot of pulses to top up my protein intake. Unfortunately beans bloat me to buggery - they also make me feel vaguely unwell. I have an underactive thyroid; beans & lentils, etc, are goitrogenic so this may well be why I feel so much worse in extra-poor months. I'm not sure whether there are many other good vegetarian options (soy is also goitrogenic, being a bean,) so I see this as a potentially big issue for overweight & sluggish vegetarian women.

Would you eat meat, or fish?

I disagree with those saying bin the toast. Wholemeal toast with, say, Marmite and tomatoes - or just tomatoes - is a great source of vitamin B, plus protein and Vitamin E from the bread. It's also filling and makes your digestion do some work smile

As a dancer, how about doing Zumba? It should be a lot of fun for you! You might also sign up for some belly-dancing and Pilates - both fabulous for core strength & sexiness. No need to do things the way H says, play to your strengths! I used to dance like crazy, too, and really enjoy all the above. When I was fit I did kick-boxing, too. Dancers have the balance for it.

GarlicReturns Sun 12-Jan-14 23:51:38

YY, Panna, I was thinking about dancing with the DC! If you have a wii fit, xbox or whatever you Young People play these days you can do dance challenges, tennis and yoga with them, too.

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