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Afraid DH will have an affair as I am so FAT that our sex life is non-existent.

(61 Posts)
FattyBumBumMum Sun 12-Jan-14 13:40:51

I feel fat and ugly. I am currently 6 stone over weight after 5 DC (no excuse for it). I was a size 8 and very attractive when we met but immediately piled on weight as soon as I found out I was pregnant, got bigger afterwards due to PND. I have been 3/4 stone overweight since 1st DC (16 years old) but got much bigger after having DC5 4 years ago.

DH has consistently kept himself slim, has always worked out and is very proud of his physique. Other women have commented on him being good looking and I have had women telling me they wouldn't mind a 'bit' of him to my face shock. My self esteem is so low that I constantly question him as to whether he is doing anything behind my back, check his phone etc, as I cannot believe that he is going this long with so little sex (about once every 6 months) and think he must be getting it elsewhere. Have never had any evidence of it though.

He tells me that he wants me to lose weight as he did not marry me looking like this, he wants more sex and he wants me to be fit and feel good about myself. Well so do I and I know he's right but I just can't seem to stick to anything! He will never refuse sex but no longer instigates it and it is quick with me hating myself the whole way through. I can imagine that I would be very pissed off if he had put on as much weight as me. I find myself feeling breathless and very uncomfortable most of time, well basically I feel like utter shit!

I seem to be just waiting for him to leave me or to find out he has had an affair. Why can't I change this? I am stumped.

brokenhearted55a Sun 12-Jan-14 13:50:03

Can you start working out with him or join the same gym?

Sounds as if he would support you.

nopanicandverylittleanxiety Sun 12-Jan-14 13:51:41

I agree with the pp, it sounds like it would make you much happier

hippo123 Sun 12-Jan-14 14:02:12

Do you want to lose weight? If so have you tried joining slimming world? But do it for you, not anybody else.

meditrina Sun 12-Jan-14 14:15:19

I think he sounds OK, actually - this bit: "he wants me to be fit and feel good about myself" is a positive message.

Yes, you're going through a tough time, and your self esteem has become bound in with your weigth (and other things?).

But you've realised this, which really does open up the possibilities for change. It's not your weight that will drive him into a wholly hypothetical affair You do have a chance to change this and stay married.

Not by looking at the numbers on the dial of the scales or on your clothes labels. But looking more widely at your life and your family life.

The demands of 5 children are huge. Have you had any time to yourself in the last 16+ years? You might not have the confidence right now to plunge off into a new hobby or whatever to get "you" back, but having a bit of quiet time to yourself might help.

likeit Sun 12-Jan-14 14:18:45

I've lost 4st on WW and I really so recommend it. I need the structure and shame of a weigh in.

likeit Sun 12-Jan-14 14:18:54

*do!

Pannacotta Sun 12-Jan-14 14:20:25

I think he sounds supportive of you.
Why don't you try the 5:2 plan? Its not really like a diet as you can eat what you like 5 days a week and there is fantastic support here on Mumsnet.
Am sure it must be very hard work having 5 DCs but being slimmer and more importantly fitter will make you feel much better about yourself and should help give you more energy for day to day life with all your DCS...
Good luck.

DisgraceToTheYChromosome Sun 12-Jan-14 14:22:14

You're 50% there, you know. He's supportive and concerned which means you have someone to help along the way.

What is your actual relationship with food? Do you use it as a reward for a difficult day, or overdo portion sizes, or binge on fat/sugar/starch in a craving/loathing cycle? Do you care about recipes and cooking, or is it just the most calories for the least input?

Exercise: I'm guessing that as well as breathlessness, movement is painful. Are you afraid of falling?

In my case, I've dropped from nearly 20 stone in August to around 17. I can now start to consider pushing myself as injury becomes less likely.

My eating habits were small breakfast, fast food lunch, big dinner. Now they're medium breakfast (muesli and a pint of milky sweet coffee) and a low fat high fibre high protein lunch eaten as close to 3 pm as I can manage. Nothing after that bar black tea. One binge day a week, no alcohol, no snacks.

Get some weight off first, then exercise. Really gentle exercise like 10 minute walks to start. Nothing that puts your head below your waist or bends any joint through more than 90 degrees. A hear rate monitor is good; stops you going silly.

HTH.

MasterP0 Sun 12-Jan-14 14:32:29

OP, you've identified YOUR problem, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Good Luck.

I've put on weight as I took time out from gym (6 weeks) I LOATH myself at this weight, I feel lethargic, fat, unattractive and ugly.....tomorrow is my first day back at gym, and I'm dieting (which I don't usually do, as I think diets aren't a long term solution, but I have to), I follow the Paleo lifestyle, but 6 weeks ago all that went to pot and I binged on sugars and processed rubbish!

YOU gave the power to turn this around!

wallypops Sun 12-Jan-14 14:41:37

I've put on 35 kgs from pre pregnancy weight. Couldn't find the motivation to diet. Finally found a bit then watched the Michael Moseley documentary (I think I found it on vimeo) and found it ultra motivating. I've 5:2 since April and lost 12 kg (it was 15)wink and found it easy. I'm afraid it's a forever option but apart from the first 2 weeks it's a walk in the parkgrin.
Get really motivated - the documentary will help. You could also do some juicing. Expensive but effective. I'm sure someone will give you their juicer. Most people hate them after the first month.

ineedanexcuse Sun 12-Jan-14 14:56:35

Its the sugar for me and when I get the amount I consume down I feel so much better in myself -but its a drug that calls me whenever I am down or stressed .I know it stresses me out even more but I ignore that while chomping on a kit kat or mindlessly emptying packets of biscuits.

The 5.2 'diet' is a great way to start getting to grips with your weight. I realised just how much better I felt by not having so much junk . That helped cut down the amount I ate in the days when I could eat normally.

I was doing really well on this but I got a bad case of norovirus and then it was Christmas so it all went to pot. blush

I am getting back on track now and am starting to feel good about myself again.Hopefully this is the year I actually reach my goal.

headoverheels Sun 12-Jan-14 16:02:23

I recommend reading Eating Less by Gillian Ripley. It's not really a diet but looks at the reasons why we overeat and gives you some techniques for bringing it under control.

lubeybooby Sun 12-Jan-14 16:10:48

it's amazing what losing even 10lb can do, you will feel less breathless and so much more comfortable, I've been there.

I'm sure you actually look fine and are being too harsh on yourself, but I have def been there with feeling crap and breathless etc.

I've had most success just calorie counting, making it up as i go along according to the food I usually eat, just better portions and more veg basically. I'm about to start the 5:2 one for a bit of a change though.

Don't do crash diets or starve yourself as you won't stick to it

I've never done it but have heard slimming world is best when you find things really hard to stick to as there's so much unlimited stuff you can have and it still works

good luck

WhoNickedMyName Sun 12-Jan-14 16:15:15

Stop with the questioning him, checking his phone, etc.

THAT is what will drive him away eventually, not your lack of sex life and your weight.

You need to start carving out a bit of time for you, and do something not weight related, to make yourself feel good, whether that's a manicure or a haircut or whatever.

But ultimately there is only one person that can motivate you to lose weight and that's you. FWIW (and I say this on every thread like this) the only diet I've ever seen numerous people stick to and keep the weight off - and by that I mean keep it off for years - is slimming world.

OhBabyLilyMunster Sun 12-Jan-14 16:17:30

I think your husband sounds a bit lovely. It would be even harder to lose weight and make changes if he was sat in the chair overweight encouraging you to ring for a pizza every night. Let him help you with regard to diet and exercise, and start with baby steps. Walking is fab. Get yourself an app and record the distances you walk, build up slowly.

Are you still breastfeeding? I found personally that the baby weight stayed on while feeding, and it took until the return of regular periods to get some weight to come off.

DixieGoesToHollywood Sun 12-Jan-14 16:18:45

Your husband sounds nice and supportive of you which can only be a good thing!

I've put on weight since I met DP, although she doesn't seem to have noticed confused (about 1 1/2 stone), or so she claims! However I can see that 5 stone since you met is a bit more of a change in your appearance, not to mention it must be bad for your health, but I'm sure you know all that.

I don't think from what you've said it sounds as if your DH is having an affair, however I think you need to lose weight for YOU, so you start to get your mojo back! Talk to your DH and get him on board with helping you lose weight.

TBH losing weight would be the right thing to do for your health, but you can still be fat and sexy (while you are losing the weight).

You sound really down and miserable and as though all your self-confidence has been knocked out of you. Losing weight might help you feel better about yourself, but there might be other things you could to boost your self-esteem. Do you enjoy your work? Do you have hobbies you enjoy or friends who make you feel good about yourself? Do your clothes flatter you? Do you look after your hair and nails? Have your read something or done something new recently which has made you feel excited and engaged?

Losing a lot of weight is a slow process and there is no point putting your life on hold until you reach your goal. I bet your DH would be thrilled to see you looking confident and happy - even if you aren't slim (yet). He might be aware that you aren't enjoying sex (hating yourself the whole way through) and that might be putting him off from initiating something he knows will upset you.

Lazyjaney Sun 12-Jan-14 16:26:02

You have correctly identified the risks OP, now you need to do something about it.

At the moment he seems supportive, but don't assume that's a forever thing, especially if you carry on with the constant suspicions and questions.

NatashaBee Sun 12-Jan-14 16:31:34

It doesn't sound like he's having a affair to me - more that he doesn't want to instigate something he knows you won't enjoy. Typical affair behaviour would be criticizing you and finding fault (based on the threads on here, anyway) and it sounds like he is trying to be gentle and supportive. What kind of diet/ exercise plan does he have, is it something you can just piggy back onto? Can you start by getting out and about doing something active with the children?

BillyBanter Sun 12-Jan-14 16:32:54

Importantly, you don't feel happy at your weight and that would probably be the case whatever the attitude of your DP.

There are a lot of different 'solutions' to wanting to lose weight and I have no idea what would work best for you. how did you keep trim before?

Once you have decided on a plan for you, you can discuss with your DP about how best he can support you. This might involve him giving up some time at the gym to look after the kids while you do a class, for instance.

MissScatterbrain Sun 12-Jan-14 16:34:10

How does he find the time to go to the gym a lot with 5 DCs?

Do you both have equal amounts of child free leisure time? Does he spend a lot of time doing his share of the child care and housework?

I wonder if you had more time to yourself, you would feel less tired and more motivated to lose weight/work out. As it is I suspect you are in a vicious circle where you are too tired to cook and eat properly and unable to find the time and energy to exercise.

OP, look back at your eating habits when you were a size 8.
What's different now?

I put on 5 stone gradually when I had my 3 dc. After the last one it made me so very unhappy I finally managed to change my eating habits for good. I lost the 5 stone a couple of years ago and while I've put a few pounds back on over Christmas, I know I will never go back to where I was.

My dh (always been slim) never commented on my weight, I was a size 8-10 when I married him but he didn't marry a dress size, did he. He was very supportive, but has said on several occasions that it was not the weight I lost which has pleased him most, it was my regained confidence in myself.

You can do it - but do it for yourself, not because you fear he might stray otherwise.

Lweji Sun 12-Jan-14 16:52:48

He tells me that he wants me to lose weight as he did not marry me looking like this,

You also married for better and for worse, presumably.

The part of feeling good about yourself is fine, as is wanting you to be fit and healthy.
But you should lose weight for yourself and your health, not to keep a man.

Speaking from the point of view of someone whose husband got overweight, it was not his weight that put me off him. Physically it was fine. It was his personality that was the problem.

defineme Sun 12-Jan-14 17:02:18

I'm very interested in how he finds the time for the gym too?
If you don't have equal free time, why not?
I think rosemary connely classes are good because it's a lot of normal looking women doing straight forward aerobics at their own pace, very non threatening environment.
I also think arranging a regular walk or something with a friend works because you'll keep going rather than letting a friend down.
If you were a size 8 before, can I ask have you checked your BMI? You may be overwhelmed by thinking of 5 stones when losing less would still get you to a healthy weight.
Stop demeaning yourself by spying on your dh... you'll only make yourself feel crap doing that.

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