I Resent my SAHD

[Changeynameyname]

My OH took a new job when our baby was just a few months old. The old job had a good wage but also a lengthy commute. The new job pays school leaver wage and was working in his friends shop. He assured me that a pay rise would be after 1 year and the job was secure.

11 months later he was made "redundant" from the new job. He is now unemployed and stays at home with our toddler. He is looking for a new career but nothing has come about yet.

I utterly resent him! I am forced to work 50+ hours in a very high stress job. I see my toddler for an hour a day at the maximum and have to work 7-10 days in a row for a day off. I was supposed to be signed off sick for stress and anxiety attacks but had to return to work instead.

The resentment stems from the fact that he has never financially supported me at all. We have always split 50/50 any outgoings. This was incredibly tough when I was on SMP for 9 months. Now he is on JSA I am expected to pay 100% of everything so that he has spending money... Despite that it is only just below the SMP rate, that I was expected to live off.

I just want to run away and live in a bubble with my amazing toddler who I miss like crazy. I hate my OH for taking him away from me.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Well you're going to get quite a few responses from people saying 'it's not your money, it's family money' and pointing out that lots of men are in the same situation as you and don't complain about supporting their families. :) But I think what you're saying here is that you feel you've been deceived. The SAHD situation was not a shared decision made for positive reasons or planned but more of a fall-back because of a series of events, some out of his control and some poor choices. It has been foisted on you and it's always stressful to feel you are at the mercy of events. If it's making you ill, then it's serious.

'Looking for a new career' sounds a little too wishy-washy and open-ended to me. Time to have a frank conversation, get the resentment out on the table and set some deadlines.

[onetiredmummy]

Did you talk about which parent would be the stay at home one? Did you agree to go back to work or did he present you with the solution of his new job & you felt obliged to accept it?

There seems to be more going on OP than the money issue. But I can see why you're upset about the finances yes. The time for a full & frank discussion about finances is here.

[HawthornLantern]

Have you discussed with him why he thinks it is acceptable for you to subsidise him now but when you were on SMP you had to pay your way? What did he say?

It may not be the most mature reaction but I'd be tempted to give him access to the same amount as you had when on SMP and see how he copes. The downside is that he is likely to be resentful and difficult and if he does find a well paying job in the future then he may not be willing to share the financial rewards or develop a mature way to manage joint finances - the downs and the ups in future.

[gamerchick]

I didn't know you could claim jsa when one of you was working full time and especially when a stay at home parent. Has it changed?

[Worriedthistimearound]

Well you needed to sit down and talk as the resentment is clearly building up in you. I understand you're stressed as your job is so intensive and you feel the pressure of being the breadwinner. What I don't understand is that you even resent the 50/50 split!! That is a little unreasonable.

I sah and DH works f/t but there's no resentment from him. If he resented me bring at home and being the one spending time with the kids then we'd need to reassess the situation as that wouldn't be fair to him.

If you're having money worries then he really needs to pull his finger out and get a job assuming that childcare costs wouldn't just eat up all of one salary leaving you in the same position. Have you talked to him about the situation? Maybe he could get a job and you drop a day or take something else a little less stressful. The important first step is to talk about it though and let him know how you feel.

[Worriedthistimearound]

Also, please don't feel like your OH us 'talking you DS away from you.' Presumably if you left him you'd still need to work? Retuning to work is a difficult time for most mums but that in itself is not you DHs fault.
Is he willing to talk?

[Changeynameyname]

He gets contributions based JSA, based on the level of national insurance he paid last year- it's only for 6 months maximum though.

The plan was that we would both work full time, but that would have meant only 35 hours over 4 days for me. Our child has a great nursery place (luckily they are so understanding and are keeping the place open).

The financial issues come from the fact that he lied to me about a lot of debt that he brought into the relationship. He then lied about the fact that he had been saving money (did he fuck, he spent it on a new guitar). He can't be trusted with the JSA as it's such a small amount of money but makes the difference between me staying afloat or not.

There is a deadline to this situation. I have told him that if there isn't a job by the time his JSA ends then I will be moving to the area where I come from (much cheaper living costs) with or without him.

[gamerchick]

Sounds fair enough.

[tribpot]

Yes, the situation has little to do with the fact that he is a SAHP and a lot to do with the fact that he was willing to leave you on little income when he was working but is not prepared to do the same when the situation reversed. I'm not sure why you can't just say 'I lived on SMP, I will top your JSA up to that level and no higher'? I suspect it's because since you had to live on no money he's revealed these debts he can no longer afford.

It sounds as if he took the shop job without consultation? And is supposedly job hunting but doing nothing? And in addition has previous for being feckless with money.

I think he should be considering bankruptcy. You should be considering cutting your losses as well - not because he's a SAHP (so is my DH) but because he's a pisstaker.

[fifi669]

Many men have to live in the same way you are, time to suck it up I think!

Think of the threads where SAHM is being pressured to go back to work and everyone jumps on their DP as being controlling or not respectful of her wishes. That it's her right to choose etc.

Your DP is looking for work, give him sometime. You running off with the toddler achieves nothing as you'll still be working and not seeing him. If your DP is the primary carer for DC you might even see less of him should he go for residence.

[Worriedthistimearound]

Well it sounds like he's being lazy and feckless. It's good that you've made it clear that he needs to pull his weight as at the moment it sounds as though he brings nothing to the relationship.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Deception again. He lied abut the debt, the savings, the pay rise in the shop job, and you don't believe he was made redundant either. The 'SAHD' aspect is therefore a red herring and what you're really saying is that you can't trust him. Liars make very poor partners.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

'suck it up'... priceless and also predictable. Missing the point completely.

[Worriedthistimearound]

Fifi, I disagree. Yes, many men are the ones working whilst their wives stay at home but that is just as unacceptable if the husband is unhappy being the only one working or the wife is unhappy being at home. For such an arrangement to work, both partners need to be happy with the situation otherwise resentment builds like in this case.

OP is only being unreasonable if what she's expecting is her DH is go to work and let her sah as it doesn't sound as though family finances allow that. It sounds more as though he's been lazy and rubbish with money though.

[Changeynameyname]

Sorry the SAHD issue wasn't meant to be a red herring. It is just the issue that hurts me the most. I miss my baby so much. This is killing me not seeing him. I could probably cope with the finances on a temporary basis if I still had time for cuddles... But I don't so I can't.

fifi if you can show me a man who spent 1 year and 1 month on maternity leave. Spending every single day with the baby, only ever being apart for two hours at the most, having an amazing close bond... To then return to work.. To then after adjusting back into work after two weeks be FORCED to see that child for only an hour a day. If you find me a man who can cope with that then I will suck it up! I don't doubt for a second that it is hard for dads who work... But this is not the same situation in the slightest!

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I meant 'red herring' in that it's masking the real problem of the lack of trust. It's symptomatic rather than a cause. Didn't mean that you're trying to were trying to confuse anyone. IME it's only once you understand the core problem that you can successfully tackle it.

[fifi669]

Her DP isn't even a SAHP he's trying to find work.

If a man disagrees with his partner being a SAHM what are his options? The only thing he can do is leave and as primary carer she will get residence and he'll see less of his kids. I don't see why it wouldn't be the same here if OP decides to leave.

His financial attitude is shit though. Is everything concerning money out in the open now so you know exactly what you're dealing with?

[Changeynameyname]

I'm annoyed at the shop job because they were supposed to be his friends. He went to school with the guys who kicked him to the floor! They knew our baby, they knew I was ill with anxiety.

The "redundancy" is doubtful to me because they were advertising for another member of staff as soon as he left. Not the same role but OH could have been retrained to do it. These guys were his friends!

[scallopsrgreat]

fifi669. I don't see why the OP should have to bear the responsibility of other MNers issues and posts on here. This is her issue and she isn't being unreasonable. She didn't make the choice to work 50 hours a week. She had to support herself through SMP and yet her husband expects to be supported now. He lied about debt. He took a job without consultation and now appears not to be looking for a job despite saying he is. I have never seen a thread on here where the OP is like the DH of Changeynameyname and been advised that her behaviour is OK.

How are his other contributions to family life Changey? Does he pull his weight with housework for instance?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You mean he was fired.... Redundancy means that the role is redundant, not the individual. If he was quickly replaced then the role was not redundant and he would potentially have a case for wrongful dismissal.

[IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKaleesi]

I can totally see why you're so upset, not because of the sahd issue but because all this has been forced on you and that's bound to make you resentful

I think telling him you're not happy to continue living this way is a good idea and giving him a deadline too, but remember that if you do decide to end the relationship then main residency is usually awarded to the primary carer which at the moment is him. Now obvioulsy he might not want your dc full time or you might come to a good 50/50 agreement between you but it's something you should keep in mind when you're making your plans because it might not be as simple as you taking your baby and leaving

[fifi669]

In all honesty OP a man isn't allowed to have that time off so couldn't be in that situation.

[Worriedthistimearound]

Eh, fifi, if DH disagreed with me being a sahm then I wouldn't be one. Why would I continue to do something that made him unhappy? I'm a sahm because otherwise he couldn't do his job, which he loves. I'm fine with it so everyone is happy. Hut if he resented it in the way the OP does then we'd discuss it and work out something else.

It's ridiculous to say the only option would be to leave. Marriage is a partnership and you don't just leave because you disagree over something. The OPs partner is behaving badly not because he's at home with their toddler but because he doesn't seemed bothered that she unhappy and because he's being feckless with their finances.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

He's not been in this SAHD role for six months yet. Almost unheard of for any court to award residency of a very small child away from the mother, even if Dad is very involved in their care.

[fifi669]

If that's true than that is inequality at its finest. Women are no better parents then men.