Where has h's wages gone??

[Longdistance]

There's a huge back story to my h, and the way he treats me, but I'll be as short as I can.

We started off with seperate bank accounts when we moved in together, and got married. This seemed fine at the time, as I earned only slightly less than h, and paid bills equally, though I paid for my car finance. In total we used to take home just over 5k month between us.

Our mortgage is small, due to me selling my house when the prices rocketed in 2007. So it's not a big thing in our budget.

Cue 2009 when dd1 was born, and I was on smp, so not taking home loads, then had dd2 in 2011. Still seperate accounts, and had to ask him to take over paying for some things.

During dd2's pg, h was offered an opportunity to work in Oz. I really didn't want to go. I have my family, and friends here. Basically, all my support network. I had my lovely job, that I had been doing for about 14 years and a vision of retiring with the company, I was that happy there.

Cue, to much blackmailing about Oz being better for the dc, we'd be better off, nicer lifestyle. Me saying, no I'm happy in the Uk. He laid on lots of pressure, and bullied me til I agreed to move

So, we lived there for two years, until h got made redundant, and we had to move back as we were on a temporary visa thank god in this time, I quit my job under duress :( and I was homesick. I had zero support in my homesickness from h. It was basically 'get over it' attitude from him.

So, we get back to the Uk, and dh is getting interviews here and there. He's trying to pick his work as in how much it pays? And what the package is. He gets a new job, gets his first wage, and puts £700 into our joint account. He got paid £4k this was on the 17th. To now, he's saying we don't have the any money.

Now, I'd understand it, if we spent it on Xmas, but I bought all the gifts for everyone and food on the credit card as we didn't know when he'd get paid. He hasn't given me a penny towards thus cc, as I've used some of the £700 he gave me.

So my Sherlock friends...where has this money disappeared to?

Sorry, that was the short version

[wallypops]

I think you need to see the bank statement. Do you have online access. I know that I am often amazed by the money leaving my account - it really adds up, and fast. It might not be as sinister as it first appears.

Sorry, anyway. Communication with husband not yielding much info I take it.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Wherever its gone, you have not seen a penny of it and will not do so either. Drink, secret loan repayments, gambling debts could perhaps well account for where the rest of the money has done.

I have to ask this as well, why on earth are you still together given his behaviours towards you - and by turn the DC. What do you get out of this relationship exactly?. Why have you put up with someone who is so uncaring towards you and only does what he wants to do?.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships here?. They are learning from the two of you after all, what are you teaching them?. Would you want your children to have the same sort of relationship as you currently have?.

[onetiredmummy]

Alcohol?

Drugs?

Other women?

Somewhere you can't get it as its his money that he has worked for & not yours/family money?

Something else you would disapprove of or something he knows you would not like.

A present/surprise for you?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You don't need Sherlock, you need open finances...i.e. full declaration of all bank and credit card statements, passwords for online accounts & a big shake-down of who pays for what and other financial expectations/decisions. In the light of his other pressure tactics, bullying and general disrespect for you as a person, financial abuse would just be part of the continuum. Sorry you're in this situation

[CajaDeLaMemoria]

So he was due to be paid £4k, and got paid £700?

I was going to say that transport and work costs can really add up, especially if your work place likes to go out for lunch etc.

But with that much of a difference, I don't think it can bejust that.

Is it possible that he had debt from the move/being unemployed that he needed to pay?

Or that hes misunderstood/lied about his wage, and doesn't actually get £4k?

[Squitten]

Haven't a clue. Ask him:

You: Why are you saying we have no money? You got paid £4K. You gave me £700. You have £3,300.
Him: Xmas, etc
You: No, Xmas was all on the credit card because we didn't know about your wages. Where is the £3,300?
Repeat until he tells you

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

There are clearly a lot more issues within your relationship than where one months salary has gone

I suppose the short answer to that particular question though is do you think he probably spent on CCs before receiving this pay (the same as you did)?

You need to sit and have a frank and open discussion with him in regards to current and on-going finances.
Moving to Oz and back can't have been cheap, did you discuss this between you at the time? Do you still have the same house/small mortgage? Will you be returning to work now you are back in the UK?

It sounds horrible to move to Oz under duress with a toddler and a baby - I'm not at all surprised it didn't work for you on a personal level. Did you have any say at all in these massive life-changing decisions?

Take stock of how things are now, and decide how you want things to be for your family from now on. And tell him. Until he realises that you are equally as important in this relationship I think you'll have more of the same down the line.

[Longdistance]

No Caja, he got paid £4k, and put £700 into the joint account as the rest was in his. He got it paid into his account and transferred £700 into the joint account.

[paperlantern]

could be anywhere. He could have run up a heap of credit card debt you know nothing, about he could be supporting a mistress, he could be putting a whole load into savings account in his own name. truth is you really haven't a clue and actually you have no right to find out without his cooperation

you need to start with seeing his wage slip and the account the money goes into and checking they match. then you need him to sign up to experian and get from them a list of his credit cards.

I could go on but for me this would be a deal breaker whether it's deliberate or accidental. in my exH case he was running up credit cards taking out cash. i don't know where he spent it. Definitely wasn't in his young family although he claimed it was. nearly ended up liable for the lot

[Ruprekt]

Dunno but I would be asking him some very direct questions!

[Fairenuff]

What does he say when you ask him?

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

So have you asked him? Seen the bank statements? Or are you just going to tolerate this the way you've done the rest of his behaviour?

[Viviennemary]

I'd be asking him for the money back that you have put into the house. Since he seems unwilling to share his money with you. What a lot of problems money causes.

[paperlantern]

the Frank and honest chat is unlikely to work.

I demanded full access to every thing exh gave me "full access" to only one of his many accounts and 3 of his multiple credit cards.

Before anyone berates you for not having a joint account. This can happen just as easily if you have a joint account as a single. it's just twice as hard if you do decide to separate

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Money doesn't cause the problems Viviennemary... selfish knobbers cause the problems :)

[paperlantern]

actually CSA back payment deduction of earnings order would do it too. Just saying.

bet ExH wife is wondering why they are so short this month

[Bloodyteenagers]

Ask him where it is.

[ashamedoverthinker]

Have you seen proof he got paid 4k. Maybe his job isnt as 'big' as he'd like you to think.

I think it's really twatish not to be fully transparent with finances. You have to agree on your joint commitments and then what you both do with 'allowances' is up to the individual.

[lalalonglegs]

I'm confused. Is he saying the £700 has all gone (which I can easily understand - council tax/utilities/petrol/food/insurance etc could easily eat up that amount) or that "his" £3300 has gone too which is more of an issue? If the latter, I'd guess, as others have, some sort of addiction or he is simply lying so he doesn't have to share it with his family.

[FunkyBoldRibena]

He's right. You as a couple have no money. Because he as a person has stashed it away.

It's a power thing.

[Longdistance]

He got paid $50k redundancy, of which 12k was removals. Flights were paid by company as it is the companies responsibility due to the visa we were on.

We rented out our house, and was making £750 profit a month on it. I had no access to this, as h dealt with it, as having a toddler and a new baby at the time, I trusted him to deal with it. I hadn't seen a penny, and in 20 months I had seen the account twice. I now have access to the account, but haven't thouruoghly checked it yet, as really need to sit down and do my sums on that one. When we arrived back to the Uk we had just under 3k in that account from the rental. Where was the rest. I've seen some has been put in to pay the mortgage off, but really need to go through it with a fine tooth comb.

He has history for buying shares. When I was pg with dd1 he bought 2k in shares without consulting me. He's recently lost out on HMV shares and some bum Lloyd's shares totalling about £1,200. He's attitude was oh well. I had told him that things like that needed discussing, and that I wasn't happy with they purchases.

Btw, I shop in Lidl, so I'm not extravagant when it comes to buying food.

[Longdistance]

I saw the pay slip btw. 4.3k. I was 'given' £700 of it in the joint account.

[3littlefrogs]

He is either spending it or stashing it away. Either of which is entirely inappropriate within a marriage.

This must be very stressful for you.