Coping with DH rages

[FeMay30th]

I am so ashamed I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about this. I have been married for 7 years to a really wonderful, kind and lovely man but since we had are ds 2 and half years ago; my dh flies into foul rages every month or so. He shouts at me (and sometimes wake me up to do this), hits things (not me), slams doors and screams. This usually happens when we haven't been getting enough sleep because of ds, or when we have to travel or he has some issues at work.

It happened on Thursday night. He was putting DS to bed and it wasn't going very well and after about an hour I heard DH running down the stairs swearing and DS crying. I went to see DH to ask him what was wrong to offer to take over bedtime and DH just started shouting at me telling me I was pressuring him and had pushed him too far. An hour earlier we had just finished dinner and were playing with our son, it felt like it came out of nowhere. After I had calmed down DS and he had gone to sleep, I tried to talk with DH again but he just shouted at me so I left the room. I cried myself to sleep in our bed and this just seems to infuriate DH. On Friday he emailed me to say how sorry he was and the he knows what he did was wrong and instinctively I want to forgive him. But I know DS must have heard what happened and that he shouldn't see his father behave this way but I don't know what to do, please help me.

I know the effect this type of behaviour can have on children - as my mother also used to have these type of angry rants (she throws things at my dad and would fly into unprovoked rages). it took me many years of adult life to realise that this was not my fault and I was not a bad person. How did I end up in this situation again...

[BillyBanter]

Did he say what steps he intends to take to prevent him doing this again, any details of the counselling he intends to undertake, or the GP appointment he has made to ask for anger management support etc?

[FeMay30th]

He has been looking at some information on how to sort this out, I broached the subject of counselling tonight and will try to talk with him about this again tomorrow. He told me this evening, he was like this when he was a teenager and his parents used to just ignore him. I think he wants me to just ignore it but I can't because of DS.

[justgivein]

I am so sorry I was just as bad as your husband. I only stopped when I realised I was turning my 12 year old into a replica of me ,just like my father ,I some how stopped losing it,red mist, hulk rages as my wife called them pretty much overnight.Goodluck op.

[charleypops]

Hi, sorry you're having to deal with this. It sounds similar to what happened with me a few years ago after we had children. He'd seem to get over his rages quite quickly, but I'd find them devastating and after each one I found myself getting further and further away from him. He went to counselling after I'd begged him to, but came back from his sessions kind of pumped up and telling me he had nothing to apologise for and that he was a good person. When ds2 was 2yo, I couldn't take anymore and left. I would have left a year before only I was scared - I had no family support and ds1 is severely disabled. Nevertheless I sorted a place to live and it was a huge relief. After a further year of enduring more of his rages we became friends - my mum and dad were not together from when I was 2yo and my mum had these rages too throughout my childhood - directed at me, my brother and my dad (we couldn't utter the word dad without her screaming her head off). I was determined not to bring my boys up like that so dug deep and made friends with my ex.

However, I did discover recently that he'd been having an affair and he admitted the guilt added to "the pressure" (along with dealing with ds's disabilities) which caused the rages.

In retrospect I'd been "trained" by him - in order to avoid him flying into these rages I'd become a person I was not and shouldn't have been, constantly trying to keep the peace and never daring to tell him how upset he was making me - kidding myself too.

We're much happier and healthier apart.

Good luck. Xx

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

Does he have these "rages" at work? Towards anyone else? Or just at home with you and your DCs.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You don't cope with rages. You reject the aggressor, tell them their behaviour is unacceptable and show them the door.... even if it's temporarily. ZERO TOLERANCE for several reasons. 1. You and your children are not metaphorical punch-bags for him to take his frustrations out of. 2. It shows him that there are serious consequences to his actions and might incentivise him to change and 3. Abusive men often only reveal themselves with the arrival of the first child and verbal aggression can very easily turn into physical violence... so safety.

A 'wonderful kind' man would be able to control himself. He is CHOOSING not to do that.

[Clutterbugsmum]

Don't try to talk to 'D'H about this again. Tell him he makes and goes and see his Gp about his anger or he leaves.

There is no if's or but's. He is abusing both you and your DS, it irrelevant whether he hitting you or an object it still abuse.

He doesn't behave like this at work because he would have been sacked if he did.

[BumPotato]

Wonderful men don't have these rages. As someone else asked does he rage with others? Friends? Work colleagues? No? He's an abusive twat.

Sorry.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents; yours set a particularly bad example. BTW are they still together?.

No-one thought to protect you and you grew up seeing violence and hearing it but things are different now and you can and should protect your DS. Doing this entails leaving your H; there is no other option open to you now. History does not have to further repeat itself.

This is not and has never been about anger management at all because he can control himself outside the home. This is about instead power and control and that lies at the heart of abuse; this man wants absolute over you and your child. Do you really want your son to remember his dad's monthly rages as one of his main childhood memories?. Of course not.

You have a choice re your H; your child does not. Do you want your son potentially growing up to be the same as his dad now is?.

[Lweji]

Actually, tell him he stops or he (or you) leaves.
He should get all the help he needs, but he needs to stop. Just stop.
Seeking help only, will only allow him to continue because he's "working on it".
If he has to leave and then gets better, you could then reconsider.
But the important thing is that he knows you won't put up with it for you and for your son.

Meanwhile, make a plan and seek legal help, just in case, and so that you are prepared.

[Fairenuff]

At the moment he still thinks that 'raging' is an option for him. It's not.

If he does it again call the police and let him tell them why it's ok.

Once he see consequences he will stop. Until then he won't, he will say he can't control it.

[FeMay30th]

Thank you for helping me, this only happens at home/ with me so I now realise what is happen to us (DS an me) is so wrong. I still can't get my head around it properly as I still love him and feel very sorry for him.

but I am going make an exit strategy.

Parents are still together but Dad now confides in me about one a year that he wants to leave.

[MatildaWhispers]

Have you started to adapt your own behaviour to try to avoid him behaving like that? If you have that's really not healthy.

You say you feel ashamed, but try to remember he is the one who should be ashamed of himself.

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

H went off at DS2 and me in front of friend once. To this day, I'm not sure why he slipped like that. But it was an eye opener. Watching him realise what he'd done, my friend looking shocked, and H backpedaling furiously to "repair the damage" and apologising.

My friend would have throttled me if I had stayed at that point. She was horrified.

[MistressDeeCee]

OP youve nothing at all to feel ashamed of. Its your DH displaying shameful behaviour, that will impact on your family life. He needs a short sharp shock. Youve had some good advisers from other posters - particularly about him choosing to express to/with you, but not others - bloody cheek - so all I will say is good luck in sorting this out and remember, you and your DS come 1st in this.

[LEMoncehadacatcalledSANTA]

He thinks you should just ignore him? fuck that

You do realise that he will do this to the children don't you? Do you want them to grow up scared? It will scar them for life.

He needs to get help, NOW, or get out - its that simple. Don't try and justify things because he hasn't hit you - yet.

He needs to go the GP first, then get some counselling - when he emailed you did he give any "reason" for his behaviour? He isn't a teenager now ffs. I think he is telling you "im like this, get used to it".

[AliceinWinterWonderland]

I think he is telling you "im like this, get used to it"

I think this is exactly what he is telling you. Very much a "this is the way it is, and there's nothing anyone can do about it."

He's wrong, of course.

[Lweji]

You feel sorry for him, but he is choosing to do this at home and not elsewhere.
Why are you feeling sorry? You should feel sorry for your son that has to put up with it. You have a choice too.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

I understand 'feeling sorry for him'. You believe that, if he could control his rages and be pleasant all of the time, he would have a much better life, appreciate what a nice family he has, generally be a happier person.... and I'm sure that's true. If you can't get your head around it it's because you personally wouldn't deliberately set out to cause upset and fear.

However, it's virtually impossible to change someone else's behaviour and, if he has a perfectly acceptable life behaving exactly as he does, he is not motivated to change.

[Lweji]

Yes, it is understandable, just pointing out that there is more to feel sorry for.

I still feel sorry for exH not being able to have a normal relationship with DS, but I feel more sorry that DS had to see his dad hit and threaten his mum.
It was his choice, and one he has never properly apologised for or has worked to put right He still denies it to his own son or blames it on other people.

You need to sort out the priority list of who you feel sorry for.

[tiamariaxxx]

I think you need to sit him down and have a proper chat to him when hes in a good mood and ask him whats up is there anything you can help him with? Then make it clear how you feel. And try to make him realise how it upsets the kids. Also he needs to realise when hes about to explode and try and find a way to distract himself

Both me and OH can get a bit crabby like this luckilly not at same time or that may course problems, i usually tell OH to get out when he starts and he goes sit in the car or goes for a drive to unwind. I tend to go for a walk first chance i get with my ipod just to unwind usually come back a bit more chilled.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

You think he honestly doesn't realise his behaviour upsets the kids tiamariaxxx?

[tiamariaxxx]

CogitoErgoSometimes - i dont know its impossible to say we dont know this person from adam, sometimes people dont stop to think

[Fairenuff]

He does realise, or else why would he apologise afterwards.

[AnnieLobeseder]

I can only echo what others have said - if he only behaves this way at home and not in public, it is because he believes he has the right to use you and DS as emotional punching-bags to relive his frustrations. Some may say this is because he feels comfortable and safe with you and thus able to use you as this kind of "support". However, since this release for him is entirely detrimental to both your and your DS's mental health and emotional well-being, it is 100% unacceptable that he continue to do so.

All you can do it make it clear to him that while you will support him in getting help for his stress in any other way, you are instigating a zero tolerance policy for him treating you or DS in this way again.

Good luck!