I can't go on.

[Squidwardtenticles]

Please don't judge me. I already know i'm a terrible person and a shit mum.

I met my Dp (I'll call him P because he doesn't deserve the D) when I was 15. We have been together for 16 years and have 3 children.

Practically from the first month of me finding out I was pregnant with our first P changed. He began to push me around and became very controlling.

I was pregnant with my second and he attacked some people leaving them seriously injured. He went on the run for awhile until he was found and sent to prison on remand. He got out when I was roughly 8 months gone.

He beat me so hard that the placenta ruptured and I ended up in intensive care.
Throughout the years he has beat me, called me names, put my face in the bin, spat on me, told me to show his friends my bruises then they all laughed.

I posted on here about him a few years ago. My head was a complete mess and I had a breakdown. I told how he had got down on one knee and proposed to me, only for me to open the box and there was no ring. It was a joke.
P used to go out most nights drinking, he would come home and wake me up just to push me about and belittle me. I wet myself many times with fright. During these nights out a rumour started that he was seeing one of the barmaids.
They would all laugh about how I was probably kept in a dog cage under the stairs.
It was known in my village what he did to me but nobody helped.
I could go on and on about the many times he has done awful things to me but you would probably get bored.

P was sacked from his job two years ago and refuses to work. So I go out to work, come home and clean up. He makes his money is a dodgy way which I won't talk about but it's one of the reasons I want him out of my life.

P no longer hits me but the damage is done, I have many scars inside and out. I don't love him. I don't think I ever have really. It's all been fear of P and the unknown. He's all I have ever known.

My sister was raped before Christmas and he told me he didn't want to know and that she and I were drama queens!
That was the final straw.
I don't want to leave my HA house either, it's all I have.

[Aloneandnowwhat]

I've got no practical advice but just wanted to reply with something. What a horrible man and you need to get out xx

[Squidwardtenticles]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1570010-Upset

First thread.

[ChristineDaae]

I'm so sorry you have been
Going through this for so long. Can you try Womams Aid? They will be able to give you some practical advice.
Who's name is the house in?

[Squidwardtenticles]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/a1606541-I-feel-so-betrayed

My second thread.

[MyPrettyToes]

Clicky thread

Are you afraid of leaving him? If you reported his dodgy dealings to police would he know it was you?

[Squidwardtenticles]

The house is in both of our names.

I actually feel numb inside. I hate him.

[Squidwardtenticles]

No he wouldn't know it was me, I was considering that option but it would take time.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

Sorry you're so low and have been so badly treated. I'd second the suggestion to ... safely... find a minute to call Womens Aid 0808 2000 247. You're not a terrible partner or a shit mum, you're simply a victim of long-term abuse and you deserve help. Please ask for it.

[fifi669]

Did you ever make any reports of his violence? Or maybe the hospital have? Just thinking that you could have him removed from your home if you do.

Without that, would he not be given residence of the children as he's primary carer being at home? I don't want to scare you, it's just what tends to happen. Would he try for it do you think?

Maybe you should speak to citizens advice or something.

[ChristineDaae]

From this and your other 2 threads (only read the OPs) I would say the house isnt worth it. Call for help and get you and your DCs away from this awful person

[Squidwardtenticles]

I rang the police once because of the violence but bottled out when the copper turned up. Next time the policeman seen P he said he had been to our house.
P hadn't known so I got another slap.

[CogitoErgoSometimes]

@fifi669... a convicted violent criminal would not be made primary carer for children.

OP you need to talk to Womens Aid. They will probably suggest you talk to the police and can guide you through what to say.

[estarone]

i would definitely make contacts to Womens Aid. you will need support to feel better and to change.

i have worked with women that eventually left abusive partners. it can be done, and commonly it looked worse from the inside looking out, then the actual process of doing it.

you need to get counselling and talk about your feelings, and work out with someone who knows the law, your rights, build your confidence up, make sure you are safe.

it can be done in a controlled way with the right support.

go and get some support. you deserve it. you are still young, your children are still young. they deserve to know this is not normal. you deserve to live with self respect and without fear.

you say he has stopped beating you. you never know if that is true.

dont do anything rash. posting here is good. get some support and do it in a controlled way, with guidance. you can also go in confidence and speak to a community police officer about your rights, and they can talk you through what rights you have in the event that you are attacked again.

[Squidwardtenticles]

He wasn't convicted Cogito. He got away with it, he was only on remand.

So he could keep my kids???

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

What a terrible terrible time you've had.



Please stay strong and plan a way out. Use woman's aid, use mums net, use family and friends to get the support you need. You and your children deserve so much better than this life with him.

[AngelinaK]

I'm almost crying reading this... First of all call Womens Aid and then report him to police and run to your family!
U deserve normal and happy life!

I just want to give u a hug right now xxxxxxxxx

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

No. That's not how it works.

[estarone]

the police probably know and will more than likely support you.

in face there are numerous agencies waiting there to support you. you just have to want the help enough.

i know its hard, as you were very young when you met. but do you want this life for your children. as if you don't make the break, they will grow up thinking violence in the home is the way it is.

you still have time to change this pattern, and find a life where you are free.

go and find out what your rights are. and next time you get a slap, phone the police.

you can do it on your own. you already are doing it on your own.

[ProjectGainsborough]

You are not a terrible person. Your situation sounds really difficult and i think you sound very brave.

FWIW my dad was violent and the best thing my mum ever did was leave him. You can do it. xxx

[Squidwardtenticles]

I have been slowly getting myself out of debt and learning to drive to help getting away from him and to become independent. I'm even starting college which he would never of allowed 5 years ago.

I feel like i'm becoming stronger.

When I wrote those threads last year I was in a horrible place mentally. Now I feel a lot better and I want a good life for me and my kids.

It's time for him to go away and find himself a rock to crawl under.

[Tweasels]

Sweetheart, no, he will not ever get your children because with help you are going to tell someone exactly what he has done to you.

You have to call Women's Aid and you have to do it now while you're feeling strong enough. Please, for yourself and your children. You are being abused and he will never change. I know you are struggling to support your sister as well in all of this but you cannot help her until you help yourself.

This will end but only if you make that call

[Thisisaghostlyeuphemism]

That's the spirit. You can do it, squid.

You are a young woman with a good happy life ahead of you.

[Squidwardtenticles]

To me, everything that he has ever done to me is normally. I learnt not to shout or cry when he had his foot on my head so I didn't wake the kids up.

If we watch a funny film, I look at him before I laugh to make sure he laughs first.

[Tweasels]

None of it is normal, none of it and you need to keep telling yourself this.

[estarone]

take all the fear, worry, what ifs, lies he has told you, out of it and call Womens Aid. they will tell you your rights, and talk you through things you could do, and would feel comfortable with.

it is really hard to leave your situation. if it was easy people wouldnt need support.