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massive row shouting and roaring

(78 Posts)
estarone Sat 11-Jan-14 20:59:07

we had been ok in 2014. had terrible last seven months. after i went back to work after son was 11 months, to work in a long hours environment husband, who had been used to having everything done, left most things to me. we lived in an area that was away from where we worked, and son in creche, so we had to collect every odd evening. put pressure on both. i was working for high functioning alcoholic, and found it stressful. i found a job near home for half the money that i liked better. i have been there two months now. i was v stressed, and there were fights and screaming matches every weekend. we now have bad habits. my husband cannot have a conversation about a topic we need to compromise on without losing temper. he brought up separation a few months ago, as he says that he is afraid he is not the man i want. i want to purchase a house, (we sold a house and moved house this year as well, and he is working a stressful job).

im no angel, but this morning he roared at me in front of our son in hte car as loud as he could. i cried all day. i called my sister over to talk to us both as she is a good mediator. we have been in counselling for three months - but think the counsellor rubbish.

my husband is very unhappy. he says that he is working 12 hour days now, and doesnt want to purchase a crap house and doesnt want to spend the asking price on nice homes.

i just want a compromise, but he gets very angry. he is often angry. i am very sad now. i think he doesnt love me any more. i would love more children, and wanted one last year but he didn't.

i see my chance for more children slipping away unless i just do everything he wants.

my sister said she thinks he is very unhappy but doesnt think its all my fault. i wonder if he is regretting married life. he has said in past its hard work.

he loves son, but has struggled being a father at times.

i don;t know what to do. i thought my new working hours, and making dinner, reforming bad spending habits, doing all housework, ironing, etc would bring him back to me. we fought over christmas, and then i said if 2014 wasn't different, then we would have to consider our options.

so sad. im out of hope. i do nag. i have nagged in past to try and get him to settle down. maybe i am getting now what i deserve for this.

a man who loved family life would be easier to deal with. maybe things will calm down over time.

i wish i had someone who thought i was a good person. its hard all this negativity.

i really thought we had turned a corner, this mornings fight such a step back.

thanks to all that read this. too ashamed to tell friends.

estarone Sat 11-Jan-14 21:04:44

ive tried to talk to him about his anger and unhappiness, get him to doctor but he won't go. its my fault.

and while these fights go on, my son is impacted and my chance for family going. im 37.

we don't agree on houses, size of family. anything. what kind of dog to get. everything a fight. he finds fault with everything.

he would say same about me.

we used get on. we got on when i was on maternity leave (paid) doing everything in house. but i want to work, and he doesnt want to be without my salary.

he feels pressure as breadwinner. he says he will have to pay for everything now.

i feel he has no guidance in being a father. he is not close to brothers and father passed away. he has no one to turn to for advice. noone to confide in.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 21:11:55

I'm sorry you're in an abusive relationship. He may be angry and unhappy with himself but he has no right to inflict it on you and your DS. Are you in the UK?

Serenitysutton Sat 11-Jan-14 21:18:33

He sounds very unhappy. I don't think you can do much but maybe you need to think about whether you can stay with him whilst he works out what is making him so un happy? You had a house move, baby and job change recently- that's a awful lot to deal with for both of you. My heart goes out to you really .

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 14:29:23

so sad today. I have no hope now. im not allowed talk about buying a house for 12 weeks. my sister came over to mediate.

I keep crying. I don't know how to be physically intimate with someone that is always angry with me, or that I cannot discuss anything with. its been like this for 12 months, getting worse and worse and worse.

I just keep crying now. I have to let go of my dreams.

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 14:33:23

he says that he told me eight years ago when we met that he would not buy a house that he considered over priced. and that holds and that if I didn't accept that I shouldn't have married him.

how I can continue with this man, who speaks to me like this, and treats me this way. I don't think I have it in me to be physically intimate with a man who will fixatedly hold onto an idea like this. we can afford a reasonable house.

I thought it would all work out. but he fights everything. its exhausting. I cannot suggest anything.

my heart is broken. I thought we could sort it out. but now I don't think we can.

I really wanted more children. now I won't have them. I know compared to others my story seems stupid to be upset over. its just hard that either I accept never to be listened to even over when I have my children, or that I leave.

those are my choices.

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 14:36:19

I don't want a mansion. I just want to know my side matters. that's all really. that what I think is important. that I am here. he treats me like im evil for suggesting we purchase a house. that I am materialistic. but im not. honestly. I just thought we would be a team. that we would work it out together.

but there is no compromise in my husband. and when you disagree with him he shouts, roars, is angry and threatens to leave.

and that's also my fault, as I make him angry.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 14:39:01

You don't make him angry, he's a man that uses anger to get what he wants. Very different. There is no compromising with a bully.

Stop blaming yourself for his actions, he is responsible for his actions.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

You will have to let go of your dreams altogether if you choose to remain with such an individual. Also staying with him actively prevents you from meeting someone new.

You do not make him angry, he's already Mr Angry to start with!. He is using you as his emotional punchbag and whipping boy. Such men hate women.

You sound like you have modified your own behaviours over time to try and pre-empt his moods.

Your son and you deserve better than this person. It is NOT your fault he is like this.

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 14:48:56

I get angry too. but now im at despair. we aren't intimate any more. my body doesn't want it, because he doesn't treat me with respect. he doesn't treat me like im special. he doesn't know who I am. he wanders around the house, with everything done for him, checking his iphone ranting about the economy, traffic, and how everything is crap.

im just so sad because he isn't going to change, so its over I think. and I really wanted more children, and wanted this to work. I can do everything else, but I cannot fake the sex.

I tried, but I just cannot do it. as he just wants a husk that does want he wants, he doesn't want to make me happy and isn't interested in what I want.

he hasn't a clue. I asked him to google romance last week. ive actually often asked him that, as he doesn't ever do anything.

when we first me he treated me like I was a treasure. he listened, we go on. he just now gets more and more bitter. life isn't turning out how he would like. he is only 32.

is this a phase. im 37. my biological clock is ticking. I long for more children. so hard to give up my dream of more children.

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 14:52:51

its like he put dibs on the house purchase thing eight years ago, and im a money grabbing bitch for suggesting that since that was eight years ago, perhaps things would have changed.

he gest really angry and says - you knew I was like this when we married.

I guess I just didn't fully appreciate that one person would lose their marriage over a philosophical position.

and he gets so angry.

I do keep asking thought, as I just don't get it. so perhaps I do make him angry. I mean if someone kept asking ye something it would make ye angry.

my heart is broken over the children part. why is this my shitty lot.

thanks so much for listening to me. im a pity party today. I just need somewhere to share this.

im probably wrong.

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 14:55:42

in my family separation and divorce are not really the done thing. and I think for my sons sake I will have to share this space and coparent.

as my child comes first.

so I can do that, but no more children. I have waited for nearly nine years. I thought he really adored me. maybe I am totally spoilt.

we cannot even discuss anything. I just cry all the time now, and even that annoys him.

FairPhyllis Sun 12-Jan-14 15:08:43

I think this has gone beyond the point of no return, I'm sorry. No one can maintain a relationship with someone who treats them like this.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 15:12:02

Your family aren't married to this man, crying all the time and subjected to his bullying so this archaic 'done thing' of staying married at all costs doesn't really apply. 'For your son's sake', it is better to demonstrate that the done thing is for women to be strong and independent rather than let him grow up with the twin ideas that a) it's OK for women to be treated like shit by men and b) women have to put up with it. Putting your child first does not mean putting yourself last.

Bullies do not entertain compromise....

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 15:14:21

I think I started it when I was stressed in my job. I wasn't nice to be around. I was angry myself then. often shouted as was left doing it all. I was a total mess really.

now that has spiralled, into a power battle.

maybe if I just leave it it will get better. surely it will.

I just can't believe this is my life, we loved each other so much. I still love him. I just can't believe this is happening.

maybe if I stop annoying him over it, and hang on for the 12 weeks, then maybe a miracle will happen, and he won't feel like im forcing him.

maybe he will start romancing me again.

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 15:15:15

I think I treated him like shit first. without meaning to.

I reckon if I had treated a friend the way I treated him, she would have dumped me.

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 15:16:15

I love him, but part of me is angry.

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 15:19:34

he doesn't entertain compromise.

he says he does, but actually he doesn't.

im so confused. this place has started me thinking. but I don't think one person can be blamed.

surely I too am at fault.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 15:22:17

OK... leave blame out of it for a second. You're miserable, he's miserable, you're angry, he's angry and the whole thing is a disaster area that goes way beyond incompatibility whoever started it. Some time out might actually be the best solution for everyone, give you time to calm down, think clearly and work out what to do next given that there is no such thing as miracles and daft ideas of 'romancing' belong in Hollywood movies.

All I would say is that "you knew I was like this when you married me" is the classic bully-boy cop-out and means 'I ain't changing'.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 15:28:04

'surely I too am at fault'

Nobody is perfect, that's true. But bullies are very good at finding ways to make you believe that you brought nasty treatment on yourself.

- 'I was like this when you married me'.... expectation setting.
- 'If you didn't make me so angry I wouldn't have to shout you down'.... deflecting blame.
- 'I roar, shout and make you cry on a daily basis but you mentioned moving house when I'd forbidden it'.... disproportionate reaction designed solely to punish
- 'I have no father or brothers so I don't know how to be a decent man'..... shit, meaningless excuses to make you feel guilty about being angry

I could go on....

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 16:20:19

he has no intention of ever meeting my expectations.

in fact the fact that i have expectations means i dont love him, but rather what he can do for me. ie his money and children.

i would love not to have to rely on him. but i do. as now ive down graded my job, i cannot afford to live alone. maybe if i had more money hings would be more equal.

and id love more children. god i would love them. my own child was amazing. we were happy then. but after the birth, he found it hard he said. it was hard having a child. i did do everything. he found it hard not being able to do what he wanted.

but really is that going to happen now. thats what breaks my heart.

i just have to focus on what i can control myself. i can do well at my job. i can save my money myself into an account i control. i can do well at my masters. i can avoid all fights in front of my son. i can make my sons childhood the best ever. i can go out with my friends, and try and love myself again.

i just cannot believe the simple things are this difficult. and involve this much crying.

the ups and downs, the if you say that one more time i am leavings.

i have to let all my expectations go, and focus on my son. its the possibility and the hope that things might be ok after all that is causing me all the mood swings. i become hysterical now when we have a fight, as the fear is there that all my hopes are gone.

but my hopes are gone anyway. they are just gone and thats that.

estarone Sun 12-Jan-14 16:21:48

if only i did not have this fertility window. and could let him have more time to adjust.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 16:35:05

FWIW abusive behaviour often only manifests itself with the arrival of the first child. 'Finding it hard'... who doesn't find being a new parent hard? hmm But we don't all turn into bullies. That tendency has to be there already.

Futility is heart-breaking. Vain hope is soul-destroying. Being systematically bullied and abused over a long period of time crushes your confidence, obliterates your self-esteem and leads to stress, anxiety and depression. Cutting off your own exits with non-reasons like money or family expectations - believing you have no options - only adds to the hopelessness.

You have options

Let him have more time to adjust?!!. To what?.

FGS do not bring yet another child into this overall dysfunctional mess.

You and he should not be together at all now. There is no future for you if you remain within this. Abusers often kick into gear with the arrival of the first child.

His mother did this person no favours at all by doing everything for her little emperor. Your family are also not married to this person, please do not stay also within this because divorce is not the "done thing". Its not enough of a justification or reason to stay.

His behaviour towards you could well further deteriorate in the next three months and that time could be better spent by you planning your exit from this dysfunctional marriage. You and your son deserve better than this.

Would you please stop blaming your own self as of now for his problems!!!. Problems that he has brought upon his own self. You are not at fault here. ALL your words are those of someone who has systematically been abused by the person who was supposed to love and cherish her.

Cogito is right - you do have options. You need to exercise them now.

Womens Aid can and will help you here; you can call them on 0808 2000 247

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