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Tell me about emotional affairs...

(135 Posts)
Livingthedaydream Sat 11-Jan-14 18:10:17

Regular but NC'd.

Why do they start?
Where do they go?
How do they end?

For what it's worth I think disclosure or not is a very individual thing and highly dependent upon the circumstances. Honesty is the best policy imho but in real life I do understand that this is easier said than done on occasions having lived through xh's affair. Life is complicated.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 30-Jan-14 19:23:06

I think it's up to individuals to decide for themselves, Ton, nobody has the right to dictate that. Affair partners, by virtue of what they are doing, are lying to their partners all the way through the affair. If they don't confess it and end their primary partnerships then disclosure will add nothing but pain. Better for them all to keep quiet and let their ex-partner find peace and happiness elsewhere.

Skirting over your rather rude assessment of my views because they don't accord with your own, yes please do feel free to ignore them in future, I won't be in the least offended.

Tonandfeather Thu 30-Jan-14 19:16:17

You have some very odd views.

But I won't debate with you any longer because we are miles apart in our understanding of women's issues, equal rights and whether lying to partners at the end of a relationship is acceptable. You seem to think it is. I don't.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 30-Jan-14 18:55:45

Ton... I was gender-neutral on that; I don't think any person serves themselves well by taking back somebody who chose to leave.

It happened to me so I speak from experience and I disagree with you about being harsh on women. Women have the lionshare of child-rearing responsibility, they just do. There are fewer women who leave a family than men who do the same, it's a fact. As that is a sad fact it's obvious that lone-parent women have the greater responsibility for parenting (and are so acknowledged by the courts in the UK), that this responsibility translates to making sure their children grow up with healthy self-esteem. Fairly or unfairly, that means that the children are the first consideration, rather than the wishes of the left parent or those of he errant ex partner.

I don't believe the content of many of the threads here; I think some posters have been conditioned to accepting and expecting congratulation for their 'strength' in the face of adversity and that's not healthy. It skews their posting in terms of what they perceive their audience wants to read. Nobody knows whether that poster's partner had an affair or not so speculation is pointless.

I don't understand your last point. I don't believe that affairs are routinely discovered; I don't believe that the majority of them are. Whether somebody has an affair or not if they leave their partner and are admitted back into the relationship, that's no demonstration of 'magnificence' to me from either party.

Tonandfeather Thu 30-Jan-14 18:39:00

I'm with you on that of course - although I don't think anyone knows what they'd do till it happened - but I thought you were suggesting this turn of events never occurs. Apols if not.

I wouldn't be that harsh on why women take men back though, or on women with shattered self-esteem. There's often a lot of pressure on women to make allowances for men's "mental health breakdowns" or stress coping with balancing careers and family life. Women are also statistically more likely to be left with more childcare and less money when a husband leaves suddenly.

I can't help comparing the poor poster in the other thread who's clinging to beliefs that her husband is having a breakdown and doesn't mean what he says, to the sheer selfishness on this one. It would help that other poster so much if she could see her husband more clearly instead of having sympathy for his mental health.

The sort of anger and self-assuredness you talk about (I'd let him go) often only kicks in when an affair is finally discovered. When my friends found out what had really been going on, they were MAGNIFICENT in their long overdue contempt for the liars they'd been making allowances for.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 30-Jan-14 17:56:18

Not from any people with their self-esteem intact, Ton, no.

If my husband wanted to leave without talking to me beforehand about our relationship I'd let him go and that would be that. Why would I be at the beck and call of somebody who didn't think I was worth a conversation with when it mattered?

Tonandfeather Thu 30-Jan-14 17:44:54

What husband/wife would accept a returning spouse - for any reason?

Loads of people. 2 friends of mine did. There is another thread at the moment about a man who left very suddenly and the poster has no actual evidence of an affair, but would take him back if he wanted to return.

Are you really saying you've never heard of that?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe Thu 30-Jan-14 17:25:50

I don't agree that men or women decide to keep an affair 'secret' for reasons of returning home should their new romance fail. What husband/wife would accept a returning spouse - for any reason?

I can totally see the benefit of 'keeping quiet' because if you didn't confess at the start of an affair, blurting it out at the end of a relationship isn't going to make the other person feel any better, is it? Why can't people be free to just end their relationships without a full-blown autopsy? All that telling the partner of the 'other person' would bring is unhealthy comparison. I know that there are posters who disagree with this and think full disclosure is the only way but, not their call, it's OP's call, the MM's call, nobody else's, not even the other partners involved.

If a relationship is over then it's over. It only needs one of the pair to decide that. It's up to the leaving partner to decide what they tell, how much they tell, etc. The important bit is to actually tell the other person that it is over. This, they have done.

Living... read Thisisaghostlyeuphemism's post carefully. I think she's right about the fact that you ought to be pulling right away at the moment, concentrate on your other relationships/friendships. I said in a previous post that you're not starting from quite the same position as anybody else getting together with somebody. You're not - this is it, the 'pinch point' - and it needs careful handling if you really think this is going somewhere. I think that you should both be taking a little time to reflect on your ended relationships - not necessarily grieve them, people make all kinds of assumptions about the need for that - but just reflection and thinking about how you will not bring past mistakes to your next relationship. You have all the time in the world now, the rest of your lives, there's no rush.

Tonandfeather Thu 30-Jan-14 11:24:21

I have a feeling that this guy's WIFE is going to get fucked over. The poster knows the score, she doesn't.

All because the poster and this guy have decided the exes "don't need to know" there was an affair. Worse still, presenting those lies as an act of altruism!

Which is why I hope the guy's wife finds out about you, poster. Because apart from not wanting character traits of dishonesty and lying to be exposed, the main reason guys don't tell their wives and family there's someone else is to keep a safety net if their new romance fails.

Better that his wife knows the true character of this guy so that she can tell him to go away and stay away if he ever wants to come back.

Thisisaghostlyeuphemism Thu 30-Jan-14 09:49:38

You did the right thing to break up with your partner who you were unhappy with.

You say you are going to take it slowly with new guy but it doesn't look slowly from the outside. Anything could happen with him, but I really would suggest getting some distance between you, concentrating on yourself and your friendships for a bit, if possible. A break-up with children is VERY different from a break up without and it is likely to turn very messy.

Paddlingduck Thu 30-Jan-14 09:15:31

You have written that you were 'having a laugh,' and a 'good night,' in a hotel. A difficult image when I am also picturing his poor wife and children.

sensitivesituation2 Thu 30-Jan-14 07:13:36

Thanks Living.

Thanks for the update, a lot has happened in your lives in a short time. Like Glow says, take care of yourself......

Glowbuggy Thu 30-Jan-14 06:56:22

I have a feeling you are going to get so fucked over.

Look after yourself!

Livingthedaydream Thu 30-Jan-14 06:21:15

I've seen the messages between them. And no he had to book a hotel before moving in to colleagues house so I just went to be with him. We didn't do anything. Also, Yeh we didn't tell them about us obviously because why would we when they didn't need to know? But we also did not want to hurt them anymore than was needed. I needed to break up with my partner anyway as I was so unhappy and it wasn't just about MM

Tonandfeather Thu 30-Jan-14 00:57:21

This seems to be a very wordy, sanitised way of saying that you dumped your partners and lied to them about there being no-one else involved - and quickly booked 2 nights in a hotel together.

You're deluding yourself massively if you think keeping your relationship secret is to avoid upsetting the other people involved. You're keeping it a secret so that neither of you get exposed as cheats. Your guy might also be keeping it a secret from his wife in case it falls flat with you and he wants to go back.

Unless you spoke to his wife, you don't know that she "saw it coming". That's just what he says.

She's probably being advised by her women pals now that there's another woman involved. I hope she gets the evidence she needs of that too.

Lagoonablue Wed 29-Jan-14 22:44:27

I think I was in one around 15 yrs ago with a guy from work. I spent a lot of time with him, always spent lunch time with him. Went out after work with him. I was in denial I think. He obviously had feelings for me but it was all unspoken. I had strong feelings for him but couldn't admit them to myself. Everyone at work could see what was happening. We were together all of the time at work, well actual work allowing.

We didn't text as mobiles weren't as common then. It only stopped when I moved jobs. It was only then I realised what had been happening. There was no physical contact at all to be fair but if DH had have done this I would be livid. DH has no idea it happened.

AuntieStella Wed 29-Jan-14 22:35:15

You may not see it as "overly relationshipy" but you have jumped straight into a relationship with him.

How about taking a few months sabbatical and really striking out by yourself?

Livingthedaydream Wed 29-Jan-14 21:40:07

No it's not really overly relationshipy. We have both calmed down the txting as well so we can have a bit of breathing space. We really were txting, calling chatting all throughout the day. Now he is lodging in the city we work we can no longer liftshare so that is less time together too.

At the moment we are just supporting each other through the break-ups. We can't talk to many people about it, or the ones we can dont know the full picture. So we really are offloading on to each other. Not great but we don't have anyone else.

Theatoz - thanks for your post. I have no doubt in my mind that my partner will be much happier in the coming months. Even MM's wife seemed to know what was coming and even though she is sad I think she knows its right for them too. If we do become a proper couple we won't be making it public for a good year or two. The thought of that is hard but I don't want to cause upset to the other people now.

AuntieStella Wed 29-Jan-14 21:34:52

If you're meeting up with him for "dates and things" that amounts to jumping straight into a relationship with him.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

theatoz Wed 29-Jan-14 21:27:28

I had an EA which turned to a physical and EA. we both left our spouses 8 months ago and have been together since.
I'm not proud of our behaviour although both our exes seem (and say they are) happy. Both marriages were having big problems.

It's been a rollercoaster. We are very in love but it has been hard. We kept it quiet for a long time as we didn't tell anyone we had an affair.

Anyway - PM me if you like. I know what you're Going through

Livingthedaydream Wed 29-Jan-14 18:54:05

Thankyou lying again for another good post.

*Whatever you do, don't leap into coupledom with MM right now, not if you think that you'd like to be a couple one day because you'll start from a slightly different position; it's a tiny distinction but still significant.
It may be that you'll want to be together at some point or maybe that one or both of you will decide that's not what you want. Either way, make no sudden moves and only very considered, minor decisions for now. I wish you well, everybody deserves to be happy.*

I am definitely not going to become a couple with him at the moment. We both do need to think about our lives and what we want.
I do want kids and to be married, he has been there done that. So he will need to have a huge think about what he wants from life and if he would want to go down that road again with me. I hope he does but that will be further into the future.

I could have let him stay with me at the house but i have taken the decision not to do that. I do want some time on my own. I do want to meet up with him for dates and things but nothing more for now. I do hope we can be together in the future and I get excited thinking about it.
He feels the same. We are on the same page so there is no pressure.

Livingthedaydream Wed 29-Jan-14 18:48:06

Hello Sensitive try not to be so hard on yourself. You cannot help these feelings. They consume me and I am sure they do with you too.

So, I did tell a colleague about what was going on. She has actually been very supportive. She knew of my problems with my partner and has also seen me and MM's relationship blossom. He does not know I have told her though.
Last Tuesday I was talking with her about my partner and asked her what I should do. I then said "no, i know what to do, i'm doing it tonight" and that was it. My head was set. I felt sick all day, e-mailed my parents for advice back and forth all day. Drove home and as soon as i walked in the door I told him to sit down and ended it with him. He was in total shock. It was awful. I feel very sad for him and guilty for hurting him but i do not regret my decision.
I then stayed with my granny for a few nights whilst partner was getting his head together and then he was away this weekend for a long weekend so I managed to go back to house. He collects the rest of his stuff tomorrow.

MM had a big talk with his wife and said he wanted to separate. He works in a different city to where he lives and so he has now moved out and is lodging with a colleague.

Last Sunday night he booked a hotel and I went to stay with him. We drank, had a laugh and had a good night. Monday we went to another hotel and I basically was there to be supportive to him after he had spoke to his wife again and he was extremely sad about his kids.

He is not feeling so sad about his wife, but he is desperately sad for his kids. He is now looking for a permanent place to stay.
His wife is upset but also knew it was coming. She said that to him. They have agreed that the kids come first in everything.

I am happy just to take things as they come. I need to work out my finances, catch up with friends and just get my head together.

I feel a lot happier now. I was right to end it with my partner. I was really not happy and now I am excited to just live on my own and make the house my own too.

To be honest I probably wouldnt have ended it with my partner if it wasnt for this thread.

MM is a rock to me and I to him. We get on like a house on fire. I will not stop seeing him.

madeofstone Wed 29-Jan-14 16:53:58

I'm calling bullshit....no one could be unaware of other people and what is happening, and for me to say that means you are a moon unit.

Sorry if this offends as you said earlier I say it as I see it.

sensitivesituation2 Wed 29-Jan-14 08:30:06

Livingthedaydream I have returned to this post often since it was posted. I was wondering how things were going with you?

I have also come back to it again and again for some strength for myself..... As I said in my post, I am in a similar situation. I am finding things very difficult. When tempted to contact mm I have come back to advise on this thread and it has helped me immensely. We have been nc since that day, but I have had a setback... we met up again and things went to another level. We did not have sex but we had physical contact. I am so beyond angry with myself and I feel like I am back to square one again. I am finding this so incredibly difficult. I cannot change the fact that I see him everyday, but I have to get him out of my head for good now. I have never done anything like this before, and I am hurting and don't know how to get through this. I felt like I was being strong, and now this.

Please anyone who is on the verge of an EA, just think about things. You do not want to be sitting in my shoes right now. Other posters seem to think this isn't the place to post about this. For me I think it is, there are those of you who have been here, and those of you who have been on the other side.

MsWinnieBaygo Thu 23-Jan-14 11:52:05

I wouldn't officially call your married man 'separated' as presumably he only split up with his wife a few days ago? Anything could happen. I'd focus on yourself now for a while tbh - well done on getting out of a relationship that you weren't happy with but both you and the MM need some time alone to focus on what you want out of life, without distracting each other IMO.

Getting involved in a relationship with a man who had only just split from his wife is normally a recipe for disaster.

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