Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Tell me about emotional affairs...

(135 Posts)
Livingthedaydream Sat 11-Jan-14 18:10:17

Regular but NC'd.

Why do they start?
Where do they go?
How do they end?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sat 11-Jan-14 18:34:19

Often starts as a friendship. They go 'too far'... in that the person conducting the affair forms a more intimate connection with their friend than with their partner, often neglecting their partner in the process. How do they end? How long is a piece of string? One or other decide to drop contact.

LadyMud Sat 11-Jan-14 20:45:20

"a more intimate connection with their friend than with their partner"
Hmmm, not sure about that, Cogito. Lots of women are closer to their best friend than to their partner!

I think secrecy is an essential element of an EA.

noisytoys Sat 11-Jan-14 22:18:12

DH had an emotional affair. He lied about seeing her, stayed up all night to talk to her online etc. I left him. He mentally checked out of the marriage during that time too sad

Gomez Sat 11-Jan-14 23:22:12

So an EA led to the end of my marriage. After 2 years of fucking unhappiness all round. Would have been better if the involved partner had actually had the courage to recognise the EA for what it was and leave the marriage to see if the connection was real. Because either way the original relationship was doomed.

Mrscaindingle Sun 12-Jan-14 07:50:38

My marriage also ended because of my ex's emotional affair with someone who is now his GF, to this day he still says he did nothing wrong. Twat.

Livingthedaydream Sun 12-Jan-14 10:27:29

So i am in an EA. He is a work colleague, married with kids. I have a partner who I live with.
I love it though, love the attention, the talks, the secrecy etc etc I dont want it to stop. I am not stupid enough to think he will leave his wife.
I realise I need to address the issues I have with my partner, obviously something is wrong for me to place my attention elsewhere.
Dont know what to do. We constantly think about each other, if we don't hear from one another we are love sick.
He has said he is not happy in his marriage, dull homelife, nothing in common, living as friends.

ThePearShapedToad Sun 12-Jan-14 10:30:51

No flaming

If he's not happy at home op he should leave his wife and start proceedings for an amicable divorce

If he loved you as he says he does, then why would he want to treat you as a second class citizen?

Believe me, you're not held in as high esteem as he is to you

I'm sorry though. It hurts to buggery

You need to sort out your relationship, and you cannot do that whilst you are emotionally involved with someone else

meditrina Sun 12-Jan-14 10:34:06

You've realised that what you are doing is a threat to your marriage.

And it is possible that you have realised this before critical damage has been done. It's terribly exciting to have your head full of a crush, but it is not real

If your genuine priority is your family, then you have to step away now.

Fairenuff Sun 12-Jan-14 10:37:29

He has said he is not happy in his marriage, dull homelife, nothing in common, living as friends.

This is classic pre-shag preparation.

He wants to have sex with you, keep it secret from his wife, stay in his lovely marriage where he has a family, and all the comforts of home.

Don't believe he's not sleeping with his wife, they all say that.

He will sleep with you until a) you bore him b) someone better comes along or c) he is found out and goes grovelling back to his wife.

None of these outcomes will be good for you. End it with him, he is married. End your own relationship, you don't love or respect your partner.

Work on being on your own for a bit, build up your self esteem so that you don't fall for this crap again.

prettyhackedoff Sun 12-Jan-14 10:39:36

OP,
please read my thread and you will see what an EA does to the innocent other partner and their children.

Back2Two Sun 12-Jan-14 10:43:22

He has said he is not happy in his marriage, dull homelife, nothing in common, living as friends.

And, typically they will be making statements such as this to each other; blissfully ignoring the fact that they have a dull homelife and aren't happy because they've emotionally checked out of the relationship and are spending all their emotional energy fantasising about how great life would be to be with the woman at work who never makes them clean the toilet.

Livingthedaydream Sun 12-Jan-14 10:47:26

I understand he will say these things just to get in my pants. But the thing is, i do want to sleep with him and am happy for us to not be found out. That is a horrible thing to say, i know.
I agree, i need to sort my home life out myself, keeping these feeling seperate is hard though.
I have told him that if he is not happy at home he should leave and work things out himself first too.
This is like an addiciton though, hard to stop and we work very closely together.
meditrina - you are right, this is just fantasy.
pretty can you link your thread please?

Livingthedaydream Sun 12-Jan-14 10:49:39

back2two - I agree! we have discussed this though, that we are all excited and blind to what it would really be like. But then, at this moment in time i feel id be happy to clean the toilet forever.
I am in deep, this is bad.

Oblomov Sun 12-Jan-14 11:07:21

To me EA involves deceit.
That would be the killer.
That the other person was not who you thought they were. Did not have the morals that you thought they did.

Dh and I agreed, that because of our natures, put personalities, our morals (similar) , we would never get over it.
It would be the end.

Back2Two Sun 12-Jan-14 11:09:49

I just feel sick at the thought of the other two adults in this situation.
It's not happened to me and I don't really want to judge.
Honestly, you're just being totally self-absorbed, selfish and indulging yourselves in this fantasy relationship.
Your excitement and happiness is fed by other people's miserable ignorance and unhappiness. You are making FOOLS out of innocent people (innocent in this context of course, I don't know if they are nice people on the whole)

Tell them what is happening. Give them the chance to indulge in your fantasy with you. See where that leads your passion.

Fairenuff Sun 12-Jan-14 11:13:43

I understand he will say these things just to get in my pants. But the thing is, i do want to sleep with him and am happy for us to not be found out. That is a horrible thing to say, i know.

Ok, so what is it you want from mumsnet? Permission to cheat on your partner with a married man?

You are fully aware of what you are doing. You are an adult. What do you want from us?

Not getting enough attention from the married man. Oh, yes, it's Sunday, he will be with his family. His wife will probably be cooking him a roast dinner.

Just killing time before Monday?

meditrina Sun 12-Jan-14 11:21:36

It is decision time for you now.

Adultery or your family?

You have made lots of little decisions that have brought you to the point (the "baby steps" route to an affair) and now you need to decide whether you continue, and risk more devastation than you could ever imagine to your life and the happiness of those around you.

The decision about whether to continue or to end it is entirely yours. Nothing removes that responsibility from you.

Which is the path to true happiness? An affair? Or your family? It is that stark.

Fairenuff Sun 12-Jan-14 11:27:54

Why don't you leave your partner OP? Are you keeping your options open?

Livingthedaydream Sun 12-Jan-14 11:33:55

I dont know what I want MN to say, I guess i need to get it off my chest. But also to understand whats going on. Maybe to reassure me it is all fake and not reality and if it did all come out it would then lose the excitement.

I do not want to tell my partner obviously. I do love him and do not want to hurt him so i guess i just have to end it and stay quiet about the EA. I said to the OM i would not end my relationship for him, only for me as i know what happens with OM could easily fizzle out.

No, fairenuff, he has been messaging me constantly, this is the thing. We cannot stop talking.
My partner i am sure loves me but he is also not taking things forward in our relationship, does bare minimum around house and only then it is because i have pushed him. he plays games for hours on end. I work and work and work and feel like we are not on the same level anymore.

meditrina Sun 12-Jan-14 11:35:39

"We cannot stop talking."

Yes you can.

Livingthedaydream Sun 12-Jan-14 11:37:16

Fairenuff - As the days go on i do feel like it will end. But i do not want to have the conversation, we have just got a house together, his family love me, he will be very sad and i do not want to do that to him. If he just bucked up then I am sure we can work it out. I have told him before i want him to do more, do some more work, do more things around house before he plays PS4 etc etc but he just doesnt. He is younger than me and i think he just needs to grow up a bit. Until he realises for himself that o have a good life does not consist of playing consoles all evening, what can i do?

Fairenuff Sun 12-Jan-14 11:38:15

I think you understand exactly what is going on. You are posting because you want to talk about him and can't talk to anyone in real life.

You say you love your partner. This is how you treat people you love? So you would be happy for him to do the same to you would you?

Mrscaindingle Sun 12-Jan-14 11:41:02

I too am not sure what you want from this thread, do you want those of us on the other side to tell you of the devastation caused, the heartbroken children caught up in the middle, the fracturing of the relationships in the wider family circle?
Of course he will say those things about his wife and life at home, I can only imagine what my ex said about me. You can justify it any way you want and I'm sure you will because ultimately you are both only thinking of your own needs. Your partners do not deserve to be treated this way, nobody does.

Livingthedaydream Sun 12-Jan-14 11:43:04

Yes, thats it, I cannot talk about it in real life and need to offload.
I know this is awful.
I love my partner, i am not in love with him right now. I feel i could if he just mans up a bit and becomes a bit of a provider. I am the breadwinner, he is content to earn just enough to keep us living but wont strive for anything more.
Maybe we are just different people now. I am not sure.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now