Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Does anyone have a positive story about having a passive aggressive husband?

(67 Posts)
ilovelamp82 Sat 11-Jan-14 09:15:34

After much research, we have discovered that my husband is in fact a passive aggressive. I have been doing as much reading as I can online on the subject and ordered some books but as of yet I haven't managed to find an outcome that is positive.

My husband admits that he is a passive aggressive, which I understand to be the worst bit. He has agreed to go to counselling. I have told him that so long as he is wholeheartedly commited to counselling and sorting out the problem then I will completelt support him. Anything less than this and I will not stick around.

I so want it to work though as we have 2 gorgeous boys and I want to avoid splitting up our family, but I am yet to find a case that has resulted in the husband and wife staying together.

Thanks in advance - this is a really scary time for me and I don't really have anyone to talk to in real life abojt it. I'm also pretty embarrassed.

ilovelamp82 Sat 25-Jan-14 20:20:53

My brother has gone home now, I've had a friend over but just sent her home as I have a headache from crying so much. I just want to be a year from now, when I know everything will be better. I'm not looking forward to everything I need to deal with. I am looking forward to being happy though.

Handywoman Sat 25-Jan-14 17:42:52

OP well done. You have done amazingly, even while you are so exhausted. I really feel for you. Sometimes things just take on momentum. Is your brother sticking around with you tonight? Where do you think H will go? Have a hug and half a wine from me.

ilovelamp82 Sat 25-Jan-14 15:08:41

So, he went off for work for a week. Staying in a hotel for a week, I stayed at home with a toddler (who has just started the dreaded tantrums) and a newborn, who likes to stay up all night. It's been unbelievably hard on my own with basically no sleep. He went to the doctors and got a prescription for anti depressants and started them and went to a counselling session this morning but it all kicked off before he left and I asked him not to come back after his counselling.

I locked him out the house, he tried to get in when he got back, obviously thinking I'm not serious. I had called my brother asking if he can travel to see me and give me a hug, so I told my husband that he could come in and get his stuff when my brother got here so that I could make sure he would leave again. I knew he wouldn't kick up a fuss in front of my brother and I knew he wouldn't leave and would just mess with my head more if my brother wasn't here.

I'm rambling again, but long and short of it is, he's gone. I'm glad that he's gone, I'm just worried about the logisitcal and financial side of things now. I just want to stay in my house, I don't have the energy at the moment to move elsewhere but I know that my husband can't afford to pay for somewhere else to live.

JetSetWilly Mon 13-Jan-14 23:33:24

I feel like I'm an intelligent person and the fact that I've been getting manipulated for so long has really thrown me. I don't know when my self esteem got so low that I let this behaviour become acceptable.

^^ it's because you're a nice person. Happens to a lot of us unfortunately.

You was me two years ago and I couldn't be happier now with him out of my life (somewhat we have two DCs)

The straw that broke the camels back moment was an argument about chilli con carne! But mumsnet terms helped me see the light

None of your story sounds good I'm afraid in fact it sounds very simar to mine.

Keep posting. I will answer any questions you have when I come back. Or pm me. Off to sleep now. Good luck op you can do it

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein Mon 13-Jan-14 23:19:21

Admitting that he's emotionally abusive and then saying he's not doing it on purpose is a essentially making a confession and then retracting it.

The point about abuse is that it is voluntary, intentional. If he can't admit that, then he's not actually admitted to being abusive at all.

Lack of self awareness may mean that an abusive person is not fully conscious of the reasons for their actions or indeed conscious of the full impact of them, but their actions are willed nonetheless.

He can stick post its round the whole house, what you really want him to do is acknowledge his behaviour and change it. That's a lot harder.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 23:16:40

There's often some 'last straw' moment and it can be something relatively trivial that triggers it. Feeling you've been had. Running out of patience. Looking at him with fresh eyes and not liking what you see. Talking about what he does and getting that shock face from a friend (or the MN board). Anything

ilovelamp82 Mon 13-Jan-14 23:09:10

Sorry about mistakes. Partly my phone being strange and partly because I'm tired.

ilovelamp82 Mon 13-Jan-14 23:06:38

You are right again Cogito. I feel like now my eyes have been opened I would be stupid to stick around. But then I've never outright said the things that I have this time. I've normally ended up somehow taken part of the blame and plodded along. I've told him that I'm not taking any if the blame anymore and that I won't accept any of this behaviour now that I see clearly what's happening.
The truth od the matter is I wasn't going to start makingararrangements to leave until next week when he's staying away anyway. Chances are if he's going to revert back, going on past experience, if it's no differentwill bebefore then anyway and then I can know I gave it one last chance

It feels different this time. I feel like my tolerance has hit its absolute limit and I won't accept any more, but then I realise how silly that would sound if I read it.

Well I've got my health visitor tomorrow and he has his doctors appointment on Wednesday. 6 days till he goes off for a week. If it's going to go wrong, it will by then, I'm sure.

Annie - it makes me sad to think if someone else feeling the way I feel. Have you considered counselling for yourself? Do you have kids? Feel free to PM me too x

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CogitoErgoSometimes Mon 13-Jan-14 22:37:34

Being charitable, he's sucking you back in. Being uncharitable, he's sucking you back in.

EA and PA doesn't mean that they are awful all the time. The whole reason you've stuck around this long is that you've seen regular flashes of the nice version of him (like notes, flowers and a bit of dinner) and, because you're an optimistic sort and because the idea of breaking up a relationship seems so daunting, you heave a sigh of relief and tell yourself... 'oh he's not so bad really'.

You can test it... there's no rush. Like factories that display big signs that say '46 DAYS SINCE THE LAST QUALITY FAILURE' you can start the clock running now and see how many days it is before he goes back to his preferred habits.

ilovelamp82 Mon 13-Jan-14 22:25:41

My head is such a mess. He admits that he is emotionally abusive and passive aggressive but not that he does these things on purpose. I came downstairs this morning to find post it notes stuck everywhere each with a different reason why he loves me. He came home after work today with a bunch of flowers and then made dinner. Is this him making the appropriate effort or is he just trying to suck me back in. He thinks I'm making him out to be a monster. Is he a monster? My head is all over the place.

Got a health visitor coming round tomorrow morning, so I'm going to ask her if she can arrange for a counsellor for me before my head explodes.

Sorry to ramble again.

Tinks42 Sun 12-Jan-14 19:05:51

I even read books on "anger management" for myself due to him winding me up to the point of wanting to burst. Now he's gone - also ran off with a woman that treats him far better, I'm back to my placid self grin

3mum Sun 12-Jan-14 16:59:55

Have been lurking on this thread. OP you mentioned that you have given this man 10 years of the prime years of your life. He won't change (and Cogito is right, he is an EA bully).

I gave my EA ex (who eventually buggered off with someone else) thirty years. Thirty years of running around after him, putting up with his complaints about the state of the house and the way I looked even though I did absolutely everything to do with the house and children whilst working too, running everything in mine and the children's lives around him and his moods, never ever even getting a thank you or a compliment.

Like you I tried everything to fix "our relationship. Books, new shared interests, holidays, changing myself and the way I behaved, you name it I tried it. I wouldn't give in and I kept plugging on. I almost lost myself completely along the way.

Splitting wasn't my choice, but it was the best thing which could have happened to me. Just being able to lead my life with my children in the way I want to is such a release. It's like getting out of jail. But boy do I get furious when I think of how I wasted all my youth with him. Don't be me. Get out before it's thirty years for you too.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 16:28:15

As does yours. smile Good luck

t3rr3gl35 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:27:51

I can honestly say that I never for a single second ever missed having him there.
Embrace the scary - you only get one shot at life and you should squeeze maximum joy out of it. 10 years on and I still feel the satisfaction of running a bath and knowing that I will be able to get in it and come out when I want to, not for whatever manufactured crisis he could think up to destroy a few moments peace. Or the sheer joy of putting/not putting on the TV and the freedom to watch something I choose. Cooking a meal and not having every item looked at with disdain and "constructive" comments on how they ought to have cooked or presented. Even better is the daily knowledge that I am, in fact, a decent, capable person who deserves to be treated well. smile You deserve to feel decent, capable and worthy of being loved too.

ilovelamp82 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:18:10

Wow! He sounds charming.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 16:15:57

Sadly, I didn't get out I was chucked out. smile After years of being the sympathetic listening ear for all his 'issues' and putting up with his crap he replaced me with someone new. All that the running around, clearing up his emotional messes and concern and self-sacrifice had earned me in the end was his contempt. And the new woman? .... 'she treats me better than you ever did.' Ungrateful wretch.

ilovelamp82 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:07:13

I know I will miss having someone there. As sick as that sounds. And I wouldn't have my perfect little kids if it weren't for him. But he has taken a decade from me. Probably the prime years of my life. It's scary to think ofbbeing on my own but not as scary as still living this life in another 10 years wondering what happened to my life.

ilovelamp82 Sun 12-Jan-14 16:03:17

Glad you got out. Thanks for your help. I think without the advice on here this could potentially have dragged out a lot longer.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 16:01:32

You definitely won't miss the stress, the second-guessing or hearing his key in the lock and wondering if Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde will walk through the door today. Leaves a big hole in your life nevertheless and, for me, the hardest thing to come to terms with was it had all been such a waste of my time

ilovelamp82 Sun 12-Jan-14 15:57:25

Sorry about spelling mistakes. Not sure what my phone is doing.

ilovelamp82 Sun 12-Jan-14 15:56:55

Thanks. I am angry and sad but I'm also just slightly relieved and detached now. I'm just done. I'm looking forward to him going to work tomorrofiguring out what to do next. I agree that I've been think ing that I have to give him chances to fix it for tge sake of my kids. Not really thinking about how much better a Mum I will be when I don't have to be stressing about whatever thibf he's got me stressing about that day.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 12-Jan-14 15:56:29

Something similar. I was a lot younger but made the big mistake of hitching my wagon to someone who had 'issues' and wasting a full 12 years keeping the peace & thinking that his dreadful behaviour was not something he could control. For me the fog only lifted after he left me for someone else. I have dents in the backs of my legs from kicking myself... smile

t3rr3gl35 Sun 12-Jan-14 15:49:26

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship where the actions were largely passive aggressive for 25 years. I too, believed that I needed to give him the opportunity to fix it. Again. And again. And again. Finally, I LTB. You owe it to your family to let them see you happy, not emotionally being ground into mince in front of them daily.

My final straw was realising that I was walking on eggshells around my children too - they had grown up believing that nothing i did was good enough. 10 years after leaving him, I'm still working on redefining my relationship with them and it's bloody difficult. For the sake of your future relationship with your family, get angry.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now