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Passive aggressive?

(58 Posts)
lovemenot Thu 09-Jan-14 18:14:03

Marriage is over.

Last time I tried to have this conversation with him, I was told I was a selfish bitch for ruining dd's life just to get what I want. (I get called a fucking bitch every argument, it's never his fault, only mine etc etc).

I tried again today:

Me to him...

Me: We need to talk soon, let me know when it suits you.
Him: Talk at me, you mean.
Me: WE need to talk, to sort out how to deal with all this.
Him: Well you have your plan so go ahead. (slightly threatening tone)
Me: Fine. I'll email you. Whether you engage or not is up to you.

End of conversation. Grrrrrrrr!

dunfightin Tue 21-Jan-14 22:54:25

It is scary, but all is doable.
When you get used to not being sworn at it is wonderful You will look back and wonder why on earth you let anyone behave like that to you.
Just take baby steps. You have the solicitor, you have a couple of days. Make the spare room your haven and your safe space.
He sounds like a right one, so don't expect him to negotiate fairly. It sounds as if he is pushing you to behave irrationally so that he can get to play the sane one/victim in all of this.
Get someone in RL that you can let all the anger and frustration out with, and work on not letting him push your buttons or your DD's.

ScottishPies Tue 21-Jan-14 23:31:42

Okay - so you have to stay in the house. So the key consideration at the moment is how do you stay in the house and stay sane.

Dunns advice is sensible - make the spare bedroom your safehaven.

You also have to protect yourself emotionally from his rages. One way could be to stop all communication with him other then the necessary. If he tries to talk or abuses you don't rise to it. Walk out of the room. Think to yourself what a twat he is, know that you are better than that. Yes words can hurt and it is hard not to retaliate, but it is what he wants, he wants a reaction, he wants to know he has hurt you. It is not a sign of weakness to walk away from a EA when he is shouting at you, t is a sign of inner strength. You are better then he is.

He is nothing, a bullying coward. Repeat this mantra in your head whenever he starts to have a go. Don't engage.

Start the divorce procedures tmrw. Then email and say your only prepared to talk to him on certain topics, eg. About the dc. Think of yourself as a single paerson living in a shared house. You no longer need to cook his meals or do his washing or clean up after him. If he is messy and leaves his things everywhere does it really matter? It will only be for a limited time, you will get your own place evetually. Don't tell him what you want to happen, let the solicitor do this, when he gets that letter he'll realise your serious. You no longer have to tell him anything about yourlife or what you want to happen in the future. He is no longet part of your emotional life, he had no rights to your thoughts or decision making process.

lovemenot Tue 21-Jan-14 23:49:16

Thank you. Will get solicitor to issue a letter to him tomorrow. It's time to do this.

I've been taking care of a sick aunt (fucking cancer) for the last few months and it's helped me detach from him and his crap. Things at home are reasonably easy right now but it is at a stalemate and he will not make the first move. My aunt is stable right now, so time to sort out my own and dd's future.

Fingers crossed that I can do this. No......I Can do this!

ScottishPies Tue 21-Jan-14 23:56:57

Yes you can do this.

Something has to change. Only you can make this change happen. If you do not do something the situation will only get worse. You know this.

You can do it.

We agreed we wanted to part. My Ex wanted us to magically sell the house overnight, and then for us to live apart for 2 years and divorce by consent. He offered no realistic plan.

There was no way I would live apart without a financial settlement in place, no way I wanted to remain married, and still it took a while for the penny to drop that I did not need his agreement to divorce him. So I did (and managed to keep the house) I should add that I holed up in the main bedroom, and did no housework except some basic hygiene things (his lack of housework sharing was just one of several major issues between us). Despite him being the one who wanted to sell the house and split the proceeds, he did nothing to get it fit to sell, in fact continued to do very little housework. When he finally left, I had quite a cleaning job on my hands...

lovemenot Wed 22-Jan-14 00:48:10

Hmmmmm......just got an email from him telling me that while he "in no way approves of my behaviour" he is willing to swop bedrooms, that the boxroom "will do him for the moment" so long as he can use the ensuite!!

What to do? Will he use this offer against me or does it really matter? He can shag off if he thinks he is using the ensuite if I do move back into my lovely bedroom.

Should I be smelling a rat?

DistanceCall Wed 22-Jan-14 01:48:08

If he wants to enter your bedroom whenever he likes to use your bathroom, say no thanks. You need your privacy to stay sane.

BlueJumper Wed 22-Jan-14 01:57:29

Why would he need to use the ensuite? confused

ScottishPies Wed 22-Jan-14 07:54:46

No no no to the use of the ensuite. He would have access to your space and then it would no longer be yours.

Don't debate or explain this with/ to him. Remember he no longer has the right to question your choices and you no longer have to justify your decisions to him. Could you give him sole use of the main bathroom when he is in the so you and the dc use the ensuite?

ScottishPies Wed 22-Jan-14 08:02:07

Do you have just one dc?

Is there a seperate loo which she could use - so just uses the ensuire to shower?

During any seperation there is going to be a lot of upheavel and it may seem like you are having to make a lot of compromises while he makes none/ few. Try to think of the compromises as short term pain for long term gain. Sharing a bathroom with your daughter is much much much better then giving your shitty H access to your private space. He has agreed you can have the bedroom give him the main bathroom.

rollonthesummer Wed 22-Jan-14 08:10:21

God-no way agree to this; he can barge into your en suite and wake you up when you're in bed/getting dressed/just dozed off etc -total control.

How many bathrooms are there?

oldgrandmama Wed 22-Jan-14 08:49:08

No, DON'T agree to going back into the main bedroom and letting him use the en-suite. You've got to show you're standing firm about all this - and agreeing to move bedroom is sort of 'giving in' to one of his demands, even though the main bedroom is nicer. Stick to your guns (and the boxroom!) He's got to get it into his nasty head that you have changed, you're not going to be pushed around by him. I'm glad you've now involved a solicitor - makes you feel less alone and solicitors have seen/heard it all before.

I could write a book about strategies used by 'D'Hs when they realise their long-suffering wives have had enough and are going for divorce. Stay strong!

lovemenot Wed 22-Jan-14 08:59:08

There is a main bathroom as well as the ensuite. Am not going to share the ensuite. Dd is happy to share the main bathroom with him.

Think I might stay where I am. (Even though I miss my tv in the main bedroom).

It just feels like he is trying to control again, to make himself feel better. His phrases "while I don't in any way approve of your behaviour" and "you living in the box room is ridiculous" makes me feel judged and stupid again.

ScottishPies Wed 22-Jan-14 09:12:25

Ignore his judgemental comments. He has no right to make them. Do not acknowledge them in anyway. He is manipulating you into thinking he cares and wants the best for you when all he wants is the best for Himself.

He had no right to make any judgements on your actions.

He is the one who is stupid and thick if he thinks he can call the shots.

BlueJumper Wed 22-Jan-14 09:20:14

When my ex says things that really wind me up, I just think... 'and that's why I'm glad it's over'. I find that really helps me feel calm about things that aren't worth getting stressed about. It also helps me care less about what he thinks.

sunev Wed 22-Jan-14 09:37:49

Don't give in re. the bedroom/bathroom. He will wall in how noble and hard doneby he is whildt painting you (either in his head or to other people) as selfish and grabby. (My opinion, happy to be told I'm wrong!)

sunev Wed 22-Jan-14 09:38:49

wall = wallow

SwimmingClose Wed 22-Jan-14 15:30:25

Get legal advice, lots of it, at least a second opinion.

Calling you a "fucking bitch" in arguments is extremely nasty, unacceptable.

You are probably still "enmeshed" (you are living together in the same house) but I think you need to be careful, and find as many legal (and safe) ways out of this living arrangement as possible.

Legal advice. Legal advice. Legal advice. Take the bull by the horn. Protect yourself. Protect your child. Maybe ring Womens Aid too, you will probably need emotional support too.

rollonthesummer Wed 22-Jan-14 15:44:52

You living in the box room is no more ridiculous than him living in it though?!

lovemenot Wed 22-Jan-14 18:25:23

What's ridiculous is the fact that he refuses to engage in discussing the future. Even if he doesn't want this marriage to end, he is doing nothing to save it. Offering me the main bedroom is useless if he is doing it to show me he cares (although I suspect he's only doing it to make himself feel better). He needs to talk.

Actually, the boxroom is quite cosy :-)

lovemenot Sat 25-Jan-14 20:49:22

Not much of an update! He came back from Germany on Thursday and has not uttered one word to me since he got home.

I stayed in the spare room, tg for Netflix!

Solicitor away all week, so am hoping for a reply to my email on Monday.

Still reminded of my own FW Ex. His idea of 'discussing the future' was to leave a piece of paper with the house value and savings value on, then totalled and divided by 2.

The house value was wildly overoptimistic (we had to have a Matrimonial Home valuation eventually). Our discussions would not have progressed had I not involved solicitor and filed for divorce.

Handywoman Sat 25-Jan-14 21:00:54

He takes passive aggressive to a new level! Hang on in there. Hope your solicitor is useful.

lovemenot Sat 25-Jan-14 21:02:42

LOL...I just get emails telling me it's all my fault, my issue or my game. And telling me there is no equity in the house, that if it is sold it will just cover all the (his business) debts.

Allergictoironing Sat 25-Jan-14 21:33:41

Heh if he is at all savvy (and with a business degree he should be) then his business should be a limited company. Which means that the house won't be a business asset so he can't use YOUR share of any proceeds to pay off any businesses debts.

Don't engage with him on this subject, but do discuss with your solicitor when he/she gets back next week. And stick in the back of your mind that either a) he's lying to try to manipulate you, and as you're onto his game you can laugh at him behind his back or b) he is bloody stupid not to secure his personal assets from the company, so again you can laugh at him behind his back.

Oh and if there's no equity in the house, how can it pay off these business debts?

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