Please Help- I think I have hit rock bottom

[Blossomflowers]

Sorry I have so start a new thread, sure some kind soul will link for me, please?

But very briefly I asked my P of 20 years to leave a couple of weeks before Xmas, it has been a tough Xmas as NY as to be expected, I know if I was advising a friend I will tell her she was did the right thing.

But this weekend I think my mental state has taken an all time low, DS 13 is being very aggressive and difficult, normal teenage stuff all be it a bit extreme, I am struggling with him. I feel totally a drift.

I have just driven back from dropping DS off @ school and have sobbed uncontrollably and made myself sick from crying. I actually think nobody would really give a shit if I was not here. I am stuggling to see any point in anything. I have massive debts, not helping because it is hard to concentrate on work, I hate my beautiful house right now, just reminds me of us. I have a constant pain in my right temple. Eating really badly which is really not good for my diabetes.

I thought I was doing so well and this weekend it all seems to have come crashing down. I just want it all to end.

Sorry for the long rant but I need to sensible advise on how to get past all these horrible thoughts I am having.

[YOUCANBEMYFRIENDIFYOUBUYMECAKE]

hi, I am sorry to hear you are feeling so low.
can you go to your GP to see if they can help you? maybe get an emergency appointment today? it's still early and there may be appointments left.
it may be you need anti depressants or some CBT
especially if it's affecting your concentration.
are you getting help also from your ds school. are they aware of how he is with you. it could be something going on at school they need to know about.

[Blossomflowers]

Thanks cake If I thought I could take a pill to make this all disappear I would. CBT may help but would take ages to get an appointment. It taking every bit of my strength to get out of bed and work. I almost just kept on driving this morning as did not want to be back here.

[Hissy]

Breathe!

This was always going to be the hardest day, first day back at school, first day in ages you are by yourself.

You've been holding it together for Christmas etc, and now don't have to.

Take this as an 'understandably bad day' forgive yourself for crying, you need to cry, it's important!

Be kind to yourself love. Get through today and see how you feel. If, in a few days, you're still feeling the same, then get some help from your GP just to get you on an even keel.

[Blossomflowers]

I also feel ashamed om how I reacted to DS this morning. He has form for making up illness for not going to school. He said he had a headache and was refusing to go. I totally lost it I am afraid. Eventually after giving headache pill and ranting, I got him in the car.

[Hissy]

Love, we all make mistakes, tension was high, and yeah, you could've handled it better, but we've ALL been there and would have done the same thing in these circumstances.

Does he have a phone? Can you call him in his break? Ask how he is and if you feel like it, say sorry for not handling it as you know you should have done.

Otherwise wait till he gets home and tell him.

[Blossomflowers]

We did have a big hug and we told each he told me he loved me and me him. So all calm and good. I just over reacted but he had been really pushing my buttons all weekend. Although X DP was crap I now feel I have no back up and totally alone. It is scarey.
This weekend I had palpitations and bad headache and before I would have been scared but all shamefully thought is I actually did not care if I dropped down dead, the pain would end then. Oh how self indulgent

[Hissy]

I'm glad you 'kissed and made up' :)

This period is going to be unsettling for you all, expect blips, flashpoints and wobbles.

When they come tell yourself all this is normal, and it will pass.

Try to find ways to distract yourselves if you get into sticky situations.

Try to find a way to communicate that either of you are struggling.

My ds (a lot smaller than yours) used to push buttons, so that i'd blow up, and then he'd cry and then he'd get a hug once we'd got through it.

I realised that he might have been doing this on purpose so that he'd get the hug he needed.

So I told him that there's no shame in saying that he needed a hug and that he could have one whenever he wanted, for whatever reason, but we'd do it without the pushing buttons business, as getting angry hurts us both.

Encourage him to talk about how he's feeling. He's likely to be as confused, hurt and bewildered as you. Perhaps he too fears for the future somehow too.

[Hissy]

Kids are mercenary buggers, he might be sensing that your focus isn't on him so much, so he's playing up to redress that.

Explain your needs, but that you still adore your ds no matter if you have to focus on your own feelings for a little while. Tell your DS that his support and understanding are most valued and really do help you feel better.

[Xenadog]

I don't want to be glib but if you have hit rock bottom then you know you can only go upwards now don't you? It sounds like you have been incredibly strong holding everything together and this morning the dam broke. This isn't a sign of weakness but a sign that you need support.

I echo the advice for you to go to the doctors and seek out maybe ADs or a referral for some talking therapy - it may take a while to see someone but at least you will have something positive to focus upon.

Do you have supportive family and friends who can listen, give help with your DS (sometimes a friendly word from someone outside of the situation may help them to see things from a different point of view) and maybe help you sort out your finances? If you do have debt that is worrying you I suggest you get some professional advice for how to manage it for the next six months. If you could cut repayments for a while to give you a break it would definitely take some pressure off and allow you to focus on your DS and the process of the breakup.

[Blossomflowers]

Thanks hissy I know you are right.
I am pretty sure many things DS does is to get a reaction but I really struggle to understand wh and hurt that he is being so cruel sometimes. It not just DS but money worries, XDP has promises to pay me back some money he owes but I cannot rely on it as don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth.

[Blossomflowers]

Xena Not glib at all, I know that is right. People have this strange idea that because I ended it that I somehow would not be that hurt. But I am, at the end of the day I have spent 20 years with someone. These past few weeks I have been very good at not thinking about him as it was my way to cope. I am angry with his for letting me down so badly, this has happened over the past few years

[agendabender]

I'm sorry that I can't hang around, but I saw your post and I just wanted to say that when I was going through a really difficult set of circumstances I took anti-depressants for six months, and they just enabled me to be able to deal with the shit stuff, so I could get back to living my life. I'd totally recommend them. I held out against taking them for a long time, but once I did I was able to sort out the difficult stuff and then I didn't need them. Best of luck, and well done for making the break.

[Blossomflowers]

Thanks agenda I will think about AD's but if I am honest I am scared of taking them. So anyone else with thoughts on AD's would be interested to hear.
hissy DS knows how much I love him, I do so much for him. Sadly he knows I split with his dad mainly because of him, maybe now he is feeling guilty. I am not doing well in keeping calm with him last few days

[mistlethrush]

I'm sure that the 'lunch' with P will not have helped either Blossom... P being the disney Dad and splashing money around (which of course he never brought to the partnership to help out but has now for some reason).

Of course your're upset - what you've been basing your life on for the past 20 years has been pulled out from under your feet and the person who was meant to be working with you has really proved himself to not be the person you thought (or hoped) he was.

I'm sure its all stressful for DS too (although I've not heard you saying that he's done any SH since P left ??) which will mean that flare ups are more likely. Are school aware of the situation? Can you get his older brother to give him someone else to talk to that is aware of the situation but a little bit more distant from it?

[Blossomflowers]

Hi Mistle It might be the "lunch" Also this is probably going to sound silly but I have always wanted to move to France at some point, XDP have talked about this so much. Last night DS out of the blue announced that XDP sis packing up and going to live there. I know it is all bullshit as she have never set foot in France and am pretty sure it was passed onto DS to upset me. Not sure why.
Oh and no SH since he left ( to my knowledge)

[Hissy]

I ended my 10 year relationship with the father of my ds due to abuse (of me) my son knows that this was the main reason, but that to live in that kind of environment hurts him too.

Sometimes we have to make tough decisions that feel (to a child) like bad ones, so that everyone can thrive.

He'll see soon how your decision was for the best, for you and for him.

Xena's right, have now as your 'bottom', then know it will get better!

Could you and DS have a 'special tea' or treat tonight or something?

[Blossomflowers]

My XDP was horrible to DS, telling him he hates him, wishing he had never been born, giving him the silent treatement. Sadly this caused DS to self harm and now in counselling. But DS still wants to see his dad and now of course he dad is behaving like perfect dad, I know he is a asshole though.

[mistlethrush]

Have you asked for some child support for DS from P ? If he's able to get himself a flash vehicle and lots of new clothing, he should be able to help support his DS a bit, given he hasn't been for the last 13 years.

[Blossomflowers]

I have Mistle, I have said exactly that. Of course he is blaming me for having to buy a new car and new clothes. But will pay me soon, I have suggested that unless we sort out soon I will involve CSA and Solicitors but he was warned me not to threaten him. I am left with bills ( remember the Eon bill we supposedly paying by DD but I found a £500 bill a couple of weeks before he left)

[mistlethrush]

Yes, I remember that effectively kicked it all off didn't it. And you said that he wouldn't be able to get credit - so he must have been squirreling away money whilst treating your house like a free hotel.

(You might realise I'm trying to get a bit of that anger back as I think it will help you).

So, changing the subject, what work have you got in - at least now you know that whatever money you make you can control, and you won't be feeding a leech.

[Blossomflowers]

I am actually busy, so just need to convert some of it to money. Sadly my job does involve being up beat and proactive, proving to be a trickey task. My head is spinning and I feel sick.

Don't worry I have not lost anger, sometimes I want to explode.
I suspect he has been working very hard as nothing else to do hence the money. Wish he would give me some but hard to find a way to get it.

[mistlethrush]

Can you brass neck it and turn up at his workshops in front of his mates and ask for the money for the bills that he failed to pay whilst with you? Having external people there who he wants to paint a good picture to might help?

[mistlethrush]

Oh - and make sure that you're eating regularly, even if its a small amount. You could perhaps make some fresh soup or a stew that you could heat up small amounts and have with a slice of toast or baked potato?

[DonkeysDontRideBicycles]

this

I saw somewhere this day of this month is supposed to be one of the most miserable in the year because it's mid-winter, a Monday, the start of term and everyone's in a post-festive dip, whether or not they have a shitty ex etc.

You get it all out, Blossomflowers, allow yourself to weep and rage the moment DS is out of earshot, punch a pillow or smash some ugly plates. Then call your GP. Come on MN. Unload.

I believe that ADs would give you space to think and could help you to balance your thoughts. Admittedly there could be some side-effects, and ADs may need to be changed or the dose altered as your GP will want to find the right one for you.

DS is too young to understand all the manipulative shit his father puts you through and he will be like many a teen, quite astoundingly self-absorbed sometimes, but he is old enough to hear that you are having a tough time. He is not to blame but you can do without any additional nonsense, as far as living together goes now is the time to work as a team.

[Blossomflowers]

I just couldn't Mistle. I actually don't want to see his face, might be tempted to punch it.
I will send him another Text and specify a date, is that fair? Say this Friday. He should be careful really as I could get him into big trouble, all those items he bought with cash that I found out about but not being declared.