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ex wife trauma

(15 Posts)
sukipoo2 Sun 05-Jan-14 23:48:42

Hi im really struggling with my OH's ex. I don't want to be involved in her life but we live in the same town and our kids go to the same school (tried to avoid that but couldn't - I should say that they are not my husbands' kids - she is now married to someone else with their own kids) and now she is becoming friends with some of my closest mates through school. I find that really uncomfortable - I just don't feel the need to be pally with her and I wish she'd be a bit more sensitive to the dynamic and keep to her own circle if that makes sense. I feel awkward and childish tho asking my friends to please not get involved and I havent done. Who am I to ask anyone that? Am i being unreasonable not wanting to mix with her - I just feel as if life is complicated enough already!

lunar1 Mon 06-Jan-14 00:04:54

I think you know you are being unreasonable. You might find your friends drop you if you try to control them like this.

I think you have to overcome this if your children are at school together or you could cause real problems for your children and friends.

JollySantersSelectionBox Mon 06-Jan-14 00:06:34

Why does there have to be a dynamic?

What do your mates like about her?

anapitt Mon 06-Jan-14 00:24:42

you have no say in who she is friends with I'm afraid

sukipoo2 Mon 06-Jan-14 00:32:20

the fact that she and my husband shared a marriage together, and split in very awkward circumstances. She has always seemed keen to keep contact with him even after apparently treating him very poorly, and he doesn't want or feel the need for that contact now either. I suppose what I mean is that im a private person and it feels really awkward potentially being in a social circle with her. I don't trust her - not re. OH but just generally. She is charming and delightful on the surface and I suppose that's what my mates like about her. It feels like she is forcing the issue and Im finding it really stressful. I dont think im being unreasonable - as ive said I havent asked anything of my friends and dont think I could - but I am struggling with how to handle it. We really didnt want the kids to be at the same school and that was a large part of the reason but we didnt have any choice. Im posting on here because I want to overcome it in some way but I don't know how. The way she acted with my OH makes me think she's not trustworthy but it's not appropriate to talk to my mates about that stuff because its in the past and it's their history.

Joysmum Mon 06-Jan-14 00:32:54

My mum and my step mum are good mates. Mum and dad weren't right for each other but dad has great taste and both my mums are fab and appreciate how nice the other is. We all spend Christmas together and my step siblings sort of look to my mum as their step mum! Not a usual scenario but we are one big happy family.

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 06-Jan-14 00:33:07

Does she have any contact with your DH?

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 06-Jan-14 00:37:56

Sorry, xpost.

Her children and your children go to the same school, it's inevitable that you would end up knowing the same people. She has remarried. She has children. It sounds as though she has moved on and I think you and your DH need to move on too OP. I and many other women are not the same people that we were with our ExHs, so it is not beyond the realms of possibility that she has changed.

sukipoo2 Mon 06-Jan-14 00:38:38

she sends him messages occasionally wanting to meet up - he doesnt respond. He's polite if they meet in the playground etc

DioneTheDiabolist Mon 06-Jan-14 00:44:59

On what occasions and what does she say?

JollySantersSelectionBox Mon 06-Jan-14 00:46:29

Why were the circumstances of their split difficult? Does she hold anything against you for the breakup?

Is that why? Are you waiting for her to turn Wendy on you and your friends?

Otherwise it sounds as if she is acting in a pretty mature fashion. Some people like to try and keep a connection going i.e. How can you have someone good in your life for so long and then cut them out. Whereas others like a clean cut, never to speak again.

Surely your friends have a wide circle of contacts and don't do everything together though, op? She doesn't really have a window into your life if you don't have kids.

sukipoo2 Mon 06-Jan-14 01:15:45

she left him after a few months of marriage to have an affair etc etc. I wasnt on the scene til some years later. I dont think she holds anything against me, but cant understand why she'd want to stay in contact given the circumstances of their split. our kids are the same age. i know some folks can be friends after marriages break up and genuinely good for them. this is my 2nd time around too and we're both clean break types. My big concern is that our kids would be mates and we'd be thrown together again. I just don't need it. it feels like life has taken quite a lot away from me in the last couple of years and ive dealt with a lot of sh*t and I don't want these friendships to be another casualty. The couple of close friends im thinking of have started not mentioning things they've done with her because they feel awkward - about the fact she is DH's ex - not because I have said anything. I like to know where im at and all this cloak and dagger stuff depresses me. i feel like im on her territory with school too as her eldest was there first. Don't think i'm getting very far here am I lol?! thanks anyway ladies ( x

JollySantersSelectionBox Mon 06-Jan-14 01:43:04

Well it's a difficult situation really, and one you are entirely blameless for. But you need to be careful as you will come across as the sour grapes person, although I can respect your privacy.

The only way is a compromise - maintain your friends but don't be involved in every social scenario.

Meanwhile try and widen your circle, perhaps? Anyone from work, a hobby, etc you can develop a friendship with?

AnyFucker Mon 06-Jan-14 01:47:46

Am not sure what you expect the exW to do, tbh

You live in the same town as her. Is she not to send her kids to school, not to speak to anyone who might know you, not look in your direction ?

Do you live in a big city OP? Round these parts what you're describing is an every day occurance. It's best for all concerned (especially your dc) that you all rub along together in a civilised and grown up manner and come on here to vent smile

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