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DP is so selfish

(51 Posts)
sandgrown Sun 05-Jan-14 20:03:07

I have two friends I have known for years who I introduced to DP when we got together. They are DS' godparents and we go on hols,nights out etc. When DP was unemployed last year they came to ours to help him decorate (without their encouragement it would not have been done!). They have just bought a house that needs lots of work which they are on a tight timescale to finish and they are trying to do lots themselves to save money. I went to help yesterday while DP at work and arranged to go back today but when I asked DP if he was coming to help today he refused as I had not told him?? Surely he should think to offer? I did think he would turn up later and was very embarrassed that he did not offer some help though nothing was said. I did ring and ask him to prepare dinner and it was ready when I got home and he had put the Xmas decorations away.I made a small comment about dinner and remarked that I like to put the decorations away because I am quite prissy about them going in correct boxes etc and I was met with a torrent of abuse about how he can never do anything right and how I did not greet him when I came home (hands full of shopping)! I suspect his beloved football team were on television this afternoon and he only put the decorations away so he could pretend he had been busy! Sorry for long post but cannot understand why he is so selfish.

maddy68 Sun 05-Jan-14 20:13:29

Tbf you made the arrangements without consulting him. In his head he had planned what his Sunday would entail

maparole Sun 05-Jan-14 20:17:21

Sorry, but if I had cooked a meal and packed away decorations and then my OH criticised, I'd be a bit narked as well.

As for the helping out of friends, perhpas he felt railroaded? My ex used to commit me to things without consulting me first and it used to really get my goat, not necessarily because I didn't want to do whatever it was, but because I was given no choice.

sandgrown Sun 05-Jan-14 20:48:14

Most of his Sundays involve sitting on the sofa watching sport. For a good few months last year he was unemployed and I was working every hour I could for us to survive financially. He only made dinner if I told him what we were having and provided the ingredients!I just feel that these particular friends have gone out of their way to help us in the past and he should reciprocate. In my eyes any normal person would want to help close friends. If I had not called and asked him to prepare dinner he would not have done so. I never told the friends he would be coming so he was not committed.

fifi669 Sun 05-Jan-14 20:51:26

How long is your DP? Are they really only your close friends?

sandgrown Sun 05-Jan-14 21:54:29

Hi Fifi DP has been friends with them for about 12 years and really enjoys their company.

fifi669 Sun 05-Jan-14 22:23:42

Bit of an arse not to think of offering if you've all known each other so long. I don't think men think in the same helpful way we do though.

How is making the dinner and putting away the decorations being selfish?

DoYouLikeMyBaubles Sun 05-Jan-14 22:28:06

He can't win can he?

YOU decided you'd rope him into doing errands without even asking him confused he has every right to refuse. Why didn't you just ask him first?

And you're being ridiculous about the cooking and putting decorations away.

Sorry but if you want someone to do something such as help friends on a set date you need to communicate this. Even if it's only to say 'Let's both go and help our friends.' How is he supposed to know that you expect him to do something without you saying so?

Are you this passive-aggressive and whiny about other things?

SanityClause Sun 05-Jan-14 22:30:55

Wow, fifi, you have a low opinion of men!

I, for one, know quite a few men who would pitch in and helpin a situation like this, particularly if it was returning a favour.

JeanSeberg Sun 05-Jan-14 22:34:28

Is this a reverse? If not, I can't imagine what he sees in you. How dare he watch the match on a sunday afternoon... hmm

What was your comment about the meal he'd cooked?

sandgrown Sun 05-Jan-14 23:20:09

Think I explained this badly.All I would have liked is for him to offer his help to friends who have helped us when things were difficult .When things were tight financially and we could not afford to go out they invited us to their house for meals and for a holiday at their place abroad. I would not try to force him to go but should I have to spell things out to a man over 40?I told him yesterday I w a s going to help and this morning I asked if he was coming and he looked up from his laptop and said no! I did not make negative comment about the meal Jeans just asked about the veg?. You are right Solid I am whining but after three years of supporting our family through his periods of unemployment (one which might have been avoidable)and working full time,overtime and a part time job I am tired!

Anomaly Sun 05-Jan-14 23:59:31

I can understand you feeling cross. He should want to return the favour they did him. But maybe he didn't actually see their help with the DIY as help but more making him have to work. I might be wrong. You dont sound happy in the relationship. Is this a one off or do you generally feel let down by him?

olathelawyer05 Mon 06-Jan-14 00:37:13

You're criticising him for not being in 'your' head and failing to think exactly how you think.... and anyway, why should YOU dictate how HE shows his gratitude to them? And of course, I'm sure that comment you made about the food & decorations probably did seem "small".... to you that is.

fifi669 Mon 06-Jan-14 00:57:47

Ha ha, no I don't have a low opinion of men.... Well there is a few....

I just understand that we think differently and sometimes something so obvious to a woman needs to be pointed out to a man.

I do think OP went about it the wrong way and if she'd said friends are struggling and could do with help he'd be more inclined to offer than being told that's what he's doing.

Mellowandfruitful Mon 06-Jan-14 01:03:59

Don't understand why people are being so hostile to the OP here. He does not sound like he makes a huge effort to me, OP, given your follow up posts, and he doesn't sound very generous towards friends who have been generous to him.

Are you feeling more generally fed up with the relationship? It sounds like this latest thing has been a trigger point.

maparole Mon 06-Jan-14 06:41:06

OK, with your subsequent posting he does sound like a bit of a lazy arse, but I also still think you are approaching it wrong-headedly.

If this is a constant source of resentment for you, then you need to address it properly, by discussing the issue, not by fuming in silence and then venting on here.

This sort of thing can kill a marrige if left to fester.

JeanSeberg Mon 06-Jan-14 06:47:53

How long have you been together?

Saharap2 Mon 06-Jan-14 06:52:31

Yabu. It's not compulsory to volunteer to help especially as you sprung it on him at last minute. Also you do sound a bit hard to please complaining about what he's done.

You do seem to feel absolute contempt for this man. You expect him to be fawningly grateful to your friends, you don't seem to trust him to do anything right. Maybe he is a bit lazy, but no one is going to respond well to being treated like a naughty kid to the extent of being told how to feel about other people. Maybe he finds your friends patronizing - are they the kind who never stop reminding him how helpful they are?

Fairylea Mon 06-Jan-14 10:45:39

It sounds like you like to micro manage him a fair bit to be honest. When these friends first helped decorate it sounds like you suggested they help rather than let your dp get on with it - as you felt he wouldn't get it done. So maybe he didn't even want their help in the first place? Maybe that's why he doesn't want to help now. Who knows.

You can't really tell him what to do. If he wants to spend his time sitting on the sofa watching sport then that's up to him.

He made dinner and put the decs away and yet because it wasn't done the way you wanted it done you had a pop at him. He can't win can he?

To be honest I'm very anti social and thankfully so is my dh but I have been in relationships where the other person has friends and I wouldn't want to do anything with them either!

sandgrown Mon 06-Jan-14 20:46:46

Just to be clear I never volunteered him to help I just said I was going to help and I assumed he would be pleased to give them a hand. They are so easy going and have never once mentioned the help they gave us, as friends would in my book. I have tried to speak to DP but sick of getting my head bitten off. It is like walking on eggshells and his outbursts upset DS. I probably made him sound like perfect partner for cooking and taking down decorations but believe me this is not the norm. I think he felt a bit guilty. I just needed to let off steam and here seemed a good place.

scallopsrgreat Mon 06-Jan-14 20:55:29

Have I walked into the twilight zone or something?

"If he wants to spend his time sitting on the sofa watching sport then that's up to him." Wow! Really? He gets to check out of all childcare and household responsibilities every Sunday because he wants to?

No wonder you are getting pissed off OP. I'd be "whining" too.

Fairylea Mon 06-Jan-14 21:10:57

Scallop - obviously both parties need to have the same downtime, maybe I didn't make that clear. But if that's his choice of thing to do to relax I was just saying I don't see the problem. Not everyone likes to be sociable.

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