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Any advice other than ltb?

(60 Posts)
Canihavesomemore Sun 05-Jan-14 18:31:50

DH of 5 years and I had another argument today. This has Been an ongoing issue for the last 3 years. Dh always wants me to dress up sexy for him, this involves suspenders and stockings and all of that jazz. He never requested this when we were dating but year 2 into our marriage he bought me my first set. I didn't think anything of it and wanted to make him happy and our sex life fun and healthy.... Well soon enough he started complaining that I was a slob, never made an effort (didn't dress up enough for him) and generally didn't put an effort in life. He says he is frustrated because I'm so good looking and it wouldn't take me much...here is the funny part, at work they call me the most glamorous and ask me how I can ever be bothered to put in so much effort hmm dh is a good father to Ds (2.5yrs old) and treats me well otherwise. If I'm not dressed up he will fuck me.. As if he is just satisfying emotionless needs, otherwise I feel I repel him. I'm a size 8-10, 5 ft 9 and generally considered attractive and get a lot of unwanted attention from other men. Im complimented generally by everyone other that DH I live in London but have no family in the UK so ltb would mean going abroad and taking Ds away from his beloved daddysad I quit my job last week to stay home and grow his business, we were happy and positive we were going to make it, he wanted to take me to a fancy restaurant to celebrate a new year and new life. I told him I had nothing to wear so he took me to Karen millen to buy me a dress. He picked one I didn't like so I said I would try it on but it wasn't my style. Once I tried it on I felt ridiculous and told him and that's when he exploded and said all he wants is a hot wife instead I'm a slob who only wants to sit home in fluffy socks!! We had just walked out if Reiss and bought a lovely dress too!!!! When I asked him why the ridiculous over reaction he said it was pent up because I hadn't dressed up for him in weeks, when I said this wasn't a normal relationship dynamic he said he didn't want to be normal. I told him to go find someone else then. Now I'm drunk in the sitting room with DS watching in the night Garden and he is sleeping in the bedroom hmmhmmhmm

FloWhite Sun 05-Jan-14 18:36:08

Why would you want to stay with a man who treats you like that?

And don't say because I love him.

Sounds like quite a catch hmm

Seriously though, why would you want to be with someone like this?

Canihavesomemore Sun 05-Jan-14 18:42:28

Argh I'm so Hurt I'm not sure if love is the reason. He is a great father and my only friend after having ds and no family around I literally have been so busy with full time work and Ds that I have NO friends so nowhere to turn. I also quit my job because I was getting so depressed, dh works shift which means I raise my son similar to a single mum, alone with him every weekend and most week day evenings. I really don't think I'm strong enough to leave and having come from an awful broken home myself I really want to try to offer Ds better

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 05-Jan-14 18:45:36

All he wants is a hot wife....

And is that all to which you aspire? hmm This is pretty classic emotional bullying. Picking a supposed 'fault' out of the air - your appearance - which he knows a) is rubbish and b) hurts your feelings and then using it to keep you eager to please. I'm very glad you've told him where to get off because all you can do with a bully is either reject them out of hand or stand up to them and refuse to be cowed.

He sounds deeply unpleasant.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 05-Jan-14 18:46:29

He's not a friend. He's a dog-trainer and - in the literal sense of the word - you're his prize bitch.

FloWhite Sun 05-Jan-14 18:48:41

I have some advice then:

Imagine your DS as an adult man whose primary male role model has been his DF. What ideas do you think he'll have picked up from his DF about women and the right way to treat them?

Get yourself some new friends. Compare how they treat you with how your DH treats you and then ask yourself if you can still, in all honesty, call him a friend.

Stop drinking to cope with your situation and see if your mood improves. Also see if your ability to put this fucker in his place stand up for yourself gets better. Also see how he reacts to your assertiveness.

Ask yourself if actually being a single mum can really be any worse than the situation you describe where you are spending evenings and weekends alone with your DS anyway.

Canihavesomemore Sun 05-Jan-14 18:51:15

confusedGod! I was really hoping someone to say something else. I'm a silly prize bitch with nowhere to go... I can't believe the situation i have put myself and Ds in

tribpot Sun 05-Jan-14 18:51:19

What is it you want from your sex life, OP? It seems not to have occurred to you that it is meant to be mutually satisfying.

FloWhite Sun 05-Jan-14 18:54:21

Like what? How to become subservient and like it?

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 05-Jan-14 18:54:25

I didn't say 'silly' because you're clearly an intelligent, strong woman. But he doesn't seem to see you as a real person, just something to be dressed up for his gratification. A 'show dog'. You haven't put yourself in this situation. I'm sure this isn't what you signed up for when you met and married him. He is responsible for his behaviour.

Canihavesomemore Sun 05-Jan-14 18:54:40

Sex is good when we have it. Always. We had sex last night and although it was emotionlesson his side it was really good so that is not the issue, Ds never sees this side of him,nobody does,not even me before the last few years

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 05-Jan-14 18:56:48

How is emotionless sex 'good'? You may not know the answer to this question but does your DH use a lot of porn? Go to lapdancing clubs?

Canihavesomemore Sun 05-Jan-14 18:57:12

@cogito I know what u meant and u r are right,the truth just hurts even when u know it

Canihavesomemore Sun 05-Jan-14 18:57:41

Yes to porn

FloWhite Sun 05-Jan-14 18:58:24

OP, you make sex with him sound like you are an orifice for him to use. I'm sorry, but that's how it reads to me. If his having sex without emotional investment is ok with you I'm struggling to see your objection to dressing up for him tbh.

FloWhite Sun 05-Jan-14 19:00:26

Ah, ok. Well - see my post 18:48:41.

SavoyCabbage Sun 05-Jan-14 19:01:24

It doesn't matter if the sex is good if he's treating you like shit! That's like saying hes a bastard but he's good at reverse parking or flat pack furniture building. It's not more important than the way he treats you or talks to you.

CogitoErgoSometimes Sun 05-Jan-14 19:03:16

That fits unfortunately. I think he's basically trying to turn you into his personal porn star. Hence why he can only achieve mechanical sex if you're not dressed up like a hooker. That's not love.

Canihavesomemore Sun 05-Jan-14 19:06:12

Youve hit the nail on the head and I know it. He's honestly great outside this bit I'm not going to make any more excuses for him at the risk of sounding stupider. I can see the point, I just really don't know how to leave and I don't trust I'm emotionally stable to parent well broke and alone

morethanpotatoprints Sun 05-Jan-14 19:07:31

Hello OP.

Ok, I'm going to go a bit against the grain here and say I don't think its so bad.

Firstly, I don't think your dh appreciates what it is like to be almost solely responsible for raising children. This isn't bad and can be overcome.
He has bought you nice things because he loves you and finds you attractive.
He likes you wearing stockings and stuff, many men like this including mine.
He is disappointed when you don't wear them, or appear to not have made any effort. tell him all the effort you have gone to.

You do need to redress the balance and get yourself on an even keel, this does not mean you have to ltb, marriage does take work, effort, and has challenges.
You need to talk to him, you are an intelligent person in your own right.

SavoyCabbage Sun 05-Jan-14 19:08:06

Can you arrange to go back to your family for a holiday?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay Sun 05-Jan-14 19:08:12

He is/has objectified you in the worst way possible. I doubt he would understand if you tried to explain that to him either tbh. Do you ever actually make love rather than have sex his way? I would be seeing red flags waving every time I opened my eyes around this excuse for a husband.

FloWhite Sun 05-Jan-14 19:09:50

I think you're confusing the ability to go out and splash out on designer clothes with valuing a person for who they are as a human being.

Children don't need that. They grow up happy when their parents are happy, rich or poor. you know that.

Emotionless sex is not good! How can it possibly be?

What are you getting from this type of sexual relationship?

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