Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

DP tried to have sex with me as I slept... (may be TMI)

(139 Posts)
ChryslerBuilding Sun 05-Jan-14 14:56:39

Name changed for this ... sad

Last night DP and I went out for a few drinks, post-Christmas.

We got home, got into bed, and thought about having sex. I declined, saying I was too tired, and DP was absolutely fine with it. We had both drunk a bit, but he was drunker than I was.

I started waking up to the feeling of fingers inside me, and then he penetrated me, from behind. I was lying in my usual 'sleep' position so he had to have moved to get bodily contact iyswim ... I hadn't made any overtures of any sort. At that point I woke up, and immediately turned over and started shouting at him and, I'm afraid, hitting out at him.

He hadn't used a condom which I also have a huge problem with as it is our method of contraception so our understanding is that we use condoms.

DP seemed disorientated, and sat up and tried to put on a condom (!!!) which I made him remove, and told him to get out.

We had a guest staying in the house, so I didn't make a big fuss, and this morning tried to act normally ... but now I've got back from taking my friend to the station, and shouted at DP, thrown some cutlery and burst out crying. I feel completely violated ... I hate him ... he seems remorseful and his defense is that he was drunk/half-asleep, and he thought I was involved somehow. He is also hungover, whereas I am fine.

I don't know what to do. I know that this is rape. I was not just unconsenting, I had actually declined sex before we went to bed. Also, he didn't use a condom ... that says to me he was drunk/half-asleep but if I heard this story from a friend, I would tell her to phone the effing police... what do I do ... is this forgivable, and is the relationship salvageable?

Sorry, long... trying not to dripfeed.

Lizzabadger Sun 05-Jan-14 15:04:03

Yes this is rape. Maybe try phoning Rape Crisis or Women's Aid?
I don't think it's forgivable. I don't think the relationship is salvageable. I expect there will have been other instances of entitled/controlling/sociopathic behaviour if you look back.
Sorry you went through this.

Lweji Portugal Sun 05-Jan-14 15:04:16

Yes, it was rape.

The question is whether he was aware of his actions or not.

Watch his reactions.
He should be devastated at having done something like that to you, and seeking ways of ensuring it would never happen again.
Anything less and I'd worry. His telling you that you were responsive is not good, because it puts responsibility on you and indicates he was aware of what was going on. At best that he's shifting blame, which is still not good.

Notaddictedtosugar Sun 05-Jan-14 15:04:40

I am sorry this has happened to you. For now I think you should ask him to leave, and give you some space to think about where you go from here. How have things been between you prior to this?

ChryslerBuilding Sun 05-Jan-14 15:08:58

Notaddicted - things were fine, we had had a lovely time together ... Christmas a bit stressful but nothing worrying.

We generally have a good relationship, and a good sex life though possibly not as much as we'd (both) like, given we are busy/tired/etc etc.

Reactions ... he's being very quiet. I scream at him that he should be on his knees begging for forgiveness ... I think he is mortified. He can't really look me in the eye.

I might phone Woman's Aid. Never thought this sort of thing would happen ... but who does.

Joysmum Sun 05-Jan-14 15:13:00

There was a thread on here about sleep sex last week.

Personally, I think the issue here is that you'd already declined and he went ahead. That is rape. I was raped by an ex boyfriend who would take no for an answer. I was upset, I did cry and only then did he stop.

I put it to the back if my mind, made up excuses for him, that he lived and fancied me so much he lost control, maybe I wasn't clear enough etc etc

I've carried that with me and only told my husband 25 years later when I admitted it to myself and realised the excuses still didn't excuse the fact that I'd said no and he'd violated me.

Even now, I minimise what happened, compare it with violent rape, don't ever use the word rape except when typing my experience on mumsnet. I've only told my husband in real life, only expressed it otherwise on mumsnet.

It is rape in that not only did you not give consent, you actually clearly said no. I don't know what your answer is. I ignored it, continued in the relationship and didn't see him as being at fault. He later cheated on me and broke up with me and 25 years of fucked up relationships with others since then with very experimental sexual practices and infidelity. He's not a good person, my experience was the start of that.

So, all I can do is share my story, wish you the strength to get through it, but I can't offer any help. I know this isn't mumsnety but ((((hugs)))) xx

tinpotted Sun 05-Jan-14 15:14:08

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Notaddictedtosugar Sun 05-Jan-14 15:14:32

Phoning Woman's Aid sounds like a good idea. He should be mortified!

Lweji Portugal Sun 05-Jan-14 15:16:10

Do call WA and rape crisis for advice.

Meanwhile, try to be calm around him and see what he does.
(although your rage is perfectly justifiable and understandable)

I think through rape crisis you can get evidence logged without going to the police, but talk to them. You may have his DNA inside, even if he didn't ejaculate.
Then you could take your time to decide how to proceed. .

ChryslerBuilding Sun 05-Jan-14 15:17:00

tinpotted - I'm afraid we will disagree on this.

My questions is not 'is this rape' - it is. I have never been a rape apologist and don't want my first time minimizing and denying to be in my own situation! But it's different when it's a man you love, who in your experience doesn't have a bad bone....

Hawkmoth Sun 05-Jan-14 15:17:04

Bollocks tinpotted. Just bollocks.

OP sorry this has happened to you. Please don't be ashamed at hitting out, it was a legitimate course of action to make him stop.

tinpotted Sun 05-Jan-14 15:20:21

Fair enough, you know how you are feeling and I am very outnumbered. I am not a rape apologist.

CajaDeLaMemoria Sun 05-Jan-14 15:20:33

I think I'd be most gutted that after you'd acted shocked and hurt, and pushed him away, he put a condom on. He was thinking about carrying on, not about what he'd just done.

I'd agree with talking to Rape Crisis and Women's Aid. I think I'd also ask him to leave for a while, so you can collect your thoughts. You'll feel on edge while he is around.

Samwidge Sun 05-Jan-14 15:22:39

tinpotted really? amazing.

OP I'm sorry this happened, it was rape and as others have said, Rape Crisis will give you support/advice. I would definitely be asking him to leave - I imagine that some space would be good.

Do you have anyone in RL that you can talk to?

TurnipCake Sun 05-Jan-14 15:25:26

I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP.

Having been in your situation, it's absolutely unforgivable and nothing could salvage it, however much remorse they showed.

I think you need some distance from him at the moment for your personal safety and to gather your thoughts and support.

Lweji Portugal Sun 05-Jan-14 15:29:44

I think I'd be most gutted that after you'd acted shocked and hurt, and pushed him away, he put a condom on. He was thinking about carrying on, not about what he'd just done.

This.
Another bad sign. Sorry, but it doesn't look great.

What if you excuse this time? He'll feel it's ok another time...
Will you be able to trust him to share a bed with you again?

Geckos48 Sun 05-Jan-14 15:31:10

Is there a different room in the house he can stay in for a while?

Only I wouldn't want him in bed with me right now and with that space you might be able to talk with him about regaining trust again?

Lizzabadger Sun 05-Jan-14 15:32:12

Tinpotted you are wrong. The law would consider this rape.

ChryslerBuilding Sun 05-Jan-14 15:32:23

Thanks Lweji - I am trying to stay calm. He's cowed, has offered to go to his brothers ... I may well send him there, as his presence is just pissing me off. He keeps saying how sorry he is ... and seems to be expecting me to get rid of him. Again, I may well, I don't know.

He seems a bit in shock, actually.

I'm going to send him to the shops and call rape crisis for advice and to get this logged... it's odd, things are almost as normal, but so very different.

Lizzabadger Sun 05-Jan-14 15:34:43

Sorry but I think this will just escalate if you remain in a relationship with him.

I am glad you are calling Rape Crisis. I hope they are helpful.

ChryslerBuilding Sun 05-Jan-14 15:35:41

Rape Crisis' freephone number opens at 7pm apparently, so I'll wait until then ... browsing their website now.

Thank you all for your responses so far ... it has been extremely helpful ... I felt, for some reason, that I was overreacting and that if I just let it go we could go back to being happy and normal. Your comments and reactions have reminded me of how I actually feel about sexual abuse, and that not extending that to myself is doing myself a disservice.

DownstairsMixUp Sun 05-Jan-14 15:36:18

I would be fuming/upset/angry all the things you are feeling and yes I think it would spell the end of the relationship for me. It's definitely rape. Sorry you had to go through this OP, let us know how your call goes with rape crisis.

uptheanty Sun 05-Jan-14 15:37:50

Do you think he attempted to continue to put the condom on because he was so disorientated and really didn't know what he was doing?

Is it possible he's done this to you before and hasn't been caught?

ChryslerBuilding Sun 05-Jan-14 15:41:49

uptheanty - no, I don't think he's done this before. We've woken and had consensual sex before, but this is very different and feels very different.

The condom thing is interesting - he did seem pretty disorientated, and I think it was a reflex reaction to my anger at the lack of condom. I don't think it was calculated, in other words.

However, I don't think that drunkedness/sleepiness/disorientation is a reasonable excuse for him to have got it so. bloody. wrong.

TheHeadlessLadyofCannock Sun 05-Jan-14 15:43:18

I don't know about this one, TBH. I know it was rape. That's very clear.

I'm also disturbed that, when challenged and told to stop he started putting on a condom.

But I think his reaction the day after suggests that he IS mortified. He may not be 'on his knees' begging your forgiveness but you say yourself that he seems to be in shock, which suggests to me that he does care and is appalled at himself.

I think what happens next really hinges on his continuing reaction and your relationship's history.

thanks

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now