Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Maybe meeting ex soon. Advice?(51 Posts)
Hello, first time poster here so I hope I'm in the right place (apologies if not).
I shan't go into details and its very long and complicated, but the essence of my situation is I was with a man, I believe I was a rebound and we rushed things, it ended up being a very short relationship, he was in the wrong head space and so was I for different reasons, then after he ended things I have basically been slightly badgering him.
Not entirely all down to me; we would sleep together, he would beat himself up over it, it was a huge mess basically.
He recently said he wanted no contact at all, but we did speak on the phone not long afterwards and he said he has mixed feelings about me, doesn't feel we have a future but could be wrong. He then said he cannot work out why he still likes me after all the rubbish I have put him through (cannot go into details as some of it is ongoing re work) but if I leave him alone until something at work has completed (he may be fired, that's all i am willing to say), he will come and see me with "as much of an open mind as I can manage" even though he really doesn't want to.
Now. Aside from the fact there are huge red flags n the history, his choice of words and everything else, if he does get in touch (and there is a chance he won't, I know that, but he does have some jewellery of mine he says he will return to me when he comes over), I would like to give us a chance to just get on.
I'm not sure what I want and expect from him at this moment in time, but since the break up I had a habit of rehashing the past quite a lot which led to tension.
So IF he gets in touch and IF I decide to meet him, how should I handle the situation?
I feel like I have two options; 1 - apologise for my part in the crap that occurred post breakup, tell him I would like us to have a chance to get on as friends and maybe more in future, BUT if he can't handle that then I respect his decision (then disappear) or 2 - treat the meet up as almost like a first date with a new man; just keep it light, friendly, fun, not mention the old, dead relationship or anything new, and see how it goes.
What would you do?
Sorry for the triviality of this, there is an age gap between us but I'm old enough to feel quite embarrassed by this post and my situation!
I would detach as much as possible and treat it looks a brand new relationship. I would not sleep with him for as long as possible because it could maybe he is only after a friends with benefits and saying anything you want to hear!!
Do not apologised if u can say you are not a bunny boiler!
I would do you option 3 and not meet up with him at all and try to gather up some little bits of dignity.
Really? Well that is still an option at this stage.
There is no guarantee he will get in touch, and I am not going to contact him at all.
I'm 50/50 about it all at the moment, if he does get in touch it won't be for a good few weeks yet, so by then I might be completely over it anyway.
I'm just trying to prepare now, so that if he does get in touch and I do still want to meet him, I wont mess it up.
Cookie - no I won't sleep with him, if I do meet it would be purely talking.
What part of him do you find attractive? The bit where he says he can't see himself having a future with you? The bit where he regrets having sex with you? The bit where he explains he doesn't know why he still talks to you after what you put him through at work, or the bit where he says he will try his very best to be in your company "with an open mind"?
And that's before you mention any of the "red flags" from when you were actually in a relationship.
He's made it clear he isn't that interested in you, it sounds like he's either keeping his options option to sleep with you or is just too feeble to say 'sorry, not interested'.
It is very complicated, and there is a lot I can't go into.
I do agree its not exactly positive, but believe that his reactions (and mine) post breakup were due to our seperate issues and stresses.
The way he worded the open mind comment, was he can't work out why he still likes me after everything so there must be something about me for him to feel that way, if I give him the space he is asking for now, it will give him time to get over the work stuff, see if he misses me and prove to him that I do care and can be trusted not to pester him when he needs space, and he will come round with an open mind so I can act however I want towards him and we can see how we get on (I know, that last bit clearly means he hopes will sleep with him)
Which also sounds very patronising so maybe he is an arse.
Believe me though, he has reason for thinking this way and I would like a chance to just talk without all the other stuff surrounding it (sex, kissing, rehashing of past wrongs...)
It sounds like a mess that's best avoided. Why is he about to get fired? He's not going to be a good bet as a boyfriend for that alone wrt stresses of job hunting etc.
As for "he can't work out why he still likes you". Please. You deserve better. I think you're already falling into the trap of believing that if you work really hard at being loveable he will live you and suddenly treat you really well.
You sound like a bit of a weird stalker, tbh.
If I were you I would just move on and not look back.
I realize its tempting to prolong things if you still have feelings for him but TBH it sounds very one sided on your part.
Carrying on trying to breathe some life into it will only hurt you further in the long run.
I would also do option three. I really can't see it all healing up and becoming a regular relationship without any of the drama. There's just too much water under the bridge, even without the extra work complication.
You could be right.
I think its just that it went so wrong, so quickly.
Just wanted to give him a second chance in a way.
Then if we had a proper fun talk rather than all the drama filled nonsense of old and he was STILL an emotional mess them would know it WAS him am not circumstance
Leverette, can't really explain why he might be fired, but it was due to seeing me. Not something I did though. All I can say really...
He's saying he can't work out why he still likes you in order to keep you wondering and off balance so you'll work harder to keep him happy and have sex with him if he fancies it.
Seems to be working
Do you think so kalidanger?
Well actually, the exact wording was "I don't know why I still think deep down, you're a nice person after everything you have put me through, by I do".
He says he's not a sex outside of a relationship person and never has been but gets so tempted when he is here with me. Yes, sounded a line to me too, but he keeps saying it as a reason for regretting it afterwards.
Maybe he is a player, I didn't want to believe that.
Seriously though, no second chances? Seems a bit harsh now his previous stress is over and mine is too,
A meeting with finally level heads sounded a good idea, is all.
I really hope you weren't a patient or user of a health service and he a nurse or other HCP?
Yes, I think so. You have to compare what he's saying with what he's doing. A decent, responsible person would give your jewellery back and concentrate on keeping his job. Wtf is all this old flannel?
No not that extreme, Leverette. Co worker, and apparently work policy is that its a breach of the code og the company to fate a colleague. I was relatively new to the place and didn't realise, he says he wasn't either.
He's being investigated since it came out...which is why he wanted the no contact until the investigation concludes.
Kali - I didn't even realise I had left the jewellery there, it was just in the course of the conversation, he said he would definitely come and see me once the investigation is over, I said I doubted that and he swore on his fathers grave (most sacred thing to him apparently) that he would "and I will bring your necklace with me, too".
I know I am being silly, I just hate the way it ended up and wanted a last chance to prove we can get on in a civil way, I suppose. As all we had since the break up is confusion and rehashing the past every time we met.
I'm sure I will feel the same way as you in a few weeks
Fwiw though, the meet was - on my part at least - just this chance to have a chat and get on, nothing else intended. I was planning on leaving it afterwards and seeing if he got in touch. Whilst getting on with my own life
why can't he just postthe necklace to you?
leave well alone, gather up your dignity and look for someone who is available, do you believe he was unaware of the no dating co-workers policy? It's pretty clear at most work places and if he'd been working there for a while he should have been aware it's not at all unusual.
I just assumed I wasn't aware, so he may not have been.
Time to be my head out of the sand I suppose... thanks all
Eponine, I think its just that it went so wrong, so quickly
This is not a good sign. The start of a relationship is not meant to go wrong, or be difficult or confusing. You're not supposed to try to find reasons to try.
This relationship doesn't sound good for either of you. I disagree with Kalindanger, I don't think he's saying this to mess you about, I think he may be saying it 'cos it's the only way to get rid of you.
Logg1e - again, can't go into details but I think our desperate stresses were a lot to blame, plus him just being out of another relationship quite recently, he was in a bad place emotionally, and we have both said we probably should have met now, rather than then as we are both more sorted out emotionally.
I agree with you though that it shouldn't be that way at the start of a relationship.
By your logic though, if I'm now leaving him alone, he has got the desired effect - so doesn't that mean he doesn't need to get in touch in a few weeks, or ever?
If he does...then what would this mean?
Sorry what I mean is, if he said it to get rid then my not contacting him until he gets in touch is giving him what he wanted, yes?
So in theory he won't contact me.
If he does, he's either doing it solely to keep his promise, or because he wants to come and see me and see how we get on?
You sound very stalkery and are over analysing everything.
He has said he doesn't want a relationship with you and that you are the cause of his problems.
Tell him to post your necklace to you and forget him. He coudl be adding the I might see how it goes bit becasue he's scared you're unhinged and will make things worse for him at work if you knwo he wants to end it comepltely.
Google "Baggage Reclaim" site
Could be helpful
Join the discussion
Please login first.