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Could I have a perspective on a possible new guy please

(30 Posts)
MikeTheShite Sun 05-Jan-14 12:49:46

Hi everyone.
Trying to not drip feed here. I am a single mum to 15mo dd, after a distarerous relationship ending whilst finding out I was pregnant. it has taken so long to feel free of my narcissistic ex but I truely now feel free.
I started seeing a guy last spring and when it got to labelling us he ran. we did however stay in contact.
I started meeting him again the end of nov as friends and now im seeing him as more than that about once a week. He jas a very demanding job and im too scared to ask him whats going on with us in case he runs.
Now I know it might sound as though hes using me but:

when hes out with the boys he gets drunk and texts me about missing me and how we are so good together.
He has told me many times about how his ex hurt him 3 years ago and hes never been in a relationship since as she's made him a comitphobe (it was a bad situation, drunk when spilling this)

He texts everyday without fail
He tells me hes proud of me alot, esp about getting uni interviews.

When we are together he doesnt act like we are fwb. Hes cuddly, holds hands, cooks dinner, strokes my hair. I even mentioned I had hurt my neck and he massaged it with no other intentions. Hes even held my hair back when ive been sick.

He mentions having a girlfriend will mean he cant go on holiday ad much, as I cant skii but only as a joke.

When we get closer, not that it can be much closer or he can sense that the convo is coming I can feel him start to run. I think hes scared, I know hes been truely hurt and had 4 years tarred wih deceit, lies, fraud, pregnant and sti, I am mid twenties and he is early 30s.

I just wondered what mn perspective might be on it.

PiperChapman Sun 05-Jan-14 12:51:54

He's not 'scared', he is doesn't want a relationship with you.

Gather up your self esteem and find someone more suitable

kinkyfuckery Sun 05-Jan-14 12:53:15

Don't put any hope in him! He's either not interested or not ready for a relationship with you.

MikeTheShite Sun 05-Jan-14 12:54:50

Thank you

niceupthedance Sun 05-Jan-14 12:54:51

Yep, sorry. If he wanted to take things further he would be doing that. Talk is cheap, especially after a few drinks. If you ask to be official he will disappear again. I'd spare yourself the pain and wind down contact with him.

PiperChapman Sun 05-Jan-14 12:57:04

And you're young! Plenty of time to find the perfect man for you. And when you meet him, no conversation will be off bounds because he will be right for you. There'll be no angst like this.

I think you deserve that

Onesleeptillwembley Sun 05-Jan-14 12:58:22

He's either a pubescent loser or doesn't want you. Walk away with your head up.

MikeTheShite Sun 05-Jan-14 12:58:33

Thank you, I am very lonely is the problem but it's very hard to meet anyonel I do really like this guy but I think youve all confirmed what I already knew deep down

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 05-Jan-14 12:59:06

Well done on posting op it shows that you are listening to your instincts and that's a good sign after a really abusive relationship.

I wonder if this is all too soon lovey if you could accept it as a date now and again a shag when wanted ok, but I don't think your nothin the same page. I wonder if you might need some time out to work on what you want outside of relationships, if your internal alarm is ringing then listen it will serve you well, the early days in a new relationship aren't supposed to be this hard.

pictish Sun 05-Jan-14 12:59:33

He keeps you sweet and therefore at his disposal I think.
Sorry. sad

MikeTheShite Sun 05-Jan-14 13:02:23

no need to be sorry pictish I knew it deep down

CalamityKate Sun 05-Jan-14 13:03:14

Piper is right.

I know it's tempting to imagine he's scared. Women do it a lot - "He feels so much for me but he's scared of getting hurt"... and then lo and behold the bloke ends up meeting someone else who presumably feels nothing for, therefore he feels safer with and ends up marrying them.

MissFenella Sun 05-Jan-14 13:13:15

sorry but what they all said. Hope you find someone super soon, or not, which ever suits you and makes you happy x

pictish Sun 05-Jan-14 13:15:11

I had a male friend who did exactly this. Not to me, but to a single mum he knew. He was nice enough to her, sent her flowery texts and what have you, but had no intention of engaging in a relationship with her. She was his sure thing while he kept his deek out for an actual girlfriend.
It was a shame because she really liked him. And well he knew it.

He's no longer my friend...this sort of behaviour among others being why.

MikeTheShite Sun 05-Jan-14 13:20:06

I guess its just been that time of year again. The festive season watching the couples hearing of the spontaneous engagements. Seeing and hearing about friends and their partners.
I just thought after a hellish two years maybe it was my time, maybe I was being impatient with this guy or maybe my gut was telling me something. I thank you all for the honesty and kind words.
Friends and family have been using words like slow and steady, slow burner.
I might just ask him outright?

pictish Sun 05-Jan-14 13:24:38

I think you should.
Of course, you must be prepared to hear a no, which will hurt you, but the fact is...the more time you spend together the deeper your feelings will run, and the worse your hurt will be, should he make himself scarce again.

You may as well know now.

MikeTheShite Sun 05-Jan-14 13:26:43

my thoughts exactly pictidh

pictish Sun 05-Jan-14 13:30:52

I think it will do you the power of good to take control of the situation.

Either way, you will be able to compartmentalise and move forward. Good luck xx

HissyNewYear Sun 05-Jan-14 13:47:46

When you got to the bit where you wanted to 'label' and he ran?

That was when you should have moved along. Keeping in contact was just screaming 'I have no self worth' right there and then!

He's wasting your time now, time to cut the ties and move on to the next guy.

Don't get me wrong, this chap has had his uses, he's shown you that you can have a non-violent/abusive relationship with a guy.

But now he's standing in the way of you meeting someone who will want to have a proper gf/bf relationship and more.

You're starting uni soon? Good for you! You'll meet proper blokes there, no doubt about it.

mammadiggingdeep Sun 05-Jan-14 14:02:45

One of the best pieces of advice I had was "if someone wants to be with you- they will". You can start to say "yeah but...such and such stops him/her" or "one day when this/that/the other happens..." But fact is its true...if someone wants to be with another person, they will be.

Sorry to use a corny phrase but "he's just not that into you".

You deserve all of what he offers, and more, permanently. Don't settle.

I think you should try and find someone who is willing to settle or you may get hurt.

alphabook Sun 05-Jan-14 16:47:32

100% agree with Mamma about the "he's just not that into you" principle: if he wanted to be with you, he would. It's as simple as that. Any other excuses he might make about being afraid of commitment is just wasting your time.

MikeTheShite Sun 05-Jan-14 17:08:43

well I got my answer. Long story short last message:

Best wishes for the future I hope you find that someone special that you deserve
sad

FloWhite Sun 05-Jan-14 17:17:32

Have a cup of brew Mike. You did right by you. Now don't look back because there will be someone better for you.

pictish Sun 05-Jan-14 17:31:14

Aw I'm sorry.
I know you must feel gutted right now.

But at least you'll not waste another minute waiting to hear from him and hoping.

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